support thread for women who have chosen to terminate III

[Cantdothisagain]

This thread is for any woman who has chosen to terminate a pregnancy for whatever reason. It follows on from

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_tests_choices/770313-support-thread-for-women-who-have-chosen-to-term inate-II

everyone is welcome, old friends and new.

Hi to everyone from the old thread and hope you find me!

Oh Peanut Head
You take all the space you need here honey. You have a right to it and you are talking to us and that is all you can do.
Such a wanted baby - and so much endured and so tragic an end for you all.
You are doing the right thing, you will get through it and the anger and bitterness and hard edges will soften with time.
I was so very bitter this last time with the miscarriage. My words to the doctor all hard and cynical. It is to be expected.
Cantdo and Lins, and others, have given birth to tiny babies. There are little things you can do and say and think to make it less agonising spiritually. If you feel the need ask them, I know they will help you.
Hang on tight to the thread.
Rant and rave away when you need to.
The lost dreams are so hard to accept but somehow they melt into your life's story and become a part of you. It is shitty.
Do not give up your dream just yet - donor egg thing may well be out there in the future.
Sending you love and strength and warmth
Bee xxxx

Mrs V?
That you there my dear?
You okay?
I would be honoured to hear about your service today if you feel like talking and if not, that is okay too.
Bee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Today was a very sad day but thankfully its over now. Went out with the intention of getting v drunk and obliterate everything, alas it wasn't like that and here I am nearly 10pm sober as a judge (ish). Thankfully I do feel slightly more content with things, another step forward I suppose but still a long way to go. A sad day on the thread I think.....PH thinking of you x x
Love to everyone x x

Have a large glass of rioja and a bath and wear a snuggly dressing gown and breeeeathe long and slow.
Or swear alot.
Thinking of you
Bee xx

Thanks for the update MrsV. Tis a sad hard day indeed.

Hello Bee darling. x

Yes Bee I'm here double post, so slow on the old typing.
All okay here (ish), had major upset before the funeral waiting on the funeral director to arrive, got really upset thinking about her little coffin etc but when the time came it wasn't nearly as bad as I imagined. Today I've managed to calm down somewhat, went out for lunch then few pubs. All is calm here, maybe the wine and vodka (not in same glass though) has numbed me somewhat. If one more person said "cheer up doll" I might've totally lost it. I think my face is officially 'tripping me'.
Her service was very simple, lovely strong husband carried her through followed by short service by the funeral director (long story but thankfully he's a deacon) everything was okay. I only wanted us there and I think that was the right decision for us. Next step is her ashes, they have a baby garden, so we need to think what we want now. Soooo hard all this, I never know what to do do for the best. I've had no loss in my life since my gran died 20 yrs ago, wham bam here we are thank you very much.
Ah bed calls, tonight I will sleep. Hope you are well Bee x x

Ooh another double post, goodnight Bee, goodnight NPD - sleep well all x

Sleep well, MrsV. It does get easier, sleep and all the rest, as Busier says, the hard edges soften and become part of you.

Dear Peanuthead, it IS different with a small baby, or at least it was in my case (DD was around 16wks but was poss smaller due to restricted growth). It helps that your body has already done this before. I found I didn't actually need more than paracetamol and my TENS (which I actually did find useful - had it on the front as well as the back), though of course you can take anything you need in this situation.

There are some questions that, when I was going through this, Linspins suggested I ask. I've copied them below in case you also find them useful...

Find out where exactly you have to go (as in which room) and will there be someone there who knows the situation and is expecting you. It's awful to have to turn up and explain stuff...so make sure a designated person is at the ready.
Ask how many pessaries they give you in one go (Lins had 4, all in one go - I only had one vaginally, others would have been given orally after 4 hours but weren't needed).
Ask if you will be given antibiotics, and by what means. (My hospital didn't do this, but I had a canula/line in, in case of needing fluids etc because of not eating).
Ask if the same nurse will be looking after you throughout, and ask if you can meet her tomorrow, or at least what her name is.
Ask if they will take footprints etc for you. The hospital Lins went to did this, and took a few (not great) photos. These were then put in an album with name, date of birth, weight, time etc just like a 'real' baby book. Ask that all this info is at least recorded because it is just nice to know.
Be aware the hospital will need you to sign forms at some point, so you may want to ask you midwife a bit about this tomorrow (funeral, and postmortem if you wish one).
Ask if your partner can stay the whole time, and find out what food is available (for you or for him).
Ask how the last part of labour is managed...do they leave the placenta to deliver naturally as a matter of course, and how long will they give you before whisking you off to theatre? (for me this was 2 hours; luckily it arrived in the nick of time...).
Ask if you are allowed to stay the night if you want to... in the end, we preferred to go home once our DS (2yo) was asleep.
A Hospital chaplain can come and be with you beforehand, and also give a blessing afterwards if you want one for the baby - a lot of people on here (religious and not) have found this comforting, an acknowledgement of the real presence of your baby in your life, however brief.
If you do choose to see and spend time with your baby, be prepared that they will look very different - and at 16.5wks, very tiny indeed. My MIL lovingly made clothes for our DD and they were vast, and she was too fragile for us to do more than wrap her in a cardi that belonged to our DS when tiny.

It's very lovely of you to post that for Peanuthead Numpty. x

Hello Peanut

I'm sorry that we all have to welcome you here. I know from your thread that you have been through all sorts of agonies before final diagnosis and so you must be feeling the strangest mix of emotions right now.

We're a wise old bunch here, all knowing only too well how cruel pregnancy can be and so are able to support each other in incredible ways. My terminations have been surgical but I can see that the women who have had medically managed procedures are right here, offering support already. I always think that the dealing with the unknown makes these hard days even harder. So ask away, and rant and shout, should that be helpful too.

It's a good thing that they are able to offer you a bed relatively quickly. But do keep in touch over the next few days and beyond. "Me witter" is absolutely essential and there is usually someone here to listen and support.

Mrs V

Hope that you managed some sleep and some rest after the saddest of days - you were very much in all of our thoughts.
It sounds that although it was a tremendously difficult day for you both, that it was equally moving and has left you with a real sense of your little girl.

And for the immediate 'now'... be kind on yourself and don't expect too much of yourself. There's no rule book on this, so no rights or wrongs on how you 'should' be. Just do what it takes to get through. Including telling the idiots who expect you to cheer up exactly what you think of them, if it helps. In the midst of recovery/moving on, keeping up a brave face and smiling through for the sake of the expectations of others can be an extra stress you just don't need. And isn't very good for you, either. Speaking as one who's been there, grin plastered on.

Take care.

Hi everyone.

MrsV, well done for getting through yesterday. You have shown so much courage and dignity and strength for your lost angel.

Peanut, I have had 2 medically managed terminations, one at 13 weeks and one at 20 weeks, so neither at your stage, BUT although I have a DD, I had her by C-section so had never done labour before. The 13 week one I managed on paracetamol (and I am a major wimp); the 20 week one I needed gas and air and then diamorphine, but I still managed. It is way easier physically than it would be at term, and I am a wimp, and I managed so you will be fine.

So much sadness here now. We are a growing community, and that means more people have been through the sadness. Life isnt fair. It really isnt.

Hugs to everyone else, too.

I am just too tired to post properly.
Want to say well done all of you and... well just phew really.Bloody phew.
Hugs to all of you - all of you
Bee x

Peanuthead, I hope yesterday wasn't too traumatic for you, tomorrow won't be as bad as you think its going to be. Someone on the thread told me that and it was true.
I was 22 wks, first labour and I took every drug offered to me (another wimp). Started off on paracetamol and codeine, moved onto diamorphine then when contractions started gas and air. I perhaps overdone it on the diamorphine towards the end, on reflection I think I was trying to block out mentally/emotionally what was happening.
The first pessaries (x4 ouch) were inserted 11:30am and the cramps started within the hour. By 6pm I was on the diamorphine to try and get a sleep, I woke at 4am as the pain was getting bad and she was born at 6:15am. When my waters broke it all happened really quickly and I think that's quite common for little angels.
We'd decided that we wanted to spend time with her afterwards and I'm so glad we did. The nursing staff were absolutely brilliant, they dressed her, took little hand and footprints, took pics on our camera and gave us printed pics in a little album. All this makes her very real and I need that. Nothing can prepare you for how tiny your little angel will be, we took up a little blanket and some little toys which they placed by her in a little crib. Have a think about you want, the midwives will ask you.
I hope it happens quickly for you tomorrow, the waiting for me was the hardest part. Go to the hospital prepared, take up mags, snacks, drinks plus we took up our radio which was a godsend. At my hospital partners only got fed if there was enough food left over.
It was nearly 4pm when I got discharged, we had to wait until we could get her blessed plus the consultant had to speak to us and sign off the post mortum forms. I was able to have a shower to try and wake up and shake off the drugs which didn't work.
We got through this and so will you, I managed to have some special quality time with hubbie at the hospital, I also spent some time alone with my little angel and I said what I wanted to say. I'll treasure that time.
So big hugs for tomorrow, I hope the nursing staff treat you kindly, will be thinking of you.
Jackie x

Thanks so much for the advice reassurance etc

Yesterday was fine = hard to get emotional with a 2 year old bouncing off the sofas in the "quiet room".

We found out a few bits and pieces - will have a private room all through, will stay overnight and dh can stay too. They're lovely rooms, overlooking Big Ben. Have been joking to dh that it's our first romantic night away since having dd. Found otu ti's a boy - which also makes it easier as if it were a girl I'd just be thinking we were losing another DD. Not sure about seeing him afterwards - as DH says foetuses are a bit creepy and he won't be like a baby, it's very very early. And I just can't find a name or think of naming him - it's all i can do to call him him rather than it. The trouble is I know these are all ways to help get over it and I think I'm just totally closed down .

Bugger, dd suddenly very demanding so will have to finish post later....

Peanuthead - I'm unlikely to be back this weekend but wanted to check in and say that I hope tomorrow passes quickly for you. And whatever choices you make, I'm sure will be the right ones for you and DH. That's all that counts for now.

I echo justa's thoughts about demanding DD's. I had one of these and unknowingly, she saw me through the toughest of times. Worth their weight in gold at a time like this!

And continued best wishes to MrsV, too.

I am another one who has a 2yo, and he was great at taking the focus off all the sadness, though at times you also have to give in to it (generally in the evenings, I found - which was sometimes worse because of the tiredness/decisions/not being able to sleep).

If you are not sure about seeing your little boy, you could always ask the midwife for guidance - she could describe him a bit to you. My DD was not like a term baby, so it is a very different sight - though her hands were perfect, tiny and beautiful. As Justa says, the other thing you can ask is whether the staff can arrange photos, if you want them. In my hospital, postmortum staff did it, even though we didn't have a postmortum.

Better go myself now and see what my 2yo DS is up to...

xx

Hope tomorrow goes quickly for you PH.

How are you recovering mrsV?

How's everybody else?

All fine here, biding my time for Monday. Have decided that CVS won't happen, that's helping me get through the days.

Am getting impatient though, I NEED TO KNOW. Has been going on for too long now.

BK x

Bezzy - all fingers crossed here for you! (although I'm ham fisted enough without fingers being crossed too, could be an interesting weekend...)

Hi Peanuthead,

good luck tomorrow. I saw both my babies, one at 13 weeks and one at 20. The one at 13, I held her in a little basket. She would have been to small to hold properly. I think you make the choice you feel is right at the time - it's a tough call with a tiny baby like that.

Hi MrsV, hope you're doing okay.

Hi everyone else, been offline all day, just back on, but am baking and doing 100 other things at once, so no time to post, just hi everyone and good luck Bez!

to continue several hours later after a lovely day running about in the park!

Think my previous post sounded a bit odd re seeing the baby but it is so early. Numpty good idea to ask the MW about how it looks.

See - still can't say "he". I think because this pregnancy has been so hard to believe in all the way through - had literally just been told I had no chance of ever conceiveing so took a while to sink in then I was sure I'd miscarry as my eggs are so crap and it was only at about 9 weeks I started to think I might be pregnant and it moight actually stick. Then by 12 I'd moreorless realised it wasn;t going to happen so disengaged again. I wonder how was I ever stupid enough to think I'd be able to be pregnant. By this time tomorrow I suppose I won't be and may never be again.

Thanks for all the info - esp Mrs V when it was so recent. I didn't realise you got ll the way to 22 weeks - assumed it was 12ish. That's heartbreaking. Glad you found some comfort through the funeral. Will be taking lots to read although probably not be reading it. Think the hospital has tv/radios in teh rooms - certainly did when I had dd and I spent the whole time listening to radio 4. Am hoping won't need pethidine - I think I need to be as present as I can as I'm very good at avoiding emotion and then plunging into depression for weeks afterwards so am hoping to cry as much as possible and get it out.

Anyway, so tired tonight, not really much to say, all feels very surreal.....

but thanks again for the support and "tips"

PS AM queen of the typo and too tired tonight to go back and correect any...

Peanut head, I haven't been on the thread much recently due to complicated emotional matters (nothing to worry about girls just me and my thoughts) but I think I wrote to you before on another thread.

You may not log on to read this in time but..

Just wanted to say wishing you the smoothest of days tomorrow. I have had two terminations, at 22 and 17 weeks and saw my babies both times, but you do what is right for you. I will say though that you can't ever go back and hold them again...and even if it is the saddest and weirdest thing, you will never regret seeing him but you might regret not seeing him. Mine were special and treasured times and another step to saying goodbye and sorry.
Same with photos...if you have some, you don't ever have to look at them, but just knowing you could can be enough.

With regards to naming him, that can be done if and when you ever feel ready. A friend I met through ARC named her girl several years later, with much discussion with her Dh, and found it a huge emotional release to be able to refer to her by name, and talk about her as the real person that she was. But there is no hurry for this, it sounds like you have enough going on switching from 'it' to 'him'.

You have been dealt the cruelest of blows and I am so sad for you that your pregnancy dream has followed this path. It is not fair, it is NOT fair. And I so hope for you that there will be some joy further dow the line.

But for now, take it day by day, hour by hour, and treat yourself gently. Come here to rant and rave as much as you need. I know what you mean about pethidine (yurghhh) and needing to be in the moment. I had too many drugs first time round and it all passed in too much of a haze, which I regret. I do think it made it harder afterwards. Hope you get all the pain relief you need though.

Sending you lots of love, and hugs for tomorrow. xxxxxx

Lins xxxxx