support thread for women who have chosen to terminate III

[Cantdothisagain]

This thread is for any woman who has chosen to terminate a pregnancy for whatever reason. It follows on from

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_tests_choices/770313-support-thread-for-women-who-have-chosen-to-term inate-II

everyone is welcome, old friends and new.

Hi to everyone from the old thread and hope you find me!

Mrs Victor - I'm sure that today will be hard for you but equally, I'm sure that the many stories you've read from the women here will be helping you to prepare for what's ahead. My terminations have both been surgical rather than medical but what struck me first time round was my fear of the unknown. I didn't have Mumsnet then and I think that the ability to share, to work out in advance how to make this as bearable as possible and to think about what will work (or not work) for you is key to survival and recovery. There must still be an element of shock in all this, the news is still so recent and so raw, so I suppose my advice is to keep on talking - to family in RL and of course, to all of us here. I'll be thinking of you all throughout the next few days.

Katiecubs - Thank you for posting your moving story of Monday. It must have been difficult to put into words, but hopefully quite cathartic too. For me, a surgical option at an early stage was always preferable but the upshot of this is there can be a strange, almost eerie normality that can descend, sometimes too quickly. And particularly, when it happens at a relatively early stage and so few people know, there can be the sensation of 'did that really happen?'. Even when the trauma and distress that you're feeling is so, so very real and acute. In this sense, I think writing things down, talking things through is absolutely vital. What I do find remarkable is that here you are, barely two days on and you're already supporting others. What incredible strength of spirit and inspiring kindness. You write that despite it all, 'life is good' - and I for one join you in your belief and hope that it will get better soon. You so deserve it!

Hi Needcoffee - It's not a mememe post and even if it were, this is the place for it! It seems that you are sorting things out and that day by day, you are moving forwards. Despite the fact that you are still around the 7 week mark, do take it easy and try to get as much support as you can. Hugs for the next few days.

Welcome to Havingkittens, really glad you found us. I am a serial miscarrier who, like you has been in the dire situation of having to terminate twice for T21. I felt so alone and so isolated and a total failure and it really was such a boost to know that there were other women who could empathize so well with my situation, through having sadly been there themselves. Whatever the circumstances, due dates are tough and I hope that tomorrow passes peacefully for you. I always say this, but I find that the run up to the day can often be harder than the day itself and I also find that the day after can give a very powerful sense of time passing and closure. But perhaps that's just me. However you spend it, my very best to you and yours. Bee and I have had long deliberations about folic acid and I must admit to being a massive believer in its preventative power. It's quite my soapbox, so if you have any questions or want to run through some thoughts, I'm your woman. In respect of this and on a positive note, despite an unbearably stormy obstetric history and being well into my 40's, having supplemented for quite some time, I now find myself at 20 weeks and all seemingly normal. No guarantees of anything and every day is hard, hard, hard but I do put much of it down to higher dose FA. Anyway, good to 'meet you', circumstances aside!

Mishta - I got so emotional when I read your moving story. I didn't know it before, so sorry. But at the same time I am delighted about your scan. Good, good news - keep it coming!

Cantdo, Lins, Numpty and everyone else - my laptop battery is just about to give up, which is probably a good hint to me that I really should try to get some sleep. Will check in on everyone during the day, work permitting. Special hugs to everyone with a tough old day ahead. x

Thank you Shangrila - and I can't believe you are awake again in such wee hours of the morning while having to go to work today! Hope you get to bed early tonight.

And Havingkittens, I agree with Shangrila that the lead up to the special date is usually worse than the day itself, though everyone is different. I know I have felt this in the lead up to every birthday and anniversary of death of my first daughter 16 years ago (who died at 12 weeks old from 'SIDS' for those who don't know - she actually had sleep apnea but that is another story).
On the due date of my last little one I was actually working in recovery, as a student, and I mentioned to the nurse what had happened and that it was my due date thar day. She straight away said 'i remember you now, our hearts really went out to you, it affected us all, we really felt for you'. That was just what I needed to hear on that day - that others remembered it too, and it was more than just an annoying on-call job for them (it was a Saturday), they felt my pain. I hope your day is peaceful.
As for my day, I'm off to work an afternoon shift so I had better go. Again thinking of you all, and sending love.
And Shangrila, I hope you are sleeping soundly
xx

Katiecubs, so glad the experience wasn't as bad as you'd imagined and that you have a wonderful OH to help you through this. Reading your post took me back 11 years (except I was thoughtlessly wheeled into a lift full of people on the way down to my procedure in floods of tears - poor people didn't know where to look!). With regards other people, I also felt they wouldn't understand and would think I was overreacting. In the end I just told myself that this was how I felt and I shouldn't try to fight it. I think allowing myself to feel sad and grieve made it possible to start moving on. Hopefully you will be able to too now.

Thinking of you katiecubs and all you ladies. It does get easier eventually. Hugs to you all.

Thanks for your thoughts ladies. I'm just coming to the end of my cycle now and sort of hoping I'm not pregnant as I'd like to be able to give myself every chance with the extra folic acid. As we know it's really the moment of fertilization which is most crucial in the case of chromozome anomalies.

Feeling ok today - just have it on my mind. Especially as it's 09/09/09 which would have been a cool birthdate and so others comments on the remarkable date (on Facebook etc) strike a cord with me and I think "if only you knew the significance to me".

To all you ladies who are going through the horrible raw beginnings of your pain, I can only echo what others have said. It does get easier I promise. I can't imagine having to go through the labour or to say goodbye so much further into the pregnancy and I'm sure that is even more painful than I have experienced. My heart goes out to all of you.

Bee, I hope you are ok. I sent you an email last week, I hope it found you (I got a bit worried I may have accidentally sent it to a client by mistake!).

Meant to say to Shangrila, so pleased all is well with you. People like you give me hope that just because this has happened to me twice there is still a chance for all to work out one day. I also got a nice message from someone on ARC a little while back saying that although she'd had 2 TS21 pregnancies she'd had a healthy baby in between those two pregnancies.

To you and others who are on the nerve wracking journey of a new pregnancy - I wish you all the best and have my fingers crossed for you all.

Hello, a welcome from me to MrsVictor, Havingkittens and Katiecubs. Sorry for your losses and its sad to see the thread is filling up but you've found the right place.

I am 'semi-retired' from this thread having decided to have no more children (I have 3 already so a lot to be thankful for). My termination was in March for T21. I am much happier but still can dissolve into tears quite unexpectedly. I am off camping again on Friday, whisking eldest away early from school (being very naughty and saying he has an appointment!) so he can leave same time as dd. Heading up to the mountains as the forecast is excellent. I find it very therapeutic to do things like this, as when I get sad I think my kids wouldn't be doing this with a newborn baby around.

Good to hear the babies are growing lins, bezzy and shangrila. We need a birth to keep us happy. I forget who is due first?

Sorry I've not been able to say hello to everyone. Oh yes before I go did I see you are from W Scotland Numpty? (I am in NE Scotland).

Have a peaceful week and much love to all. xxx

Hello All and a special hello to the newcomers. So sorry to see that there are so many of you. I hope that you're all being kind and gentle on yourselves, and taking the priceless advice of keeping warm and quiet.

Sorry that I've been scarce, have been laying low. I've been reading the posts and keeping up to date with the goings on, but haven't been in the right place to contribute.

Got my date through for scan, 28 Sept, all of a sudden things have become very real and VERY VERY scary. Have decided that things are going to go wrong again. I suppose this is the only downside of this wonderful MN thread, as everyone we come across has had bad luck in one way or another. I do realise that I have odds in my favour and lightning supposedly only strikes once, but we all know different. Don't we?

Anyway, apparently on the 28th I'll be dated (roughly 11 weeks) and if feasible they'll do the nuchal and CVS there and then, so potentially in 4 to 5 weeks, I'll know the fate of this poor little baby.

Congrats to Shangrila, thrilled to hear your news.

Love to everyone

BK x

Good luck with your scan BK - your heart must be in your throat!

Bezzy, good luck for the 28th. Just a thought but could they do the nuchal and blood test combined then you wait until the 'odds' are in to decide whether to have a CVS? Our odds were 1:230 after nuchal and bloods but after more scans at Kings the odds were recalculated to one in thousands!
I know it is so easy to think the worst, I think it's a protection system against being hurt. There are lots of stories around (not so much on our thread!) that have happy endings, even after scares about nuchal folds etc. On some of the other threads mums have had worrying times and it has all turned out fine. I do know how you feel though...I still don't feel bonded with mine even when it is kicking away.
Fingers firmly crossed for you. xxxx

Sending hugs to MrsVictor - I'm not sure you'll log on today but was thinking of you. xxxx

Katiecubs, how are you doing? xxx

I think I'm still slightly woozy after the sedation, been asleep for 3 hours, didn't stir once it was great. Then I wake up and my reality comes flooding back.
Thanks to my pre preparation by this wonderful forum I felt very calm this morning, armed with a list of questions I felt in control. Still lots to think about, Lins some of your points about what happens afterwards we aren't ready to deal with yet, god I hope we are by Friday. My lovely oh is having the same difficulty.
Anyway back at the hospital the lovely midwife sat and spoke to us and went through everything, we only got emotional when she was talking about holding the baby etc - my head is so not in that space yet. She says that it can happen naturally on Friday so not to worry. I am worried thinking I'll go for the easy way out. We need to sit and talk this through further, although I think we've people coming to talk to us Friday about this so that might help.
The procedure itself was very calm and quiet, both me and little angel were sedated, then they stopped her little heart and it was all over. We didn't cry. They also took a blood sample to confirm diagnosis ('why do you need to do that aren't you sure?' runs through my mind).
Earlier the consultant had chased up the lab for the full culture result. There was no mistake.
We're back to the delivery suite on Friday morning, as you said we have own room, oh can stay and we're segregated from happy people. I can't think further than tomorrow right now, Friday is a bridge too far. Emotionally i'm very unprepared for the birth and what we want to do afterwards. I'm worried we dont get there and take a wrong decision. Tears were rolling down our faces when she said that they take pictures, hand and foot prints etc, I'm sure someone else mentioned that so I'm pleased we can get this too if we want. We haven't named her...something else postponed for Friday.
I hope everyone else is well, bit spaced out to remember what's happening to you all. Big massive hug though for sharing your stories last night, I was up very early reading through them but not in the right place to respond. J x

MrsV to you, look after yourself, will be thinking of you Friday.

Bezzy-Will have my fingers crossed for the 28th

Katiecubs-hope you're taking it easy.

I attended the hospital this morning and took the first tablet, I need to be there all day Fri until it has been completed, I have had some cramping so far, DD2 allowed me 4 hours sleep last night and has been a horror today, its been difficult having both the DCs and noone to help, but they're both in bed now, just hope that I get a full nights sleep.

Sorry not to reply to everyone, I'm still trying to familiarise myself with everyone.

Such a sad week for so many people. I'm thinking of you, Katie, MrsVictor and NeedCoffee; hugs to you all, peace and strength to cope with what you are each facing. And Bee - you've been very quiet, hope all is OK? xx

Mrs Victor, what a sad day. I'm glad for your sake that you were sedated - I wasn't for mine and that injection has got to be the single most horrific moment of my entire life. Take tomorrow as it comes...be gentle on yourself and let the tears come if you need.
Getting your head round what happens friday is so huge, I'm not surprised you can't think straight. I know I was so focused on getting through the labour, and was very drugged/distant afterwards when they suggested seeing my Amy. I saw her and talked to her a little but didn't have the strength emotionally to hold her. I really regret this, and it's something I can't go back and do again. We didn't have the faintest idea either to take photo's, so only got a blurry polaroid from the hospital that looks like nothing. Taking pictures might sound like such a weird idea, but again, if you don't do it, it might be something you wished you had. You don't need to look at them often, but knowing the photos are there, in a box, can be enough comfort in the years ahead. I got this 'right' second time around and took lots of my baby Daisy, some all wrapped up, some in my arms, some of her hands etc. Even if your hospital take lots of pics you still might want your own. I recommend using a digital camera, so you can check it is focussed, and maybe using the 'close-up' macro setting. Black and white ones are good - I've got a very sweet one of daisy's teeny hand resting on the tip of my little finger.
I don't know how much you know about what your little one will look like. At almost 22 weeks she will look perfect but tiny. The smallness can be a shock even though you know they'll be small. Also the baby's colour can be shocking until you get used to it, as they are often dark pink, or purple, and can be a bit bruised. Her skin is likely to be a little translucent, and sticky rather than dry and smooth - I thought Daisy looked like she was made of glass.
You might like to buy a tiny teddy/soft toy for her. I bought two, one for me to keep and one for her to take with her. I slept with them both the night before. Similarly a little wrap for her is a personal thing you could take (those tiny velvety baby comforters are a good size). Some Mums buy clothes for them but dressing a baby that small and fragile is tricky and makes it harder for you to look at all of her too.
I know all of this must be so painful to read, and difficult to digest.
Have you asked the hospital about how they manage the last stage of labour? Some places are keen to wait for the placenta to deliver, other hospitals give drips or theatre trips quite quickly. I am hoping you will be lucky like me - both my angel babies have come out in their sacs, and I delivered the rest fairly soon ( second time after a good rumage by a doctor, yurgh). But this meant I could spend time with Daisy very soon, without being on a drip or taken away to theatre.
In some ways it is harder for partners to get their heads round all this and deal with it. As females, and being the one actually pregnant, you have no choice but to confront stuff, and have to find out info because it happens to our bodies. Men can block all this out, and are not forced to face it, so I think they find it all more difficult really. And also they try to be strong for us, whereas it must be just as heartbreaking - but men don't always show this. I hope you are both getting lots of hugs from each other.
Yet again, I have spent ages writing this, so hope I haven't cross posted with anyone saying the same.
More hugs, glad you survived today, possibly harder than friday in a way. xxxxxxxx

Mrs Victor
I just want to send you such gentle support and for you to know you are not alone. You have made a choice no-one would ever, ever want to have to make. You have made it out of love and respect for your self and your baby and your OH.
I have had two terminations for DS but you know, i am not sure it is the right word for you, as you said yesterday. You are letting her go maybe?
Just deal with each minute as it comes. Your heart and spirit and body are enduring so much right now. Be as small and gentle as you need to be.
Lins and Cantdo and others have given such good practical advice and information - so valuable. But in the end, follow your instinct- they would agree - anyone would- there is no right and wrong.
You will get through this.
I had a thought- I know the consultant was a little bleak with his mention of increased risk of DS, Turner's etc as you are 41. But the condition your little one has is so very rare; the risk of recurrence must be almost invisible. And surely your risk of the other chromosomal problems is no higher than any other 41 year old?
I do not know - maybe you are not thinking of the future right now- I know after my first tx- I just needed to know there was a chance I could conceive a healthy baby. It kept me going;; gave me hope.
Sad, sad things happen to good, good people. I am not sure why, but it just does seem to be this way.
I have said this before- possibly only a few days ago- but a tiny and beautiful thing has happened. I love my partner more than I ever did. We have shared something intimate and private and dreadful and we came through it. You will too.
with love to you
And hello to Katiecubs
Bee xxxxxxxxxx

Hi everyone.

MrsV, how sad a day. Did you gag on the tablet? I found it very hard to swallow. I didn't have the procedure you describe as my little ones clearly wouldn't have been born alive, so the consultant said there was no point. The result was that I never knew exactly when their hearts stopped beating, but I suppose knowing doesn't make it easier.

I concur with the photo suggestion. I held my second baby - the first, born at 13 weeks, was too small. I held her in a tiny tiny casket but couldn't have held her like a baby. My second looked like a tiny doll, just like a baby, but tiny, and with a very bruised face - you could see she wasn't okay. Like Lins I was tired and drugged when she was born and though I held her I felt very out of it. I have all the photos etc but I can't look at them still. Though now days pass and I don't think of my lost child. How is that possible? I suppose it is how we live. Good luck for Friday and I will be thinking of you.

Katie, hope you're okay. And NeedCoffee, good luck to you too for Friday. Sorry DD2 has chosen now not to sleep - they always know how to wind us up! Have you found someone to look after her on Friday? Oh and if I were you I would make sure you eat - I fainted giving birth at 12 weeks and was very very shaky, and it made them reluctant to let me leave. Realized it was because all I had had all day was a cereal bar at breakfast.

Bee, so glad you are finding comfort and love. I have been thinking of you so much but didnt want to pester you.

Hi everyone else!

Thinking of you MrsV. I haven't been through the same procedure, and couldn't possibly add anything to the wonderful advice that you've already been given. Just wanted you to know that you're in my thoughts.

You will get through this and the sun will shine again.

BK x

Hi Girls,

Thanks so much for thinking of me ? I?m ok. I had a bit of a bad morning yesterday (OH at work and Mum gone back home) the realty hit me and I just felt so sad. I think it?s partly down to the fact I have been sitting around at home watching daytime TV for far too long! Anyway so I got my arse in gear went to the supermarket and made dinner for us for the first time in weeks! Made me feel loads better, I am back to work today and again I think that will help. I guess it doesn?t do anyone and good sitting around feeling sorry for themselves does it ? I think I?ve done more than enough of that for now!

Mrs. V I am thinking of you I really hope tomorrow goes as well as it can
Having Kittens thinking of you too at this difficult time of year
Longtime thanks for posting your experience ? it?s good to know you understand how I feel ? I hope you are ok
Bee how are you doing? Have not forgotten you are going through a difficult time right now too
Hope everything is going well for all the pregnant ladies out there and you are feeling good :-)

Katie xxxxx

Morning everyone, slept well last night, poor hubbie up til 3 but i've been out cold. Never had sedation before but crikey it's good.
I'm able to face what we need to do tomorrow now, I'm going to venture out and get a little comforter and some little teddies perhaps. I'm terrified to be honest but seeing her I know is for the best.
So tearful this morning, yet so calm for most of yesterday. Still today is a practical day, I have to buy nightie ('you mean I can't wear PJ's?')some magazines and healthy snacks for tomorrow, and baby things.
Bee I'm so glad that your in a safe place filled with love.
lins and cantdothis big hugs to you both as I'm emotionally waking up to what needs to be done tomorrow. My natural reaction is to run away and not deal with the pain.
needcoffee it wont be our finest hour tomorrow hun but we'll get through it
katiec I hope everything is okay with you
BK I dont know your story hun but I can guess. Lets hope the next 5 wks flies in and you get the all clear.
Thanks for all your kind words and support J x

MrsVictor, my heart goes out to you to endure such sorrow. I will be thinking of you tomorrow. And you too Needcoffee (apologies I think I forgot to say hello (thought I had further up).

I wish I could add more but so much has already been said, so eloquently. Am away Saturday for our short trip so won't be on till after the weekend.

Peace to you all on your rocky road. xxxx

MrsV
Dear girl - is unimaginable really isn't it?
But you will get through it. I hope the day is gentle, that the staff are warm (it sounds like they are), that you and your OH can cling to each other.
Just deal with each little moment as it arises and take comfort and advice where you can. I think the midwives who deal with these early deliveries know well how the spirit is rocked.
I am glad you have read the words of Lins and Cantdo- they have lived it and their words are wise and thoughtful.
You are getting through it minute by minute -it is the only way.
We will be here for you tomorrow.
hugs
Bee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Oh MrsV, I feel so much for you. I do recommend taking snacks (the hospital food isn't good!) and sugary drinks to keep your energy up. And lots to read. I read nonstop while I waited for the pain to kick in with Stella. And it was surreal - I was lying on the bed, reading, and it was almost peaceful. Except not, obviously.

There is no brave, or cowardly, way to handle this. Just the way that works for you. Take the drugs, the help you need. Everyone will be kind - I found people much, much nicer at 20 weeks than at 12. They really understood the horror, and they were compassionate but also the midwife was firm with me (I needed someone to be - I struggled).

We had the chaplain come after Stella was born. I am not religious, but his blessing made it feel as though she was an acknowledged person to other people too. It meant a lot to me. You might want to think about that - the midwife can ring him/her.

OK, I am going to stop blethering. I am thinking of you so much, and I will be tomorrow too. We will all be thinking of you.

Katie, thanks for posting. Work helped me, actually, both times - the normality was reassuring, and keeping busy did help - I think Katerina and Brightongirl both felt the same. Also trying to plan nice things - nice food, outings, etc - works as well, even if you don't feel like it.

This thread is in a sad place at the moment. But we do have this place, and I am grateful for it. Hugs to everyone who needs it. And I am off to eat my Waitrose 2 dine for a tenner dinner, to be recommended for anyone needing solace.

just popping on to say hugs for mrsV, I hope you have had a calm quiet day.

I have had a day of trying to keep occupied but the second I remember I feel like a ton of bricks has hit me, the extreme sickness this moring hasn't helped either.

I will be thinking of you tomorrow.

KatieCubs-I hope you are feeling as well as can be.

Hi to everyone else

Hi MrsVictor, I second what Can'tdo says about a blessing. I am not the faintest bit religious but we had the hospital chaplain in both times to bless my girls and somehow felt this to be really important - plus you might get a blessing certificate, which could have your baby's name on it. In the absence of a proper birth certificate, I value my blessing certificates as official recognition that they were here.

I do hope that today has not been too surreal for you. It's a hard time, all in limbo.
I don't know what to add to make anything easier for you. All I can say is not to rush yourself once you've given birth. Spend as long or as little time with your precious one, tell her anything you need to say, - sounds so silly to say, but savour it if you can bear. It is a difficult and sad time but I hope you can create some memories to cherish, because these things have a habit of becoming really important later on.

I will be thinking of you and hoping your body does what it needs to without any complications, and that all goes as smoothly as these things can. Good advice to keep drinking energy drinks.
One last thing, in my first labour, Amy was close to being born but it wasn't happening, and I think I just wasn't ready to let go mentally. If you find this happens to you, have a quiet moment to breathe and just think, 'it's ok to come out now honey, I am ready for you'. It might do the trick.
Woah, that's set me off. Had forgotten that bit.

I am away now until Saturday pm, so sending you love and very special wishes. Hugs to you and your man, and a weeny kiss for your baby.xxx

Mrs V

Dashing out the door to work but I wanted to send you love and strength on this hardest of days. We'll be here... x