support thread for women who have chosen to terminate II

[brightonbaby]

Erm, trying to create a new thread for us, ladies. Not sure if I've succeeded...

Kate, I haven't had any counselling, mostly because I don't like the idea of it. The irony - I have recommended counselling glibly to so many people, and here I am rejecting it. I reckon stick with it if you feel it helps, don't if not.

Been to the park with DD this afternoon - feeding the ducks. I say feeding the ducks, but DD kept scoffing the bread!

Home now. Tried a recipe from new cookbook - penne with Boursin, salmon and broccoli - which even DD ate, so definitely one to recommend...

Ok dd is asleep.

Katerina - hello there. I hope you stay on the thread if it is helpful to you.

It is a great thing this thread - people come and go and come again, use it to help you. It's such a thing - to have a space to off load or talk about baking, to read along or post a plea for help. It's safe too, we can talk about how we feel here, and face our demons.

Katerina - I'm impressed with your hospitals provision. As someone who has had therapy [for something work related] I'd say stick with it if you can. There were days I hated it, days I didn't want to do the work, days I frankly didn't feel I deserved such torture! It did help though, once I gave myself to it adn put in the work as it were.

No start charts here, dd1 hasn't ever done anything to warrant one. Only 4.5 though so there is time!

So good to hear from Linspins - and to read all your posts.

To my Bee - read of your dreams. I often wondered what your dreams were. They are as I imagined, and I have had similar myself. An epression of anxiety and terror. I hope they are decreasing.

Hope DD stayed asleep, Tree...

Busier, forgot to reply to your suggestion earlier. Yes, it would be great to create our own space to remember and forgive. Actually no combative character has popped in here since I arrived, so maybe we are just going to be left in peace.

Banana bread's in the oven, rising madly. Is this the time to admit that I don't like bananas...?! DD loves them though...

Got half way through and had to go. DD is a grump bless her.

Big waves to pf and shangrila.

I know when I was expecting it did seem everyone was, so it must be extra true for you all. Hard hard thing.
Have everything crossed for those trying......exciting scary times!

Banana bread made - haven't tried it yet though. I stuck some chocolate chips in for added measure. It smells and looks great.

Time for the Tweenies here!

Cando but banana bread really has nothing to do with bananas and everything to do with sweet comfortingness - so you never know. And the chocolate chips may help too.
Have one of those incidents to relate - I went out last night. I know it seems like am a social bee at the moment - am not usually - but somehow end of academic year there is more than usual.
Anyway big group of 8 friends from university days - some know about first pregnancy, some about both and some about neither.
Dear lovely cuddly, gentle friend I have not seen since last summer and who knows about both burst tears on seeing me. I said jollily, ' Don't cry or you'll set me off and I've done enough crying'. And twice in the evening someone or other tried to engage me in conversation and I just could not. If people have not been there all along, where do you start? And I fully understand why they ask and try and talk about as to ignore it would be offensive too. But I felt the rising panic, the threat of tears and being exposed in a not safe environment. So I appeared cagey and dismissive of my own pain and hiding behind humour. But inside? The tears and sadness welling. In stark contrast to the gentle intimacy I shared this weekend in Swissland and the 'knowing every bit of my experience' that you ladies share with me.
Felt isolated and isolating. Realise how very, very vulnerable I am.
Just needed to share it with you as wonder sometimes if am shutting myself off from the Real World.
Which I am I guess.
Big sigh.

huge BB you poor poor bee. Funny how some days we can go on just fine, and other days, are well...crap. Really do think you need to try again, will help your ultimate recovery, plus will also mean that your 2 losses won't have been in vain as you'll have a lovely minibee to share with your LM, your dream come true. (not to mention I need another same day mate)

Next week is the dreaded trip to Edinburgh, and suspect I may be in a similar situation. People in Bristol don't know about termination (don't have many friends here as new to the city) where as a lot (if not most) of them know in Edi...am worried about my (and their) reactions when I see them. Suspect will be wailing mess and won't be invited back!

Just back from swimming lesson followed by soft play, am hoping to get decent nap out of mini bez now.

Feeling sad with you BB, little cry needed here me thinks.

BK xx

Busier, it's so not surprising how you felt last night. Particularly as you had the whole added stress of people having different levels of knowledge about what had happened. No one knows what to say, and of course, while they are all utterly sympathetic, they just can't understand.

I ended up emailing a couple of close friends to tell them everything, as I just couldn't face having to tell them in person initially, but haven't told wider circle who I don't see so often. DH has similarly told a few of his closest friends, but not everyone. We were at a bbq recently with a couple of his uni mates, and I was thinking "phew, well at least they all know, so we don't have to face going through everything from scratch" until we got there and found another couple had also been invited who we hadn't told. DH had to unobtrusively take them aside and tell them - I had been sitting there completely frozen as just didn't know how to handle it.

Think our choices are either to sit at home seeing no one, or to try to resume some kind of normal social life, albeit one where we sometimes have to pretend to be doing better than we are both for our own sake and for the sake of the friends we are seeing. Being falsely jolly is exhausting and depressing. But I reckon in the long run it's better for us to do as you are doing, despite the horrid vulnerable feelings right now.

K xx

Thank you my dear mumsnutters. You are right of course. I just cannot go there. Why would I want to? It does not help to undo the stitches I have loosely and carefully sewn over my wound. Normally am happy to share and be open with friends. Two of them emailed or texted today to apologise for bringing it up at an inappropriate time - feel for them really. I would be the same.
Came home and told LM and he understands of course.
Yes weeping time again. But you are right Expensive Chocolate Pudding, I am much more steady than I was. I was all over the place for first two months - dare not even read back on the thread to see.
Yes Bezz - would be healing to ttc if indeed it worked. And i would love that but twice bitten, you know? Edinburgh going to be tough - if it is like my Swiss affair though, there may be some comfort in sharing it over a few days in little pieces with women who care about you and know you.
Katerina - glad you have told some people in Real World - but it does not always help does it?
Have shopped - retail therapy it is then.
Two totally unnecessary tops. And a very unnecessary dress. Sale. So that is okay - it would be rude not to buy something when they so cheap.
Am off to Sussex tonight (groan) to train and inspire 45 people in the teaching of reading. Any reading issues - me your woman.
xxxxxx
xxx
xxx
Love it when I am in a wobble and write here and come home and a little pile of lovely wimmin have reached out. Thank you friends.

Busier, I can imagine how you were and I would have been, too. My solution to this is to tell nobody, which isn't a very healthy solution (clearly I repress things...). But you are doing so well and you have to accept the blips with the improvements. They will just get less, that's all.

Bezzy, Edinburgh will be a challenge. But they are your good friends, which I am sure will make things easier...

Kate, the barbecue sounds stressful. You are doing so well managing to tell people. I'm hopeless (see above).

Well, anyone want the banana bread recipe? It's delicious, and immensely comforting. Mind you I do think it needed the choc chips. The recipe suggests warming a slice through in the toaster before buttering and eating, which I did, and the butter melted into the chocolate like Nutella. YUM. And I don't like bananas!

DH is out this evening so just me and mini Cant at the moment. We're watching Balamory and drawing.

Keep going Busier, we're here!

Recipe please! I have some very questionable bananas in my fruit bowl that could do with a purpose.

How you doing otherwise Can't?

BK x

Evening everyone,

I haven't had a chance to catch up with the last two pages yet as I just logged in. Wow, it's hot here. How is everybody coping in the heat, especially the pg ladies?

Quick! Save those poor brown bananas from the fruit bowl...I make more a banana cake than bread. I use 1.5 cups of self-raising flour, .5 tsp baking powder, .5 cup soft brown sugar, 2 bananas mashed up (that's the fun bit and it turns into a gloopy dough), and add whatever you like, dried cranberries, raisins, chocolate chips, nuts. In a separate bowl, mix 6 tbsp of orange juice (squeezed), 2 eggs and recipe says .6 cup sunflower oil (which I don't have, but I substitute melted butter and olive oil mix). Mix everything together and put in oven for about 45 minutes-ish.

I'm just re-reading back all the postings. Hope everyone is all right this evening. At least Murray is through. Phew!
xx

Banana bread from Cooking with Daisy with a Cantdoitagain twist

300g plain flour
100g sugar
3/4 tsp bicarb
1/2 ts salt
3 very ripe bananas, mashed with fork
100g yoghurt
2 large eggs
90g butter, melted then cooked
1 tsp vanilla essence

Grease and flour the bottom of a loaftin and preheat oven to 180C/fan 160/350F/gas 4.

Sift together flour, sugar, bicarb and salt into a bowl.

In another bowl, mix mashed bananas, yoghurt, eggs, butter and vanilla essence with a wooden spoon.

Once these ingredients have been combined, fold into the dry ingredients with a spatula - don't overmix.

When you have a thick, chunky batter, scrape into loaf tin and bake for about 55 mins until a cake skewer comes out clean.

Leave to cool for 5 mins in the tin then turn onto a wire rack.

It's particularly good sliced, warmed through in the toaster and spread with butter according to the cookery writer.

I added choc chips to mine - folded in with dry ingredients into wet ones - and I recommend the twist a lot!!!

Crossposted Brightonbaby - we are awash with banana bread/cake recipes. All to the good!

I am okay. I keep saying 'okay' because I am. Don't have meltdowns, or screamy fits, or anything. Just have recurring intense sadness. And a phobia about pregnant bumps. And nightmares. But I am okay: I am coping, and I will cope.

Good that Murray got through so easily, indeed.

oooh thanks for recipe! I have all the ingredients except for orange juice...darn....do you reckon apple juice would work? (pardon my ignorance, baking novice here)

Bez, my recipe (I cross posted it with you)seems to use yoghurt where BB's uses orange juice - try yoghurt if you have it, maybe? or I reckon apple juice would work - it works in homemade muesli/granola - but I am bad at swapping ingredients.

thanks Can't, REALLY need to get some food in, so will prob leave the baking until I've hit Tesco. Far too hot now to be in kitchen anyway!

Tis true - too hot for baking.

And this banana bread is a bit addictive, because it's less obviously sweet than cake and you could eat more of it before getting fed up.

Even - apparently - someone like me who doesn't eat bananas....

And my suggestion for the banana bread is.. to bake two at a time!Really easy to get through it and fairly healthy .. for a cake.
Am in my Sussex country house - red pepper soup and proper home made shepherd's pie coming up with 'make that a large one' of vino sussex bianco. Am the ONLY Solo diner!
Have got copy of Atonement to pretend to read and am right now sitting in the lounge writing to you lot! First thing I did when the car touched down,
Where is the wi-fi?
How paffetic I am.
I have the world's smallest room! A true single with a single bed - you could not swing a cockroach in there. Only one left.
Brighton Babe - I am near you really - in Arundel - should have swung by for cake at yours first.
Am worn out from the driving- and missing the kidlets and my man. Have reverted back to clinginess..
Cantdo - well done for being okay. Okay is pretty impressive really. I was a right old ranty, screaming nutter for a good few weeks.
Now have a peculiar sadness that is more manageable. I guess this is what is so scary for me when it comes to trying again.
Before I get to the pure unadultered sadness of loss, I am put, or I put myself through, the mangle of horror; anxiety, panic, crippling doses of anger. It has sent me to a very dark and lonely place. Who would choose to go back there? If my odds (how I loathe that jolly little word that is associated with betting on horses) were better than I may feel more positive. Really can see that the way ahead is all doom and gloom and am not sure if this is portentous or simply an inevitable consequence of the double affliction.
But then again the whole reason I started baby-making at age 40 was for my beloved man - who still can not accept that he may not be a daddy. And how can do that to him?
But the what ifs are huge and am not sure my spirit can endure more, you know, CRAP.
Same old stuff I have been banging on about for months - sorry gals.
Off to the bath.
hugs

Oh Bee, so sorry that you're so sad. I feel your pain though, is it not the loneliness that makes one blue? Capt C working stupid hours this week (not home before midnight - no, before you ask, no baby making going on) but now also feel myself slipping into the sadness, being alone leaves too much time to think. Felt uplifted at the prospect of baby making, but now just feel bleurgh, and probably drinking far too much, which doesn't help, so just as well there's no baby making.

Do you have anything to look forward to BB? anymore holidays booked?

BK x

Hello everyone,

I have missed you all and wondered about you. I have read a few times too, but I haven't been able to sit and tpe and think - there has been work on the house [15 sash windows to refurbish, groan] and all manner of illness and odd happenings. Lots on, and it's fianlly got hot here. Muggy sweaty tree, not balmy swaying in breeze tree. Urgh.

So it sounds like BB and Bezzy area having gloomy days. We said this way back, when those days were everyday, and gradually there came a sunny day 1:4 [odds, we don't like odds], and then we worked up to mostly sunny. Odd cloudy time though. Bound to be. Weather it, and it will pass. It's just shit you have to have this strength, shit you have to weather this. Pap.

Bee. You have been zooming about the place on lots of visits and outings! Is that what you do or are you keeping on the go to stop head invasions? Bee, are you sort of making a decision on the whole 'do we don't we' thing? If it's rude, hurtful or too hard - just ignore me or tell me off. I only ask incase you want to answer iyswim?

No banana bread here, although did make pesto. DD1 turned regal nose up at it, so resorted to filling freezer with sweet potato slush for weaning.

Love to Linspins. The heat must be a bugger for you. x

And you GU, really hope the sickness is easing off - not good with the heat.

Big waves to all, posters past and present, and those reading thinking of joining us. Do if you think it might help to tell your story - I believe I speak for everyone when I extend a welcome hand.

Hi everyone,

Katerina, Lovely to see you back. I hadn't realised it was your first pregnancy too. It does seem that a lot of women on here already have one DC and you described exactly what I've been feeling, how I miss being pregnant rather than an actual baby, because I can only imagine what it's like to have a baby in my life. And your fig tree is such a lovely thing to do. I hope it brings you some comfort as it grows. I'm happy to hear you're trying again. We are planning to wait about two months (I'm hoping it's only two months!) and the good news is my period arrived yesterday and it's just like it used to be... as if nothing has happened. I did put it to OH that we could always try this month, but we'd already agreed to wait. Sigh.

Bezzy, how's your bathroom going? I need to get my bathroom re-done...maybe it would help get me down to the gym and going swimming again! Seems like you are there a lot!

Busier, your reunion with your Uni mates sounded tough. Having to be strong all the time, it's like a mental workout isn't it...and you described exactly how I feel out in public with friends. I hate how when people ask and I say 'I'm fine, really' enough times, they actually believe it. I sort of want them to see through me.

Oh, and Busier, I just read your latest post from Arundel...whatever you decide, to try or not to try again, we will be here to give you love and support and to listen (well, read!)....oh, and yes, you ARE really nearby...why not swing by on your way home? You're very welcome!!!! I would love to meet you!

..and before I retire to bed (a little early, I know), it's just too hot to stay up, I wanted to say thank you to the long term committed on here...you know who you are...you've helped me beyond anything in RL...more than you can know. So, thank you for sharing your stories and advice and, yes, for making me laugh and cry loads. I would love to meet some of you in RL one day. Who knows. Someone asked earlier, yes, I am on fb, but pretty inactive, there are just too many friends posting pregnancy and newborn baby photos there.

Hello BrightonBabe.

Meet up must be hard. Blimey, when people aske me about dd2 and her colic, I feel like telling them to join mn and read my various rants and pleas for help. So in all your shoes I think I'd be tempted to print this thread off and hand it over to anyone who asked.

It's just so hard, where and how does an experience and life event like this fit into life and relationships and conversations. On what box on what shelf is it stored in?

Sleep tight folks.

P.S. on a much lighter note - does anyone think Andy Murray's girlfriend look a bit like his mum....who looks like him....so.....