Support for Women who are TTC or Pregnant Following a Termination for Abnormalities- Thread 8

[Alittlexmasmagic]

Welcome to the newest thread of support for those ladies who are pregnant or trying to conceive after terminating for abnormalities (tmfr). Since this thread first began (almost ten years ago!) there have been stories of heart break, sadness and fear, but from these stories there have also been stories of happiness, success and most importantly, hope.

Congratulations @No1worrier for your positive news xx

Sorry you find yourself here @CornflowerBlue100. I would agree with what Kiki said. I went through such a range of emotions and had to give myself time to work through it. I had some counselling and to be honest I wasn’t sure what the outcome would be, but it’s helped me in ways I wouldn’t have imagined. Huge hugs to you xxxx

Great news @No1worrier

@CornflowerBlue100 so sorry that you find yourself here, it's the worst club to be in but we do all get it and it does help to know that you can come out the other side. I would just second the advice of others, take time to mourn, give counselling a go and also just be kind to yourself and make sure you put yourself first for a while.

@Kiki275 @seahawk80 @urmysunshine4

Thanks for your comments and support. I do have some specialist counselling lined up, but they didn't have space until September. I hope it will be a positive experience for us and I think I'll try and speak to ARC in the meantime.

Keeping fingers crossed for everyone x

@happygolucky20 hope you're okay? Thinking of you x

Hello everyone :)

I have lurked on this thread for a about a month after I had a TFMR on the 15th June for suspected T18. We didnt end up having a CVS etc. As you will all know its a very personal choice! Reading all your stories on here was a great comfort.

Anyway fast forward a month and I am pregnant again 🙈. We are a bit gobsmacked, i havent even had a period yet. I know its a new pregnancy as I tested negative 2 weeks after my TX and they are now blazing positive at 14ish dpo (the only reason i know dpo is my body ovulated with an absolute vengeance). We werent trying but obviously werent preventing.

In the last year i have been pregnant 4 times, 1 early miscarriage, 1 blighted ovum and then the tfmr. I also have a very healthy 21 month old daughter. And now this!

Anyway sorry for the ramble just wanted to know any tips for coping? I kinda want to avoid talking to doctor/midwife until i am further along but is that a good idea? For some silly reason i feel quite positive, is that stupid? Any tips welcome!

How is everyone doing? I've been feeling really anxious and worried about 20 week scan. Had a scan today to check if placenta still low at 16+5 and it was nice to see all is ok for now. I even felt confident enough to take my first photo! Won't post it here as I find scan pics really triggering but I felt like it was an important milestone.

Sorry @rosed1008 missed your message when I posted! I'm sorry for what you've been through and gentle congratulations on the new pregnancy. I found distraction was key to getting through the early weeks. I'd also say it's worth getting booked in etc just so that you can then ask for support and for example I wanted my 12 week scan to be first thing in the morning so didn't want to leave getting an appointment to the last minute.

@Seahawk80 gosh yes i didnt think of that! We were last thing on a friday with our TFMR and that weekend was absolute torture.

And thank you :)

@rosed1008 you've been through an awful time. In your situation I'd let the appropriate teams know ASAP. They'll be able to hopefully give you extra support & scans. I can totally understand your reluctance though. Being positive however is good!

@Seahawk80 the 20wk scan was the worst for me! Palpitations and everything leading up to it. Hope it goes smoothly for you x

How does everyone stay hopeful after TFMR?

Just that really... I'm a year on from mine and now TTC again, but I recognise that I just feel quite bleak about it. Like I don't believe anything will ever work out well again. Not just in TTC but pretty much every life area.

I am in 2WW and self sabotaging by having a drink or two because I fundamentally believe it won't work out anyway I think. Absolutely no excitement about the entire process and feeling scared to get pregnant, scared not to. Most people seem desperate to get pregnant and will do all it takes but I'm finding it a bit complicated emotionally I think.

@GoingGently wish I could give you a big hug. We're a bit different as TTC was an all powerful force with me. It's all I could think about.
In your position I'd be tempted to speak to a GP as it sounds like you need some TLC with your mental health. There's no quick fix for what we've been through & nothing will make it better. What we can do is try to separate what has happened from what will be, it's not easy xx

Thanks @Kiki275 that's so sweet. I definitely felt a huge urge to get pregnant quickly afterwards, but I think that was mainly hormones. We needed to wait for our genetic tests for about 4 months so that subsided.

I actually rang the GP a couple of weeks ago to tell them I was struggling and his response was "oh you should probably speak to a professional about that"

I do see a therapist but it's definitely not a magic wand (wish it was). My recovery has been complicated by my sister conceiving weeks after our loss and giving birth days before our TFMR anniversary, which I've posted about here before. Feels much harder to leave the trauma in the past and move forwards when it's all become a bit intermingled with this other baby. It's like a living reminder of what we are missing and a lot to process on top of everything else. I lost my family support system when she got pregnant and it's all just been incredibly hard.

@GoingGently ring back, speak to a different GO and get them to refer you. Another path might be through the hospital bereavement team. You're not getting the help you need.
It is a perfectly valid reason to back away from your family for a while. If they can't/won't help you, then put the self defences up and avoid them for a while. Let them know why and request a bit of space.x

@GoingGently sorry you are struggling. It is so hard. To be honest I really struggled to stay positive and until I got past my milestone of the 12 week scan I just could t even be hopeful about this pregnancy.
Two things that did help me were having a break and concentrating on myself, I cut down drinking, ate better and started running again. I also started counselling again. I didn't like my first counsellor but tried again with someone new and did notice a difference but as you say it isn't a quick fix.
Do put yourself first and step back from family of you need to. My BILs girlfriend is pregnant and due very close to me. If anything goes wrong for us then I'll be taking a huge step back for as long as I need to, and by a step back I mean not seeing them.

I'm finding pregnancy after loss difficult at the moment. The anxiety is always there at the back of my mind and if I have anything else to worry about I really overthink it and worry much more than I should. I'm having a nightmare with DS starting school and the start date and time off work. There's nothing I can do until tomorrow when I speak to HR at work and the school. I know it will all work out and just be a hassle to sort out but I feel sick and can't sleep properly. I know deep down it's because I'm anxious about the baby and 20 week scan and this is a distraction but I can't help it.
This whole thing sucks!

@Kiki275 thank you for your thoughts. I have been offline whilst we waited for our amnio. Sadly after 2 positive scans and 1 negative scan the amnio came back for a very rare chromosome issue and so we are having a tfmr on Monday. I am just so grateful for the bad scan as otherwise we would have been blissfully unaware until she arrived
My heart is absolutely shattered but not just for my baby, as I know we are doing 100% the right thing by her, her outlook is very bleak indeed, but more for the horrible TTC obsession that I went through to conceive her after our miscarriage last year. I don’t want to get sucked into the hole but yet know having a healthy baby is really the only thing that will make this ok.
How did you ladies survive this?

I think it’s more the fear of going through TTC again, and having another due date to miss her. To think of the what ifs. She is so loved and we will never get to meet her, it just seems so cruel.
I work in education and meet so many families who don’t care for their children that I can’t understand how this is happening to us? We would have given her so much love and care yet are going to go through hell without her there :( sorry. Not in a good place. I have been talking to unique who have been amazing but I just had a simple text from my midwife essentially signing off and I just think, are we not even worth a phone call? But I suppose if you work in the profession you are use to the harshness of baby making and it’s not as easy as the science teachers make out.

@happygolucky20
I am so sorry for your loss. Life is so unfair, and I complete understand the fear.

I felt so empty once my son was gone, and I was desperate to try again even though I knew that no baby would ever replace him or fill the hole he left, but my husband was insistent that I had enough time to grieve our son and come to terms with the loss and not get stressed about the what ifs of future pregnancies, and he was so right, because often when I'm hurting I deflect and focus on the wrong things.

Maybe while you wait for Monday to come around take the time to talk to your baby, tell her how loved she is and that you don't want her to suffer. It's not for everyone but it really helped me, and I also wrote him a letter which went in his coffin on the suggestion of our funeral director.

Thinking of you 

@happygolucky20 I'm so so sorry. I remember those surreal and sad days between making the decision and actually going through with it. I also spent a lot of time talking to my son and reflecting and letting myself feel it all. We also wrote him a letter to be put in his coffin, all the things we knew we'd never be able to say to him.
I talked to some people online before my TFMR and I remember a few of them telling me that it will get easier and that I will get through it. At the time I didn't really believe them but they were right. Be kind to yourself and your partner, talk to each other, cry, take all the time you need. There is life on the other side of this.
And if you need anything, we're all here for you. Sending love and strength ❤

@happygolucky20 I’m really sorry you are having to go through this hell! I was completely broken when we had to have tfmr for our baby last year. That was a pregnancy after a mc. The first few days/weeks are really hard. I too felt the urge to TTC immediately. Hope you have lots of support in real life. Be kind to yourself and take all the time that you need to heal. Life is so unfair sometimes ! xx

Thank you everyone. I am finding the waves of emotion really difficult and I hate that this is our life right now, it seems so utterly unfair! I have also been informed that I carry the issue, a reciprocal translocation so there is 5-10% chance of this happening again or further miscarriages. It is like a further stab in the heart, I am just so grateful I have my 12 year old and what a miracle she is. We will certainly try again but possibly down the ivf route to try and save on the heartache but my focus is to say goodbye to my baby girl over the coming days. I am petrified for the after emotions and bodily changes, I just can’t seem to find acceptance but I am grateful that the consultant spotted some markers that all previous scans didn’t so at least she won’t be in pain, I suppose as parents we are protecting her and taking the pain for her xxx

@happygolucky20 I'm so sorry. I think others have given you good advice. I didn't cope very well in the lead ups to my TMFRs, I was basically in denial. It's probably easier to do that at 13/14 weeks but I do wish I'd thought more about saying goodbye to the babies. I'll be thinking of you on Monday. If you feel up to listening the worst girl gang ever podcast just did a 2 part podcast with a woman who had a TMFR at about 22 weeks. It might not be for you but I thought I'd mention it. Once again so sorry you find yourself here x

Hi there, I hope everyone is doing ok.

I’ve had my 12 week scan today and NIPT. What a nerve wracking day!

Baby is measuring 4 days in front, so I am 13 weeks today with a estimated due date 14th feb. It all feels a bit surreal. The NT was normal but it was with my edwards baby so will just have to wait for the bloods and nipt to come back.

The hospital have stepped up and made me feel as calm as possible so I am glad I requested the extra support.

This next week is going to be tough waiting but trying to keep busy and think positive!

@URMysunshine4 I'm glad the hospital is looking after you. Sending you all the luck and strength for your results and the next few days.
I have my 12 week scan tomorrow and I'm very anxious. I haven't gone for the NIPT as our TFMR was for structural abnormalities which would not have been detected.
The 12 week scan was where is all went so wrong last time. I almost feel silly for daring to think that everything will be ok tomorrow.
It's all so hard.

@URMysunshine4 hope the wait goes quick for you. Our results came back much quicker than hospital said they would, I hope the same happens for you.

@Brooklily good luck for tomorrow. I was terrified for my 12 week scan as that was where it all went wrong for us twice. I couldn't believe it was ok this time. I just kept trying to remember different pregnancy, different outcome.

I have my 20 week scan on Friday, starting to get more and more worried. I have a heart scan the day before as I could t get them on the same day this week and then I'm on holiday so although it's a pain with childcare I feel like it will be nice to know everything is OK with the heart and have that "ticked off" the day before. We go to Spain the day after the scan for a much needed holiday and are planning to tell DS about the baby when there. I just keep thinking how awful it will be if things aren't ok. I know there is no reason to think there will be a problem but I still struggle to believe that this baby will come home with us. We aren't finding out the sex, which is what I want, I loved waiting until DS was born but I also think it makes the 20 week scan a bit more daunting as it is purely a check and there is no excitement over finding out. But I'd be worrying even if we were!

Hope everyone else is ok x

Hello all. I haven't been around much as I was locked out of this account for absolutely ages and then I've been busy trying to sell and buy a house... Thought I'd bookmark this thread again because I feel that we may be a bit closer to actually think about TTC, which in itself is a bit surreal. My coil is finally coming out next week (hopefully) and I'll start folic acid etc, and I'll see how I feel for a couple of months. I'm hoping we can "stop preventing pregnancy" in the next couple of months and see what happens. I am a tiny bit excited and utterly terrified.

I hope you're all doing well. Good luck to those with scans coming up. It's such a nerve wracking experience but hopefully they will all go well and you can relax a bit.