12 week scan yesterday... devastated. Any advice welcome.

[WickedWitchOfTheWest83]

Hi,

So yesterday (Friday) morning my husband and I skipped off to the hospital for our 12 week scan, both very excited to see our very much wanted 2nd baby.

An hour later, after hearing the heartbeat and watching the sonographer struggle because the baby was moving around so much (which my husband and I were laughing at because we thought it was so cute!), we were ushered into a private waiting room and told our baby’s NT is measuring at 6.3mm and there seemed to be a bit of fluid around the head too. I was hysterical and my husband was barely holding it together.

They took my bloods and couriered them off to be processed as quickly as possible and booked me in to see the consultant for another scan and CVS on monday. So we are waiting all weekend unable to function at all!

The foetal medicine nurse/midwife who was in the room with us at the hospital, trying to reassure but also prepare us and explain everything to us as best she could, called yesterday afternoon with the results...

1:146 risk of Downs.
1:9 risk of Patau’s Syndrome.
1:9 risk of Edwards syndrome.
Hormones are very low too - 2 particular pregnancy hormones that I don’t remember the names of.

So all is still going ahead on Monday with the scan and CVS. The consultant isn’t actually working on the ward that day but she is going to be in the hospital and has promised to come to the ward just for me.

We are in pieces. I can’t believe this is happening to us! This sort of thing is the kind of thing you read about but never think it would happen to you. Not really. I’m 34, my husband is 38. That’s not really old, is it? My husband and I just keep taking it in turns to be the strong one and hold the other while we cry. It’s mostly me crying, but he is just as devastated. We have to get through the next few days of tests, results and decisions and I’m not sure how to do it.

I keep scanning the internet and these threads looking for good news - women who have had the same experience but had healthy babies. We wouldn’t continue with the pregnancy if we didn’t think the baby was going to have the best quality of life, but we are trying to not go down that road yet - we want it to all have been a mistake on the doctors part.

I’m not sure what I am asking, but please post whatever replies you think might help.

Wanted to add my condolences and thoughts to this thread. What a grim few days you have had. I think the name Poppy is great and I'm glad the hospital staff were good once you got there.
Be kind to yourself. And you ARE allowed to grieve - in fact, it is vital for your recovery xx

Sending you strength. Poppy is a lovely name. Just to say I am self employed too and although it’s tempting, don’t rush back too quickly- I took a month in the end. The grief and anger is so raw to start with, the worst is when you have been asleep and you wake up and it hits you as you remember. It is 7 years now since my tfmr and I rarely think of it now so it does fade.

Its a lovely name. Good luck in the future, I look forward to trying Poppys Preserves. So sorry for your loss.

Thinking of you and your family OP. So sorry this happened.

Rest In Peace little Poppy.

After I had a miscarriage I did my best to be brave. I told myself I really should not feel sorry for myself - I already had 2 lovely, healthy children from 2 easy pregnancies and births so compared to so many people I was really very lucky. But as the months went on it got harder, especially around the due date.
Fortunately I got pregnant again very soon after that and had our youngest. I don’t think it would be possible to love her more than I do, but even though she would not have been born if I hadn’t lost the previous pregnancy, I still grieve that lost child.
That was 16 years ago so ancient history. The grief is nothing compared to what it was. But it is still there. There’s no logic to it but then emotions aren’t logical.
I’m not sure what point I’m trying to make, except that although you need to cope with your grief, don’t try to deny it. It’s part of you, just as your baby was, and it’s worth honouring.
Love to you and yours x

Oh @Wicked my heart is hurting so much for you. Take all the time you need to grieve and to rage. It's what you need. We are all here for you. I have been reliving my own hell through your story and those of the other mums here but it has been heartwarming too, to see everyone supporting other women even when hurting so badly themselves.
Sending you much love 💜

On top of everything, I think my marriage is over. I think my husband broke up with me yesterday. He caused an almighty argument about things that happened before I ever even met him - I was raped a few years ago and for some reason, even though it happened before I met him and I have dealt with it my own way and I never speak about it anymore, he seems to bring it up. A lot. And he says his name. A lot. From the rape, my son was conceived and I met my husband when my son was 9 months old. My husband seems to resent my son and I nearly left him, because of this, around the time we found out I was pregnant. He’s not abusive to my son or horrible to him, but he is the only “Daddy” my son knows and he is nearly 3 and starting to notice just how differently he is treated to his “brothers.” My family and even his family notice it too so when we spoke to him about it he said it was because whenever he looks at my son, he sees a rapist! Add that to all the abuse I get from his ex wife, which triggered all my health issues, and life was pretty stressful! He promised to get help and make an effort, as well as not allow his ex wife to abuse me (or at least keep her away from me) and things seemed to get better.
Then I found out I was pregnant and we made another proper go of things.
Then last night, while I was grieving and recovering and bleeding in bed, I got upset because of something insensitive he did and all would have been rectified if he had just said sorry. It was something small and it was easily fixed. But he wouldn’t and instead turned it into something huge and told me I was crazy and somehow managed to bring up my rape. Again. Started quizzing me on it and asking for more details - because he “looked at his Facebook profile and he looks like a normal guy!”

Riiiiiight - because Bill Crosby or Rolf Harris look like rapists? Because all rapists look like what, exactly?

I chose not to prosecute for my own reasons - out of fear for my life and for my child’s. I chose not to prosecute for fear of not being believed - one of the main reasons a lot of women don’t report rapes. Maybe one day I will, but the day after I have had a fucking miscarriage is not the day to be grilling me, suggesting I am even lying; at least that is what I think he suggested.

My parents have gone mad. They were the ones that had to pick me up and look after me after I was raped. They were the ones who had to heal me. Clean me up. We aren’t talking about a boyfriend here, we are talking about someone I spoke to for a few months on the internet and then met up with and he raped me. He told me no one would believe me, because of all of the talking we had done online - including lots of flirting.

I never thought the love of my life wouldn’t believe me and would then hold it against me THE DAY AFTER I LOSE OUR BABY!!!!

So I went to my mother’s house to be with my son and I haven’t heard from him since. I even texted him (nothing nasty and included a kiss, as muggy as I must seem!) this morning and he has read it, but he hasn’t replied. He didn’t care that I was off my face on painkillers when I left yesterday so shouldn’t have even been driving, not to mention I was crying my eyes out. Not to mention I’m still bleeding the remains of his child out????

He also doesn’t care that I am epileptic and stress triggers seizures for me.

He just doesn’t care. He hasn’t even asked if I’m ok.

So I think my marriage is over. Too much has happened and this is now the final straw.

I think he is relieved this happened maybe. I think he maybe wanted to end this before I fell pregnant and then couldn’t because he likes to be seen as the good guy all the time. He never takes responsibility and it is always someone else’s fault.

But what am I left with? Nothing. Not even my baby.

I’m completely broken now.

Stay with your parents ..take some time. With hormones and grief you need only support right now.
So.sorry for your loss of your baby.

Can you stay with your son at your parents for a couple.of weeks ? Ket them take care of you. Is there another chid as well ? Sorry I am not sure whether you have another child with your dh already.

Wait til you ready to talk with your h again.

No, I only have the one child. Biologically he isn’t my husband’s but he is the only father he has ever known.

The one we lost on Friday would have been our first together.

I’ll now be staying with my parents until I move into the new house at the end of this month. It was supposed to be a fresh start for all of us, in the countryside, away from the main source of stress, but now it will just be me and my son.

Oh dear! You really are going through it op, my thoughts reach out to you. Stay with Mum for now. When do you move to the farm?

Your son doesnt deserve how your dp is going to make him feel if you stay together. Such a difficult situation. I hope you are warm and loved with your family right now.

Oh wicked what a nightmare. I’m so so sorry

If what is a troll? Me????? You think I would make up something like this?

This is literally the only place I can actually share what is going on in my life because I’m usually a private person. I needed somewhere to talk and this thread has been amazing.

Now I’m being accused of being a troll.

Just add to my day, why don’t you??

You will be devastated? WTF
Troll hunting is not allowed here.
Op ignore.

Wicked I wish there was something I could do for you. I'm so sorry :(

I'm so sorry x

Wicked - I've just read your thread from start to finish and just wanted to offer you a virtual hug. What an utterly awful time you're having. Take whatever comfort you can from posting here and we'll be here to listen. As for the troll comment - I have no words!!!

I get the troll comment - sometimes trolls post very believable horrendous stories out of a pathological need for people to feel sorry for them. The ‘miracle pregnancy after infertility caused by cancer’ troll springs to mind.

But I digress. OP. I hope your DH comes to his senses and starts treating you right.
Look after yourself. A hot bath, chocolate and wine are in order

I believe you.

I'm so sorry, I posted without finishing

I'm really sorry for everything you've been through, it's all so horrendous. If your partner isn't nice to your son maybe it's a good thing he's gone? You've created something beautiful from something awful and he needs to appreciate that and work on a relationship Esther than constantly reminding you of what was probably one of the worst times in your life

I only meant my troll comment because some people would get a kick out of making up this kind of tragedy - sick people.

I'm so sorry, Wicked.

I have read this full thread and just wanted to say my love and thoughts go out to all the posters who have shared their own personal experiences.
Also Wicked I am sorry everything seems to be so hard and unfair to you right now. Take all the time you need to grieve. Never feel you need to rush that process for anyone.
Best wishes to all on this thread

I am so so sorry!

Hey, Wicked, I hope you are still reading.

Fwiw, there are plenty here of walked in your shoes or in very similar ones anyway - don't be put off posting here if it helps, even just a tiny bit