12 week scan yesterday... devastated. Any advice welcome.

[WickedWitchOfTheWest83]

Hi,

So yesterday (Friday) morning my husband and I skipped off to the hospital for our 12 week scan, both very excited to see our very much wanted 2nd baby.

An hour later, after hearing the heartbeat and watching the sonographer struggle because the baby was moving around so much (which my husband and I were laughing at because we thought it was so cute!), we were ushered into a private waiting room and told our baby’s NT is measuring at 6.3mm and there seemed to be a bit of fluid around the head too. I was hysterical and my husband was barely holding it together.

They took my bloods and couriered them off to be processed as quickly as possible and booked me in to see the consultant for another scan and CVS on monday. So we are waiting all weekend unable to function at all!

The foetal medicine nurse/midwife who was in the room with us at the hospital, trying to reassure but also prepare us and explain everything to us as best she could, called yesterday afternoon with the results...

1:146 risk of Downs.
1:9 risk of Patau’s Syndrome.
1:9 risk of Edwards syndrome.
Hormones are very low too - 2 particular pregnancy hormones that I don’t remember the names of.

So all is still going ahead on Monday with the scan and CVS. The consultant isn’t actually working on the ward that day but she is going to be in the hospital and has promised to come to the ward just for me.

We are in pieces. I can’t believe this is happening to us! This sort of thing is the kind of thing you read about but never think it would happen to you. Not really. I’m 34, my husband is 38. That’s not really old, is it? My husband and I just keep taking it in turns to be the strong one and hold the other while we cry. It’s mostly me crying, but he is just as devastated. We have to get through the next few days of tests, results and decisions and I’m not sure how to do it.

I keep scanning the internet and these threads looking for good news - women who have had the same experience but had healthy babies. We wouldn’t continue with the pregnancy if we didn’t think the baby was going to have the best quality of life, but we are trying to not go down that road yet - we want it to all have been a mistake on the doctors part.

I’m not sure what I am asking, but please post whatever replies you think might help.

Wicked.. its fine to rant. You are facing such a whirl of emotions. When it happened to me, I was worried about what I would have to go through, and all the grief for the child I had lost. DH was grieving too, but also worried about how he would support me through it all. Its such a terrible time for everyone. Thinking of you

Thinking of you OP x

wicked and nightmanager hope you are resting up and as ok as you can be under the circumstances
to both of you

I had a similarly awful experience. I was 12 weeks pregnant, had scan and they spotted a problem in the heart, blood test, age and scan put me at 1:2 risk. I ended up having a mass bleed the night after the CVS. Hospital next day and wee one was going strong and then I got the dreaded call saying T21. I knew but it was truly horrific, all my plans and thoughts of the next year were suddenly whisked from under me, ...gone...then the guilt as I know others who went on to have a DS DC. My OH couldn't understand my tears after a week or so, why are you still crying? I could have punched him. Men as much as they try really don't get it, they don't carry the DC, they are not the ones experiencing the hormonal changes, they are not the ones having to pass the DC....or have surgery...I suffered and felt grief for a long time. I did get pregnant quite quickly afterwards and that helped the healing even though I was fearful...you take care...PM anytime

OP didn't want to to read and run. You're in my thoughts. I hope things work out well for you

@wicked how did it go? I’ve been thinking of you at such an awful time. I hope you get to rest and have people who can look after you, even if your DP is finding it hard to support you.

I’ve found women who’ve been in the same situation to be a huge source of support and comfort.

My op on Friday was ok - they pushed me to the top of the list so it was over as quickly as possible and all the staff were lovely. I’m resting at home and either completely fine or overcome by sobbing. I expect that’s normal. The strangest thing is that my body still looks and feels pregnant. I’m going to take this week off and rest/do nice things.

@bananasplits50 my story is exactly the same as yours (minus bleeding after cvs). Interesting to hear you found getting pregnant soon helped. We are thinking of trying again soon - how long did you wait and were you terrified it might happen again? I’ll be older obviously so that pushes my risk up too.

Nightmanagerfan i was pregnant 4 mths later. The fear and anxiety was horrible and my OH was worried it was too soon. The difficulty you have is that you will be told you are high risk again anyway even if the scan is perfect. We were 1:4 risk again due to previous T21 age etc , scan was perfect thought this time. So it was CVS again and he was fine. The fear of something going wrong stayed with me during my whole pregnancy....

I had planned to have an induction on Saturday but our little girl was born naturally at 22:45 Friday night.

I started having light spotting in the late afternoon and some dull period-like pains but I thought it was something I could cope with until the next day. Then they turned into full blown contractions at about 8pm and we left for the hospital at 9pm. Waters broke on the way to the hospital and it was just horrific. I was screaming, my husband was trying to hold my hand and calm me down whilst also driving like a nutcase to get to a&e. Then, once we were there the hospital staff came and got me from the car in a wheelchair and had to wheel me through a packed a&e - it was packed with drunks and everyone was staring at the girl in the wheelchair crying out “my baby” and holding her belly and crotch, and you could see, plain as day, the blood and waters everywhere. The staff did their best to get me processed and up to the ward as quickly as possible though and once I was there the doctors were swift and caring.

The baby was already in my vagina so they just pulled her out with forceps and my husband and I held her for a while.

We named her Poppy.

I was kept in until late Saturday night as I had to have surgery in the afternoon because my placenta wouldn’t come out on it’s own and I was in a lot of pain. I still kept having contractions.

Now I’m home and just lying in bed. My son is with my mother still but tomorrow I know normal life has to start again. I’m just not sure how!

My husband, other than that one time I ranted about, has been amazing. He is waiting on me all day today and he just lets me talk when I want or cry when I want or just be silent when I want. I knows that it is different for me than him and after witnessing what I had to go through physically, I don’t think he will ever compare our individual experiences of this again. We both lost something huge and loved though, that part is the same.

I just don’t know how to brush myself off and get on with life. I have to - I have my son to get on with! My mum said earlier “take today love, I’ll have him a bit longer and you can start over tomorrow nice and fresh! New beginning - this’ll be good for you darling!” And I know she means well but I could have really shouted at her. I didn’t. Because in some ways, she is right - everyone is right when they say the same kind of insensitive things like “be grateful for what you do have, your son, your lovely home, etc” or “you can try again” or “you’ll have another one!” or “brush yourself down and find something healthy to focus on”

I know they are right, I know this is what I actually have to do and what I will do - we will have another baby, we will focus on getting healthy and making something good come out of this (we have decided to both enter next year’s London Marathon tomorrow when the ballots open and do it it for a charity like SOFT or ARC) and make Poppy’s short existence make a difference to our lives and to other people’s lives. I do need to get my son to nursery tomorrow morning and I do need to get back to work as I am self employed and don’t earn when I don’t work.

I also need to grieve. And it feels like I’m not allowed to do it for too long. So I will do it today and from tomorrow I will do it silently and only to my husband - who has said I can grieve as long as I need to. His fire station are also organising a big charity event at the station and they were struggling to choose a charity. This has made it easy for them now and it will give my husband something else to focus on whilst also being “allowed” to remember Poppy.

I hope anyone going through similar is kind to themselves and I send you all love and hugs. Thank you for being my hidden support. You have all got me through something so hard and I honestly am so glad I started this thread because I couldn’t have got through it without you all. As crazy as that sounds! It’s been easier to talk to you that it has my own family. No one but you all actually “gets it” and not even my husband gets some aspects of it that only you women could.

Thank you again and I hope this thread gives future women going through the same, some support, even though it didn’t end well. The advice and love on here should be support for anyone reading it - women supporting women is a great boost to anyone’s morale.

Lots of love x

Wicked, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It's terribly terribly sad. What you just said, aboutife going on, brushing yourself down and getting on with it, it is true to an extent and I believe it can help a bit but please please give yourself time to grieve . It's a process that must be gone through. Will you have some counselling? I'm sure it would help to talk to someone experienced in this . I'm glad your husband is being supportive. Thinking of you. X

Oh wicked how distressing to have to go through all of that knowing the outcome. Poppy is a beautiful name and im sure she will be remembered with love. Maybe you can have some poppy prints in the house to keep her close?

Please dont worry about limiting your grief. Its a heartbreaking thing you have gone through and it wont just go away but it will feel less heartbreaking in time. As you say im sure more happiness will come your way but for now be kind to yourself and let your body feel whatever it needs to.

I was surprised after having my 14+2 girl how much my body ached afterwards and how long for. I had an erpc but it was a good two weeks before i physically felt back to normal. It takes time.

Oh wicked. I’ve read your update with tears in my eyes. You poor things.
for you and for Poppy. Such a beautiful name.
I think running for a charity like ARC is a wonderful idea and takes that notion of a life meaning something and really applies it to your situation. What a lovely legacy for her.

A better name you could not have picked. Poppy.

@ASAS shove off.
Let her grieve. Op it's a beautiful name. You're in my thoughts

Oh Wicked

I'm so soooooooo sorry.

You make sure you look after yourself.............. xxxxx

Wicked, lots of hugs to you and may your lovely little Poppy rest in peace

I’ve been where you are. Hugs to you. It will take a long time to feel better and Poppy will always be part of your family. Be kind to yourself and your family. It’s such a lot to cope with. Tomorrow is 8 years to the day since our son, Adam, was born and died at 22 weeks. The pain is much softer now.

I think @@ASAS was being nice about the name.

Wicked I’m so sorry for your terrible loss of Poppy. Wishing you all the strength in the world 💐

Crying for you here. Please allow yourself all the time you need to grieve. I can’t begin to imagine what you’re going through. So glad you and your DH seem to have such a strong loving bond to help you through this.

Poppy

Oh OP, that sounds so horrific and sad.

When I miscarried a little baby with Trisomy 13, it was the worst thing ever.

SOFT are brilliant.

I had my son a year after losing my baby, but I will never forget my little one.

People mean well, but can be unintentionally hurtful. It's not a beginning for you, it's the end of all the hopes and dreams you had for Poppy.

Wicked I hope it goes without saying that I think Poppy is a beautiful name.

Unsure why on earth anyone could think I meant any different.

So sorry for you & your DH Wicked, please allow yourself as much time as you need to grieve. There is always Mumsnet if you're struggling to articulate things in real life.

for Poppy - beautiful name.