Terminating due to hyperemesis but feel guilty.

[tevin]

I recently found out I'm unexpectedly pregnant. I have 2 dc already and suffered with hyperemesis both times (last time it was barely under control). DH and I have always agreed that 2 dc is enough and I couldn't go through another hyperemesis preganancy so I've made the decision to terminate.
I'm on ondansatron already at less than 6 weeks as the vomiting is spiraling out of control but I'm really struggling with my decision. I keep thinking about having another dc and how natural 3 seems. We have the space, although room sharing would be more difficult if this one was the same gender as dc1 due to the bigger age gap, and we could manage ok financially.
But I'm so sick already. I can barely move for nausea and the ondansatron are controlling most but not all of the vomiting.

How do I stop feeling guilty and sad and move on when I know that terminating is the best choice in reality?

Im so sorry. No specific advice but you are in a horrible situation. Please think very carefully if youre not convinced abt the termination though x

Hold on the thought that terminating is the choice you made with a clear head and for the right reasons. It sounds like this pregnancy was an unfortunate mistake and you wouldn't have considered having a third DC otherwise. Remember too that your conflicted feelings are mainly due to the hormones that are there to ensure the survival of our species. Choosing to have two DC is a very valid choice. Terminating because of this and because pregnancy is such a horrible ordeal for you is okay.

FWIW I would be utterly horrified to find myself accidentally pregnant again. We too could afford a third DC and we have plenty of space. I just don't want to do it again and that is a valid reason to terminate IMO.

Hi sweetie. I have had three pregnancies with HG (not the absolute worst I have heard of) all three times, and took a lot of medication but was still constantly nauseous and spent the first few months in bed, mostly.

I was on my own and it was almost impossible, however we made it, and after about 15 weeks there was a very slight improvement and then by about 25 weeks it had pretty much gone. But those first weeks were unbearable at times.

It is very very hard, I know. I considered terminating all three times (oldest is now 10, so long gaps between) and can completely understand the helplessness and despair that can take over.

In some ways I wish I had been brave enough to do what you are considering as the impact on the other children was quite bad, at the time, of me being non functioning but they have survived it and we are all getting slowly back to ?normality.

(baby is now 10mo)

I just wanted to say I get it. You have no easy option here and I wish you the very best whatever you decide.

I hope you don't mind my asking, but do you want help with dealing with guilt and sadness, or to explore doubt about the decision? Possibly wrongly, I think I sense the latter.

If you don't want to go there, please ignore the rest of this post; for what it's worth, I think the decision as it stands is a completely legitimate one.

But, it seems to me that there is more than one thing going on here and maybe these need teasing out and looking at separately.

You say you've agreed as a couple that two is enough yet, for you, three is something that feels right on some level. Deep down, would you like three?

Although I've never had significant MS, never mind HG, I hear how much you've suffered with it. However, were you to wake up tomorrow and find the sickness and nausea gone, how would you feel then? Would the decision instantly change? Not likely to happen, but would it tell you anything about whether the decision is the right one?

I feel for you - it sounds like the worst kind of head and heart decision.

(Tbh, I'm torn about posting this because I don't want to add to the problem - forgive me if it's unhelpful.)

lostlove has said exactly what I was trying to. You've made the decision to terminate based on becoming seriously ill when you're pregnant, and that is perfectly valid. However if you are going to regret terminating and do actually want another child then you must explore options / come to terms with your decision.

Personally I don't think you should feel guilty at all - hyperemesis sounds just horrendous, and is a serious threat to your health, and your ability to care for your other 2 children while you have it.

But it sounds, as lostlove says, that you are experienceing regret because there is something in you that would like another baby. That makes it extra, extra sad if you simply can't have another baby because of the effect pg has on you.

Remember it isn't your fault you suffer from hyperemesis, it's very bad luck that you are so horrible afflicted.

It's OK to grieve and be sad that the condition makes it unthinkable that you have another pg.

Maybe get some emergency counselling and talk this through?

So sorry you in this position, I barely had MS, and I have immense sympathy for anyone suffering as you are doing with hyperemesis. Personally I prefer to be in pain than extreme nausea.

Thank you all for your kind posts.
Lostlove is right in that deep down (not even that deep really I've openly said) I would like 3. When I told DH he agreed 3 feels 'right' but I've been so ill already I'd basically be checking out of life for 9 months. Dc1 can remember all the times I was in and out of hospital to be rehydrated with dc2 and I don't feel it's fair to put any of us through that again. It lasted past dc2's birth and this time has started sooner and more aggressively so I know it would be just the same this time.

I'm not really sure what advice I'm asking for as if I'm honest I don't see how I can do pregnancy again but I so so want to be able to. I think I need help to deal with the guilt and sadness and all the anger and unfairness I feel.

Remember, it is only time and time passes. It may be hell while you are living through it but it will end. I wanted to terminate with my second hyperemesis pregnancy which was unplanned but they changed my medication and I somehow got through it. Now, my son is 12 years old and I am glad I endured it. Get through it any way you can. Take each day and mark it off. Your older children may remember it now but will they remember it in 5 or 10 years time?

I've been there OP. I was in and out of hospital, drips to rehydrate me, constantly ill plus the fact when dehydrated I get migraines. I even had the dr teach me how to give myself injections 3x a day to alleviate the sickness. Nothing worked, it never let up and I considered termination. I was making my lovely dd miserable and dh was missing work looking after her and it was ruining our relationship.

I know what you mean about checking out of life for 9 months. It really is like that. The only thing that stopped me was knowing I wouldn't be doing it again. I don't think anyone would blame you if you choose to, my nurse told me it was more common than I thought! At the end of the day however I just couldn't do it and I was still sick the day I had my c section!

I'm not having any more and the sickness is just a vile memory. My gorgeous dd makes up for it. Good luck whatever you decide.

If you regret a termination it will be with you forever.

It's perfectly ok to terminate because you don't want any more children and/or because your health is suffering. Lots of women in that situation will make the same choice and whilst it makes them sad it may still be the right choice for them. I think there is an expectation perhaps that if termination is right for you then it will be obvious and you will feel an immediate relief but life is far more complex than that isn't it? It can be right for you but you still feel sad about it.
However something in your last post really gives me pause. You say 'I would like 3. When I told DH he agreed 3 feels 'right' but I've been so ill already I'd basically be checking out of life for 9 months. Dc1 can remember all the times I was in and out of hospital to be rehydrated with dc2 and I don't feel it's fair to put any of us through that again' (my italics)
Now that's the bit that worries me because one thing I do know - you live with this choice for the rest of your life. Everybody else - even dh - will live with it for now and if you continue yes it won't be an easy year BUT if you terminate it's forever and you cannot make that choice becaue you're trying to be fair to someone else. You have to be fair to you. Children can cope with a mum who's unwell for a while. Your husband can cope, your family can cope.

What you need to do is put YOU at the centre of this decision. At the moment I think dc1 and 2 are in the middle, closely followed by dh and you're hovering on the fringes. That's not going to work. Put YOU in the middle and do what's right for YOU.

I don't see how I can do pregnancy again but I so so want to be able to.

This is difficult, OP, because I'm so not in the business of trying to persuade people to continue or not continue with pregnancies, but when you say that, my tendency to want to start with the problem-solving kicks in...

It's not easy to judge whether that's appropriate or tremendously unhelpful.

well said NL

I have HG, for the second time and I am on the support thread on here for it, it is common to have fleeting or strong desires for terminating as HG is so bloody awful, debilitating, robs all of the joy from life ..

but - you've had it before, forewarned is forearmed; this is my second go and this time is not quite as revolting as my pregnancy with ds
you already have ondansatron < a major battle to get hold of>

forget all of the outside factors, and as NL said, purely and simply , what do you want?
for the record I totally understand either way, there is nothing like HG

It must be horrendous. But seeing as you want the baby i would seriously consider that the sickness is temporary. The sadness, no matter how logical to terminate, will likely last forever (seeing as you do want this baby).

interesting about the anger and unfairness, too, I felt that, like I'd never have the chance to enjoy a pregnancy

I am a strong believer in the cosmic balance of having HG = something else down the line will be easier, this thought keeps me going some days.

I am sorry as others' posts on here are much more empathetic and thoughtful than my clumsy words, in RL do you have a support network? family/friends? who you deeply trust so they could help you through it with either decision.

You poor thing.

I lost my first pregnancy at 13 weeks due to HG. I had never experienced such awful, sustained nausea and vomiting. The disappointment when I lost the pregnancy was dreadful.

It took me years to gather the courage to try again.

My third pregancy was accidental and in my 40s. In the end I went through it, and was bedridden for nearly all of it, except when I was in hospital for scans and monitoring - due to IUGR.

I have not regretted continuing with the pregnancy, but can absolutely understand where you are at the moment.

Much depends on what help and support you have.

I hope you manage to make a decision that you can live with. I think that is what it comes down to, in the end.

No-one has the right to judge you. HG is like torture. For me, my wonderful DD made it all worthwhile, but I know that for you it is hard to look that far ahead. You need to make the decision that is best for you and your family.

Forgetting everything else I'd like to keep it. But I'm so so scared of doing the wrong thing for the family. I know we would cope (not much choice really!) if I don't have the termination but the what ifs worry me. Last time ondansatron worked well (ignoring all the constipation and huuuge weight which has taken until now to lose) but this time I'm struggling even with the ondansatron and I know there's not much more they can do. Dr only gave me ondansatron as he didn't see the point of me suffering for nothing, I'd have had a fight if I was keeping it!

I know it'll mean 9 months of DH doing everything as well as long hours at work and my job is quite demanding as well as sorting homework for dc. And how bad will I need to get before I get more help because if I'm still vomiting with ondansatron now it'll get worse between 8-16 weeks based on past experience! As well as more damage to my teeth from vomiting.

I'm sure I'm not making much sense as I'm going round in circles. Practically the best thing for everyone - me included- is to go ahead with the termination but I'm really worried about making the wrong choice. DH has said he'll support me whatever but is very worried about the toll another pregnancy will take on me.

Thank you all so much for listening. I've got great friends and family but obviously they are worried about me and hesitant to advise either way.

Hyperem support thread please come and talk to us

arguably ondansatron is the best anti emetic out there; but if you need further help you can be prescribed steroids - at the top end of HG it can in effect be a kind of allergy to pregnancy, steroids have really helped some of the women on the support thread, also Ondans can be combined with injecs of other emitics to improve its efficacy - it's a kind of trial and error

Very difficult decision to make, wishing you peace whichever way you choose x

When I had two miscarriages, I felt guilty. For me, part of the process of loss were feelings of guilt and failure, even though I needn't have as I wasn't responsible / to blame. Made it even worse.

I've been following the hyperemesis support thread but hesitant to post in case I go through with the termination.
I did bring up the question with DH of what if I can't go through with the termination and I know I'll have lots of support but I'm just so so scared and confused. I'm sure some of it is hormones and I'm trying to separate the scared of hyperemesis feelings from how I feel about another child. I feel so weak and pathetic but the thought of this for another 8 months is terrifying!

That's the effect of HG talking - it wears you down. I wasn't nearly as bad as you and the other ladies here but I've thrown up all through every pregnancy and ended significantly lighter than I started each time BUT I could still (just about) function and true HG really makes that hard. I don't think you should feel you can't post on the support thread though. I'm pretty sure nearly all of the people posting there will have at least thought about termination AND have concerns like you do about family etc. The teeth thing - mine took a pounding but I have three lovely crowns now. I think you need more time and more information.

yes they have. it is a support space in the true sense of the best of MN. without them being there for me to read, people who actually understand I don't know where I'd have ended up

I'm going to risk going out on a limb to sum up the positives:

At worst, it's only eight months of misery if you continue (+ possible limited continuation into the postnatal period), not forever.

You have lots of support to draw on.

You seem to want a third child and your DH doesn't seem set against it either.

NL makes a good point about further reflection and information.