Terminating due to hyperemesis but feel guilty.

[tevin]

I recently found out I'm unexpectedly pregnant. I have 2 dc already and suffered with hyperemesis both times (last time it was barely under control). DH and I have always agreed that 2 dc is enough and I couldn't go through another hyperemesis preganancy so I've made the decision to terminate.
I'm on ondansatron already at less than 6 weeks as the vomiting is spiraling out of control but I'm really struggling with my decision. I keep thinking about having another dc and how natural 3 seems. We have the space, although room sharing would be more difficult if this one was the same gender as dc1 due to the bigger age gap, and we could manage ok financially.
But I'm so sick already. I can barely move for nausea and the ondansatron are controlling most but not all of the vomiting.

How do I stop feeling guilty and sad and move on when I know that terminating is the best choice in reality?

I didn't put that very well - I'm still on anti-emetics and suffering from more nausea than my pregnant friend despite the fact that I'm not even pregnant anymore :(
I've got a mouthful of healing blisters and bleeding gums and it just feels so unfair that I couldn't do what my friend is sailing through. She's glowing while I look like shit.
Sorry I'm feeling very angry and sorry for myself and it feels like everyone thinks I should be glad I'm not so ill and I'm not, I'm so sad and so angry and just wish I could be like everyone else and actually enjoy a pregnancy rather than this.

For what it's worth, I think feeling angry and sorry for yourself would be entirely understandable, even if you were back to normal physically, which you're not - it's something you just have to allow space for and work through in time. You don't need to apologise for how you feel.

Others who haven't found themselves in such a difficult situation, faced with making that decision, probably won't be able to get where you're at right now so are focusing on you getting well physically; on here I think we understand a little better, and we're here to listen.

Thank you lostlove I feel a bit guilty being so upset about something I did, kind of like I have no right to feel so devastated still. I'm still feeling so guilty and trying so hard not to cry in front of family and friends as I can see how uncomfortable it makes them.
I'm hoping that time will help me to come to terms with the fact that I had very little choice if I wanted to come through healthy myself and with a healthy baby, the doctors in hospital were very supportive and advised me to think carefully as the best they could do still wasn't enough for me to leave hospital and function.
I'm so glad that mumsnet is here and there are people out there who understand and don't see me (i think) as the awful selfish person I feel like.

Please take care of yourself Tevin. You sound really fragile - both physically and mentally. I really don't see, from where I'm sitting, how it would've been possible for you to continue with this pregnancy. You are not a selfish person. You're a human being who has two DC to care for and who needs to function. Throwing your guts up for nine months is no way to live and I doubt your family could've coped with you being out of action for that long either - I know mine couldn't. I even had a flu jab every winter, because I can't imagine how the family would cope if I was ill for a week!

Tevin, you have the right to feel how you feel about all of this. If you feel some counselling would be beneficial, please talk to your GP. You are allowed to ask for help, if you need it.

I had a termination and I felt horribly guilty and sad and basically wretched for a long time, and I never talked about it. Terrible decision.

Please talk, on here, to those you trust, to a counsellor if needs be. Please look after yourself.

You poor poor thing. You have every right to feel upset and angry. It's not fair, yes it's something you 'did' but you only got to choose the least worst of the shit options available to you. If you are this ill now im guessing it would have been worse if you'd continued the pregnancy? Take care and look after yourself. I don't suppose it's clear now but you did the right thing for the right reasons and you will see that given a bit of time. Xx

You're right juneau I couldn't realistically have continued. I'm sure, given the doctors' advice in hospital, that I would have seriously have been risking my life to continue and I couldn't do that to my family. One if the things I wanted to avoid was losing it later on or having to have a later termination.

I am selfish though because despite all that I still wish I was pregnanf. I felt massive pressure from family and friends to go ahead with termination for my safety but I think I've sacrificed my happiness. The me that came out of hospital isn't the me that went in.

I'm so grateful that you are all still listening to me as it's hard to make family or friends understand, even though they try. I've got counselling booked through my gp which I hope will help as at the moment I feel like i'm drowning.

I understand what that feels like. I think counselling will be helpful in allowing you to grieve, to let yourself acknowledge the sense of loss, and to learn that you shouldn't blame yourself for it. There can be a sense of loss, very much so, and you might find you can't forget the date you had the surgery, or the estimated due date of the baby that was terminated.

For me it was never helpful to think of the baby as an 'it', because it didn't allow for the huge gaping hole that opened up when I woke up from the termination. I lost something that day and I think I needed someone to tell me I hadn't done a terrible thing, I had done the right thing, and everything was going to be alright.

I really feel for you. if I could offer a suggestion, please keep talking to those close to you about this, and on here. You need to be able to lay it to rest, so it's not hurting you anymore.

Thank you purrtrillpadpadpad I'm sorry that you have been through this too and hope you have found peace and happiness since.

I'm clinging onto the thought that I couldn't have coped and the damage that would have been done to my body and my family's wellbeing and hope that in time things will be easier.

I didn't have surgery which has sort of been easier as I think people see I'm not back to normal and try to help. It has made me think non stop about another child and it does hurt a lot but probably (hopefully!) not as much as hyperemesis and all the complicationd would have.

It's completely allowed for you to feel devastated, despite having made the ultimate decision.

And you are so, so far from being an 'awful selfish person'; you were faced with having to balance the conflicting needs of a number of parties and resolved it as best you could. In the circumstances it's difficult to imagine coming out of it without mixed feelings or regrets, to some degree. Like I said, I think you just have to allow the complexity of your feelings space and time to be felt and worked through. Don't place unrealistic expectations in yourself x

I am 27 weeks into a HG pregnancy and have considered termination - but this is my first pregnancy and I have decided this will be my only baby. I can't imagine ever going through this again it is torture. Its made worse by people telling me 'oh you just wait, you'll have another' I feel this trivialises what I am going through. But I know I shouldn't be angry with people as someone who has never experienced HG has absolutely no idea how awful it is. I am in awe of you for going through it twice. The only way I can describe it to people is to say 'imagine having norovirus and a hangover constantly for months'. I completely understand your decision and think you have made the right choice for you and your family.
I hope you start to feel physically better soon and I hope the counselling helps.

Oh batpenguin poor you it's really hard. I have a largish gap between my 2 (4 and a half years) and dc1 was definately going to be an only. I didn't even consider terminating dc2 but my gp was very confident we could control the sickness and it was a lot harder than expected. I kind of knew from the minute I found out this time that controlling thungs would be even harder. I only made it through last time because dc1 was able to dress independently and is very good at amusing themself; dc2 is only just 2 and only just potty trained so much less independent and character wise much harder work! The doctors at hospital were much less confident about controlling the vomitimg as the ondansetron made no difference (i took the max dose and was still vomiting 30+ times a day).

lostlove you have been so helpful and so understanding xx

I'm sure that as time goes on i'll come to terms with things. I keep reminding myself that there was no easy choice and I did the best I could which is all anyone can do. It's just so painful and I didn't expect it to hurt so much. It hasn't helped that well meaning inlaws keep urging us to try again in case it's better. I know it can't it wouldn't be better it'd be worse- if that's possible!

I'm really grateful to you all for still listening; I know I'm going round in circles and repeating myself. It's only on here I can be really honest; I see the disappointment when I'm upset irl so try to act 'better'.

On bless you. I had Ondansetron and for me it wasn't the 'miracle drug' it was proclaimed to be but I certainly wasn't being sick 30+ times a day when taking it you poor thing. I can't imagine how anyone would cope looking after a little one at the same time I know I wouldn't manage.

Your inlaws comments are unhelpful, I don't think I've ever heard of anyone on here with HG go on to have a 'normal' pregnancy afterwards. They should be grateful that you will be ok and that you have two healthy children.

Keep posting on here, PP's have given some very good advice. You are clearly a strong lady.

I'm sorry that you feel you have to put on a front for others on top of all you are going through. People say such stupid things, don't they? You can try again FFS? Did no one ever tell your ILs to engage their brains before opening their mouths???

Counselling is a good idea - you've got such a lot going on with guilt, sadness, frustration at the HG, feeling unsupported and misunderstood by those around you, that others were putting pressure on you to terminate. I hope it helps you to make peace with your decision and with those who love and care about you, but perhaps weren't as helpful or supportive as they might have been.

Are you still feeling/being sick tevin? I think you will probably begin to feel a bit better when at least you are relieved of that awful sickness. How cruel and disappointing that the relief was not immediate - I suppose it takes time for your body to catch up and for the hormones to settle.

Definitely definitely see about some counseling/therapy. When I was in hospital they had a counselor attached to the obs/gynae unit who came to see me in my bed and I saw her a few times later in the pregnancy as well. It was really helpful as she had actually seen other women with very severe HG so had some sense of what it was like. I discussed termination with her.

I too found that ondansetron was not a magic bullet but on the max dose it did bring the vomiting down to only (!) several times a day. 30+ is completely unsustainable. Even if they had kept you permanently on a drip and sorted out some sort of alternative nutrition with a line - both of which are bad for you and quite likely to lead to infection eventually - you would have been seriously risking your health.

Just because you made the right decision for you and your family doesn't mean you don't have the right to grieve, both for this pregnancy and for the whole 'experience' of a happy/normal/reasonably OK pregnancy. It has taken me a long time to come to terms with that much more general sense of loss.

I'm not sure my inlaws have brains to engage juneau! They are convinced we knew the sex (I was under 8 weeks!) and that I was several months along. My mil asked several times if I could just try and went so far as to drop off ginger flavoured everything! We hoped not to tell them but we got stuck for childcare whilst I was in hospital.

I'm still being sick mornings/evenings if I'm tired but am constantly nauseous kalidasa but it's a little better everyday so I'm hoping it won't last long.

I know it'll all get better and I've got my first counselling session next week so I hope I'll be able to feel, not happier but more peaceful.

You are very brave tevin and I wish you all the best for the future. I hope you feel better soon.

Glad you're talking through things on here. Sometimes it's easier to talk to strangers than people you know in RL. Hopefully you can get support from mn.

You have been through so much in such a short space of time and kali is quite right in that you need to grieve as well as come to terms with what has happened.

Counselling will help as will time and support. If posting here helps please continue. sending hugs xxx

Checking in to see how you are, tevin.

I know I'm going round in circles and repeating myself.

This is to be expected. I've done the same with others and in my own head - I think it's just what happens when one is trying to reconcile the irreconcilable, if that makes sense?

In the end, I've arrived at a place where I can live without being able to neatly resolve my feelings about my TMFRs, as if I can feel I did the right thing, doubt the decision, grieve and regret all at once.

TMFRs TFMRs

lostlove I'm so sorry you have been through this pain too. I can't imagine having to do this more than once. I hope that one day I will be as strong and generous as you sound.

I've had a very honest conversation with my DPs and DH about the pressure I felt from them to go ahead with the termination. It has helped to see their point of view and I can understand that they were trying to reassure me that I was 'allowed' to not continue a dangerous pregnancy rather than trying to push me into it and they have a better understanding of the guilt and grief that I feel and the fact that I am having to lay to rest any hopes of a third child as well. DH is also feeling lots of the same feelings as me but guilt too at the huge relief he feels and guilt for not being strong enough to watch me suffer. I hope that we can all move on together and that I won't feel obliged to act better but will now have more space and support to just 'be'.

It really helps to know that all of this is normal and that I will learn to live with it as other women have. I keep reminding myself that there was no right or wrong choice; just 2 wrong choices and I made the one that will hopefully be slightly better. Although my DC don't know what has happened they have definitely been affected by it already; they are really clingy and dc2, when talking about a lost toy, said it was lost 'just like mummy was when she went hospital and I cried'.

I know that I couldn't have coped with the pregnancy; the HG last time caused me to start self harming again (something I have not done for a very long time) and I am really fighting the urge to start again.

Now if I could just explain all of this to my heart....

Not sure if anyone is still following this but I wanted to be do a positive (ish) update. Today is the first day since the sickness started that I haven't cried. I've had a bit of a chat with the counsellor ahead of my appointment next week and I'm hopeful it will help.

I met a friend today who has another friend who's terminated for health reasons and she, much more than anyone else irl, got a lot of how I'm feeling and chatting with her has made me feel ok.

I'm still feeling guilty and angry and sad (sad doesn't really cover it) but I'm ok with that; I've smiled and laughed with my lovely children and realised just how much they need me, not just a parent or carer but me and that helps.

I hope I'm finally on the doorstep of the first step to coming to terms with the termination and thank you all so much for all the support and understanding I've had. I'm not dissapearing yet as I'm sure I've loads more bad days to come but hopefully some good ones too!

Glad to hear it. Just to reiterate, be kind to yourself. You're allowed to feel however you feel, whether that's good or bad. Glad you are also feeling physically better too, youve suffered a very long time :(

I'm still very nauseous but have managed today without any medication which is nice. I'm trying to feel each feeling and let it work through me and I'm finding that lots easier than trying to 'get better'.

Really nice to see a happier post from you Tevin and I'm glad you're feeling a bit physically better too. Hopefully each day you'll feel less nauseous as the hormone levels reduce. I'm glad too that your DC are cheering you up and making you feel wanted and needed.