Terminating due to hyperemesis but feel guilty.

[tevin]

I recently found out I'm unexpectedly pregnant. I have 2 dc already and suffered with hyperemesis both times (last time it was barely under control). DH and I have always agreed that 2 dc is enough and I couldn't go through another hyperemesis preganancy so I've made the decision to terminate.
I'm on ondansatron already at less than 6 weeks as the vomiting is spiraling out of control but I'm really struggling with my decision. I keep thinking about having another dc and how natural 3 seems. We have the space, although room sharing would be more difficult if this one was the same gender as dc1 due to the bigger age gap, and we could manage ok financially.
But I'm so sick already. I can barely move for nausea and the ondansatron are controlling most but not all of the vomiting.

How do I stop feeling guilty and sad and move on when I know that terminating is the best choice in reality?

Still feeling much less sick and managing without medication but today has been hard; a colleague came in to show off her new baby and it really hit me that I've lost the chance to ever have another child. I know that I can't ever risk getting pregnant again. I think the real finality of it just hit me and I've been very teary.

It hasn't helped that as well as my pregnant friend one of my siblings has told me they are ttc no.3. Apparently they didn't want it to be a shock when they conceive :(

I just want to scream it's not fair. I didn't want to be pregnant, I was using proper contraception and then when it did happen I didn't even have a real choice. It just feels so cruel; why me? Why not someome who could have a healthy pregnancy? I took a combination of 4 anti-emetics, steroids amd still couldn't keep enough water down to leave hospital- what's the point?

I wish, awful though this is, that I could meet just one other person who has terminated because they had hyperemesis and like me can't risk trying again. I have such a huge hole inside and I can't have the one thing that would help- a healthy normal pregnancy. I have to sit and watch my friend and sibling glow through it and I'm so so jealous.

I sound like such a bitch. I am such a bitch, a jealous, angry, self pitying bitch.

No, you're not a bitch. You're grieving and in pain and that is entirely human and understandable and the timing of this baby's visit and your sibling's news is particularly crap when you're still feeling so raw.

But life isn't fair. Look at all the terrible things that happen every day if you want proof of that. Life is tough and unfair and shit at times and many people don't get what they deserve (both good and bad!).

However, you have two healthy DC, in spite of your serious health issues relating to pregnancy. To have maintained those two pregnancies to term is a real achievement. Many of us couldn't have endured a second pregnancy after one with HG. You did fabulously well to survive and give birth to healthy DC. Be proud of yourself and also grateful for the blessing of the DC you have. There are lots of reasons why people don't have the number of DC they dreamed of having (a friend of mine had such awful PND that she couldn't contemplate having a second, another friend's DH has such a low sperm count that her first baby was a miracle the doctors can't explain, and a second just never happened, despite her really wanting three DC).

Feel what you feel. Let those feelings go. But also count your blessings, as apart from the HG, it sounds like you have many.

Thank you juneau I've had a much more positive day today. I think ranting in here has cleared a lot of my anger. I cried to DH last night and he reminded me that I made a choice; a hard choice which didn't feel like I had one but I got to make it and that is so much more than some people get. If I want to try again knowing I might face the same choice I can - there are millions of couples who don't even have that so I suddenly feel so so grateful for having a choice, for having had 2 children where some people can't have any. Realising that it was my choice and one I made for the good of my family has been liberating. If I made that hard, unfair choice then I'm not making it in vain by allowing anger and jealousy to eat me up.

I'm not naturally a jealous person; I don't envy friends with more money or bigger houses or better paid jobs. So I'm counting my blessing and remembering my friend and sibling would have had more children even if I had amazing pregnancies and a baby every year. I still get to enjoy their new babies and if I get rid of the anger I'll be as close to their babies as I am my other nieces, nephews and friends children and that's a priviledge.

I hope this makes sense; I feel so calm, sad but calm and I'm starting to feel that I can carry this small sadness and still be happy, it's part of me but it's not going to define me. Xx

I sorted out my dcs' toys to make space and bagged up the last few baby toys without tears, a sad ache but no tears and definately no anger or bitterness.

I think you have every right to be angry and upset. I can't imagine going through what you have suffered.

One thought I had, reading this thread, and I hope you don't think this insensitive at all - would you perhaps consider using a surrogate if you did want to have a third child?

Hi freckledleopard my dc1 would love your nn - leopard obsessed! I wouldn't use a surrogate but DH and I had a chat about the possibility of adopting. We're going to wait for 6 months, maybe a year and see how we feel then. Most of the sadness i've felt has been thinking about a child rather than baby if that makes sense and I'd be wary of trying to replace this baby I couldn't carry safely. He did say if I want to wait until dc2 is older and try again then that's ok too. I seem to have non sleeping toddlers (hence I'm up now!) and the lack of rest definately made the HG worse.

To be honest at the moment I'm going to focus on enjoying what I have, dealing healthily with the sadness and feeling lucky to be alive and I'll let the future worry about itself. If another go at pregnancy or another child is in my future then they'll appear; if not I'll be happy with what I've got. X

tevin you aren't the only person I know to tfmr. I worked with a girl who had hg and she terminated her 3rd pregnancy.

She was worse with each pregnancy, I remember going to see her while she was off sick with dd2. I've never seen someone look so poorly and my heart went out to her.

She had decided enough was enough with 2 dd's, so when she caught again she was devastated. she had her tfmr at 7 weeks and fought to be sterilised (a story for another day).

You will get there, just take it a tiny step at a time xxxx

That's just how I was rach I was in and out of hospital with dc2 and each time I've seen my gp about contraception I've asked to be sterilised and been turned down as DH and I are both considered too young. I have been offered a referral now though?!

I'm still feeling much more positive. I think most of the pregnancy hormones have gone and I'm ok with the regret. I'll always wish I had been able to continue the pregnancy but I'm determined not to regret putting my children and health first.

Unfortunately I've started passing clots again (after having stopped bleeding) so it looks like the termination might not have gone as it should. I've got a scan booked this week to see what's going on. I'm so grateful for all the support I've had here; I really couldn't have got through this without all of you to talk to.

I do sympathise... Kerry was poorly with dd1 and I lost count of how often she was in hospital, and she said she felt as though she'd been robbed because she couldn't enjoy being pregnant. She and her dh had planned 2 dc and she said she didn't even think she'd have another pregnancy like the first.

Her 2nd pregnancy was worse and she was in hospital for most of it and so she asked to be sterilised but because she was so young - 24ish I think the Dr's refused.

Like I said she was devastated when she fell for a 3rd time particularly as she'd gone back on the pill, it was almost from the moment of conception when she got poorly.

You've been through worst bit and you will never forget this baby, because it will always be in your heart and on yout mind. Imho the stigma around terminations is awful, because along with the decision to tfmr you feel so so guilty and you absolutely shouldn't. It's a terrible choice to have to make but what choice did you have?

I think you have been so brave and please don't under estimate the courage it took for you to have made such a difficult decision

xxxx

I'm so sorry you feel so awful. A naturopath should be able to really help you with hormones/nausea. Definitely worth a try. Take good care of yourself x

Hope your scan went well and you know what to expect x

Thanks stealth I had a scan and then an ERPC which seems to have settled the bleeding. I've had my first counselling session which was in a way really helpful as I feel ok about having all these confused feelings and I'm hopeful I'll learn to live with the guilt and grief.

I'd like to be able to put aside the longing that I feel for another child though. I keep thinking that my youngest is too young to cope with me being ill now but what about in 2 or 3 years? Yet I know how ill I was, I know a further pregnancy would be even harder and even more risky so why do I keep thinking maybe? I need to stop and accept I can't do pregnancy. I'm hoping counseling will help with this too. I am soooo lucky to have come through 2 pregnancies and I really do feel lucky so why can't I stop?

I'm making small steps forward and a lot of it is thanks to being able to talk here with people who get it.

It must be a relief for the physical symptoms to be receding at last, tevin.

Would it be ok to allow the longing to be, but just say you'll revisit it properly in a few months or a year? That way you're not battling to suppress it, but not letting it take up space that you need for grieving either. Does that make any sense?

That does makes sense lostlove I was ok with wanting another child but accepting I wouldn't ever choose to be pregnant before. I think this has stirred those feelings up and now I feel I've lost my last chance. DH did chat to me briefly about the possibility of adoption or trying again in a few years time but we agreed that now isn't the time to make any decisions.

It is a relief not to ill but at the same time it's sad. I really wish I was still pregnant and keep reminding myself I'm thinking of a normal pregnancy not my style pregnancy. I think part of me is grieving for the fact that I didn't enjoy my pregnancies, I've always pushed the resentment aside and I think it's surfaced and needs to be dealt with properly and actually facing up to the reality that I have hg in pregnancy and always would is somehow quite scary. Maybe because it means admitting that if I couldn't do it this time I can't do it again.

I'm taking small steps though, I'm trying not to deny how I feel or tell myself off but acknowledge each feeling and remember it's ok to have negative feelings.

I'd say it's essential to have the negative feelings. They're what you get when life hurts and denying them does no good at all. Easier said than done though - as you say, there is the tendency to feel bad for feeling bad. And sometimes it doesn't feel safe to feel everything, as if it's more than you can bear. That's what good counselling does, gives you space and support - maybe permission, too - to go there.

I agree it isn't a time for making decisions, and really there's no need right now. Allow time for looking after yourself and healing properly. You've been through a rough time, and I think it's easy not to see how rough until time has passed and you look back when things are more settled.

It doesn't seem to me that you've lost your last chance though, nor that if you couldn't do it this time you can't do it again. This time was not something you'd planned for, and the prevailing circumstances weren't favourable. IME it's easier to walk a difficult path when you've chosen to walk it and have prepared for it practically and mentally. But this is probably for another time...

That's true lostlove. I'm only young and have lots of time, both to grieve and then enjoy my children being young and still think about more.

I've had to go back to hospital after more problems, which are hopefully sorted now! It did give me a chacne to have a really good chat (almost a debrief really) with the consultant who was looking after me whilst I was in hospital. She said mine was one of the most severe cases of HG she has ever seen. We had a good chat about treatments and what happened to me; I think that is one of the best things that I have done so far! It's given me some perspective and I can see what I'd need to do to try and help if I wanted to try again as well as accepting that actually when you need as much medication as I would just to survive then there is not much you can do but decide if you can suffer for that long.

I've taken the counsellor's advice too and have been allowing myself to grieve and not feel guilty and I'm definately on the path to accepting what's happend and why. Most of the sickness has gone now and I'm starting to feel stronger both mentally and physically.

It's been a hard time but I'm getting through it and I think it's making me stronger as a person. Thank you all for listening to me it's really helped.

Glad you had the opportunity to meet the consultant. I imagine that it answered a few thoughts for you. Also useful to have the medical perspective on your situation.

Am also very glad to hear that you are feeling stronger. These things take time so don't rush. Take it day by day and sometimes even take it hour by hour.

xx

The meeting with the consultant sounds like it was really positive, tevin - it's good that you had the chance to go over what happened and discuss what the future might hold. I'd guess that knowing how bad your case looked to an experienced professional helps with living with the decision you had to make.

I'm glad to hear that the counselling is helping, too.

this thread is very close to my heart. i had HG in the early 90s and then my daughter had it with her daughter. her experience was horrendous vomiting up to 50 times a day in hospital 18 times and nothing worked until she had given birth. she has just found out she is expecting again and on the day she was due on she woke up and immediately started violently vomitting, her weight is plummeting and she is only 5 weeks gone and already rushed into hospital, so she is also having a termination this week. she is heartbroken but the hospital just dont help they allow her to get to the point of needing icU care before they treat her. its breaking my heart watching her. it will be many years before she may summon up the courage and strength she will need to get through this hell of a disease

RBL your poor daughter it is such a cruel condition and so misunderstood and misrepresented. I hope she is coping ok.

If it's any help it's been almost a year since my termination (i had a real shock seeing my thread again!) and I'm doing ok. Things will never be thesame and i wish I could go back and not have had the termination (although I know I'd have other health problems and might not even be here so it's not really a realistic wish) but I'm ok and moving on well.

There is a new section here called pregnancy choice where women can seek support before, during and after terminations so please tell your daughter about it if you think she'd like to talk to others who have been through the same thing.

Glad to hear you're doing ok, Tevin . Best wishes to you x

Thanks Lostlove you were such a support to me. I am so much happier now and although I'll always be sad I've had a couple of serious health issues which would have been masked by a pregnancy and it's confirmed that my choice was the right one.

I've had loads of amazing counseling and I'm ok with not having another child but happy that if I decide I want to then it's ok and doesn't make me a selfish person.