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Original poster

Im about to do the most unforgivable thing to my dp... pls talk to me

277 replies

desperatelysad · 03/07/2013 08:33

Im a regular just n/c for this, i found out i was pregnant 2 weeks ago, i spent most of that time crying to myself at how i could be so stupid, dp does know and while it was a shock at first i think hes happy if still not in shock as its happened so soon after our ds.

Weve been together 13 years now and have a 1 year old son together who is wonderful, but i cant get away from the fact that i ahve done most if not all the child caring, its not dp's fault as he works full time at a hard manual labour job so is understandably tired most of the time (he is looking to change his job, but no so easy at the moment), ive been at home for the past 2 years trying to set up my own business working from home, which i havent really done anything to in the last year as ive been looking after my son, i dont have any close family by and i get really jealous of friends who say oh i just dropped the kids of at my mums to have a little sleep - i just dont have that luxury. Ive really struggled the last year on my own if im honest, the night feeds, the whole of the day, everything that goes with a baby ive done it all, dp would come and help occassionally at first but then his shifts changed so he misses most of the time ds is awake. - i dont at all blame dp its just the circumstances were in at the moment and i hope and pray they will change 1 day. Its only really weekends he's home and can help out and play with ds who he loves dearly.

Ds is enrolled in nursery very soon, he goes 2 days a week, i cant describe how deliriouslly happy i am that i will be getting 2 days to myself to do what i want - which will probably be working for myself anyway but still really exciting for me. I have very few friends, i rarely go out, ive been out twice in the past year since having ds. ive put on 3 stone through comfort eating, im just so not happy at the moment, dp does kind of understand but he cant possibly know exactly what im going through. I just feel like at the moment i have no life whatsoever and i feel ive really lost myself (cheesey i know but thats honestly how i feel, i dont know myself anymore).

So heres where i become a total bitch.. I decided myself at the weekend that i didnt want to be a mother of 2 yet, i want to get my life back just a little, i dont want to be on my own again for another year or so doing everything for 2 small children, i know that i wouldnt be able to cope as i struggle as it is. This 2nd baby could not have come at a worst time for us as a family, ds is just starting to sleep through, he goes to bed at 7pm, were just starting to get time together again and i feel its about to be ripped away from me. So i arranged for a termination for friday this week. I know im a total bitch and i dont deserve to have what i do with dp, he would die if he found out, but i just cannot tell him, nor can i have another baby basically on my own. Ive thought about this long and hard for weeks now and i picture myself happy not being pregnant. Ive been so pathetic and stupid getting into this situation and i never imagined my life the way it has turned out but it has, and this is the way i feel i must do it.

I dont even know why ive wrote it here, maybe to stop me panicking so much, i just needed to get it out as i was going crazy thinking things over and over in my head, i have no1 in rl to talk to about this, but if youve made it this far thankyou for listening/reading.

OP posts:
Sparrowlegs248 · 04/07/2013 22:22

There is always a chance OP that you won't feel guilty, won't regret it and it won't destroy your marriage. Not everyone who has a termination is consumed by guilt. Because it was the right decision for them. Some people barely give it a second thought, harsh as it may sound. I do hope though that you speak to a counsellor before your final decision. Well done for speaking up, it must have taken real guts.

Vivacia · 04/07/2013 22:23

I'm also relieved to hear you've both spoken to your husband and are feeling more clear.

Fwiw I would tell (not ask) my partner that I was terminating the pregnancy and explain why. He would support my decision.

(Kilmuir(sp?) I also reported your post).

bumbleymummy · 04/07/2013 22:30

Can we please stop with the 'bundle of cells'. Unless you are willing to class all of us as 'bundles of cells' it really isn't an accurate description of this developmental stage. Lets not try to minimise what is being discussed. If a decision to terminate is being made it needs to be an informed choice not one based on an imaginary perception.

Glenshee · 04/07/2013 22:33

Madbus, AgathaF - the video is not religious propaganda. It's about a woman who made an abortion, when her son was 3, because she felt that she has only started to reclaim her life back and wasn't ready for the second child. She talks about feelings of guilt and shame (which are not at all unusual, however hard the circumstances leading up to the decision are), and how she struggled to move on. Yes, she is religious, but in this story I don't feel it's all that relevant - except to illustrate that you do need loads of support following abortion. She has chosen Christianity to cope with it but, clearly, it's not the choice that would suit everyone. I don't think you could cope on your own though.

Great posts from Horry and Spiritedwolf - I hope they help OP see things more clearly, and separate the pregnancy/abortion decision from other issues which need addressing anyway. Neither continued pregnancy nor abortion will move OP any closer to resolving problems with DP and her well-being.

I really hope that something will change between now and tomorrow that would give OP more time to think and seek appropriate help and support in RL.

5madthings · 04/07/2013 22:36

The op is six weeks pregnant, fgs it is a bundle of cells it MAY just have true start of a heartbeat, it is not a baby, its an embryo at t very early stages of development.

The heart doesn't even have four chambers yet, the 'baby' is the size of a pea and looks like a tiny jelly bean. So yes its still pretty Mich a bundle of cells.

5madthings · 04/07/2013 22:39

Actually other sites say it is the sozeof a lentil, so smaller, either way it is not a baby, it could potentially grow to become one bit that isn't certain by any means.

Vivacia · 04/07/2013 22:41

I really hope that the OP gets the support and advice she needs to make a decision that gives her peace of mind.

MorrisZapp · 04/07/2013 22:44

I had a termination then went home to my flat and read Bridget Jones's Diary and stayed in bed for a bit. I wasn't quite myself, but I wasn't in need of support either. I chatted to friends about it and they probably hugged me when they saw me, I can't remember.

I'm sorry the Christian lady had a difficult time, but research shows that most women do not feel traumatised after terminating a pregnancy.

bumbleymummy · 04/07/2013 22:46

I wasn't calling it a baby but it's not 'a bundle of cells' either.

bumbleymummy · 04/07/2013 22:50

'Most women' does not mean 'all women'. No one here can know how desperatelysad will feel. You can't say 'you'll be fine' without knowing anything about her. Tbh I get the impression that some MNers are a bit too keen to project their own feelings/justifications about their own abortions onto others.

Glenshee · 04/07/2013 22:52

I think if you're contemplating an abortion then you just have to buy into the 'bundle of cells' mentality to cope with it.

To me - it's life we're talking about.

Loulybelle · 04/07/2013 22:53

OP, whether you choose to abort or not is entirely up to you, but i hope your honest with OH about it, because he may not forgive if it comes out, and what your doing to help your family, may not mean much in the future.

Also you really need to see a doctor about your depression, you making this decision while depressed, you may regret it when your more focused and together.

MorrisZapp · 04/07/2013 23:01

No, I can't say she'll be fine. But I can't say anybody having a baby will be fine either.

The OP hasn't asked for help with her decision to terminate btw. She wants help with how to handle her decision whether or not to tell her DP. She has already made her decision about the termination.

GettingStrong · 04/07/2013 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 04/07/2013 23:08

Have you done anything about seeing (a nice) Doctor? I think that should be your first step.

You sound very much like you have PND and I don't think you should be making such a big decision (both with regard to your pregnancy and the result a termination could have on your relationship) until you have started to get that sorted out.

It is your body and it is entirely your right to make this decision. Your DP doesn't sound as though he has been very helpful, which is a shame. Lots of men work long hours but are very hands on when they are home, it sounds like he's taken the easy road and 'left it to you' - which isn't on. Irrespective of what you do re this pregnancy you need to get that sorted straight away - he might be 'tired' but so are you, when he's home he doesn't get to relax while you do all the house/baby stuff - he does his share - end of. That said, this is still a big thing you are considering doing and it may come between you if he is unable to get his head around it - and you can't blame him for that. It is a risk you have to take knowingly.

5madthings · 04/07/2013 23:15

At the moment its a potential life. The one person who is alive is the op. Who is suffering and may suffer greatly if she continues with a pregnancy she doesnt want. I value and respect her and her right to bodily autonomy over that of what is essentialy at this stage a bundle of cells.

I respect a womans right to terminate at any stage as i value her as an autonomous individual who has the right to bodily autonomy.

HorryIsUpduffed · 04/07/2013 23:22

Whatever happens tomorrow, OP, I'll be thinking of you and offering a hand to hold.

twofingerstoGideon · 04/07/2013 23:33

Bumbleymummy do you think you could have a bit of respect for the OP, who has made her decision, whether you like it or not? And you, Glenshee. If you want to have a more generalised debate about the pros and cons of abortion this is not the thread for it - please go and start your own thread - perhaps on 'feminist chat' forum.

Mosman · 04/07/2013 23:53

Thinking of you op, you will be fine x

libertine73 · 05/07/2013 01:29

Yes, I'll be thinking of you too,I sincerely hope you don't get guilt tripped by some of the derailing posts on this thread, this is not Debate about the rights and wrongs of abortion.

A mother who would end up mentally ill if she carried on with an unwanted pregnancy would not a good mother make.

Come back when you can and let us know how you are, plenty of people will be here to support you x

differentnameforthis · 05/07/2013 03:16

It is perfectly possible to love a child yet at the same time feel hugely conflicted because you either did not really want that child, or you really didn't want a child at that point in your life but, for whatever reasons, were unable to exercise your own choice. It is not a good place to be, it is a lonely place to be, and it takes a lot to try to grasp back some control over your own life whilst also caring for said child and hoping that they will not be affected

I am said child. You can see my story on here if you want to read it, but for the sake of the op, I won't derail the thread. It did affect me. I don't talk to my mum, haven't for almost 20yrs. She couldn't hide it. I never felt one moment of love from her.

OP, I support you, because that is all it is up to anyone to do right now. Do what you have to do, I have been there (story again on here), but with the full support of my dh (and no, he didn't really agree with it, but he knew it was my body that would suffer, so gave his full support). No regrets.

Your story brings a tear to my eye, you can't be forced into having the baby, not when it all feels so wrong.

You are NOT pathetic
You are NOT a bitch.

Your reasons ARE valid.

PM me if you want to talk.

Be kind to yourself.

EMUZ · 05/07/2013 03:52

OP be very gentle on yourself if you go through with it. The hormone crash afterwards made me very down, and you sound low in your previous posts
I can't comment on your situation because mine was totally different. Physically the recovery for me was about 2 weeks

Guerrillacrochet · 05/07/2013 04:34

Hi OP just a quick note to let you know I'm thinking about you and hope you're ok

vix206 · 05/07/2013 06:59

Thinking of you today OP

Vivacia · 05/07/2013 07:09

Thinking about you OP, wishing you well (and feeling grrr at the people twisting the thread to their own agenda).