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Original poster

Im about to do the most unforgivable thing to my dp... pls talk to me

277 replies

desperatelysad · 03/07/2013 08:33

Im a regular just n/c for this, i found out i was pregnant 2 weeks ago, i spent most of that time crying to myself at how i could be so stupid, dp does know and while it was a shock at first i think hes happy if still not in shock as its happened so soon after our ds.

Weve been together 13 years now and have a 1 year old son together who is wonderful, but i cant get away from the fact that i ahve done most if not all the child caring, its not dp's fault as he works full time at a hard manual labour job so is understandably tired most of the time (he is looking to change his job, but no so easy at the moment), ive been at home for the past 2 years trying to set up my own business working from home, which i havent really done anything to in the last year as ive been looking after my son, i dont have any close family by and i get really jealous of friends who say oh i just dropped the kids of at my mums to have a little sleep - i just dont have that luxury. Ive really struggled the last year on my own if im honest, the night feeds, the whole of the day, everything that goes with a baby ive done it all, dp would come and help occassionally at first but then his shifts changed so he misses most of the time ds is awake. - i dont at all blame dp its just the circumstances were in at the moment and i hope and pray they will change 1 day. Its only really weekends he's home and can help out and play with ds who he loves dearly.

Ds is enrolled in nursery very soon, he goes 2 days a week, i cant describe how deliriouslly happy i am that i will be getting 2 days to myself to do what i want - which will probably be working for myself anyway but still really exciting for me. I have very few friends, i rarely go out, ive been out twice in the past year since having ds. ive put on 3 stone through comfort eating, im just so not happy at the moment, dp does kind of understand but he cant possibly know exactly what im going through. I just feel like at the moment i have no life whatsoever and i feel ive really lost myself (cheesey i know but thats honestly how i feel, i dont know myself anymore).

So heres where i become a total bitch.. I decided myself at the weekend that i didnt want to be a mother of 2 yet, i want to get my life back just a little, i dont want to be on my own again for another year or so doing everything for 2 small children, i know that i wouldnt be able to cope as i struggle as it is. This 2nd baby could not have come at a worst time for us as a family, ds is just starting to sleep through, he goes to bed at 7pm, were just starting to get time together again and i feel its about to be ripped away from me. So i arranged for a termination for friday this week. I know im a total bitch and i dont deserve to have what i do with dp, he would die if he found out, but i just cannot tell him, nor can i have another baby basically on my own. Ive thought about this long and hard for weeks now and i picture myself happy not being pregnant. Ive been so pathetic and stupid getting into this situation and i never imagined my life the way it has turned out but it has, and this is the way i feel i must do it.

I dont even know why ive wrote it here, maybe to stop me panicking so much, i just needed to get it out as i was going crazy thinking things over and over in my head, i have no1 in rl to talk to about this, but if youve made it this far thankyou for listening/reading.

OP posts:
MadBusLady · 04/07/2013 14:57

(He meaning DP, not your DS!)

HaveIGotPoosForYou · 04/07/2013 15:28

So glad you stop to your DH it's important to keep talking. Are you sure he knows exactly what you means and if so, what did he say about it?

I know it's really difficult but to not tell someone is just wrong. It's his baby too. I know people say it's a bunch of cells and all that (depends how far along you are too, to be honest) and that it is a quick procedure but there is a lot of emotion behind it. The chances are whichever you do, you will be upset with your decision, as is often the case in these situations.

But the father does have a right to know because it's his growing child in there. Just because it's in the mothers body doesn't mean it's only her choice. I wouldn't say a child is only the responsibility of the parent it lives with, neither would I say it's just about the woman in this case. I think that's a very messed up ideal. Of course the partner needs to take the woman's feelings into account and hopefully any partner who truly cares about the welfare of their partner will ultimately support them in their decision, although it is hard.

I hope you talk it through and that he can see that it is an option for you. You can get back from this hopefully and the most important thing is to be honest as otherwise the relationship will be hidden in lies and secrecy and then it's all just an act - another thing you'd have to try and balance.

bumbleymummy · 04/07/2013 15:49

SingingSilver

"It's patronising to assume an adult doesn't know their own mind. She said she wouldn't be able to cope, can't we just respect her decision on that?"

Would you be saying that if she was contemplating suicide?

Also, 'clump of cells' isn't really an accurate description of this stage of development. Although I suppose we could all technically be classed as that.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 04/07/2013 16:59

SingingSilver
It's neither here nor there whether you agree with my opinion or not. Everyone, not just you, is entitled to their opinion, and getting back to simple basics, is why people such as OP come on here asking for advice.

You might come accross as very confident and upfront, but I think you sound very naive and very shallow.

Amrapaali · 04/07/2013 17:05

OP, don't do it. That's all I have to say.

Dededum · 04/07/2013 17:08

Hi

I had an abortion after two boys. I told DH, but it was my decision and he supported it.

I was a 100% sure, I forgave myself before I did it. No doubts on the day, but I still take some time on December 14 to remember the baby I did not have. I knew that if I did it I would not have another baby in the future.

Good luck, and forgive yourself. We just make choices, there is no good or bad choice.

bobbywash · 04/07/2013 17:18

OP well done for telling him how you feel, now if you haven't tell him what you have planned.

That is just as important as explaining your feelings. I can understand his view if you were equally as emotional in Pregnancy 1. The easiest thing is possibly just to sit him down and read him your opening post, that sums up everything in a way anyone could understand.

TeeBee · 04/07/2013 17:34

OP, I respect your decision. If you want support, pm me. I have been where you are now. I got through it and I'm fine.

Dackyduddles · 04/07/2013 17:48

Op ill be here too, if you want to talk. All the best x

Glenshee · 04/07/2013 18:01

I think this story has some similarities to yours, OP -

HorryIsUpduffed · 04/07/2013 18:06

OP it sounds like you are making a sensible decision.

But regardless of whether you are pg this time next week or not, I do think you need to get two kinds of help over the next months/year:

  1. From DP, actively co-parenting. This will become easier for him as DS gets older and therefore more "fun" as well as taking the physical and emotional burden from you. He might get things wrong - but don't we all? If he is a sensible human being he won't put DS in danger; they just might annoy each other or make a mess.
  1. With the thoughts you've described here which posters have suggested are indicative of depression. You say you think things have crept up on you; you can get help to get them to creep away again.

Continuing with this pregnancy or not will actually have very little effect on either of those two "problems", which need attention regardless.

Good luck OP x

Spiritedwolf · 04/07/2013 18:18

Does your DH understand yet that you are having an abortion tomorrow? Telling him must be a hard thing to contemplate doing, especially when he is trying to reassure you that he believes in your ability to cope with more than one right now because he thinks that you plan to continue the pregnancy. You may well find that he is supportive if a little disappointed when you explain what you are going to do, and why.

I think that not telling him until afterwards or pretending that you have miscarried, would be much more damaging to your relationship than the abortion itself. I suspect you are very much decided that you want the abortion, but are worried that if you tell him before that he'll talk you out of it. In this case, could you tell him in the prescence of a supportive 3rd party? (GP, counsellor, friend, relative etc).

You havent commented (as far as I can see) about people's concerns about your mental health/possible pnd. I hope you realise, that for most of us who are pro-choice, it is not your decision to have an abortion that is causing us concern, it is how overwhelmed you sound with motherhood, how much you seem to be having to do alone, including making this decision alone, and how down you seem "they'd be better off without me". Even if/when you have an abortion, it would still be good for you to speak to someone HV/GP etc, about your mood and lack of support. The danger of going ahead with the abortion without doing this first is that you will feel even more justified in feeling bad about yourself because you have lied to your P.

Having an abortion when you aren't ready to have another child - emotionally or practically is not a terrible thing. Abortions aren't the preserve of teenagers or career focused women, many mums just aren't prepared for another baby also have them. Its okay.

But you deserve to make this decision with support - whether from your partner or a professional counsellor. You don't sound like you are in a great place at the moment, and that doesn't mean that abortion isn't the right choice, but putting yourself in a position where you do it secretly, perhaps without telling the service offering it that you are feeling so bad so that they cannot offer you appropriate support, and feeling that you are doing an "unforgiveable" thing to your P... it just has the potential to make you feel so much worse than it has to.

I don't know if you are depressed, but you do sound low, and I know that depression tends to make you think in "all or nothing" terms, and make you feel that you have to do things all by yourself. Its really not a case of you must have a baby you can't cope with or a secret abortion with no support. Please speak to someone about this.

The Samaritans and Marie Stopes are just two sources of support. Your P, GP, HV, family and friends are other potential sources.

If you do go ahead with the abortion secretly - please talk to the clinic about counselling and/or see your GP/HV about possible depression.

And for the eejits on the thread who think that if a woman gets pregnant she couldn't have been using contraception, you do know that even when contraception is used effectively it isn't 100% effective, right? Biscuit

Spiritedwolf · 04/07/2013 18:22

cross posted with Horry who has given very sensible advice x

MadBusLady · 04/07/2013 18:25

I watched Glenshee's link, it's religious guilting propaganda just so you all know.

MorrisZapp · 04/07/2013 18:35

I assumed as much madbus, as soon as I saw the Republican hairstyle. Not in the spirit of support, in my view. Thanks for the warning.

Op, you sound strong. I hope you find the strength to share your decision with your DP. If you don't, you are still in charge of your own actions. I wish you luck, and I hope you're ok.

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 04/07/2013 18:36

Glad you talked about it op. at least there will be no secrets between you.

Of course it is your body, and yes your decision too, but not telling him and trying to pretend you've had a miscarriage now won't be possible because he knows your feelings, so hopefully, even though he will be sad about it, he will support you and look after you.

Sending best wishes Thanks

libertine73 · 04/07/2013 19:18

Please tell him love, I don't think you have, and you will be on your own tomorrow, that worries me, what about your Mum or a friend? Is there no one you can talk to about this? Help you through it?

AgathaF · 04/07/2013 19:49

Glenshee I haven't clicked on your link, I have no time for religious propaganda and particularly not on a thread like this. I cannot believe your insensitivity though. I so hope the OP doesn't click on it.

GetStuffezd · 04/07/2013 20:04

And the links down the side are vile.

ShoeWhore · 04/07/2013 21:25

What spiritedwolf said.

Wishing you lots of wisdom and strength OP to talk to the people you need to talk to, get the help it sounds like you might need and make the right decision for you and your family.

katieks · 04/07/2013 21:58

Sympathy from me! I felt this way when I accidentally fell pregnant with my 2nd when the oldest was 4 months old. Totally overwhelmed. I didn't want another one so soon. I discussed my worries with DH, me in tears almost hysterical because it was ME who did all the hard childcare work and he ended up shouting at me to have an abortion. I'm glad that he was the first one to mention this. I had been thinking of it, but couldn't bring myself to do it or bring it up. The main, and almost only, reason I didn't do it was what if something went wrong and I couldn't have children in the future.

It wasn't the best way to discuss things but perhaps if you discuss it with him and he knew how much distress this was causing you he'd be the one to suggest termination in the interests of your wellbeing? That way it would be a shared decision.

flipchart · 04/07/2013 22:00

Are you still going ahead tomorrow?
Whatever happens I wish you and your DP well
X

kilmuir · 04/07/2013 22:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

MorrisZapp · 04/07/2013 22:07

I've reported kilmuirs post

5madthings · 04/07/2013 22:15

Op well done in talking to your dh, I really hope he supports you in making the choice that is right for you. It is your body and your choice xxx
And its not a baby, its a bundle of cells. It has the potential to become a baby, but its up to the op to choose, she doesn't need emotional crap from random on the internet fgs.

This is your choice op, I hope you are OK xx