Im about to do the most unforgivable thing to my dp... pls talk to me

[desperatelysad]

Im a regular just n/c for this, i found out i was pregnant 2 weeks ago, i spent most of that time crying to myself at how i could be so stupid, dp does know and while it was a shock at first i think hes happy if still not in shock as its happened so soon after our ds.

Weve been together 13 years now and have a 1 year old son together who is wonderful, but i cant get away from the fact that i ahve done most if not all the child caring, its not dp's fault as he works full time at a hard manual labour job so is understandably tired most of the time (he is looking to change his job, but no so easy at the moment), ive been at home for the past 2 years trying to set up my own business working from home, which i havent really done anything to in the last year as ive been looking after my son, i dont have any close family by and i get really jealous of friends who say oh i just dropped the kids of at my mums to have a little sleep - i just dont have that luxury. Ive really struggled the last year on my own if im honest, the night feeds, the whole of the day, everything that goes with a baby ive done it all, dp would come and help occassionally at first but then his shifts changed so he misses most of the time ds is awake. - i dont at all blame dp its just the circumstances were in at the moment and i hope and pray they will change 1 day. Its only really weekends he's home and can help out and play with ds who he loves dearly.

Ds is enrolled in nursery very soon, he goes 2 days a week, i cant describe how deliriouslly happy i am that i will be getting 2 days to myself to do what i want - which will probably be working for myself anyway but still really exciting for me. I have very few friends, i rarely go out, ive been out twice in the past year since having ds. ive put on 3 stone through comfort eating, im just so not happy at the moment, dp does kind of understand but he cant possibly know exactly what im going through. I just feel like at the moment i have no life whatsoever and i feel ive really lost myself (cheesey i know but thats honestly how i feel, i dont know myself anymore).

So heres where i become a total bitch.. I decided myself at the weekend that i didnt want to be a mother of 2 yet, i want to get my life back just a little, i dont want to be on my own again for another year or so doing everything for 2 small children, i know that i wouldnt be able to cope as i struggle as it is. This 2nd baby could not have come at a worst time for us as a family, ds is just starting to sleep through, he goes to bed at 7pm, were just starting to get time together again and i feel its about to be ripped away from me. So i arranged for a termination for friday this week. I know im a total bitch and i dont deserve to have what i do with dp, he would die if he found out, but i just cannot tell him, nor can i have another baby basically on my own. Ive thought about this long and hard for weeks now and i picture myself happy not being pregnant. Ive been so pathetic and stupid getting into this situation and i never imagined my life the way it has turned out but it has, and this is the way i feel i must do it.

I dont even know why ive wrote it here, maybe to stop me panicking so much, i just needed to get it out as i was going crazy thinking things over and over in my head, i have no1 in rl to talk to about this, but if youve made it this far thankyou for listening/reading.

OP I hope you're okay. Update us if you feel able. Lots of hands to hold.

I'm so sorry your family went through that Rachel but, with all respect, it looks like you have toxic parents. What happened may have been awful for the marriage but the fallout doesn't match with a healthy response iyswim. I appreciate that something like this can be very hard for a couple to absorb but the fallout you describe really is not in proportion. I'm sorry you've had the blame put squarely on your shoulders. Awful. You were a baby fgs

sorry you're feeling like this. I don't think you're a bitch to be terminating your baby. You need to do what is right for your family.

But you state that your DP knows you are pregnant so you are going to have to tell him at some point. I would tell him before the termination and discuss with him how you are feeling this is a huge secret to keep. you have 9 months until the baby is born to have with your partner and 'have a life' as you say. I know many people who have made all their friends through baby/toddler groups so it may help with your loneliness and you may get a life in the way you least expected it, through your children. Plus, perhaps during your pregnancy your DP might find a job and then have more time for you and the family.

Raspberry - sorry!

Such permanent solution for temporary problems

Please, please seek help and support before you make such an important decision. Doing this alone is just crazy - how do you know your judgement isn't clouded by your tiredness, despair, and (potentially) depression? Will you be able to live with yourself afterwards, if you realise later that the decision was wrong?..

OP, I'll second others in saying that a termination does sound like the right thing to do, but to make the decision when you have conflicted emotions is making it even harder on yourself. You are not a bitch! (Am I a bitch for having had an abortion? No. It was under difficult circumstances, but that isn't the point.)

I'd really recommend seeing a counsellor to talk through your feelings. I speak from experience, and if I had got the counselling when I was in your position it would have saved me years for conflicted emotion and sorting it out later! I needed to realise it was a choice, and it was ok to make that choice, for myself and the situation I was in at that time. I needed to understand what it meant to 'be gentle on myself' and what the consequences were of being hard on myself. It really is good to talk - I should have talked to someone. Well done for posting on here!

I hope you can find peace in your decision, whatever it is, and find some ways to make your life happier and healthier.

OP- we have gone for a childminder as they are cheaper- £4 ph. You say you can only afford two days nursery fees for DS, perhaps a childminder you could afford more? Then you would have more time to yourself or with your new DC.

I know what you mean about getting DH to help out. My DH is quite good at helping out but really relies on me to get everything sorted so he just has to feed him or take him out. I am about to go away for a weekend (for the first time since DS who is 6 months old was born) and he wanted me to de-frost all the food before hand, have it all cut up and made and have all the bags packed for DS! I said I would have it all available and clean in the house but not de-frosted or packed and that he needs to use his own initiative. I often end up doing things because I know what works and worry that he won't do it properly. But I have begun to let go of this control and let him do it even if it's not the 'right' way or not the way I would do it.

I think you need to slowly start doing the same. Make it clear to him if he wants the DC you will need his help. Slowly start getting him to do things for your DS (I started getting hubby to do the night routine so eventually I could go out, then the morning feed before work, now sterilising bottles and sorting out the night/morning feeds) Then he had DS for a couple of hours when I went out, then half and day and now a weekend. If you are going to keep the baby start doing this gradually over time so he is able to help out and for yourself you can let go and go and get a life.

I would also encourage DP to get a job and perhaps make this something you really want to happen if you have DC. Easier said than done though.

Glenshee I think 'such a permanent solution for temporary problems' is a fitting line for suicide, but not abortion. She can have another baby, or adopt, whatever, in the future.

If she's depressed and not ready to have another child it's very unfair to try and put a guilt trip on her. It sounds like she ay find it hard to live with herself if she goes trough with the pregnancy and that is the only issue right now. Saying that it's best to make herself miserable now, in case the decision to abort might make her miserable in future is very silly. We have a real problem which OP is very responsibly sorting out, and your imagined future problem. Do we really need to discuss which is the important one?

I thought that if you were conflicted about a termination, staff insist on (in-house) counselling? YOu say you have an appointmtnet on Friday, which suggests staff don't have concerns about you - have you been honest with them? Sorry for q's. HOpe you're ok today xxx

You alright OP?

Glenshee - Those were very wise words indeed.

OP, I don't think any of us can tell you what the right thing for you to do is, for or against. That's not our role. We are not you. Anything we say will be too coloured by our own feelings and, in many cases, experiences.

It's true that the decision is fundamentally yours. But I agree that you cannot keep this from your dp. Really you can't. You need to sit him down and spell out to him that you are worried about coping, and losing your self you were just getting back, to the point where you are seriously considering termination. That if he wants you to go forward with this pregnancy he needs to shoulder his part of the domestic load, and make it possible for you to do a little work for yourself somehow. Perhaps you need to take him with you to a counselling appt at one of the family planning services so you can say all this in front of a third party.

I'm a bit shocked by how many people are coming on and saying 'abortion sounds like the right choice'. I really don't think anyone is in a position to make that judgement except desperatelysad herself. If anyone tried to say it was 'the wrong choice' they would be jumped on immediately!

Sorry KeepCool I don't asgree. The OP wasn't asking for advice on whether she should terminate or not, the termination is booked! It's patronising to assume an adult doesn't know their own mind. She said she wouldn't be able to cope, can't we just respect her decision on that?

It's only my opinion, of course, but I feel that having a child against your better judgement and then spending many years regretting it, is potentially far more devastating than regretting the abortion of a clump of cells, which is what it is at this stage.

*agree

I really don't think anyone is in a position to make that judgement except desperatelysad herself.

That is a good point bumbleymummy

Thankyou for your replies, i am reading them all even though not posting much. I tried to talk to dp last night about how i felt, he still sees me as in a state of shock which i can understand as when i found out i was pregnant with ds i spent the first 3-4 months crying and worrying, and so he probably sees the way i am now with him and know exactly what he needs, when he needs things, what hes crying for etc. Except he cant understand that this time there will be 2 of them and the fact of the matter is i am certainly not ready for that just yet. We discussed it for a while and i mentioned that we hadnt even spoken about trying for another baby and that this was just a major accident that didnt need to drag us down, we could still do it the way we wanted to in a few more years if we wanted. I didnt actually come out with the words but i think he has a more educatated grasp of how im losing myself and not really managing my new found stay at home status.

If this hadnt of happened we probably wouldnt have tried for another baby for at least another 2-3 years once we were both a bit more settled, i had a job/money he had a better job so he could be home more. I see this as a clump of cells at the moment, i dont see it as a baby, apart from the tiredness i dont have any emotional attachment to it just now. If i went through with this i cannot see any way that i wouldnt be left struggling with 2 rather than 1 baby right now. Its just so not the right time for us to have another now.

I do feel more confident in my decision today than yesterday, I can see a way out (horrible term of phrase, but couldnt think of anything more fitting) I may be completely selfish in putting myself and my own mind first, but so be it. I can live with being selfish and caring for the family i have right now, choosing when to have another baby in the future when im mentally ready and prepared, rather than having something sprung on me with no choice, regretting it and struggling even more. I do appreciate all your messages though, thankyou.

well done for talking to your DP
does he support your decision, given your explanation?

You're not being selfish, you're trying to do your very best for your family and yourself. You have to look after yourself in order to care for the child you already have.

Well done OP, what did your dp say?

(& hopefully he saw that he could be doing more as well, with routines & actually being at home.)

I don't think you're selfish, not one bit. I think you're in charge of your own fertility & you have the intelligence to make a rational decision, which I applaud.

So sorry to hear what an agonizing decision you are oing through. Ou are not a bitch or a bad mum, please see a GP to give you guidelines how to cope and deal with depression, I really think you are depressed judging by your posts. It's good you have spoken to your dp, let him into your thoughts. An abortion is not an easy decision for anybody but going it in secret and alone is horrile and will take a toll on you, even before you consider your dps feelings. Wishing you a lot of strength for tommorow. I have been where you are and now have lovely dc. Take care of yourself. X

Glad you had a chat with him but did you actually tell him what you plan to do? Did he accept it?

You are not being selfish. You have to put your own mental health first, otherwise it affects you all including your DS. I'm sorry he is not listening to you.