Im about to do the most unforgivable thing to my dp... pls talk to me

[desperatelysad]

Im a regular just n/c for this, i found out i was pregnant 2 weeks ago, i spent most of that time crying to myself at how i could be so stupid, dp does know and while it was a shock at first i think hes happy if still not in shock as its happened so soon after our ds.

Weve been together 13 years now and have a 1 year old son together who is wonderful, but i cant get away from the fact that i ahve done most if not all the child caring, its not dp's fault as he works full time at a hard manual labour job so is understandably tired most of the time (he is looking to change his job, but no so easy at the moment), ive been at home for the past 2 years trying to set up my own business working from home, which i havent really done anything to in the last year as ive been looking after my son, i dont have any close family by and i get really jealous of friends who say oh i just dropped the kids of at my mums to have a little sleep - i just dont have that luxury. Ive really struggled the last year on my own if im honest, the night feeds, the whole of the day, everything that goes with a baby ive done it all, dp would come and help occassionally at first but then his shifts changed so he misses most of the time ds is awake. - i dont at all blame dp its just the circumstances were in at the moment and i hope and pray they will change 1 day. Its only really weekends he's home and can help out and play with ds who he loves dearly.

Ds is enrolled in nursery very soon, he goes 2 days a week, i cant describe how deliriouslly happy i am that i will be getting 2 days to myself to do what i want - which will probably be working for myself anyway but still really exciting for me. I have very few friends, i rarely go out, ive been out twice in the past year since having ds. ive put on 3 stone through comfort eating, im just so not happy at the moment, dp does kind of understand but he cant possibly know exactly what im going through. I just feel like at the moment i have no life whatsoever and i feel ive really lost myself (cheesey i know but thats honestly how i feel, i dont know myself anymore).

So heres where i become a total bitch.. I decided myself at the weekend that i didnt want to be a mother of 2 yet, i want to get my life back just a little, i dont want to be on my own again for another year or so doing everything for 2 small children, i know that i wouldnt be able to cope as i struggle as it is. This 2nd baby could not have come at a worst time for us as a family, ds is just starting to sleep through, he goes to bed at 7pm, were just starting to get time together again and i feel its about to be ripped away from me. So i arranged for a termination for friday this week. I know im a total bitch and i dont deserve to have what i do with dp, he would die if he found out, but i just cannot tell him, nor can i have another baby basically on my own. Ive thought about this long and hard for weeks now and i picture myself happy not being pregnant. Ive been so pathetic and stupid getting into this situation and i never imagined my life the way it has turned out but it has, and this is the way i feel i must do it.

I dont even know why ive wrote it here, maybe to stop me panicking so much, i just needed to get it out as i was going crazy thinking things over and over in my head, i have no1 in rl to talk to about this, but if youve made it this far thankyou for listening/reading.

Hope it goes well today.

5madtgings - it depends on what you define 'life' as really. If you believe in abortion until term though then it really doesn't matter if it's a 'bundle of cells' anyway.

In any case, I haven't said anything about whether or not she should have the abortion (unlike the shocking 'you're doing the right thing' posters!) As I said before, only the OP is in the position to know that.

I do think she needs to speak to someone about the possibility of depression before she makes any final decisions/takes action though. I've been there and I know how overwhelming things can seem when you feel that way. I made some ill-judged decisions back then because I just felt I couldn't cope and I do regret them now. At least they were fairly trivial/minor things. I just couldn't get things straight in my head. It was scary. I also think she needs to talk properly with her husband about this. She is going to need support regardless of her decision and trying to hide this is not going to make for a healthy relationship.

Thinking of you, too, OP.

Thanks for all the messages, i really do appreciate the support, unfortunatly i couldnt dare tell my mum or any friends in rl, id be scared they just abandon me when i really dont need it right now so id prefer to keep it that way.

And for what its worth i really dont think ill feel too down about it after its happened, i appreciate all the caring advice and i may be completely wrong and something else happens but all im feeling when i think about it is a complete relief. Surely thats the right way to be thinking rather than what if..... If i was going back and forth in doing the right thing then id be really worried but im not. I can see more clearly than i have in weeks, this is so the right decision for me right now. It was never a question of whether to have one or not, it was more a just need to get everything out of my head out a bit so i could think straight.

I do appreciate all the advice though, the last time i saw a dr was at my 6 wk checkup, she asked how i was feeling, at the time i said i wasnt actually doing ok, was tired and emotionally drained, he laughed and asked what did i expect with a newborn. This was the same dr who when i had gone in overjoyed to tell him i was pregnant with my 1st child he asked me seriously - well i assume you will be keeping it then . Ive never been back since, i do need to find a new dr. The hv also came out in the 2nd month, she asked me to do a questionnaire, did i feel lonely, did i think i was coping. At the time i filled it in honestly. I wasnt really good back then (believe it or not ive actually got better). She took it away and ive not heard off her since. so in the mean time ive muddled through wit the little help ive had and when dp comes home i go to the gym which i find more helpful that a box of antidepressants. But that is really the only time i get to myself. I know dp will help out more when hes a bit older and able to do more stuff, its not that he doesnt try and help, he just never knows how so i end up showing him then leaving him to it then the next time hes forgotten so i have to show him again. If its not that he tries to do something that leaves ds screaming and crying, take last night for example, ds goes to bed at 7, he knows this, the only time he will wake up through the night is if he wants his dummy or hes kicked the blanket off, i usually go in throw the blanket back over or put in his dummy, hes back asleep within a minute or 2.

Dp goes in to do it, gets really anal about the blanket not being tucked in right, spends an age putting ds straight then tucking him in tightly he wakes him up in the process, puts in a dummy and walks out which leaves ds screeching for what seemed like forever. He then gets back into bed next to me and lies there wide awake saying i dont know whats the matter with him - well err you just woke him up by prodding him and poking him with a blanket when he was perfectly happy lying across from side to side. So what should of been a 30 second thing turned into 45 minutes of trying to settle ds back but i made him do it which is why it took so long. sorry im rambling, but i do hope that 1 day he will just be able to mind him on his own without me having to remind him he needs to eat or whatever. Dp does very much need to grown up a lot in that respect and be a dad rather than act the same age as ds!

bloody hell Bumbly give it up will you? This is not the place to discuss opinions on abortion!

Yes I think the OP should get some additional support, but actually more because of her comments about her family being better off without her, and her feelings of being unable to cope, comfort eating etc.
There is a possibility that she could regret an abortion but equally may regret not going through an abortion and ending up having an unwanted child. There are posters her saying what that feels like and it sounds shit to me, for everyone involved.
OP I hope you can continue to use this thread for support, whatever you decide.

So glad you came back op. You sound confident and as calm as could be expected given the difficult circumstances. I'll be thinking of you today, same as this lot^. Be kind to yourself xx

Why don't you write down instructions for your DP, do it like a timetable. Might help.

Morning OP, X-post with you. Also had a crap night with DD so am a bit zzzzzzzzz this morning!
You sound calmer though, which is great. Does your DP know what's happening today? Did your last discussion with him get that deep?
Anyway, everyone is here for you.

You sound clear that you are doing the right thing for you and your circumstances, I hope all goes smoothly.

Does your dh know? This is your choice but I do think it will be a horrible secret to carry.

Whatever happens I hope you are OK and I hope your dh bucks his ideas up and starts to be more supportive.

bubble Now isn't the place to get into an pro-choice debate. This is true ops choice, not yours if you are pro life/pro-forced birth then that is your choice but other women feel differently and it has to be an individuals choice.

Pfft, well I'm a cynical old mare but I think it sounds a lot like deliberate helplessness on his part so that you'll do it. Presumably your DP can dress himself, make a cup of tea, remember when to have lunch, other elementary things. There's no real reason why he can't understand and memorise new tasks - and if he's been like this for two years I wouldn't hold out any hope of him spontaneously getting better at it, I think he'll just find new ways to flap helplessly. He can't even mind his own son on his own??

But that's a battle for another day, I guess. Good luck today, OP, you do sound very clear that it's the right thing for you. And I'm sorry your mental health support has been so rubbish, your questionnaire should certainly have put up glaring great flags!

You have a manchild there for a partner. I hope he grows up quickly.

To help him on his way, is it possible for you to go out for a few hours on a weekend regularly so that he has to get on with it? He might do it differently to you, but he would have to do it and learn on the job.

Does he understand that his fussiness over getting blankets/child/dummy straight etc is leading to him being awake for longer? Have you explained that in the cold light of day, as it were?

You sound clearer and happier with your decision today. That's good.

Holding your hand for today op

I am not discussing my opinion on abortion guerrilla. Give over!

Glad you're sure about your decision OP.

Not so glad you have decided to not tell your partner your intentions, and you don't mention that in your last post. I really think that would be a big mistake, but it's your choice.

Good luck for today love

5madthings & Guerrilla
Suggest you read bumbleyummy's post again properly. I don't think you are getting where she is coming from whatsoever.

Same to 5madthings. 'Pro-forced birth' don't be ridiculous. I haven't said that the OP shouldn't have an abortion but nor have I said that she should have one which tbh I think is just as bad but you seem to find perfectly acceptable.

desperatelysad - your doctor sounds appalling! Definitely get a new one ASAP. I'm also surprised that the HV didn't get back to you. They're almost over cautious where I am about picking up on signs of PND. You definitely would have raised flags.

I'm still concerned about you making this decision in the frame of mind that you seem to be in but I do remember that feeling of trying to take control of something. You still haven't made it clear whether your husband knows it not. Please tell him. Even if you don't regret the abortion itself you may regret that and it could have long term consequences for your relationship like an earlier poster mentioned. For some reason that person's experience was brushed aside while other people's experiences are being taken as gospel.

Thank you keepcool.

Bumbleymummy, in your post at 10.30 yesterday you sound as though you don't approve of OPs choice at all, you tell us not to minimise what is being discussed.

Bumbley, the OP has already made her decision. So it's perfectly fair to say that it sounds like the right decision. She has not asked us to say if her decision is right or not, as she is past that stage.

Nope, I think I have read it properly, but thanks for the suggestion.

good luck today. Thinking of you xx

Good morning OP. I'm glad you feel confident in your decision, whatever any of the strangers on this thread may think about the rights and wrongs. I'm glad you're feeling less desperate despite your bad night.

Ask to see your hv again and do the questionnaire again. Say you've been having bad thoughts or feeling very down and you want to know if it's the beginnings of something more serious than just having a bad patch. Six weeks post-natal is a very long time ago now, and for what it's worth I'm appalled by your GP's attitude.

So, Bumbley, if that's the case and you're not here to just post your usual anti-abortion drivel, how about offering the OP some support? Given that she's made her mind up, your postings about 'not just a bundle of cells...' are pushing a particular agenda. At least have the honesty to admit that and move away from this thread, where support is being offered to someone who is in a difficult position.

OP, I hope you are okay and getting the help you need.

Morris, saying that you think describing a foetus as 'a bundle of cells' is not an accurate description and is minimising is not the same as disagreeing with someone's decision. We aren't talking about getting a wart removed here.

I also disagree that saying 'it's the right decision' is ok because what if the OP starts to wobble and then thinks 'All those MNers said I was doing the right thing so it must be right' . In any case, most people are disagreeing with her decision not to tell her husband about it, just as I am.

Two fingers - I have not pushed any 'anti abortion' agenda on this thread at all and I have given the OP support. Quite frankly I'm shocked that so many women think it's ok to make this decision while thinking that she may be suffering from depression and recommending that she sees her GP/HV. It's baffling!