Fetal reduction - twins to singleton

[mostlyhappy2010]

Hello,
I know that this may seem offensive to some, and I apologise in advance for this: I am desperate for some advice: I am 7 weeks pregnant with twins (non-identical). After 2 weeks on an emotional rollercoaster, I have decided that I cannot cope with twins due to health, emotional, practical, financial reasons. I am considering fetal reduction.
There seems to be very little information about fetal reduction from twins to a singleton. The doctors seem to default to termination of both. Has anyone got experience with fetal reduction in the UK? Where do I go for more information, either NHS or private?
Any information would be very useful. Thanks a million!

(Please do not post judgement: it has been a difficult decision, and it still is a difficult time).

Lots of people are shocked when they find out they're pregnant with twins, and that's understandable. In fact I know people who have fallen pg with twins through IVF and even they are shocked and scared. In fact lots of people are shocked when they find out they're pregnant with one (if pregnancy is unplanned).

I think everyone can sympathise with the emotions someone must go through when they find out they're having more than one - that is not the issue here. The issue is finding out that you're having two and then rationalising that two wasn't what you wanted so you'll have one taken away and settle for just the one.

This by no means compares to higher rates of multiples i.e. triplets or more where there are very real risks to the babies both during and after the pregnancy. Twins are common - even more so since the advent of IVF and other fertility treatments. If the risks of twins was so high then IVF clinics wouldn't routinely replace two embrios during an IVF cycle.

Deemented - to make a decision like this and assume that the child will never know is just not on. You can't possibly know that they will never find out - even assuming that you feel you have the right to withold that information - which I wouldn't tbh. Secrets destroy families and secrets get out.

Ive come from 'the other thread' read OP and not all of subsequent posts she asks ofr advice on where to find information ot a for/against debate, whilst higly emotive I cant see where this advice has been addressed.

FWIW as I explained on other thread I have lost a twin and still TTC DC2 so not being unexperienced/judgemental here.

I lost DS's twin and at the time I'll be honest I was relieved I didn't know how I would have coped with 2 babies. I called the twin helpline for advice about terminating both because I think that's what would have happened had I not miscarried one bur for me it would gad to be all or nothing. The twin helpline told me it is very very common fir people to at least consider terminations of twins for all sorts of reasons so please don't think you are unusual OP or a monster.

Best of luck, hope it works out for you x

I do think lots of people have terminations that their other children never find out about. However that would depend on the individual, for the surviving twin to find out would be devastating.

wannaBe "The issue is finding out that you're having two and then rationalising that two wasn't what you wanted so you'll have one taken away and settle for just the one. "

This isn't totally different from having sex and then rationalizing that you don't want another child if you get pregnant. Many abortions are to mothers who do not think they can cope with another child in their family. This mother is looking at her family and coming to the conclusion it will be put under too great a strain by two more children.

My other children know their brother should have had a twin and ds2 has had problems from being left on his own. At the moment he is only young so we haven't told him but if he continues to have issues we will have to tell him and it will be the hardest conversation I will ever have.

OP - please think very very carefully and then think some more. Your decision to terminate won't only effect you and your husband but your remaining baby too.

Dee - firstly you need to be sure that no matter what happens between parent and child the parent will never tell them. I don't see how you can know that - if either parent feels guilty about this event then that will eat at them because that is what guilt does. In those highly charged circumstances you can't be sure what will or won't be said.
Then there is the op's medical records - confidential now but in the future who knows what may happen with that. THere may be circumstances where the records are shared perhaps with a grown up child, perhaps after the op's death. You cannot be sure that something won't be revealed over the next 70-80 years, you just can't be sure. Granted it's unlikely but by no means impossible.

non identical means not sharing a placenta doesn't it? Other posters have said that their twins were 'diagnosed' pre 7 weeks so I guess you can see what each pregnancy is 'backed up' with as well?

I lost dds twin at 11 weeks so not very late on and yet she still has odd behaviours that make me think she knows. Shes acts like something is missing and often complains of loneliness and makes up imaginary friends. May be coincidence I know but watchign her I don't feel it is.

Northern, for a parent to seek absolution by telling the surviving twin would be to place a terrible burden on that child. you can't know it would never happen, but that would be something the OP would need to consider making the decision.

I don't understand how what the op is considering is so much worse, morally, than singleton abortion (she has a wanted pregnancy and an unwanted one at the same time) or people who after an ivf cycle destroy the unwanted embryos which are "twins" of any children they do have. I understand for anyone who has faced the devastation of losing a wanted twin that this is a terribly emotive subject, but in the op's circumstances, they are not both wanted. I may hope that she chooses to keep both and everything works out for them, but it is for her to make a decision appropriate to her circumstances.

Shineon - You can normally tell through an ultrasound whether they have separate sacs and placentas by that stage. While that doesn't guarantee they aren't identical it is a good indicator and, more pertinently in this case, is what is necessary for a reduction to be possible.

Op - just wondered if you had considered what you will tell the child that you will go on to have?

Just imagine being that child...

Or, if you've considered it and decided it would be kept secret, could you really live with that for the rest of your life?

Not sure I could cope with looking at that baby everyday and wondering what if...

bronze - a cranial osteopath could help you daughter with her difficulties.

EldonAve - I contacted MNHQ about the question if she is a journo and they said there are no signs to say they are.

Agree with chocoholic that were this a standard termination op would not get this 'emotional battering'

"This isn't totally different from having sex and then rationalizing that you don't want another child if you get pregnant. Many abortions are to mothers
who do not think they can cope with another child in their family." If you mean it's no different to women who use abortion as contraception then you'd be right, and I would judge that as well. But it is nothing like falling pregnant as a result of contraceptive failure.

If the op was terminating for any other lifestyle reason e.g. if she'd wanted a boy rather than a girl or vice versa and really didn't fee that say, a boy was right for her family, would people think that this was ok?

She chose to get pregnant. When you knowingly get pregnant you do so knowing there's always a chance that you could have more than one. Nobody would condone someone saying before getting pregnant that "ah well, if it's twins I can always get rid of one," so why should she expect sympathy/support now that the twins are a reality?

Comparing this to an unwanted pregnancy is just ridiculous. The op wanted to be pregnant, you can't choose what kind of pregnancy you have - it just doesn't work like that.

I'm not a twin mummy but I am/was a twin. I never know which to say because I lost my twin at birth. My parents didn't tell me until I asked my mother about her gynaecological history but somehow I always knew.

OP please do think about the impact on the surviving twin. I can't conclusively prove that there is one but I, like some other posters, do think there is. If at some point the surviving twin finds out, which they probably will, then it may be very difficult. I often used to think of the 'what ifs' about having a twin or if she had survived and I hadn't or if somehow it was my fault she didn't.

If you choose reduction it won't make them disappear and you need to be okay with that.