My mum is dying

[Cbd333]

I'm 6 weeks pregnant and yesterday we found out that my mum (who we live with) has relapsed with Acute Myeloid Leukaemia. There is now no cure and she probably has weeks - a few months left.

I don't know how I'm going to cope without her. Mum is my world and the thought she won't get to meet this baby or see them and my daughter grow up is crippling me. There isn't an adjective that's strong enough to describe how I'm feeling.

My mum has fought so bravely for 9 months and we thought she had a chance as she has a stem cell transplant. Because of covid she has faced months in hospital in isolation. She is the best woman ever and she is so undeserving of this.

I don't know why I'm writing this I just feel grief-stricken and I don't know how to go on.

I'm sorry, just so sad.

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP
The grief feels insurmountable and too much right now but it will, in time, get easier to manage. Sending you as much love as a stranger on the internet can x

@Cbd333 I am so sorry for your loss.
I am glad that you got to see her.

I lost my mum to covid last week. It was very sudden deterioration out of hospital (and abroad). I'm 27 weeks on her first grandbaby that she was so excited about.
I won't pretend to know what you are going through but wanted to say you are not alone and I, and others on mumsnet are here to support, advise or distract if that's what you need.
There is no loss like your mum. The pain is indescribable. I can't look at baby stuff without crying. Talk as you need to, cry when you need to. There is no right way to grieve - if you end up seeing a friend and laughing then that is OK. Do what you need right now to get you through.
Try to eat and sleep as best you can. Don't set yourself rules, just get by day to day x

I am so sorry for your loss OP, so very glad you were able to say goodbye. That will be of great comfort to you.

I'm so sorry to read this thread and your update. It will be really tough over the next few weeks and months. But try to be kind to yourself. There isn't another side to come through but you do learn live around the grief and to live with it. Happy and sad will one day coexist again.
Take care x

Thank you all for your kind words - they really are of comfort. I am sitting up in bed as the house is just so full of her it's too difficult to cope with tonight. This is all so big I don't know if I'm brave enough to cope.

@Cbd333 you don't need to be brave, or strong. Don't pressure yourself to look composed or not to cry. No one expects that of you - don't set rules for yourself.

Sadly, everything is mum. Boiling the kettle Xmas day while cooking reminded me of mum. Shaving my legs in the shower reminded me of mum. Our minds will do this. It feels like torture but it must happen as our brains make sense of it.

In the first few days I survived with distractions. Quiet meant thinking whick meant crying. It's tiring and you need to allow yourself a break. I have spent a lot of time on MN this week (it's easy to avoid sore topics and a fair bit of it is inconsequential). Ive had mindless telly on, fell asleep to Netflix to avoid quiet.

Take a walk when you can. Grab a friend. Mental health is important (if Cummings prick can drive all over then you can get out of the house for a bit). Keep communicating. If something /someone isn't helping then please speak out.

I'm so sorry OP.
I lost my mum too young to cancer this year too.

The most comforting/ inspiring thing anyone has said to me is that her family are her legacy. She lives on in us because she raised us and she did a good job.

I know she was so proud of her children and grandchildren and she inspires me as a parent. Even if she's not physically going to be here to see my DC grow up (and that kills me because she so deserved to) she is still going to have an influence on them because she gave us her values and her love.

Your baby will know your mum through you.

I too am very sorry to hear of your loss @Cbd333. You don't need to be brave, lovely. Just be. I hope that you can take a little comfort in having been able to see your mum - what you said to her was just beautiful, and so selfless of you too. You looked after and loved her, just as she had looked after and loved you, and you will do the same to your lovely girls, because that is one of your mum's gift to you - to know how to love, and how to care.

When I lost my mum, the words which comforted me most were about the real value of "a life well lived." My mum didn't have much money, and didn't do anything extraordinary, but she lived life well, with lots of love for those around her. I think she would have got on well with your mum.

Be gentle with yourself. Complan is good if you don't feel up to eating, and mindless telly fills some of the spaces. When you are ready you might want to take time to choose some lovely photos for your girls, or to find her favourite music - but it's ok not to do things too. Take care x

I’m so sorry for your loss @Cbd333 your mum sounds amazing, you must be so proud of the woman she was, and the inspiration she will be to you as a mother to your own children.

@Cbd333 I'm so sorry for your loss. I promise you will get through this.

I lost my mum when my first DC was a newborn and it was awful, even without the added heartbreak of covid restrictions. But I absolutely promise you that there are brighter days ahead

I’m so sorry for your loss (and others here). I lost mine a few weeks after giving birth.

I hope you have some lovely people around you.

I wrote a poem for her. When did I become the sort of person who writes poems!

Why do the birds insist on singing
as though they don’t know she’s gone.
The cars on the road can have no destination
There is no purpose now for the sun.

The front pages don’t carry her face,
They must be saving her for tomorrow
They’ll write about her bravery, her strength,
so the world can share my sorrow.

When my phone sounds it won’t be her,
We won’t talk countless times a day
I won’t smell her scent, won’t share her life,
Oh grief, please sweep me away.

I am not brave enough you see,
They think I am but they’re wrong.
That resolve came from you dear mum,
My strength was yours all along.

So sorry - my thoughts are with you. Dont forget your mum is inside you and your children so will be with you always 💐💐

Hi Op, just seen your thread. I am truly sorry for your loss. The pain you are experiencing right now is immeasurable.

I lost my dad to cancer when I was 6 weeks pregnant. We told him on the Tuesday night and a week later he had died. I won't lie - it was awful.

This was six years ago. Whilst I still miss my dad madly and I cry for them not meeting, I do talk to my son a lot about grandpa - how much grandpa would love and adore him, things we did together, what he liked etc. I think sometimes my son feels he knew my dad as his memory is still very much alive.

I am here if you want to talk.

I'm so sorry OP. My mum and dad both died 3 years ago when I was pregnant with my daughter. It was absolutely heartbreaking, and I'm so sorry you're going through this too. Feel free to inbox if you need to talk. Sending love x

That poem is so so beautiful , i read it with tears in my eyes she knew how much you loved her xx

So sorry to hear this. Look after yourself.

Beautiful poem x

So sorry for your loss @Cbd333
I was also pregnant when I suffered a bereavement. Take Care of yourself.

In tears for you. So sorry op

@Cbd333 that is the most beautiful poem. My heart aches for you, I too am so close to my mum so I can imagine you are in so much pain right now. Sending lots of love, take one day at a time xxx

So sorry to read this! Give yourself time, don't try to be brave, just grieve however you can. Your mum will always be with you in memories and in your heart.

Beautiful poem. Lots of love to you and family in this awful, difficult time ❤️

Thank you so much everyone, I can't tell
You how much of a comfort I am finding your kindness.

Today I have moved all the medicine and oxygen tanks from hers and dad's bedroom. I wanted to make it 'normal'. I spoke to some of mum's friends and we've received so many nice messages and cards.

The coroner called and I hoped for one stupid moment they were calling to tell me it was a mistake!

My daughter, a typical 2 year old lacking empathy, walked up to dad last night and said 'nana has died' then turned to me and said 'your mum has died mummy.' Despite it being truly awful we both laughed at the straight-forwardness of the comment.

Im so sorry to others who have lost or are losing parents at important times in their life, although I suppose there is no right time.

Hopefully this thread will help others in the future to know they're not alone as we share our stories.

Im so sorry to everyone who has experienced this immersurable grief during pregnancy. I lost my dad at 28weeks after 6weeks after finding out he had cancer. Hideous.

It will feel like this feeling will never end and you have to battle on feeling as upset as you do because your pregnant or have another child.

I took a framed picture of my dad into the delivery room. I felt he was there with me. I luckily told him name of baby before he passed. I think daily of how much he would have loved to have met my baby.

Take care of yourself. Let yourself feel how you feel and take all the support offer. Xx