What's wrong with her

[Chemistria]

Hi

Sorry if this comes across as being blunt

In a lesbian relationship we have one child already. I'm 29 weeks pregnant and OH is 14 weeks pregnant through IVF.

I never ever thought it was a good idea from the start, for us both to be pregnant at the same time but she was adamant we could cope.

She's been trying for well over 2 years to get pregnant, had a blighted ovum in Jan 15.

So anyway, she had IVF in August and the first few weeks were bloody stressful because she kept bleeding on and off until 12 weeks, and we thought so many times she was losing it.

About 10 weeks she started feeling very nauseous and 11 weeks started being sick quite badly and has been diagnosed with HG after a hospital stay and drip she's on meds now.

What I'm really worried about is she says daily she wishes she wasn't pregnant, she feels nothing towards it, hopes she has a miscarriage, considering abortion, and I'm sick of hearing it.

She says she's happy about MY pregnancy , we are having a little girl, but doesn't want hers.

I can't help but feel anger and disappointment towards her. It's not like this happened by accident.

And the child might not be anything to do with me biologically but I already have feelings towards it, as I do towards my own.

Does this sound like depression or that she's just .... I don't know, not maternal. I don't understand it, I don't feel like I can give her sympathy when she's saying she doesn't care if she has a MC.

Please help.

Sorry I meant 20 weeks not 30 to start seeing improvements in HG for most people.

Hi Rocket, think she still feels nauseous. (sure i spelt that wrong)

I'm really hoping going swimming today helped her. I know that sounds stupid but maybe just getting out and exercising will help .

Hi there, I too experienced some of what it sounds like your partner is going through. I became pregnant after a series of ivf treatments with a baby I very much wanted. I felt totally out of control of my body and hugely resented the baby. I was also considering abortion and it slipped into the rest of my life too. Coincidentally this happened around about the time I came off progesterone support at about ten weeks - don't know if that might have had something to do with it.

Depression (antenatal or pnd) is much more common after ivf than with regular pregnancies, remember as well your ivf clinic (if it's in the U.K.) are required to offer counselling so you might be able to use that service too.

For me a very understanding supervisor of midwives and husband and friends who were prepared to hold my hand and listen to me cry got me through. When I hit the third trimester I magically felt a lot better.

I really hope op that you have someone else who can support you with your own pregnancy because I'' sorry to say I was incapable of supporting anyone else while going through this.

I agree with Veggiesupremeextracheese that she needs to get that help in place asap.
As for speaking to an abortion clinic she can get pre-abortion counselling which I know can help some through these dark times.
As for showing partner these messages tread carefully, this is something a lot of woman go through but it won't feel natural or normal so don't alienate her, support and listen to her. She is telling you and you need to take that very seriously especially the suicidal thoughts/feelings regardless of if you think that she wouldn't go ahead.

Yes Chemistria, the midwife should refer her as a priority

Oh my goodness you poor things, that sounds horrendous to deal with. There are charities that deal with ante/post natel illnesses. I would really recommend PANDAS, they have a closed website forum which may help you both.

Can you speak to your midwife as well?

It is a kind of awareness that those who go through IVF can be at risk of developing a perinatel mental illness, also pregnancy is a known stressor point for mental illness as well. With IVF, you go through all these intense appointments and when you're pregnant you're kind of left to it and it can be very jarring. Add to that as well, the mental pressure you put on yourself for not enjoying a much wanted pregnancy if you're feeling rough. I don't really know what to say, but I think for now try and access some help and support through your midwife and some of the various charities out there.

Hi OP
I just wanted to post here because I am dealing with a lot mentally during this pregnancy and I got lots of support from ladies here and I wanted to give some back.
I am sorry you feel so lonely in your pregnancy, I felt lonely too but now DH is being great.
Your OH in my non- expert opinion seems to be suffering from antenatal depression and I know you are focussed on not losing the baby but you need to focus on how she is feeling.
I didnt want my baby all of a sudden. You can read my post in the pregnancy forum called I dont want this baby because you might find answers to a lot.
I got lots of tips there.
I just stopped loving this baby and told my DH I didnt want it and he was so worried about the abortion but I said it was lawfully my decision and so it is hers.
I called midwife and I saw GP and they told me who to contact and I started therapy.
I am doing a lot better as I dont cry all the time and feel awful all the time.
But I have lots more to do and I still feel there is something wrong with this baby.
It is very hard also when people talk about babies all the time and ask me how the baby is all the time. I cant stand it. People think that because you are pregnant you are so happy and in love with the baby but the hidden truth is that a lot of us dont feel that way.
She must be in a very bad place and doctor did offer me medication but I chose therapy and I am seeing him again today to reassess.
You need to find a sympathetic doctor or a midwife. Also search for counselling in your borough, in my county they offer on line free counselling.
There is light at the end of the tunnel, I dont see it yet but now at least I believe there is.
The suicide comments... Those are never a joke. I have been there in the past and I never meant to follow through but when you say that is because all the joy and hope you had has been removed. Don't take them lightly, it is a call for help. I am NOT saying she will harm herself, I am saying she is hurting. As much as someone can hurt.
Good luck OP

Thanks Pinatubo and every one else who has posted since my last message.

I haven't let her see the thread but I copied and pasted a few of the comments into an email and she went really quiet and said it does sound like exactly how's she's feeling.

I'm going to ring a midwife today and try and sort some therapy out.

I asked her this morning how she feels and she says she doesn't see how she could have an abortion but she's absolutely terrified and still feels very down and is doing her best to never think about being pregnant.

She thinks she's starting to get a bump too.

She went swimming yesterday and said she felt so weak she didn't get the "rush" she wanted from the exercise as she doesn't have the energy.

I said to her this morning I will do everything I can to support her to get the right help; I still feel she should have been offered something else first before the pre abortion counselling.

I think you are being very supportive and things will work out for the two of you. Just make sure you get those appointments rolling to give her something to look forward.

The weakness during exercise could definitely be low vitamin B12. Please try and convince her to get that tested because it's necessary for the baby too. It's such a common, easily treated pregnancy complaint it would be a real pity if her pregnancy was ruined because it wasn't picked up.

Oh yeah Rosegarden sorry you did say before about the vitamins, she had multiple blood tests at the hospital and was given some vitamin thing then..... Actually come to think of it she told me she hadn't taken it .... Hmm. Completely forgot about all in all that happened since. I will speak to her later.

She doesn't eat meat and has barely been eating anyway so wouldn't come as a great shock.

I know I am labouring the point but it can be very serious if not picked up, especially for a breastfed baby. Very easily sorted too but a much higher dose would be needed than normal pregnancy vitamins for a true deficiency. It is most common in Vegans and vegetarians.

good news so far, the midwife came round this morning to see her for over an hour, OH said she cried (which she very rarely does) but also laughed about something to do with the pregnancy, which is a good start,

the MW is going to refer her to speak to the mental health colleague.

I am positive that our little Frosty will be given a good chance now.

Thank you so so so much for everyones support, and the advice that was given. I would never have thought to contact a midwife.

Also Rosegarden I have advised her to get her bloods checked again ASAP to rule out any deficiency.

That sounds positive, I really hope things improve for you both .

Your partners mental state sounds really worrying. I know you say you have feeling already for her child but she sounds like she is in for a very rough time if she continues with the pregnancy and could well become seriously depressed. Have you seriously considered that the best way forward might just be to continue with the one pregnancy. I is a really awful situation though as you say she was desperate to conceive...

cat hi sorry just seen your reply.

it's too late now for it to be done where we live without travelling to neighbouring country (in the UK still but would have to go to England).

She says she souldnt go through with it, but I am still hoping for a fast referral to the MH midwife as her attitude towards everything, including our current family situation even without the babies is exhausting.

I'm trying to be .... understanding but it's difficult.

Hi chemistria
How has your partner got on? She sounds like me and it's an awful situation to be in. I've been referred to the perinatal mental health team to work through my feelings. I do hope you are both doing better .

Hi caprigal,

Sorry to hear you're going through similar :-( how many weeks are you?

OH is 19 weeks almost, and fingers crossed seems to be doing a LOT better.

She had a call from the specialist midwife this week and has an appointment booked soon.

What kinds of things are you thinking / feeling?

She said the other day some of her colleagues said they could see a little bump forming, and I asked her how she felt about that and she said "happy", I didn't push it but that was huge progress compared to a few weeks back when she couldn't even look at my tummy

Is this your first pregnancy?

I really hope the perinatal MW helps you, I'm sure it will just help being able to talk to someone honestly without fear of being judged. I guess I was judging my OH but I couldn't switch off my feelings even though I knew deep down she didn't want to be feeling that way x

I'm glad to hear she's getting the help she needs and is doing a bit better .
I have an appointment on Tuesday but I think it's only an assessment.
I'm nearly 8 weeks and I still keep thinking I want have a termination before 12 weeks. I'm really open with people close to me ,I feel it is a cry for help. It's my second pregnancy and planned so the thoughts were a real shock to me. I have been so down since I found out I was pregnant, crying non stop, having no interest in the pregnancy what so ever ,and at one point I even thought about taking all the medicine from my cabinet with the thought that it would then all be over. I only had to take one look at my son though for that thought to vanish. My best friend is pregnant who I am seeing today and I don't want to see her bump either,I don't want to even think about baby's. I can really relate to your other half and if she is going through the same as me, I can assure you it will be the darkest place she's ever been in her life. I can completely see where you are coming from too and your support will mean the world to her. My husband wants this baby but not at the cost of my health so he supporting whatever I do ,and just knowing that is a big thing for me. Let us know how you both get on . Sending cyber hugs for you both. X

Hi capri I really hope it goes ok on Tuesday for you. How was meeting with your friend?

How are you feeling physically? I found OH to be a lot worse when she felt exhausted and very sick .

I really hope you can get past this, it must be incredibly confusing especially as when you say it was a planned and wanted pregnancy. I don't understand enough about it to pretend to know why or how these thoughts can happen.

But I do know from all the nice feedback on here that you can overcome it xx

Thank you ,I just hope they can help me to make sense of it. I wasn't happy when I found out I was pregnant but I think the pregnancy had already triggered the depression at that point. I was ok for a week or so then the nausea started which I have 24/7 just like I did with my first pregnancy , I sleep as much as I can around my 2 year old which helps and it's the only thing that does help . I'm on medication for the sickness but it's not a great help. I have found I don't want the baby more when I'm not coping with the sickness. I think I just really hate been pregnant and with it been Christmas time , a lot of my plans have been cancelled which makes me resentful.

Luckily over the past few days I seem to be coping better ,although I was in tears most of the day yesterday because I could barely move for feeling so ill and I told my husband last night that I wanted a termination asap. I do think when you are really ill and hormones are all over you feel ten times worse for it. I had a traumatic pregnancy and labour the first time around too so don't think that's helped at all.
It wasn't so bad seeing my friend as she knows what I'm going through and we stayed away from the baby conversation.
Don't worry about not understanding it because I think it's one of those things, that unless you've been through it or are close to someone that's been there it is hard to understand. Even myself now I read some of the things I put on paper and think,what a selfish mare get over it! But it's not that easy at all. Just your support will be a massive help to your partner .
If you wouldn't mind please keep me informed. There's not a great deal out there around this ,and if I can help to be a support in anyway I'm happy to be. Xx

Hey Capri,

You sound SO much like my partner in how you're feeling and the fact it ties into having terrible sickness and nausea. We also have a 2Yo and at time when I've been at work she hasn't been able to cope with him on her own when she couldn't even look after herself.

What medication are you on?

She tried Cyclizine and promethazine both of which didn't make a bit of difference, now she's on Ondanestron and it's helped massively.

She was saying the things you were at the peak of feeling ill.

I'm just about to go to sleep, if you want to pm me you can, I've not sent anyone a message on here yet but I'll give it a go tomorrow. Xx

I'll pm you. Xx