Terminated my pregnancy due do depression

[anna8315]

Hello guys,
Probably this will be a long post. I am not a native English speaker so please understand if I am not writing perfect.

I suffered from depression since week 5. When I found out I was pregnant i was lucky for only one week but then my doubts and fear and anxiety started. When the tiredness and nausea started I still was very positive as i thought I would feel so low and negative because of this. In week 12 it starts to get better but i was still so worse and scared if I really wanted the baby. I have to say i was not long with my boyfriend together and he could not manage my depression. I was almost every day home in bed, attended some family events and things I had to do. When I started to consider abortion my boyfriend just left me alone with the decision, he even said it is my decision.( my personality changed complete, i was not a good person and I even thought I did not like him anymore). I was becoming desperate and went to abortion clinics but always had break downs to really do it.

Thre weeks past and my little baby was growing further and I even got more depressed. Then two days ago we went in a clinic and made a abortion at 14 week. I was crying when I did so I think actually of all the hormons i was not able to realise anymore what I am doing here. My boyfriend just looked and said nothing to me. Now I am completely sad, crying the whole day, went into psychiatric clinic where they gave me medication. There were so many pregnant womon getting help and they sometimes even stay in hospital for some time to be treated. The doctor said I would have been treated with medication during pregnancy but I missed this chance. I feel soo much guilt and such a big loose, like a good friend of mine has died. I can not get over it, also had suicidal tendences but I will be treated in hospital. I want to say to you guys, don't ever make an abortion du to depression and anxiety, it will be soo much worser afterwards. I killed my little baby and my bf did not even say something about it. He is regretting a lot and said it was the biggest mistake he has ever done because he thought i would feel better after the abortion. I went to some doctors before and said i am depressed but nobody took it for real. Just understand you have to talk to people like midwife or even go in the psychatric clinic they will help you immediately. For my baby it is now to late and i made a big mistake. I am constantly crying over the loos my strong family is behind me (they did not knew that I suffered from depression trough pregnancy, as I felt ashamed to tell them) and will support me trough this hard times in life. If god will give me a second chance than I will do everything to just keep the baby what ever it takes. Hopefully god is forgivinf me for what I have done.

Hi Anna
I've read your story and I'm glad you shared it with us on Mumsnet!
It sounds like you've had a really hard time. I know abortion is such a difficult and traumatic time in a woman's life. Things will get better. You need to take it day by day and be gentle with yourself
It's great that you have been prescribed medication to help you get through this experience. What is the name of the medication you were given?
I am sending you a big hug

Caprigal

Please don't make the abortion in such a mental state. For me it sounds you really wanted the baby. I know it can make you soo confuse when your inner voice is telling you there is something wrong and termination is the only way out. When I had the abortion, i felt sooo empty afterwards. My really happy life was dark and grey and honestly do you know how really bad heart break after a splitting up from your big love felt? So just imagine this feeling afterwards. I was trashed after the abortion, i did mine in week 14/15 (12 weeks after conceiving). Please don't make a rushed decision when your mind is not clear! I really beg you overthink and then think if your hormons could make you a different persons or your maybe scared. Fear is our worst enemy. Hope you are doing the right thing. Don't get me wrong, it is all your decision and nobody can tell you what is best for you but if you wanted that child and have seen sonogrammes already in week 12 i beg you please don't terminate! You will regret and suffer for quite a while. I wish you all the best for the decision which is best for you!

Lizzi, i was not on medication during pregnancy just after the termination it called Tavor in German, i took it only 3 weeks and then i went off. I am now in week 13 (next scan next week) and i have very good days and bad but I definitely feel better than in my last pregnancy as I know how to handle my inbalance of hormones and the fear better. I have to keep myself busy and i am planning some holidays and i really look forward to my little tiny baby! Can't wait.

Also I am very happy that many of you guys can use this experience to not make the same heartbreaking decision. I don't want to write mistake as it sounds so rough but abortion in a late state or especially to terminate a wanted pregnancy in a panic attack it the worst ever. From the moment i walked out of this clinic and the little happy maker pill (they usually give you something during the abortion to make you feel good afterwards) came to an end i had a mental break down and i could not sleep for 3 days in a row and constantly crying. Usually i am a very strong person but abortion will make you suffer! Def!

I am not talking about an abortion in week 6 with 19 when you got my mistake pregnant and still have the rest of your life in front of you.

I wish that our experience is helping all woman who are going trough the same!

Hi Anna
Thank you for your message. I'm doing much better , I was sent for an assessment and it was confirmed I have depression and out on medication for it. I still have days where I panic about having a baby , but I think it was the trauma of the last pregnancy amongst other things.
I do hope youre doing well yourself now Anna . Xx

Or so happy to hear! How many weeks you are now?

I was wondering what really triggers these negative feelings during pregnancy, why some woman suffer a lot and some not.

Does the medication helps? For now i am trying without medication and most of tje time i am quite happy but sometimes it freaks me out. I had one week where i had again bad thoughts about termination but I keep telling myself that my body in this hormonal state is lying and just my fear of having a baby and especially labour. It is my first child now and really hope that I will love the child and bond with it.

Maybe for all of you who did not realise, i rushed into a new pregnancy 2 month later after abortion. All my therapists told me to wait for 6 month but i conceived luckily very quick again and it was my way out of this situation. Every one is different but it helped me a lot to be pregnant again.

I'm 10 weeks now . I think the medication is helping ,I'm on a very low dose of sertraline ,I was prescribed 50mg but I take a quarter of a pill a day .
Aw congratulations! If youre happy and it's what is right for you, all the best! How far along are you? I'd definetly speak to your doctor and midwife about your feelings , because if you do have a bit of depression and it's left untreated it can lead to post natal depression .I don't say that to scare you but it's a risk and that's why I decided to go back onto medication.
I have a friend who's been referred to councilling because she's petrified of labour so that might be something to consider for you.
I have always had depression so I think the hormones triggered it back off when I got pregnant. I nearly lost my first son and had to have an emergency c section, and the whole pregnancy was horrible too, so I have a lot of fear from that.
I hope your pregnancy goes great , and if at any point you need to chat , feel free to drop me a message. X

I wish I had kept the baby for sure
I'm still heart broken everyday and have asked for counselling
I was on sertraline low dose and I don't think it was high enough
I don't ever want to get pregnant again and to make it worse friends are now announcing pregnancies and would've been due when my baby was
My sister has also had a baby and looking at her makes me feel so guilty
I wish I didn't have my friend and ex sort of pressuring me into it
I always said I would've never had an abortion and I knew I didn't want one deep down
I believe I made all deductions to quickly
I would've been about five months now
I try and stay strong for my other children and tell myself I did the right decision
But I know I didn't
Xx

Hi Tonijo
I feel for you I really do. I'd go back to the doctor and ask about medication again , I know that some people don't like being on it but if you need it,you need it.
Please try to not beat yourself up over it , you obviously were in a difficult position and as you said , your situation was from ideal so you did what you thought was best at the time. Have you spoke to your friend about how you feel? That might help?
It can take a while for councilling sessions to come through so maybe give Arch a call and speak to them ? They are an abortion recovery help line, there may be others out there but this is the one I found. The number is 0845 603 8501. There's an email address if you want to google them and find that too.
Maybe write a letter to your child and bury it , burn it , tie it to a balloon and let it go? Put all your feelings in this letter and see if you can get a bit of closure.
You deserve to be happy and you have your children to pull you through. Stay strong. Xx