Waste of a name?! *(TW - miscarriage)

She is! That's such a horrible thing to say!

A special name she loved for a special little boy she loved. I'm not seeing the waste here.

What a bitch, what does she even mean wasting a name? It makes no sense. I'm very sorry for your loss and hope your sister is doing as OK as she can be.

Bloody hell, what an awful comment

Can I ask, was he 15 weeks old, or was she 15 weeks pregnant?

I agree with her. I just wouldn’t say it to a friend who’d suffered a bereavement because it’s not a helpful opinion to share. So yes, she was unreasonable for saying it out loud in an inappropriate context, but not for having an opinion which differs from yours.

I think that’s an awful thing to say. But my DM had a series of late miscarriages that were all boys, she said that by the time she got to the fourth one she stopped using her favourite names as she hoped that she’d having a living child that could use it (luckily they did go on to have my DB). I suppose it’s a similar viewpoint but it’s very different if it’s not your DC.

I wouldn't say it out loud, but it does mean she can't use the name for the next baby, but maybe she wouldn't want to if she'd attached the name to this baby.

It is unusual to name a 15 week pregnancy, isn't it?

Obviously your sister must do what's right for her and it's none of this friend's business though.

I dunno, I think it's one of those things where the "different opinion" part can only apply to yourself, not other people. You can think that to you, it would or would not be a waste of your favourite name to use it in these circumstances, but as your favourite name has that value only for you, nobody else can determine whether you using it would be a waste.

I'm not sure if I've managed to articulate the difference I'm perceiving… I think I'm saying that there can't be an objective judgement as to whether it's a "waste" because it's the favourite name of that person in particular, which is a currency with no value to anyone else but her, so she is the only one who can judge whether this is the "best use" for that name.

I also agree with her but I wouldn’t have said it out loud.

I get what she is saying. We lost our first at 14 weeks, I gave birth to him and he was given a name. I used a name I wish since, I could have used with my other boys.

Looking back I should of named him Thomas because I never could of used it in reality as it doesn't go with our surname but I adore the name.

But it sounds awful saying it out loud. So I understand why you feel the way you do.

I've had two stillbirths. During my pregnancy they had "bump names" - nicknames that I probably wouldnt have used/given them had they lived. We kept the bump names because this was how we thought of them.

I'm not sure if this is in support of the comment (in that we didn't give them the names we might have, had they lived), or against it (in that if Milo was the name she gave her baby while pregnant why would she not continue to use it?)

I think that anyone who has experienced a loss during pregnancy can call their baby whatever they want and anyone that thinks otherwise ought to keep their ignorant mouth shut.

People say all sorts of shit when talking about child loss.

Over the years I've had the deaths of my children compared to the death of a pet, told I didn't know real pain as I could have children so I was luckier than her as she couldn't conceive at all (5 days after my daughter died), then the many "at least your young enough to have more" even the HV when I had my 2nd ds after my first son died walked in and said "so, does he look anything like your dead son then" and many, many more.

People can be utter dickheads.

I think she was ok for thinking it but she shouldn't of said it.

Jesus, what a horrible thing for your friend to say. She has a massive empathy gap.

She was OK to think it, but she shouldn’t have said it. I agree with her thoughts, I suppose, in the sense that I would never think of naming a baby when I was only 15 weeks pregnant. But other people do think up names from the start.

As others have said, I agree with what the friend said, but I wouldn’t have said it myself.

Most people wouldn’t even know the sex of the baby at 15 weeks, so it’s unlikely that it would have been the child’s definite name.

If you have one name that you really like, then yes it would be better to use that for a child that survived rather than one that was miscarried at 15 weeks.

But I would never say that to somebody - it’s your sister’s choice of course and everyone in that situation should just do what they think is right for them and their foetus/baby.

I think the OP was misleading- I read it as her little boy died at 15 weeks old and thought the friend was being really horrible, even if they had known he wouldn't survive for long, as he was their child that they loved and cared for through his short life. Other posters expressed sorrow for the OPs loss, because something like that would be distressing for the whole family.
I'm sorry but a miscarriage at 15 weeks, whilst upsetting for the parents, is not uncommon and does not compare at all. Even so, if the sister had decided on that name, I think it would be strange to think about saving it in case she had another son who survived and think of a different one this time.

Your ‘friend’ is an idiot.

Very, very misleading opening post. I think everyone will assume it was a post birth 15 week old child that was the loss not a pregnancy loss, which while still obviously very sad is not quite the same. The answers will be skewed especially if posters have not read the update that it was a pregnancy loss.

(And I've had a second trimester loss so I can sympathise with her totally).

I agree it was an unpleasant thing to say but I can also see her thought/logic behind it, brutal as that may seem to you as a loving sister.

My initial thought was what a horrible thing to say/think but now people have shared why they might think that it does make sense. I think however it is a very personal thing to name a child and your friend should have shown more respect

I've never known anyone choose a name by 15 weeks pregnant either. Most don't even know the sex by then.