Waste of a name?! *(TW - miscarriage)

That is a bit of a drip feed! It wouldn’t have occurred to me to name a miscarriage, and a stillbirth or live birth is quite, quite different.

It’s something people would think to themselves, but not say aloud though.

To be fair I'm currently pregnant after some losses and can't think of a name I like - a similar thought has crossed my mind albeit very briefly about my own circumstances. I wouldn't say it aloud though.

That’s horrible. If a name is important then that is what matters. Personally it would be very important to me, particularly if the name had already been chosen.

When you miscarry after the first trimester you are able to determine the baby's sex when it has been born and then name it. Some Hospitals also allow you to have the baby baptised and arrange a cremation service.

She was rude and insensitive. I agree with her thinking as I didn't use my favourite name on my stillborn as I wanted my dreamt of 'alive' baby with that name. Still chose a special name though. It is totally wrong of her to voice her opinions though!

I’m really sorry.

My daughter is called one of my favourite names and I named her shortly after she was born when I already knew she wouldn’t live for very long. She’s still really special to me, even though she is dead so it’s not a waste of a favourite name because she is still my daughter.

People don’t know how to respond to a child dying. They say all kinds of well meaning or thoughtless things. This is quite tame compared to many I have heard and that your sister is likely to have to listen to.

I used up my favourite girl name on my first daughter who was still born unexpectedly at term. I’ve had two more daughters and a son since. I don’t regret giving my dead daughter the “best” name. I had nothing else I could give her.

People saying it’s unusual to name a baby when 15 weeks pregnant but surely lots of people have a name in mind very early on or even before pregnancy that they want to give their baby (or future baby). I wouldn’t say it’s that unusual.

It's a poorly worded OP and I feel sorry for the posters sharing the loss of their babies.

The friend was unreasonable to say it, but it was a reasonable sentiment that many people would share.

I would find it unusual to give a name to a baby that was lost at 15 weeks into the pregnancy, and I do kind of get where your friend was coming from. However, I would never be so insensitive as to express that thought out loud.

I'm sorry for your sister's loss. Dealing with loss and grief is such a personal thing and there is no right or wrong way of doing it. If it gives your dsis comfort to have named the baby that she lost, then that is really all that matters and nobody else really has a right to an opinion on the subject.

It's not unreasonable to think it but it was totally unreasonable for your friend to say it out loud.

She needs a filter.

I lost a baby at 27 weeks. He was Alexander a friend I made later lost a boy who lived for 4 months rather than just hours. We both had girls: Alice (Alex), Olivia (Oliver). I have often wondered if there's a subconscious pattern among pare to like us or if it was just a coincidence.

I didn't name the babies we lost at 17 and 12 weeks but I have friends who did.

There aren't any rights or wrongs, hence the need for empathy.

She was being very tactless, but it’s unusual to name a 15 week pregnancy, and that I think is all she meant.

I agree with her but I wouldn’t have said it out loud.

Some people have their favourite names and once they’ve used that name they can’t really use it again.

I knew my DDs name since I was 10 years old so the second I got pregnant I knew if it was a girl she’d be called X so I understand how your sister had a babe picked out but she couldn’t have known whether it was male or female and it seems sad that she can’t use that name now.

I fortunately don’t have any experience of this myself, but I realise that you would likely know or could find out the sex of a baby you had miscarried.

What I actually meant what that by 15 weeks of any pregnancy (without miscarrying) most people would not know the sex so it is not likely to be the case that the baby had been known to be definitely a boy called Milo for a number of weeks before he was miscarried. (And therefore keep the name).

As I said though, anyone unfortunate enough to be in that position can do whatever makes them feel best, and whatever I thought about it, I wouldn’t have commented on it myself.

She shouldn't have shared her opinion with you, it wasn't appropriate to do so, even if others feel the same.
I've not heard of anyone naming a baby lost to miscarriage, and hadn't realised until this thread that sex could be determined so early on, or thst some hospitals give you option of a service and/or baptism.
It's a sad time for your family, I hope your sister takes good care of herself

I had a loss around the same time as your sister. We'd had a male name picked out already, so I chose to write this down in the hospital's book of remembrance. I also used the bump nick name on a necklace with a birth stone for the month they were due and planted a special tree. All the "well, it obviously wasn't meant to be" and dismissive comments were hurtful - I carried a little person for 3 months, who will always be my son or daughter. As the saying goes, I'll hold them in my heart until I can hold them in heaven. Please ignore the ignorant.

I lost my first daughter at 22 weeks, she was named one of our two favourite names, but the 'safer' of the two. She was named as soon as we found out she was a girl, at 16 weeks.

Our second daughter was named the name we wish we had been brave enough to use the first time. It is a real marmite name, but after the loss of our first baby girl, I don't give a monkeys. It's perfect, and it's absolutely her.

My business now incorporates my first daughters name, and as far as I'm concerned, I have two daughters, both of whom have a name that we love.

That said, I do sort of understand what your friend said... although it's not something that should ever be said out loud 🙄

I think this wasn't the time, place or audience for those thoughts and I'm sorry she said it to you, OP.

I don't think the sentiment is unreasonable though. I think there's no right or wrong when it comes to whether you consider a miscarriage to be a baby or not. Personally, I wouldn't. Until viability, I don't consider a foetus to be a baby. It would be a tragic event that I'd think about sometimes rather than a child/sibling who died.

Other people feel differently though, and it is always wrong and rude to try and force them to feel how I do rather than empathise and support them.

I think it's one of those things like mentioning an inheritance when someone dies. It's not horrible because it's illogical, it's because emotion and respect and tact are more important in the circumstances.

Was she just trying to say that if she had a favourite name, she wouldn't use it for a pregnancy lost at 15 weeks, but said it very clumsily? I can see where she's coming from but I wouldn't say it to someone in that situation.

I’d probably have thought the same, but I wouldn’t really see a 15 week fetus as a baby, I haven’t heard of anybody naming a miscarriage before and I didn’t even know you could know the sex of it at that point. But I absolutely wouldn’t have said what I was thinking out loud, your friend probably should have kept her thoughts to herself. This is a situation where it’s not unreasonable to think but probably unreasonable to voice.

We lost DS2 as a newborn, it was one of my favourite names and I did feel absolutely gutted that I'd never be calling out that name in public. It is odd, but I can understand it sort of, from angles. It's like losing two fold, losing the baby and then losing all the hopes on that name too.

It's a weird one to explain.

But still rather shocked anyone would air it out loud like she did.

My DH's parents had a son before my DH and he died shortly after birth. They gave him DH's dad's name, and it's on his gravestone. They then had DH a year and a half later and gave him the same name! I think that's weird but it's never bothered my DH! So maybe the name could be re-used. I don't know. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I get the sentiment but wouldn't express it unless asked.

Personally, I'd have used one of the names I loved but probably wouldn't have had the guts to actually use.