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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband has walked out.

109 replies

Confusedpenguon · 17/02/2019 12:50

AIBU- so about a week ago my husband of 25 years walked out and left me and the children while I was at work to live at a friends house. He said this was nothing to do with me or our relationship it was simply that he was suffering with chronic pain and that he didn’t want to snap at us or be around anyone. Have barely seen him all week just a few calls and messages. Then last night it transpires he’s going out drinking with his friends. This morning I told him that I no longer believed him why he had left us as if he was in too much pain to be around anyone he wouldn’t be at the pub. Also he’s managed to go the gym all week and chat online till all hours with friends. So now he thinks I’m being unreasonable and a bitch and is refusing to answer my messages - am I in the wrong? or is he a lying t@at?

OP posts:
Confusedpenguon · 17/02/2019 16:29

I’ve seen some of the posts it’s definitely America

OP posts:
ThatssomebadhatHarry · 17/02/2019 16:30

It’s not an affair because she’s married???

It’s an affair. Either emotional or sexual.

30 messages a day....take a breath op and open your eyes.

He is keeping his options open with you but is having an affair.

Springwalk · 17/02/2019 16:30

Op I am not sure why you ever thought it was okay for him to message a woman so much, and for so long?

Tistheseason17 · 17/02/2019 16:32

Nice drip feed....
Of course he's having an emotional affair. Stop making excuses and start proceedings.

Also, I suffer from chronic pain - I have no desire to leave my family Confused

JocelynBell1 · 17/02/2019 16:36

See a solicitor as soon as possible. He has left the family home. Seek advice on how to keep it this way.

Confusedpenguon · 17/02/2019 16:43

I think I might be a bit naive ive seen some of the messages and they seem innocent enough what’s an emotional affair?

OP posts:
DeaflySilence · 17/02/2019 16:46

"It’s an empty house owned by a friend that’s that been renovated yet so it’s a shithole and not somewhere u would choose to stay."

"I completely accept he’s struggling and that the pain is bad"

Sometimes, when chronic pain is severe, people can shore-up their coping mechanisms by turning in on themselves. Could it be that this empty house is allowing him to do that, to a degree?
What is he using to control the pain? Could he be self-medicating with cannabis (or other non-prescribed drugs) and if so, would that be something that he would expect you to 'allow'?

If this action in going there, and the way he took his leave, is out of the norm for him, I would say this is the behavior of someone at the end of their tether, who perhaps needs more support and sympathy, not less.

I wouldn't read too much into him going to the pub either. That's fairly common escapist behavior, when people don't know how else to get by.

Talk to him. It may be previous posters are correct and an affair is looming, but I really don't think he sounds as if he's in that position, so talk without accusation. It sounds far more likely that he is close to the (his, personal) edge.

Confusedpenguon · 17/02/2019 16:54

Thanks I do think he’s close to the edge he’s not taking drugs other then a muscle relaxant to help with sleep prescribed by the go and he doesn’t usually drink except on a night out

OP posts:
Cailleach1 · 17/02/2019 17:03

With such chronic pain, you'd probably be on painkillers. This may mean you can't drink. Or if no you're in such pain, you find it difficult to be mobile.

So pain control but can't drink if you are happily able to saunter to the pub. Or miserable and in pain which makes it unlikely you want to be trotting around the place and won't end up in the pub. Most likely place in the latter scenario is you'd be lying down.

SilverySurfer · 17/02/2019 17:03

I have had severe pain every day for the past forty years and it hasn't turned me into an arsehole yet. He is one because of the way he did it. A normal person would have talked to you, explained, asked your opinion, maybe shown you the house etc. Instead he fucked off while you were at work. Unbelievable. Add to that the EA with the American woman and personally he would not be stepping foot in my house again.

I wish you well OP and good luck

Cailleach1 · 17/02/2019 17:04

Scratch that. Just seen you post. check if you can drink with the muscle relaxant.

Confusedpenguon · 17/02/2019 17:15

He can’t take painkillers as he’s an engineer and they would make him drowsy and he can’t have them at night either because they counter act the sleeping muscle relaxatant tablets and keep him awake

OP posts:
Springwalk · 17/02/2019 17:52

Op you can take most muscle relaxants and pain killers together.

pinkgloves · 17/02/2019 17:56

Both of my family member I mentioned up thread take both muscle relaxants and painkillers.

DeaflySilence · 17/02/2019 17:57

"I do think he’s close to the edge"

If I was close to the edge, I would like to think someone would try to investigate and support that, before assuming my out-of-character behavior was due to me doing something that was a disloyal betrayal (is this out-of-character behavior, @Confusedpenguon? ).

Because of 25 years, and because of the great year, before the nerve burning wore off (just at Christmas), I think I would be inclined to try to talk and support him through this. If I could (and only you can know that). He must be devastated that the treatment has stopped working, so soon and, actually, (despite the apparent good time in the pub) I'd be pretty worried about him.

Springwalk · 17/02/2019 18:16

Let’s assume he is having an ‘emotional’ affair, it may not be in any way intimate or sexual. It maybe purely supportive. I have received great support from some forums when I didn’t want to always be ‘complaining’ to my long suffering family. Does she have the same problem? I made many friends this way, we would prop each other up, on very bad days more than thirty messages were not unusual.
He may not be shutting you out, but simply sparing you from listening to it day in and day out.

Look op if this was my dh regardless of my justified anger, I would be getting myself over to the house to see him. Even just to do the decent thing and make sure he is okay.

AnyFucker · 17/02/2019 18:23

He's not having an affair ?

Oh yes he is

EKGEMS · 17/02/2019 18:49

You can take a prescription muscle relaxer and painkiller together-I'm an RN and I've taken the combo together. I'd be in a lawyer's office at 9 am tomorrow morning,and his belongings would be in the front yard. Your husband is a selfish bastard and is having an emotional long distance relationship. You need to wake up and smell the coffee

Confusedpenguon · 17/02/2019 18:59

I know u can take a muscle relaxant and painkiller together what I meant was that they counter act each other in him maybe not other people so he can’t take the painkillers he prefers to sleep (oxy codone) (clamaxapam)

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 17/02/2019 19:09

Wakey wakey op.

Ffs...we don't need Morse to see whats going on.

Springwalk · 17/02/2019 19:26

To be honest op you can’t even manage to go and see him, you haven’t even given him the time of day. So maybe that is why he has gone? You don’t seem to care very much that he is living in a ‘shit hole’, nor what the reasons might be. In you own words you describe him as being close to the edge.
Sad
We don’t know for sure he is having an affair, and whilst it is easy to assume, we don’t actually know.

So maybe the marriage was in greater trouble than you realised.
The complete absence of any support or compassion is striking.

What happened to innocent until proven guilty?

CantStopMeNow · 17/02/2019 20:01

I don't believe his excuses about pain being the reason why....more like he wants to test the waters of the single life with no childcare responsibilities.
So far it's working for him, despite the 'pain' and how it allegedly affects his communication with those around him - he can still have a 'normal' life - it's just family life that's spoiling it for him.

Him upping and leaving before you got home from work, not bothering to explain his absence to his dc and carrying on with his life as normal just shows what a selfish, self centred and arrogant prick he is.

He's already emotionally checked out of your relationship and is having an emotional affair with someone online - now he can have more contact with her, maybe even phone conversations, without anyone looking over his shoulder.

I'd tell him to stay away permanently OP.
Don't let his medical condition stop you from looking after the best interest of you and your dc.......afterall, he isn't letting it stop him...

buttertoff33 · 17/02/2019 20:21

I have never heard pain as a reason for leaving a family. This is weird as fuck (and probably a big fat lie).

Confusedpenguon · 17/02/2019 21:01

Springwatch- I have given him the time of day I work full time and then collect the children I have no one to babysit so once they are in bed that’s it plus I know he would not welcome a visit from me as the whole point of him being there Is because he is supposedly too angry to be around me or the children- we have spoken over the phone and I’ve discussed support but that is not the question I opened the thread with

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 17/02/2019 21:31

Random woman in America?! Wtf? Who is she?

Walking out to stay in an unrenovated house is ridiculous. He's compounded his idiotic behaviour by pissing it up every night.