Husband has walked out.

He's gaslighting you. Making you think you're in the wrong for asking questions about what the hell he's doing! Making you doubt the reality of the situation. He's left you - least temporarily, and it's perfectly reasonable to want a proper explanation. If he's making you feel weird about it, he's in the wrong. You know him best, but if none of this rings true, then pay attention to that. Time to split, I'd say. Get a solicitor.

He may be using alcohol to self medicate, hence the pub. Chronic pain is an awful thing to live with and can considerably affect a persons mental health. Also, pain is subjective and everyone experiences it differently. It's whatever the person experiencing it tells you is. Going to the gym might also help with his pain.

Putting that aside, he is not communicating very well with you at all. He does need to think what he wants and what he sees his actual long term plan/future being. Are you and your kids in it? When does he forsee coming home? After his treatment? If it really is just about his pain then once that is treated there should be no other reason not to come home? Are there other issues he just hasn't spoken to you about?

If he’s waiting to have radio frequency denervation for his back (which I have had) he must either be doing a very specific gym routine based very much on gentle movement and muscle strengthening and not things such as weights, cross trainer or more than light walking on a treadmill or he’s using the gym as part of his social life!! I also wasn't capable of being down the pub after work every night - in fact, after work some nights, I had to decide whether to go to my parents house to sleep for the day as that meant just 1 flight of stairs to the bedroom/bathroom not 2 which I had at my flat. I was even known to sleep in my car in the car park for a few hours because I just couldn’t face climbing any stairs.

I would face facts that he’s not being truthful about his reasons for leaving and that things aren’t as bad as he makes out and that, in reality, he’s having great fun playing the single gu without the responsibility of family life to get in the way of a pint with ‘the lads’!!

Affair. Or one in view. Sorry OP. He's just too chicken shit to admit it.

I think I'd be telling him to get his arse back home and that you'll all deal with his pain and subsequent shitty mood as a family.
Tell him you meant your marriage vows, in sickness and in health, for better for worse etc
His reaction should tell you what you need to know.

it’s an empty house owned by a friend

have you actually seen the house or know for sure it exists?

and what happoens if you were in chronic pain do u get to just up and leave

even if it is true u cant just check out like that

I have chronic pain op, and I can say hand on heart the only place you want to be is at home in your own bed, with people that care enough to help you through it.

What has happened before this? Are you getting on? Do you know why he would leave?

I'd ask why doesn't he snap at his friends in the pub or people in the gym and why doesn't he need some space from them

I guess it's a rhetorical question though, he's not going to be able to answer it in any acceptable way

Just a different angle op.
The only other reason I can think of as someone in the same position.
Could he feel like he is a massive burden on you? Is he struggling? Could it be that he is in a really bad place?

There are bad days for all of us when we wish we could just disappear. Is there any chance this condition had just become too much for him?

@Springwalk The only place YOU want to be with YOUR chronic pain is at home. That's not necessarily what someone else with chronic pain wants.

OP, it sounds like the pain is an issue but probably not the only issue. Perhaps he's latching onto using that as the only reason because he thinks his other reasons are less "reasonable" or "acceptable". You definitely need to talk to him some more but please don't jump to conclusions and go in all guns blazing. That won't help either of you.

This is seriously weird behaviour. You need to tell him to come home by Tuesday (random date) or you will assume that he has left you and will start formal proceedings immediately, e.g. CMS, formal separation agreement, access to your children etc. Not necessarily divorce proceedings, but enough to give him a kick up the arse and make him realise it is absolutely not on to take a nice little break from family life whilst pretending it's for their benefit. He's behaving like an absolute shit and I would be livid if my DH did this.

Even if it were true, and he was doing it all because of the pain and the alcohol and gym was for pain relief (😏) he could still communicate with you about the children and household, and he should realise how he's putting everything on your shoulders and be bloody grateful.

I may be wrong but leaving in a ‘shit hoke’ doesn’t sound like a great option for an affair is he was having one. The fact he is up all night could indicate his lack of sleep due to pain. If he is sinking into depression drinking might be his only release.

I am not making excuses for him, I have just learnt that not everything is cut and dried in life.

Maybe he no longer feels worthy of you. Genuine long term pain can crush all the joy out of life.

Go and see him, don’t tell him you are going, see for yourself. Leave dc with friends and talk to him.

treble I won’t dignify that comment with a reply.

I'm so sorry OP. It sounds like he's keeping his options open to me.

Whether he has an OW or not, his behaviour as a father and towards his wife and mother of children is appalling.

I think Springwalk has given a great response and a different perspective on the situation. Have you seen him? Visited him unannounced? You need time to talk just the two of you.

Op you have done absolutely nothing wrong. Nothing. This is not your fault.
He should not have just left without a word, of course not.
I am just wondering if there is much more to this. I would go and find out before making any decisions.
I am sorry this has happened to you, it must be very hurtful if you have been so supportive of him

He is in the wrong. It doesn't scream affair to me, it sounds like he's in pain and so life is hard and he wants to just focus on himself and his pain. So doing whatever makes him happy is his top priority as he 'deserves' it in recompense for the pain. The fact he left while you are at work shows he knows he's in the wrong - if his story was true, he would've talked to you and said what he wanted to do before going.
My husband is depressed and though he's never gone to these extremes, he can be monumentally selfish sometimes, as if he thinks because he has so much self hatred to deal with, he shouldn't have to deal with anything else - kids, housework, life admin. But being dealt a shit hand health wise doesn't mean you can get out of the things that being part of a family involve - unless you're prepared too have no family. There's no obligation on you, as his family, to wait around to welcome him back when he feels he can face it. In fact, you literally can't do so - you will grow without him, have your own rhythms and routines, and if he deigns to return, there won't be a place for him anymore. That's just how it is.

Some women will excuse anything a man does and suggest the most ludicrous reasons for accepting being treat like shit. Best ignored.

There is NO excuse good enough for walking out when you were at work. None.

He walked out, he’d be staying out. End of.

@springwalk I'm not sure what was wrong with my comment. I was simply pointing out pain is a subjective experience. What you feel is not what everyone else is going to feel which your first post kind of implied. It wasn't a dig. Sorry if you were offended.

@Springwalk I actually think we're kind of saying the same thing to the OP.