Husband has walked out.

It doesn't sound like he's having an affair, but it does sound like he's checked out of family life for now (? maybe temporary, maybe not).

I'd leave him to it, in all honesty. I have zero doubt in my mind that, after he's had the nerve burning op, he'll be expecting to come home to have you look after him at least initially - will you though? because I'd be thinking Very Hard about that!

I’d be messaging saying he can move out permanently and your relationship is over. Tell him he can blame you to his friends all he wants you know the truth, he checked out and left you handle his kids and used the excuse he was doing it for you.
Tell him you will be in touch to arrange mantainence and he can collect the rest of his things from the front/back garden at his own convenience.

treble thank you for your message. I didn’t intend to make it sound like all people deal with pain the same way, I apologise if it came across that way. People in severe pain usually have to rely on others to some degree. So it is unusual to leave and live in a horrible place. Other people I guess retreat into themselves. Or have other reactions. My first response was call in the lawyers when I read the post.

But thinking about it, given his health situation maybe there was a reason.

Chronic pain is not a good enough reason to abandon your family.
But if it has pushed him into more serious mental health problems, then it might be worth considering if he needs much more support from doctors, medication, a pain clinic.

Never ending pain is a life sentence for those who have it.

I hope he is not simply playing op for a fool and making excuses, there is every chance he might be. She needs to find out.

I think there's another woman too, I'd put money on it.

@springwalk

I absolutely agree 🙂. It's not a valid reason to just up sticks without really talking about it but it is worth considering whether it's contributed to some other problem.

Lots of people here seem very quick to jump to very negative conclusions without really thinking about and considering what underlying factors may be present. People post here for advice and deserve to receive rational, thoughtful &, reasonable responses that help them rationalise their situation and consider all options calmly not be whipped into a frenzy by the baying mob.

Mental ill health and suicide in men is a very big issue and should be considered in all circumstances like this. It's not always "the man is just being an arse because he can/is".

OP, I have osteoarthritis in my hips and lower back. I live in chronic pain. I take morphine daily. 1. I couldn't think of anything worse than living by myself in an unrenovated property as my DH helps me a lot. 2. Some days I can't get my own knickers on due to the pain, let alone go pissing it up in the pub or go to the gym

I am in the same boat. The other night my son and husband had to take care of some business out of town and I was on my own until 9pm with deep snow and high winds (another country) and was just sitting here thinking how helpless I would be without their help. The idea of going to a pub or gym is ridiculous. I can't even sit upright for very long.

It sounds awful for you op and he may well be lying but both my Grandma and my Dad suffer chronic pain and this means we can't stay with either of them when we go home.

When they're really in pain they just don't want to be around anyone. My Grandma says she needs to be alone to focus and deal with the pain. My Dad is horrifically short tempered and snappy when he's in pain and asks us to leave.

Although instead of going to the pub, if you Dh felt better I'd have thought he'd have wanted to see his kids, that would upset me.

He's full of Shit OP, he may well be in pain, but he wants to live alone and do his own thing.

You have a right to be harsh, to a degree, if he's shutting you out. Also, you know him........we don't. If your gut is telling you something it probably holds some truth. He is definitely confusing matters by not being open with you. Just consider everything before making a decision.

Op you need to talk to him with a totally open mind. I am not sure why you haven’t already done this?
I am willing to guess you will know in the first ten minutes whether you are being played or if something is going really wrong for him,

Many of us try to hide the pain we are in when we are with friends and loved ones. Call it pride, embarrassment or even shame. Then we go home unravel and crash.

Please talk to him.

If he is in chronic pain with his back, I find it a little bit of a stretch to imagine he would up for or remotely interested in an affair or an ow. So either he is exaggerating the pain, or the affair theory isn’t correct.

Stop messaging him. Let him come to you. A recurring illness really is not fun at all. When I am ill I resent having to do things for the family I just want to be alone with a book, take my meds. and wait to recover. I am seeing a consultant next week, looks like I will need another operation. It is a miserable way to live.

Ho hum

My first thought was OW - either he already has one, or there's someone he's taken a fancy to and he wants to let her know he's now 'single'. I may be biased as my exDH did something similar: he was working in a shitty job, we had no money, and all of a sudden - he was getting ready to go on a night out (actually told me as he was doing up his cuff buttons, I remember it so clearly) - he tells me that he's worried about us, we're arguing, he's stressed … so he's rented a flat for a couple of months. Not leaving me, just needs a break. I went round to see him one day and he was wearing a polo neck - in July. Covered in love bites. I'd kept asking if there was someone else: no, of course not, don't be daft, etc. I just don't think a man would choose to leave his children - and lovely wife - unless there was another woman. I think I would have to confide in someone and have either me or friend watch the house, to see if someone else goes in.

Don’t message him anymore , sounds like he’s taking the piss and it doesn’t matter if he’s in pain or not .
Don’t call him anymore , he’s selfish

Well that’s an emotional affair. It’s totally unacceptable. No way would I put up with my dh messaging some woman!

He sounds like a completly selfish arse. I have chronic long term health conditions and there is no way I would dream of behaving like this.

He is messaging another woman up to 30 times a day? I think you have your answer. An emotional affair

What a ratbag!

How do you know she is married and in America?

How do you know she is married and in America?

Gosh, good point that didn't even occur to me!

Emotional Affair OP.. sorry

It’s whats called “a midlife crisis” but he’s trying to keep his old life open as an option, should he not like the new life he’s choosing.

Get your arse to a solicitor, start divorce proceedings on the grounds of abandonment, change all door locks beforehand and let him suffer, f he really wants you back, make him bloody well work for it and work hard. (He’s seriously taking you for a mug)