How deprived do you have to be to move in a man into your home a day of ‘knowing’ him on Facebook? *[Content warning: concerns child abuse]

Does anyone think that the MN hive mind needs to take this into account when saying "LTB"? I've seen LTB over all sorts of things which are potentially fixable. I don't mean abuse or cheating, I mean the partner, for instance, not pulling his weight domestically.

Every time you say LTB for a relationship involving biological children that is not abusive (including obviously to the children), you increase the chance that the poster's children will be abused by a step father. Food for thought?

Or if you are going to say LTB, make it clear that implicit in that is that you should remain single until your children are adults once you've done it.

There is no community, no society and no support.
This couple are the scum of the earth but what's all this blame on single mothers getting partners?
Where was this little girls dad? Did he parent her as much as he should? Pay his way and support her?
Same with all these cases, MEN are the cause.
Scum bags like this pair will sadly exist but as a society we still shame and blame single mothers and point the finger when their are poor outcomes.
When are the men who up and leave, don't pay, don't take their equal responsibility going to get blamed with the same hatefulness

But that is purely because the child was in her care.
It's like logically blaming a new driver for accident, not the owner of the car who wasn't present. Yes, owner should have reconsider lending the car but at the end of the day the car was in control of driver with DL and they are responsible. It's illogical a bit yet somehow not.

While fathers buggering off is an issue, I can't blame him for what mother with care for the child allowed. You absolutely need to shame people who have children in their care for allowing this to happen.

Agree with the community tho, but "yuck no way will i chat with neigbours" on here quite shows what's going on with that.

As pps, I also think what difference would it make if you couldn't just make kids willy nilly but had to think about it as much as childfree think about decision being child free.

@110APiccadilly I didn't realise people take the ltb seriously to be honest.
"He took last bread slice" 😱ltb

Sometimes it's clearly sarky - I don't mean those! But I've definitely seen people advised to leave for things that could be fixable.

It is a bit of a crazy thing isn't it.

Exactly. Lola was only 2 years old and reading between the lines this monster was the third “father” she’d had in her short life so where the fuck was her bio-dad in all this?

It’s all very well giving tear jerking statements after the fact, but he obviously wasn’t that interested in her while she was alive (see also Arthur’s mother, Star’s father…)or he would have done anything possible to get her out of the shithole she was living in.

James had had more support than most in these situations it seems; help to escape DV from her previous “partner” (not Lola’s father) and two goes at the Freedom programme which she couldn’t be bothered to engage with. She was warned not to let Bevan round her children by multiple people including her social worker and his ex’s mother. When will people stop excusing her “vulnerability” and accepting her culpability.

Same. I'll never live with another man while my children are at home.
Even taking abuse out of the equation, many of the 'blended family' situations we read about on here are disastrous.

Supported accommodation like this…?

https://www.brightonandhovenews.org/2020/10/23/safeguarding-review-launched-into-death-of-toddler-at-supported-housing/

Darling, that not a LTB 'crime' it's a stick him under the patio crime.

@BlusteryLake I truly believe there are numerous reasons why women behave in this way:

• low IQ
• limited emotional intelligence
• having children to secure housing
• poor upbringing with dubious role models
• no regard for education
• a distrust of professionals, from the Police to social workers to educators and everyone in between
• a sheltered existence with very limited exposure/interaction with a broad range of different families/friends/colleagues (and therefore no natural barometer of what is acceptable/‘normal’)
• no aspiration to improve/be something/be someone
• little or no interest in the benefits of early years childcare/playgroups or similar
• inability to maintain consistently good mental health and a reluctance/refusal to seek help
• putting sexual needs above the needs of children
• limited exposure to loving, healthy relationships
• chaotic and dysfunctional homes
• naivety and an inability to assess real risk

I could go on, and I believe most of us will know of someone that could meet several of the above criteria. Of course, this does not automatically put their child at critical risk. It’s a travesty that so many children centres have been shut down - sure start centres put kids on radars and were a valuable support for parents who needed guidance. There are so many other basic services that have been removed and ultimately this has led to children being put at risk.

Having a child is a privilege, not a right. I’d go so far as stating that’s it time to use the media in a more proactive way to educate parents/carers on how to raise children, the growing number of abused and murdered children in recent times is a national disgrace.

From what I've heard in the community Lola's dad was very involved.
He raised concerns but was ignored.
Unfortunately SS here always seem to favour the mother, no matter what.

There are two people directly responsible for this child’s death. Her biological father isn’t one of them. I have no idea how involved he was or wasn’t in his child’s life but as far as we know he didn’t beat her to death. He didn’t wake up in the middle of the night, hear her being beaten and then go back to sleep. He didn’t invite a complete stranger into the home he shared with his children one day after “meeting” then on social media.

He might be a feckless, absent dad. Or he might have tried to parent but felt he couldn’t for some reason. We have no idea.

When these tragedies occur we often blame “men”, “single mothers”, “social services” as if they are homogeneous, entirely culpable groups.

Let’s accept that two extremely disturbed and callous individuals are to blame.

@Eastie77Returns which is exactly my point.
Except it's been suggested it's single mothers failures for these occurring instead of seeing them as the full fault of both people involved.
A poster further down said the we should, as a community, make it unacceptable for a single mother to move a man into her home

Sorry but no, the absent parent is also to blame unless he is dead. He is as responsible for that kid as the mother, could have stayed in the picture and protected his kid but no, he washed his hands of that child.

I'm glad that she's been found guilty also. There was a very similar case locally to me where the mother moved in an abusive and drug addicted boyfriend who killed one of her kids. The child was found to have multiple old injuries including broken ribs but the mother wasn't charged. In fact, I watched the funeral and she looked like she couldn't care less.
I was shocked that only a couple of people were questioning why this man was around her kids on local Facebook pages and they soon got piled on with replies of "leave the poor mother alone, this isn't her fault". Well yes, it partially is. She didn't kill the child but she put them in a dangerous situation.

@girlfriend44 I agree with you. I think many people today don’t even realise what marriage used to be for. The Common Book of Prayer states of marriage:

‘First, It was ordained for the procreation of children’. First. FIRST.

If you are talking about the one on first page it aaid "new" and frankly it's right. Imagine the uproar if a poster came here and said Ex has moved GF of 5 days in with our kids. Actually we don't have to imagine, similar has been here and it is ALWAYS unacceptable. Which it should be.

Any parent who have children at any point of week should not be moving any new shag in. It's simple as that

How is he as responsible as the women in the same house who ignored her daughters screams over and over again in the weeks leading up to her death and on the night itself?
In what world?
Let’s face it, the father could never have forced equal access never mind custody regardless of how much he tried or how shit the mother was.

By your logic even a father who manages to get split custody is still as culpable as the partner who murders the child while on the mums time? Bullshit.

How about having a system related to benefits. So when someone applies for child benefit they have to undergo a ‘fitness to parent’ assessment, like the fitness to work assessment for claiming PIP/JSA. Problem then is what to do with all the children from those who fail the assessment.

Some women think their own value is having a boyfriend/having a baby. You see mothers with secondary school kids who are barely interested in them, who are very excited about their new babies and all the attention that goes with that.

I worked with someone who was educated and sensible (and worked in a school) who invited someone she met online to spend the weekend in her house - with her son there. Such was her desperation to have a boyfriend.

Really interesting discussion here, but I am wondering if we, as a society, do show double-standards on this topic?
It seems to me that it’s socially acceptable to berate mothers of children who have been harmed or killed by their mothers new partners, but that it isn’t socially acceptable to voice the opinion that mothers in similar situations should avoid moving new partners in, or having a succession of new partners and acting as if they are young, free and single when they have DC to look after.
We are constantly reminded that it’s a good thing that societal morals have moved on from the 1950’s, and that it’s absolutely fine that women aren’t restricted by what others think (even that those “others” shouldn’t be judgemental), but when things inevitably go wrong, we revert to judgement, anyway.
I don’t know what the answer is here - minding your own business is always heavily encouraged, but when things go wrong, and these discussions appear, it does seem that we are, as a society, mostly inclined to only voice unpopular opinions after a tragic event like this one…

How do you know he washed his hands of his child? Genuine question as the only thing I’ve heard about him is that he was involved and also raised concerns with SS, as did his mother.

Ultimately the child’s mother allowed a sadistic man to move into her house one day after meeting him. This wasn’t a long term courtship where her ex could have seen warning signs developing over a sustained period of time. However as understand it, once he and his family members saw concerning issues they contacted the authorities.

I fully agree he should have been fully involved in Lola’s life. We just don’t have the full picture of his involvement so I really don’t understand how he can be equally to blame.

We need to bear cases like this in mind when we talk on threads about pregnant teenagers. There seems to be an overwhelming narrative on here that when teens get pregnsnt, it will be the making of them, they will go on to earn s masters degree and have a stellar career and a long hapoy marriage with a new man.
When the reality is very different.

Indeed..Teen pregnancy is not a good thing. And encouraging your teens to keep unplanned babies is not being a supportive mum.