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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate party invites being given in the playground infront of the children who have not been invited,aibu.

38 replies

sweetbloom · 06/07/2010 10:41

My ds was left to look on today and the parent involved did it on purpose,I except he may not always be invited to party's, but he looked at me about the way the parent behaved ,I will explain this to him later.
I left the school quietly fuming and watching all the other mums and their kids kissing each other butts.
But aibu to think it would be better to have just asked a teacher to put in book bag aibu?, and who else hates the school playground?.

OP posts:
Poshpaws · 06/07/2010 10:46

I have only seen Junior school aged children do this.

In our school, the teachers put invitations in the bookbags. That's what has happended with DS2 and when DS1 was in the infants.

DS1 is now in YR4, so I know the parents of the children he wants to invite, so I send texts to them or hand them the invitations.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 06/07/2010 10:46

teacher is there to teach not spend twenty minutes putting invites in each bag

YANBU to be upset BUT think about your body language - you think others are kissing each others butts, I'll bet that your opinion of them LEAKS from every pore; folks ain't stupid

Possibly your playground woes are connected

Vinegar · 06/07/2010 10:50

yanbu at all, I really hate this sort of thing.I don't accept my children to be invited to every single party, but I think there are ways for parents to be discreet. Also hate inviting the whole class and leaving one child out and other similar incidents. Parties bring out the worst in people here, from leaving people out, to not rsvping, to turning up half way through a party to not turning up at all when they said they would and then never saying a thing about it!

Alambil · 06/07/2010 10:50

did every other child in the class get an invite?

if so, say something to the school about overt inviting and your child being left out; most take a dim view (we have been asked to be uber subtle or do it off-site)

if not, it's just a fact of life that you can not get an invite to every party happening and a lesson to be learnt.

Vinegar · 06/07/2010 10:50

accept, expect even!

clam · 06/07/2010 10:54

Why is it the teacher's job to organise the social lives of the class?

Original poster
sweetbloom · 06/07/2010 10:54

Ok fair enough point Boysarelikedogs about the teachers I know they have enough to do.
When I said they kiss each other butts they do generally, they have their own cliques im not in their little group,I have been polite said hello but they dont like me,dont know why dont really care ,but I get annoyed they bitch about me ,speak one day not the next and Im fed up with it, so sorry if I do not approve of them or their behavour, dont care what they do to me but dont make my ds suffer in a way I think is unkind.

OP posts:
TheMoonOnAStick · 06/07/2010 10:55

It does seem tactless to be so gushing about it in front of everyone.

Otoh I don't think it is the teachers call to get involved (although ours did, but only in reception iirc).

My dc have been on both ends in the past in so far as being left out or recipients.

I have twins - on a few occasions one has had an invite and the other not. This is absolutely fine btw. It is unfortunately yet another one of those tricky things you learn to deal with in school. And they are ok with it. I think children seem far less worried about it than the mum usually.

MarshaBrady · 06/07/2010 10:56

Oh no, the teaching assistant does take all the invitations from the bag and distribute! But smaller classes... so not so hard.

Original poster
sweetbloom · 06/07/2010 11:01

My ds is in reception,he was not the only one who did not get invited, he will be fine about it, I just did not like the way the parent involved did it.

OP posts:
mrsruffallo · 06/07/2010 11:03

You know, cliques can just be a group of friends. I don't understand all this playground tension, you only need to be there for about 5 minutes out of your whole day.

I don't think this mum was very sensitive regarding the party invitations- but honestly, you need to toughen up a bit.
And if she did do it on purpose than it's laughable, not worth worrying about

gerontius · 06/07/2010 11:05

So what did the other parent actually do that was so bad?

runnybottom · 06/07/2010 11:08

Its really hard though! I had to do this the other day for my son, hes only in junior infants so it was all new to me. He's not allowed ask the teacher to do it, he's not allowed to bring them into school, the only option I had was to do it in the playground at line up time. I tried really hard to be discreet and give them to the parents, but I didn't know half of them and had to keep asking my son which kid was which...it was awful. There was one boy who was sort of hanging out next to me and I didn't know if he was on my list, he wasn't and I don't think he was happy, I felt awful.

I left the playground in a cold sweat, glad I don't have to do it for another year (and hopefully do it better )

gotareason · 06/07/2010 11:11

Your ds 'looked at you about the way the parent behaved'. Really? A reception aged child - I very much doubt it. This is about you and your feelings of being excluded. It rings alarm bells to me that you are going to 'explain' it to him later. If you do that you are going to make him as neurotic as you seem to be. He's got a long time at school, please don't do that to him.

Vinegar · 06/07/2010 11:14

sweetbloom-I do know how you feel. It used to upset me alot when this used to happen to dd, it still does but not as much as it used to. I think alot of times it was the unfairness that used to infuriate me, dd was not invited not because she wasn't friends with the child, but because of some friendship politics where parents would invite children of other parents whom they were friends with, or not call yours because they weren't so keen on you. Not having any family or friends nearby and having being left out as a child myself I think I let it upset me disproportinately. I've realised over the years that dd forget about it pretty quickly, it's just me mulling over it due to my insecurities. Make a point of doing something else nice with you ds on the day of the party and try not to thing about it.

queenceleste · 06/07/2010 11:14

yanbu.
It's acutely painful when your child is rejected, I really empathise. Many of us feel irrational pain when this happens.

All I can say is that it gets easier as they get older and that rejection is part of life. The best thing we can do as parents is be stoic and accepting and distract. Just shrug and move on if you can. Your example/reaction is key. If you act like it's the end of the world that's what he'll learn.

I always try to give out invites discreetly so no one's nose is rubbed in it.

Can't ask the teacher really, they are so swamped with stuff to do.

It does get easier. And ime, very few kids are invited to all parties as time goes on. The parties get smaller.

Original poster
sweetbloom · 06/07/2010 11:18

Gotareason all I will say to my son is sometimes you dont always get invited to things,end of, I would not explain the actions of the mother.
So dont tell me how to parent thank you.

OP posts:
clam · 06/07/2010 11:24

Gotareason was trying to help.
Sounds like this is about a lot more than "just" party invitations.

gerontius · 06/07/2010 11:26

So what would you have preferred this other woman to do with her party invites?

Original poster
sweetbloom · 06/07/2010 11:33

Thank you for the nice words Vinegar, Im upset I will admit,you would of had to been there to understand the way it was done it hurt me to see my son hurt,thats being a mum mum, glad you understand thanks.
I appreciate life isnt fair and thats the way the cookie crumbles, Its just this particular mum and her friend they are unpleasant.
I just dont know how to deal with it, I can deal with my son not always being invited to parties and so will he.

OP posts:
gerontius · 06/07/2010 11:35

What was the way it was done? How else is she supposed to give out her invites if not in the playground?

FranSanDisco · 06/07/2010 11:37

It doesn't matter where they are handed out as the chidlren talk about who is invited. Ds has often come home and said his invitation was lost . I have known parents to appraoch party host mother and ask if the invitation was lost!!! FFS! If numbers are limited and your child doesn't play with party child then they have to learn that they may not be invited. As a parent you set the example and make light of it. I usually ask ds if he would invite that child to his party and he usually sees where I'm coming from. Don't make it a bigger issue than it is as your child has a lot of school years ahead of him.

Poshpaws · 06/07/2010 11:42

I agree with SFD. I know parents who have asked why their child was not invited to a party .

I actually had a mum ask me when I was going to invite her DS round to play with DS2 . I was so stunned (and what with her DS standing right in front of me} I said 'Erm, soon'. She then got her diary out.....

FranSanDisco · 06/07/2010 11:45

Poshpaws, I have had this too!! I usually say 'I'll check when I'm not busy' and then avoid them.

Vinegar · 06/07/2010 11:46

sweetbloom - is there any way you can time your arrival at the playground to be just when they open the gates? You could then just whisk your son away and avoid seeing these mums. I remember when dd joined reception there was a group of mums who just blanked me. They would even talk to the person right next to me and ignore me, even though I tried to smile/make eye contact. One mums dd and mine were good friends, but dd wasn't invited to her party. Things have changed now and I do chat to alot of mums at the school gate, but I do remember how that felt and it did put a downer on my day. Are there any other mums you could chat to and ignore what is going around you? If not I think the rush in rush out strategy is the best.
I know these things may sound trivial, but it's the little things that can get you down when you are a bit down in the first place - easy to brush off when you are happy and have lots of support.