to not want to do training on something that I’m not sure even exists?

[pastiesh]

AIBU to want to just get on with my work, and not be requested to participate in 3 hours (over 3 days) of training on something which I think it a bit irrelavant to me? We have recently had to have some training on ?Post Adoption Depression Syndrome? as a colleague who has recently adopted, and is coming back to work, is claiming to be suffering from it. I?m just a bit annoyed that work time is taken up with this, at a time when me and most of my colleagues are especially busy with lots of projects on, just to pussyfoot around someone who has a new baby - like so many of us have!! When I had my baby, no one did training on how to deal with my PND.
To be perfectly honest, after listening to all the training and doing a bit of reading myself, I just think it?s another example of this crazy PC world we now live in, and while she may be struggling with becoming a parent, I think it?s a bit insulting to compare it to Post Natal Depression, as that is hormonal and physiological and I fail to see how the two can be compared. I would never say all this to her, or to anyone at work (which is why I wanted to vent on here, really) and I probably am being a bit unreasonable, but she is just one member of a thirty-strong workforce, and I feel as though we are being taken away from important work, just to be seen to be doing the right thing - and something I?m not even sure exists outside of the politically correct brigade.

And Kewcumber - how hard is it to struggle as a ?new? parent with practical things like pushchairs and carseats, when you?ve got a ready-grown child/toddler and not a newborn - people think you should have sussed it out by then. And for me, the constant fear of feeling judged is ever-present, along with the fear that social services will work out you?re not perfect and take him away!
Adopting a baby is quite the most fantastic and terrifying thing that I have ever done - and our 3-year journey from info evening to placement was filled with fear, doubt, tears and constant raging doubt that we were never ever going to be good enough for any child to compensate for them losing their birth family.
Years of building up a perfect family image, and a ?pregnancy and labour? that was conducted on paper, in meetings, with foster carers, medical advisors, social workers and constant assessment on whether or not we were good enough, leading to the unadulterated joy of matching panel and the crashing reality 5 short days later of meeting the stranger?s baby who would become our son, are - in my opinion - a very real recipe for some very difficult, tearful and troubled times. I think the poster who said that your company are overcompensating for the lack of support shown to your colleague earlier in the process, got it spot on. Well thank goodness she?s getting something from them now!

oh yes lots of preparation - better prepared for paretnhood than the majority of parents. But really, who is ever prepared for the chicking responsibiloty of another human being married with very little sleep?

I was not prepared for the inital lack of bonding though, all adoption blogs I'd read talked about falling in love at first sight and I felt totally useless and inadequate that I didn't. Its one of the reasons I was a little more honest in my blog.

I'd forgotten about the time that ds had started to lose his self-soothing rock but hadn't yet learnt to trust me enough to be comforted by me. Not a good time for either of us . Having your child unable to be cuddled by you and take comfort is heartbreaking even if you aren't yet bonded, you feel so helpless.

But it was all part of our journey together and I wouldnt change it except for the bit where DS processes that I am not his only mother. That I would change if I could - for his sake.

I would out up with any degree of PND to have been able to give birth to him and avoid him coming to terms with that loss.

"chicking" - oops shocking - typing fast.

Oh and the poster on another thread who said they couldn;t imagine being able to love an adopted child as much as a birth child. The issue in my view being her lack of imagination.

Sterry - lol about the support netwrok - I don;t think anyone on mine has spoken more than 2 words to me since the home study!

I'm a bit of a bitch, aren't I?

I'm pontificating now so will shut up but I feel much better having got it all out

Some incredibly open and moving posts here - I hope they have made some people sit up and listen.

As for men not getting PND, I will get on to my esteemed colleagues at the British Medical Journal and the Lancet right away to say some woman on mumsnet doesn't think that men get postnatal depression so all of their evidence must be wrong...

Not a bitch, pastiesh, just not aware of the processes - and a bit unnecessarily forthright

Kewcumber has posted so eloquently.

I hope the OP is at least questioning her rather dubious attitudes.

ReasonableDoubt I agree that it might be off the mark to try to make unsympathetic comparisons between PAD and PND but I am still gobsmakcked that the company deems it necessary to train everyone about this one woman's problem.

Surely it would suffice to discreetly let it be known that "X has had a hard time and might be struggling right now so try to cut her some slack and be sympathetic" - rather than turn this in to a training issue.

ZZZenAgain hit the nail on the head with an earlier post when she pointed out that lots of people might have personal issues that could affect their work but this does not ususally require all staff to train in those issues.

Pastiesh has clearly no idea how difficult and lengthy the adoption process is, nor the hurdles one has to jump just in order to get through. To add to all of that, quite often the children in the care system are damaged and have been exposed to some level of neglect. All of which can lead to challenging behaviour which is very difficult for any parent to equip them selves for and deal with.

I have myself adopted and have been quite fortunate that my placement has gone very smoothly, there are many who are not so fortunate and unlike having your own children where you have 9 months to adapt your life and get used to the idea of a baby, I had 9 weeks to sort out my work, replacement and get ready for a 13 month old baby.

Whilst I am not belittling the impact of hormones and post natal depression, those that are clearly ignorant of adoption should be mindful that depression and difficulties in adjusting to life as a parent and one with a damaged child is very real and very difficult. Whilst it may be overwhelming and hard to get used to a new born, imagine how difficult it must be to get a neglected child with all his or her baggage, they already have a personality and are a complete stranger to you as you are to them.

I would love to know who is doing said training. I've never heard of a specific training course on PAD even a 20 min one (it was covered in about 5 mins on our adoption course) never mind a three hour one

OP are you sure that you haven't got the wrong end of the stick and that it's a general training course on how depression affects people at work?

Good point, kewcumber. I don't even remember having PAD "training" on prep group. I'm not sure our social worker has ever discussed it with us either - not calling it PAD, anyway!

It seems very strange that the whole workforce needs training in order to deal with one person who is depressed.

How does this help the depressed person?

I'd never even heard of PAD until I read it on here. And I've had a lot of training on mental health related things.

Thank you for the personal experiences, they're very moving. There are a lot of similarities between what the adopters have described and my own experience of PND after a biological birth, and it makes complete sense to me why there would be.

I do agree that whole team training in PAD is a bit BUT

It shouldnt really take much imagination or intelligence to work out why/how someone can become incredibly depressed after adoption.

The majority of adopters have gone through years of infertility treatment, then the have to deal with the fact its not going to work. Then they have to think about adoption. THEN they have to go through the bloody process which can take years and is very stressful and invasive.

Then they get this child, the child they have longed for. This child very probably has a shed load of issues that need to be dealt with. Even if its a tiny baby.

BUT because they have gone through years and years of trying to get this far they have to love this kid. Even if the kid pees on the floor and rips up its clothes and sticks pins in the family dog.

This sort of behaviour often comes after a few weeks of bliss and perfect behaviour.

There is no HV, no red book, no group of cooing mums welcoming the new arrival a the local mum and baby group. Infact if you admit that your child is adopted you usually get one of two reactions 'oooh arent you good to take him/her?' or 'oh'

How would you feel if I said PND was rubbish because it didnt compare to the depression I had after my DD died?

Competitive depression? I have seen it all now.

Personally I amazed so few people get PAD.

In my haste to get that out I forgot to say

Brilliant post Kew as ever (can you guess who I am yet

Dont get the sleepless nights? Hahahahahahaha!

Hah!

Ah Kew I remember reading about your adoption being finalised. You're ace, what you've done is amazing.

yanbu!!! that's bonkers. everyone has their own rubbish to deal with, but it's not customary to train work colleagues in each of our various problems. should we all have 3 hrs training on divorce depression if a colleague gets divorced?

the bit when the adopted child/ baby arrives is usually, but not always, the good part.

sounds like this colleague needs a good fewe weeks+ off work, and her employers are feeling guilty about not giving it to her. as you say this training makes them look like they're doing the 'right thing'.

ps want to say i'm not saying adoption depression doesn't exist at all, just that it seems odd to have formal training on colleagues' problems.

We had the 2nd day of the training today - tbh it was more of a briefing than a training, (as someone said earlier) and it wasn?t all about post adoption stress - it was also about other forms of depression/stress/work-related difficulties/mental health issues.
The 1st session, however, was ALL about post adoption stress, and although my colleague hasn?t been named, it is obvious that her experience and recent adoption has sparked the training off, and that?s why they?re running it. Which, as I said before, was also confirmed to me by senior management. We are due to have another session sometime next week.
I still think it?s a massive pain in the arse, and I genuinely don?t feel any more sympathetic/empathetic to her situation through the training - although have felt humbled by reading some of the posts on here, notably the experiences of sterryerryo and kewcumber. I still have my own personal feelings and doubts about this syndrome, but will keep them to myself, and will be nothing but supportive when she returns to work.

Pastiesh words fail me! You read all the posts on here and still think that Post Adoption Depression doesn't exist and that the training is waste of time. Blimey you're all heart.

hobnobsaremyfave - I meant that the training hasn?t opened my eyes to anything - the posts on here have!

Wow. Some brutally honest and endearing stories, well done ladies for such brilliant writing.

but

Pastiesh : "I still have my own personal feelings and doubts about this syndrome" - sorry what?

My point exactly Loopy but the OP seems to be choosing to ignore

I did answer you, hobnobs - perhaps it didn?t come over very well. I did say that the posts on here were humbling. I DO have doubts about the syndrome - and those doubts are based on the training I have received at work. I don?t doubt that adoptive parents struggle and are prone to stress-related issues and depression, but I just have certain unanswered questions about the Post Adoption Depression Syndrome, and still hold a belief that it is more of a label than an actual ?thing?. Nobody I know has ever heard of it, and it seems (again from the training) as though it is a case of ?depression by a different name? rather than a medically recognised syndrome