to not want to do training on something that I’m not sure even exists?

[pastiesh]

AIBU to want to just get on with my work, and not be requested to participate in 3 hours (over 3 days) of training on something which I think it a bit irrelavant to me? We have recently had to have some training on ?Post Adoption Depression Syndrome? as a colleague who has recently adopted, and is coming back to work, is claiming to be suffering from it. I?m just a bit annoyed that work time is taken up with this, at a time when me and most of my colleagues are especially busy with lots of projects on, just to pussyfoot around someone who has a new baby - like so many of us have!! When I had my baby, no one did training on how to deal with my PND.
To be perfectly honest, after listening to all the training and doing a bit of reading myself, I just think it?s another example of this crazy PC world we now live in, and while she may be struggling with becoming a parent, I think it?s a bit insulting to compare it to Post Natal Depression, as that is hormonal and physiological and I fail to see how the two can be compared. I would never say all this to her, or to anyone at work (which is why I wanted to vent on here, really) and I probably am being a bit unreasonable, but she is just one member of a thirty-strong workforce, and I feel as though we are being taken away from important work, just to be seen to be doing the right thing - and something I?m not even sure exists outside of the politically correct brigade.

I see

"I just don't think adopting a baby can possibly induce the same level or intensity of depression as having your own baby"

Actually you have stopped after "think" and the sentence would have been equally valid.

zzzen maybe I will when I have calmed down.7 - PAD is beleived to be more comman than PND though people are more reluctant to talk about it (can;t think why after this OP )

OP are there any other things you don't beleive because you haven't experienced them. Just out of interest?

Im adopted and my mother suffered from it.

It may not be triggered by the same things as PND but I assure you it exists. In my mothers case she had to endure 10 years of Painful physical examinations (to confirm infertility),facing soul destroying and intrusive adoption panels, snide remarks about fertility issues/adoption from family and 'friends' (she still gets it now and im 26!). After my parents were accepted as suitable to adopt they then had to wait 5 years with no news and then they got a phone call..... 10 whole days notice before i was brought home!

She was riding a wave of crusing emotions, surviving on nervous energy for a whole decade, and a few months after i arrived it all came crashing down.

I am not going to comment on the fact you have been requested to do this training, just that i hope when she does return you will treat her with a bit of compassion and understanding.

so what training has been given to accommodate other people's pnd/clinical depression etc?

And whether post adoption depression exists or not, it is not the same as pnd purely due to the fact that adopting is not the same as giving birth, in terms of that you rarely get to adopt a baby, so the baby comes into your life at a different stage of its development and therefore the process is different, iyswim. You don't suddenly have the feeding issues/the sleep deprivation/the feeling of being battered and bruised following the birth - adoption comes with a whole different set of issues.

. Can you imagine if the situation were reversed and someone who had suffered from post adoption depression were asked to relate in terms of someone who had pnd?

Think the op is being given a hard time tbh. It's one thing to empathize with someone who has suffered from depression, whatever has triggered it, it's quite another to ask someone to relate their unrelated experiences to seemingly tick some company box.

Given the company appear to have not been as forthcoming with empathy in the process running up to the adoption, I wonder if there are legal forces at work here.

Men don't get post natal depression. They may experience depression after becoming a father, but that is not post natal depression, given that they have not given birth and the word postnatal or postpartum specifically to the mother.

As for the OP, I think she's talking some shite too, but 3 hours training for all staff for a collegues specific depression? Bollocks to that!

"but my issue is still that the 2 things are not comparable"

It is YOU doing the comparing.

wannabe I see it in much the same way that someone with depression could relate/support in some way to someone with PND and vice versa.

Zzzenagain
"if I had depression, I don't think I would like it if all the 30 people I worked with were on a course learning about it

I would feel embarrassed going back tbh. At least I'd feel really uncomfortable"

I know that IME having work colleagues know about my depression made work so much easier, it meant I could take some of the pressure off of myself.

Adopting a baby is incredibly difficult, emotional, draining and stressful, and although I didn?t suffer from PADS, a friend of mine did, and it was very real and awful - particularly because no one around her knew how to help her deal with it. I struggled also, initially, when my son came home, and to be honest, there was and still is a lot of loneliness for us. The thing is, adoption is still rare, and many people - families/friends/colleagues don?t have the first clue how to deal with it. There was no baby shower for me, only a few people sent cards or gifts, and so many family members stayed away from us, that our son has no real relationship with his own grandparents (on DH?s side). Couple this with depression, and everyone all around you denying it?s existence AND the little ?non-biological? life that you are suddenly responsible for, and have to bond with - and all of a sudden the 3-hours ?training? doesn?t seem quite so intrusive. As an adopter myself, we had 6 days of intensive training plus a year of home assessment before we were sent to a panel of people before whom we had to prove that we could potentially one day be decent parents. 3 hours is nothing, and I think you should thank your lucky stars you work for a progressive company and you have been lucky enough to gain some information that may help you to support a colleague through what are undoubtedly going to be difficult times for her.

I've suffered with PND and I've adopted.

I'm so very tempted to swear at you... just typed it, but I'm not going to... although I feel you deserve it.

And WannaBe - my son was 16 weeks old when he came home, so although I didn?t have physical problems from a birth, I?m certainly up to speed with sleep issues, feeding etc!

But wannaBe, who has said Post Adoption Depression Syndrome is the same thing as PND? It sounds as if it is the OP who is taking offence at the whole concept of PADS because she thinks it is a made-up, 'me too' attempt by adoptive parents to compare their situation with that of biological mothers (i.e. parents with their 'own baby').

I already said that this company sounds bizarre, but I think we're not getting a full picture about what is going on there and why. But however misjudged the training might be, it doesn't justify the OP's sneering at a new mother with depression.

It's clear the reason this training is happening is because your employers have fucked up with their attitude towards this colleague, and it's clear that there is some attitude adjustment required so the training is obviously justified.

It's just the same situation as people having diversity training if there are some ingrained crap attitudes to race/sexuality.

but there are two separate issues here, surely?

Some people become depressed after giving birth. Some people become depressed after adopting a baby. Some people become depressed for other unrelated reasons. I think it's fair to acknowledge that and to empathize with anyone going through it, whatever the trigger.

However, it seems that for some reason this particular colleague is being singled out and that her colleagues are all receiving training on her particular type of depression. Why is this? And more to the point, where do you draw the line? If someone suffers from pnd should they be able to insist their colleagues receive three hours training on it? If someone becomes disabled/bereaved/goes through a financial crisis and the list goes on.

It is horrible for this woman if she is suffering from post adoption depression. But I don't think it's unreasonable of colleagues to question why she is being singled out in particular and why they are being required to undergo training about her type of depression in particular, and to ask whether all peoples' problems will be treated with a three hour training course for all colleagues.

hester the op said that she was asked in the course to relate her own experiences of pnd in terms of the other colleague's situation.

wannabe I don't think that is so unreasonable for them to ask. As a mother who has dealt with depression (post natal or otherwise) she has more in common with, well, another mother with depression.

I work in insurance and i smell a rat here - I think the firm are worried that she will return to work and then either go off with stress or other illness and blame it on them and claim constructive dismissal - if they are seen to be being sympathetic to her feelings it covers them from a negligence point of view.
My earlier post was perhaps a little harsh but I felt in most private sector businesses this sort of training would never happen - I must add I work for a very small firm - less than 10 people.
It is clear from OP that her employer has not been at all supportive during the adoptive process - think they are closing the stable door!

My DH lost his job because things at home were so hard after DD came home. The depression wasn't confined to me. We had (unjustified) expectations of a perfect little family which didn't correspond in any way to this little scrap with a violent temper and a penchant for smearing faeces over her cot and wall, who didn't want to know us.

Luckily, we got support, and are still getting it after 8 years... hope your colleague is as fortunate as we have been in that respect... and that you keep your thoughts to yourself.

Training is a waste of odd agree with wannbe about that and that there may be legal motives... com[any worried they are going to have their ass sued. (not that it would work)

I lost a friend when I adopted. Sent her a letter with a few other friends telling them about the adoption going ahead and se never sopke to me again (had been friends for years and had bonded over my IVF and her miscarriage so pretty robust friendship I thought). She explained to a mutual friend that she didn't know what to say so never spoke to me again.

Have been called selfish for adopting. Have been asked if I was his real mother within earshot of DS who then asked me the same question.

Brought a pregrown child home with no NCT buddies, no pregnancy network, I had a child with high rsk factors so was anxious about that. I was sleep deprived dealing with a child that I didn't yet love, received less maternity pay than fellow "birthers", was supposed to have had all my problems solved by this adoption, scared to mention feelings of being overwhelmed to social worker in case it affected the adoption. Baby wouldn't make eye contact with me for weeks and screamed blue bloody murder for the first hour of meeting and started again everytime we made eye contact for about another hour after that - then I left and was shaking from the intensity of it.

I felt guilty about not falling in love at first sight with this beautiful boy and terribly terribly guilty and sad that he couldn't stay with birth family. What I wanted so desperately came at the cost of someone elses dreadful pain - I still feel that "survivors" guilt but have learned to live with it. I felt this lovely boy deserved better than a rather imperfect single mother like me. I had worked all my lofe and was suddenly at home with no support network - incidentaly one of the risk factors for PND (hey if PND is entirely hormonal why are situational factors used to predict propensity to PND not a hormone test?)

In my case additionally I was half a world away on my own and making one of the most major decisions of my life.

When we were home, some of the people who were most vocal in supporting the adoption never once rang to see how I was getting on or visited (though lovely MN'ers did).

Some people seem to think its easier to be dealing with a new child that isn't new born - try giving your 1/2/3 year old to a complete stranger for a few weeks and see how they get on .

But perhaps you can just dismiss all that as me just being "politically correct" and not a reason for depression (do feel free to drop the "post adoption" bit if it somehow makes it more acceptible to you)

iamamug - spot on, I think you've hit the nail on the head.

I agree with iamamug. I don't understand why they are doing it and if our senior managers asked me to initiate something like this on the basis of an individual I would be very suspicious and also concerned about the impact on the person.

Kewcumber I salute you ! that is one of the most honest and moving posts I have ever read and sums up nicely that the OP is an arse.

sounds very hard indeed Kewcumber. Had you been prepared for that in any real way? Tbh I have never thought about it being that hard

wow kew. I hear you about the "no-support-network" The support network map that we had to take to panel looked fantastic on paper, with all these fabulous people who were going to be there for us whenever and whatever. Hmmm? the reality very different. The thing is, people in the main, don?t always understand the difficulties specific to adoptive families, and many of them choose to stay away rather than deal with them. That?s why I said that whatever the reasons behind the company providing this training are, at least it is being discussed. I?m hoping that she isn?t named and that not all staff members know her specific issues

"You don't suddenly have the feeding issues/the sleep deprivation" - yes you do. Feedin issues and sleep issues are two of the most common problme in adopted children. DS avoided the majority of feeding problems but suffered terrible sleep issues adn still gets them when he is stressed by change.

Sleeplessness doesn't feel any different because its a 1 yr old waking not a 2 week old.

Bruised and hormonal are a fair point and I NEVEr tried to argue that I was having as hard a time as someone with a new born (partly because I never realised had any point) but no-one ever came to cook for me or brought food over in fact most people came, drank tea, ate my food and buggered off wihtout clearing up afetr them.

I can remember sobbing over an errant pram the first week I was home with DS becasue I could;t control it and DS who had never been on a pram before had his own opinions on it as well as an opinions on car seats. he rarely slept during the day except one nap which I was so desparate for that if he wouldn;t sleep I used to cry over him in the ecot/

Dammit, Kewcumber- I never applaud and now you've just made me do it for a second time on one thread.