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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that being a parent is, actually, the hardest thing in the world?

113 replies

bibbitybobbityhat · 04/07/2010 20:33

Just had a bit of a lightbulb moment where it struck me that all the old cliches about parenthood are actually TRUE and that it is tremendously difficult to be a good parent all the time and no one really thanks you even if you pull out all the stops? And sometimes, just sometimes, you get tired of putting the needs of your child before your own?

OP posts:
Jamieandhismagictorch · 05/07/2010 14:56

.. should add that I found my DSs toddler years very hard- I empathise with what you say about being anxious and almost treading on eggshells.

Imisssleeping · 05/07/2010 15:13

I am a single parent, with a 2 year old and no I don't think it's the hardest job at all.

I have a lovely time with him, meeting friends, going for walks. I'm my own boss, nobody to answer to, no deadlines or paperwork. I feel like I'm on a bit of a holiday most of the time.

It's important, rewarding, tiring, but not hard.

Serenata · 05/07/2010 15:21

I agree with jamieandhismagictorch. It is worrying about the implications for the future of "bad" behaviour now that is a major source of the stress. That and not getting enough "me" time. It gets easier as they grow older and me time comes back. And the kids seem to be turning out not so bad despite the mistakes and the fears. They don't need you to be perfect. Parenting is like every other worthwhile job - boring, stressful a lot of the time, but if it feels like that all the time maybe you need some help.

PS Can I ask mums on this thread to read my posting on media/nonmember messages? Many thanks.

mommmmyof2 · 05/07/2010 15:29

sorry to hear that so many people feel miserable at the moment,
it is a hard job,tiring and i sometimes think i could walk out the door when everything is on top of me. But then i look at them sleeping or just playing and i thank my lucky stars i have them and that they are both happy and healthy.
I don't think anyone gets it right all the time, i don't and don't pretend to.
I do think there are a lot of hard things in the world, i guesse just being a parent is a none stop job that's why people get so stressed. We can't say we are on our break, but i would never be without myh children
And sunny very sorry for you and your family

mayorquimby · 05/07/2010 15:29

yabu
there's loads of things which are harder than being a parent.
I'd wager being a doctor is harder, there's loads of training and expertise involved, being a parent just happens and has done so for a long long time.

DrSuze2010 · 05/07/2010 15:48

I think the hardest thing about parenting is the 'letting them go' when they are older...remember - they're only on loan to you really. I remind myself of this when I am found holding a G&T sobbing next to the high chair...not so much yummy mummy as slummy mummy! Honest!

OrdinarySAHM · 05/07/2010 16:12

Well it's not literally the hardest thing in the world but it is very hard at times. I've been thinking the same today. The lows are quite low, but there are also highs which are really good that balance them out.

NicknameTaken · 05/07/2010 16:16

I don't really understand the need to be a Perfect Parent. Think of your own parents - is that honestly a standard you think they should have lived up to? It actually seems quite oppressive to me, because how could you (the child) ever live up to that standard when you grow up?

If you (as a parent) can manage kind and affectionate, surely that's enough?

I'm with darcymum in setting the bar low. Quite seriously, it's better to relax and try to enjoy it rather than be consumed with anxiety the whole time.

lillybloom · 05/07/2010 17:16

Vintage, I work with ASD kids in Scotland. There are a few centres. we just set up a place for a 17 year old the last week of term. Where in Scotland are you I can maybe help.

Sorry to high jack the thread

RooTwo · 05/07/2010 17:28

High expectations are definitely a large part of the problem I think - agree with NicknameTaken. I remember reading someone on Mumsnet once suggesting that a good way to deal with potentially explosive situations with children was to imagine that you are being filmed for some reality TV show and so try to remain calm so that you don't end up screaming and yelling on the telly - at first this struck me as a good idea but now I realise it's completely the opposite. It sets up completely unachievable standards for behaviour - it's totally impossible to be an angelic parent all the time, and there is no need to be either. 'Good enough' is another one of those phrases that I think we all need to carry with us - not super perfect.

Maria2007loveshersleep · 05/07/2010 18:27

I agree about setting the bar low & having relatively low expectations. Oh! And having a life outside children.

I also think that the way children turn out (as adults) is determined by the way there parents treated them only partly. There are wonderful, balanced, intelligent, affectionate people who had a horrid upbringing. Then there are people who have all sorts of issues (for various reasons) and had a 'normal' upbringing. Unfortunately- or fortunately- it can't really be predicted, in a linear sense, how a child will turn out. Our personalities & circumstances are determined by such a wide variety of things. Parenting only one of them. We as parents do the best we can and that's all that matters, and it's usually enough.

Maria2007loveshersleep · 05/07/2010 18:28

(oops! 'their parents treated them') Please please please can we have an 'edit' thingie??!!

EnglandAllenPoe · 05/07/2010 18:53

i have had one harder job possibly. but then, i am yet to pop number 3 and the other two still go to bed at 7pm so i may have harder times ahead....

so i think it can be a very hard job, depends on your situation.

and we all have crap days.

vintage · 05/07/2010 19:15

lillybloom thank you,South Lanarkshire

lovechoc · 05/07/2010 19:31

we are only human and sometimes we crumble when things are not going well with parenting our DC - been there

It is the hardest job in the world, you never get any break from it and when you do get a break, you worry like mad about them when they're not with you.

Original poster
bibbitybobbityhat · 05/07/2010 19:54

Thanks for everyones thoughts.

I just want to reassure people that my bar is already set quite low .

I am quite strict with my dc and I put my needs before theirs sometimes. They are absolutely lovely. Really wonderful children.

However, sometimes they push me over the limits of exasperation and anger. In order not to, in the immortal words of Philip Larkin, fuck them up, I need to find a way of dealing with that without damaging them forever.

On Mumsnet I read a lot of angst about being a parent. And a lot from the people who have been damaged by their parents, who do not love them, who want to cut themselves off.

It would be disastrous for me if my dc were unable to forgive me the many many mistakes I make in our day to day lives. Really, devastating.

We walk a fine line between being over-involved in our dc lives and appearing disinterested.

The result of failure is too onerous to contemplate when it comes to parenting, and this is why I feel being a parent is the hardest job in the world (in our priviliged and comfortable First World society, anyway).

OP posts:
feralgirl · 05/07/2010 20:10

YA definitely NBU! Today 19 mo DS has:

  1. Woken up at 5am for the day.
  1. Wriggled out of his nappy during his nap and woken up howling in a puddle of wee.
  1. Refused to eat anything except Ella's Kitchen Veg Bake and raisins.
  1. Screamed blue murder when put into his car seat, his high chair and his stroller.
  1. Kicked off both his shoes as we were going around the village so I had to go back around again to find them.
  1. Had a tantrum because I wouldn't let him take his rabbit soft toy in the bath.
  1. Had a tantrum because I wouldn't let him throw all his clothes in the bath.
  1. Weed all over me in the bath and then laughed.

I have never been so glad to put him to bed and I don't bloody feel guilty about saying it. I'm a secondary teacher and I deal with mardy teens all day; I thought that one toddler would be totally do-able but, my god, it is just the hardest thing in the world.

tethersend · 05/07/2010 20:24

feralgirl, I too am a secondary teacher with a 19mo and you have just spoken my mind

Altinkum · 05/07/2010 20:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oblomov · 05/07/2010 21:32

Its a job i wish i hadn't taken. if i had known it was going to be this hard, i don't think i'd have done it. and this is not how i feel at the moment, its how i've felt for he last few years.

lillybloom · 05/07/2010 21:43

Vintage- Get in touch with Autism Society just now they have lots of info. I work in Glasgow but live in Lanarkshire will start phoning around tomo and see whats avaiable.

AliGrylls · 05/07/2010 21:57

feralgirl, curious to know if after putting your DC to bed do you ever have that feeling that you miss them oh so slightly or am I still in the first flush of love with my DS? He has just turned a year. Will it get worse?

GothAnneGeddes · 06/07/2010 00:06

Ali - DD is 18mo. Sometimes I can't wait for bedtime, other times I'll want to run upstairs and get her up again.

I do find my job harder and more stressful than being a parent.

TechLovingDad · 06/07/2010 00:08

It's very difficult. The crap thing is that you won't know how good a job you've done until they are older and you see how they lead their lives.

How many other jobs give you no feedback for 18 years?

BridesheadRegardless · 06/07/2010 00:21

Ali, mine sre 10 and 7yrs, I cannot wait for mine to go to bed at night so I can relax, then I miss them and cannot wait to see them again in the morning, which pretty much sums it up for me!

I think many on this thread are confusing the 'hardest' thing with the 'worst' thing.

I think being a parent is the hardest thing I've done but also the best thing.

To make the comparisons with deathbeds of relatives and disaater situations is really missing the point.

It's so hard, because it's all consuming in every sense. It takes over your life in a way that nothing else does, it brings an intense love which creates an intense fear.

I've never been fearful till I becaoem a parent now I live in fear, that anything could evere hapen to them, that I'm not doing things right, that they are not happy, that they will not be happy forever, that i cannot always protect them, that my own flaws and failures will impact on them.

Bibbity, the being so angry you don'twant to speak to them is a scenario I've done and tortured myself with. i've been so angry on a handful of occasions that i've screamed in rage, and i could cry now thnking of it.

before i had kids I'd never felt such intense love, or anger, or fear, or guilt, or pride.

I love being a mother it's the best thing i've ever done,but also the hardest.

With marriage coming in at a close second!