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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that being a parent is, actually, the hardest thing in the world?

113 replies

bibbitybobbityhat · 04/07/2010 20:33

Just had a bit of a lightbulb moment where it struck me that all the old cliches about parenthood are actually TRUE and that it is tremendously difficult to be a good parent all the time and no one really thanks you even if you pull out all the stops? And sometimes, just sometimes, you get tired of putting the needs of your child before your own?

OP posts:
Meglet · 04/07/2010 21:10

YANBU. More so if the child is ill.

I'm permanently terrified something is going to happen to the dc's or to me or I'm going to screw them up for life.

TheFallenMadonna · 04/07/2010 21:12

Blimey. Once in 9 years!!

Now that is unreasonably infrequent.

Chil1234 · 04/07/2010 21:13

"And sometimes, just sometimes, you get tired of putting the needs of your child before your own?"

What's 'U' (as in 'unrealistic' rather than 'unreasonable') is the assumption that you have to do this 100% of the time. Not saying jet off to Malaga and leave a toddler with a tin-opener and a shilling for the gas... Making time for yourself is good for the soul and also allows junior to see that you are a 'proper person'.

It's not difficult to be a good parent all the time... it's totally impossible (except for these childless morons that write books on how to be the perfect parent, it seems). So don't try being 'good'.. aim for 'reasonable' or even 'not bad'. Make mistakes & shrug your shoulders. Take the pressure off yourself to perform and you'll feel a lot better about the whole thing.

piscesmoon · 04/07/2010 21:14

You have to remember that your DCs want you-they don't want the 'perfect' parent, who would probably be hell to live with!
Benign neglect is a good thing. Everyone has bad days-just apologise to them and move on. You can look at a family and think they are perfect and you have no idea what is going on under the surface! It is hard but 'good enough' is fine!

StarExpat · 04/07/2010 21:16

inchhigh - do you have children?

bibbity - I agree with you. It's not the day to day that is such hard work and it's so tiring...etc., it's the whole concept and the emotional energy required that you know will last a lifetime and while parenting is something you love more than anything in the world and want to give every bit of yourself to it, you also have a few moments of take a step back and look at the big picture and think "wow, while I love these dc more than anything, this is really an enormous, difficult, never ending project"

darcymum · 04/07/2010 21:24

Just relax, do a really half arsed job like me and then its easy .

sunny2010 · 04/07/2010 21:24

thanks. I think that there isnt any reason to not have your own life when you have kids. I see nothing wrong with doing things that interest me when the children are asleep. I arrange for my parents or friends to take her so I can have a break. I have no problem with her being in nursery and I have never worried about most things that are posted on things like this. I formula fed, I put my child in nursery at 4 months, she frequently amuses herself whilst I sit and read etc.

I only have 1 at the moment who is 2 but I think the problem most parents have is unrealistic expectations put on them to have perfect kids all the time. I dont think I subscribe to that or the judgey mentality that some parents have as from working with children I have seen how much they vary but EVERY single one of them pushes boundaries at least some of the times even the 'good' ones.

All I think I am trying to say is have faith in your own abilities as a parent and children are going to test you/not appreciate you at times. I know I did for my own parents at times. Its ok to get stressed and its ok to put your own needs first at times.

baskingseals · 04/07/2010 21:25

it is the most difficult thing in the world.

what's more difficult?
YANBU, and i hope you're all ok

stressed2007 · 04/07/2010 21:26

bibbity i don't know you but are you ok?

vintage · 04/07/2010 21:27

i have a son with severe autism he is 17 and 6 foot 2. It is getting to the stage where i just cannot cope with him any ore when we are out in public he keeps running away ,tidying uo supermarket shelves knocking people ou the way to get to the things he likes etc. It is very very hard and neverending i love him to bits don`t get me wrong but just wish things wre diffetrent sometimes

sunny2010 · 04/07/2010 21:29

vintage - Is he is college or part of any youth groups for learning dis? My husband works for a youth group that caters for teens with autism, aspergers etc and it gives their parents a break.

vintage · 04/07/2010 21:33

He is on school holidays at the moment (Scotland) .Next year is his last year. He had a days respite due for Thursday but i had not checked the calender and we were going to a friends 21st Birthday so didnt send him as we knew he would enjoy the party ie;cakes and food. My dh works in a day centre for adults with learning difficulties and he hasnt heard of any clubs etc around here

sunny2010 · 04/07/2010 21:36

Oh dear thats a shame. I suppose services differ around UK. I know its very hard to care for a child/adult with learning difficulties.

Macforme · 04/07/2010 21:40

It's the hardest job in the world no doubt about it. It's also the most important job in the world and every one of us here is doing the most important job there is, whether with our own children or those we work/care for.

I have four DC..all now teens (gulp..) and work with children who have severe disabilities as well as having a disabled child of my own. Most of the time I am stressed and knackered.
I look at the deputy head of my school, same age as me, a fantastic salary and worthy job, and a fab person, with no children (don't think by choice)..and I come home and am grateful for my child related stresses... because every day there is someone who needs me, someone to tell me the latest gossip, ask advice, maybe make me a cup of coffee... they are there, and mine and I am so very very much aware of how lucky I am.

I'm no perfect parent, and would not want to be, I'm human Sometimes I could run away from the responsibility and the never ending drudgery... but then I look at these individuals, who came from me but are entirely their own personalities, and I'm glad.

For those with younger ones I'd also say.. it does get better! Although one of mine has been a REALLY difficult teen and we have dealt with everything from eating disorders to police arrest (not the same child!) seeing them actually develop into independent people is really bloody amazing, so hang in there!!!

BabyDubsEverywhere · 04/07/2010 21:40

When do you get 'me time' though? anything me and DH want to do we have to take our toddlers. theres rrely a break/ np pne else wants to look after them. We cant afford to pay anyone. Theres no break, its boring and they ruin lots of things that could be nice for all four of us. and of course theres always a reason they are so pissed of with me and DH but sometimes i dont care, sometimes im fed up of the whinging and whining and whilst i love them dearly i am sick to the back teeth of them.

But then they break a smile for a second in the midst of al the missery and i forget all that and stat planning another family outing

OP YANBU

sunny2010 · 04/07/2010 21:40

I once worked for a teenage parents upport group and I remember one of the girls who was 16 being quick to say to me hes in a babygrow as he feels a bit sick. (He was 6 months). It was if she was worried some one would think she was a bad mum if she didnt say why.

I told her my own child wore babygrows everyday at the time and she was 9 months and in a nursery where all the others had on jeans, 'proper' outfits' etc. It doesnt matter and I think its silly anyone that makes an issue out of it.

sunny2010 · 04/07/2010 21:41

oops sorry wrong thread!!!!!!

Macforme · 04/07/2010 21:43

'Me time'??
hollow laugh Still waiting, and mine are 18,17,16 and 13..... Ok the youngest is disabled , but I am still chief cook, washing lady, taxi, bank......

14hourstillbedtime · 04/07/2010 22:26

bibbity I think you are both U and NU

It's definitely the hardest thing most of us will ever experience, 'hardest' measured in terms of relentlessness, combined with uncertainty of outcome (why do you think there are so many of those 'this is the way to do it' books?!)

Of course, it's not 'the hardest' when compared with, say, looking after a dying relative (as someone said earlier) or whathaveyou... but most of us will only experience this type of hardship as intense, temporary things, parenthood, however, is like herpes, it's forever

piscesmoon · 04/07/2010 22:30

You can make me time. If you don't have anyone to sit and can't pay then join or start a babysitting circle.Sit down and tell them you are going to have a drink and read the paper and ignore them.
If they are older get them to do a lot-they can wash, iron and cook if they have to-of course they won't if they don't have to!
It is the hardest job but it isn't in their best interests for you to be 'perfect' or devoted. It is impossible to be perfect-one DCs 'perfect parent' is another DCs 'nightmare parent'. It is down to personality. One size doesn't fit all.
(It is even harder with special needs because the above doesn't apply)

Original poster
bibbitybobbityhat · 04/07/2010 22:36

Here's the thing.

Today I was cooking dinner. I have been alone with the dc for 4 weeks as dh has been working abroad. I have found it hard and, yes, hats off to the single parents, it has really brought home to me how tough it is to do everything yourself. And it has only been 4 weeks for me and I've known dh is coming home, blah blah.

But, anyway, I was cooking dinner. Ds was next door playing in their garden. I had told dd (9) to turn the tv off and go and do something else. Once dinner was cooking, I went outside to the garden to see what dd was doing ... and she was reading my diary!

So I WAS FUCKING LIVID!!!

I was so angry I cried and cried and cried.

She kept coming to me and saying sorry Mummy, can I help you with dinner? would it help if I gave you a hug?

etc

and I just didn't want to forgive her. Not this time, not on this occasion.

Here's a little girl asking me to forgive her and I don't want to, but I have to, or else what kind of a parent am I? It just goes to show I don't accept her unconditionally when I always thought I did.

That's why its such a huge thing to me today.

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 04/07/2010 22:52

Be kind to yourself bibbity-you were stressed and you would have been livid if anyone had read your diary so why should you be different to DD? When you are calm sit her down and explain why it was so wrong and why you were so upset.She will have learned a valuable lesson, that she will never forget, and I bet she never reads anyone's diary in the future.

sunny2010 · 05/07/2010 04:55

My parents read my diary loads of times when I was growing up and they ended up reading some very dodgy stuff bout what I was doing with a boyfriend. I know they read that bit but never mentioned it and it still makes me cringe when retelling it lol. I cared at the time but it doesnt bother me now. You wont be bothered about this in a few weeks.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 05/07/2010 06:19

I think it is 80% great, but 20% hard, and the hard bits vary as to their cause :

Baby-and-toddler - Hard
Ill child-Hard
Unhappy/bullied child - Hard - like a black cloud settled on your shoulder all the time
general noise/chaos/lack of privacy - Hard
never quite knowing whther you are doing things "right2 - Hard

But that 80% more than makes up for it. I have loved it, and I am so looking forward to the future.

And bibbity - I know what you mean about being so angry you don't want to forgive - but you will, and she will learn from it (she's learning ALL the time. I have a 9 year old and it's very hard because sometimes I think I'm too hard on him and sometimes too lenient.

Chil1234 · 05/07/2010 07:25

"Here's a little girl asking me to forgive her and I don't want to, but I have to, or else what kind of a parent am I? It just goes to show I don't accept her unconditionally when I always thought I did."

Unconditional love doesn't mean being a doormat. Showing children that they have made you furious/upset/unhappy is an important thing for them to know - doesn't mean you don't love them. Children need to learn that they can't just trample all over things that really matter to you and that a hasty 'sorry' or offers of hugs makes it all OK again... it doesn't. Forgive her when you're ready to and when you think she's learned her lesson. That way you'll get more respect.

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