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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that being a parent is, actually, the hardest thing in the world?

113 replies

bibbitybobbityhat · 04/07/2010 20:33

Just had a bit of a lightbulb moment where it struck me that all the old cliches about parenthood are actually TRUE and that it is tremendously difficult to be a good parent all the time and no one really thanks you even if you pull out all the stops? And sometimes, just sometimes, you get tired of putting the needs of your child before your own?

OP posts:
sarah293 · 05/07/2010 07:54

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foureleven · 05/07/2010 08:11

Only read OP and I will say yes you are right in your thinking... but try being a step aprent - now THATS HARD!

TitsalinaBumSquash · 05/07/2010 08:17

I agree it is so hard, the thing i find worse and it migfht just be my children (5 and 3 yr old boys) is that EVERYTHING has to be a battle, from getting dressed to eating, everything has be discussed, argued about, forced or i just have to keep telling them over and over again.... its soul destroying somedays when all i have done is nag and shout and argue.

Then its the lack of space and time for me, if my bottom even hovers near the sofa they are there climbing on me and fighting for my attention, the DP will come in and want hugs and wants me to engage with him and watch tv with him all cuddled up.... by this point i am DESPERATE for just an hour to go somewhere completley silent where its just me and notihg or no one else.

TitsalinaBumSquash · 05/07/2010 08:20

I also lay a lot of blame in myself for needing to be the perfect parent, which fails badl and i end up just shouting and nagging about everything whilst trying to keep my house spotless, then i go to my sisters house, its a mess and her kids watch possibly a little to much tv and dont always eat great meals but there is no shouting or screaming and they do as they are told.... i guess i need to lighten up but its such a hard thing to do for some reason.

I am trying though, my boys are sitting at the table next to me crashing cars into each other very loudly, part of me wants to bark at them to quiet down and go in thier room but im trying to pick my battles.... its very hard.

SpringHeeledJack · 05/07/2010 08:29

Bibbity does dd know she shouldn't read diaries? or was it just a bit of idle curiosity?

I find parenting relatively easy at the moment (a couple of years ago and more it was a v v different story!) That- I think- is mostly down to doing what darcymum said upthread- setting the bar quite low also home edding dds. Ds I find difficult at times (pre teen; idle ) but it doesn't keep me awake at night iykwim...

BUT

...all the other things in life- maintaining some sort of relationship with dp (currently consists of a couple of text emssages in the daytime then barking brief instructions at each other all evening before flopping into bed exhausted) and any sort of life outside having the dcs- well I find all that very difficult indeed

TitsalinaBumSquash · 05/07/2010 08:36

I think it does make it worse having no one to watch the kids so we can have an hour as a couple, and no i really dont have anyone, i dont really have any firends that i could do a babysitting circle with, the only person that looked after my boys was my Mum but she died in April during an operation.

We cannot afford anyone to watch them even for 1 night a month especailly since DP has gone full time at work which has left us alot worse off finacially than when he was working part time......

sarah293 · 05/07/2010 08:47

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BuzzingNoise · 05/07/2010 08:49

YANBU

Mittz · 05/07/2010 09:06

Actually BiBbity, not only do I not think YABU, but I also want to thank you because I had a day like that yesterday and DS did something that upset me and we had a really bad hour. He behaved awfully and then wanted 'sorry' to wipe it all out when I had really had enough.

And I beat myself up about it because I couldn't just 'get over it'. Seeing what you wrote and empathising with you has made me feel not quite so craply about myself.

I hope you have a better day today Bibbity, It's really OK to not love every single minute and however rewarding it can be overall, it is tough at times. Take care xx

SpringHeeledJack · 05/07/2010 09:27

the more I think about it (as I pick untold sequins up off the floor) the more I think it's true-

set the bar low

don't expect too much from them- OR from you. They will not (all) have the Perfect Childhood and you won't be the Perfect Parent however hard you try...

(oh- and if it helps at all- if I came on here every time I went postal and sulked severely reprimanded one of the dcs I would be here all the damn time)

(...also Bib my dp is not the most useful hands on parent in the world BUT if he buggered off for a month I would have snapped looong before you. You should be congratulating yourself!)

HowAnnoying · 05/07/2010 09:35

YABU.

Imagine working in scorching heat 12 hours a day every day digging gold for like a dollar? Or being a small child sewing sequins on crappy primark top after crappy primark top all day every day. There are so many examples of why you are being totally unreasonable.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 05/07/2010 09:47

Hmmm, see I don't think being a parent is the hardest job in the world, but it's certainly the one thing which carries the most reponsibility/guilt/fear/anxiety. It takes so long for them to grow up, and most days are uneventful and plodding. So amongst all that mundanity, you have to hope and pray that you are getting it mostly right. If you're a little off course at 2, you'll be miles off by 14 sort of thing. That I find hard. Keeping my attention focused during the ground hog days so that you don't mess up the big picture, sort of thing. Plus making all those fine adjustments daily. I suppose it's the never ending job, and the one on which you'll be judged for your whole life. So, over a life time, it's the hardest job maybe.

None of that made sense at all, did it? I'm very tired.

SpringHeeledJack · 05/07/2010 09:50

you are of course correct HowAnnoying

working in a Bolivian tin mine is definitely worse than being a parent and so are millions of other things

however I can't help but think you are somewhat missing the point by taking the OP absolutely literally

...tis bit like that joke "what's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?"

"9/11"

OrmRenewed · 05/07/2010 09:57

I don't try to be a good parent all the time. I try to be an OK parent most of the time and a good parent some of the time. It works and best of all I don't feel resentful and miserable much of the time. Just bear in mind that for generations people didn't parent, they just were parents - it was a noun, not a verb. They just got on with it as best they could - I think that is quite an enlightening fact.

mamatomany · 05/07/2010 10:04

True Orm but there are a lot of screwed up people as a result.

Jasonthunderpants · 05/07/2010 10:06

I dont think I am a good parent but my children are happy, well fed,the house is untidy at times but not a dump.I bet they think I am a good parent

ps DD is watching Barbie and the magic of Pegasus and Olly the Ogre looks like a cross between Ant and Dec

makes me laugh every time Ha Ha

Chil1234 · 05/07/2010 11:11

"True Orm but there are a lot of screwed up people as a result."

There are a lot of screwed up people who are that way regardless. For every kid growing up blaming their character flaws on parents being too strict there's another one growing up blaming their problems on parents that are too laid back. For every child that wishes their parents spent more time with them, there's another wishing they'd not be so in-your-face and leave them alone more. Even within the same family, siblings can turn out very differently despite being brought up in an identical manner.

Trying to be 'an OK parent most of the time' is therefore a very noble and realistic objective.

OrmRenewed · 05/07/2010 11:15

Well exactly. I don't see a lot less screwed up people since child-care 'experts' started telling us how to do stuff we'd be doing for thousands of years. For most people being an OK parent comes naturally - crap and uncaring parents have and always will exist sadly.

EightiesChick · 05/07/2010 11:25

YANBU. Agree with SpringHeeledJack above - there are of course worse things like famine and genocide and so on, but parenting's very much harder than you can ever expect before it starts, I think. And it's particularly so if you don't have family nearby to help (not saying that it's always easy if you do!) or if you have an SN child, and thus particularly both these things apply. You have to forgive yourself a lot of your shortcomings. You aren't a bad parent for not wanting to forgive your dd straight away for reading your diary. Bet she won't do it again but on the other hand you'll both get over it and she won't be scarred for life by the whole thing.

mjinhiding · 05/07/2010 13:11

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MissM · 05/07/2010 13:49

Give poor Bibbity a break. Yes, it is the hardest job in the world. Have you asked a parent working in a Bolivian tin mine what they find the hardest? You are preparing a human being for the world and having to put your own needs completely on one side to do so. YANBU, and you have every right to have a moan!

(By the way, I have held my brother's hand while he was dying. Unfair to use those kinds of comparisons).

Maria2007loveshersleep · 05/07/2010 14:00

Since this was put under AIBU I will say that yes, YABU.

Difficult / special cases aside, being a parent can be as hard or as easy as we parents make it out to be, there's a lot we can influence. I'm not saying it's easy, and it has its difficult moments / periods (for me the newborn stage was particularly hard), but so do all sorts of other things we do in life, they also have high & low points.

I strongly believe, also, that being a parent does not mean we have to 'put our own needs completely on one side' (as MissM and others have suggested). I imagine that if one were inclined to do that then yes, that probably would really increase the difficulty of parenthood. Personally I don't put my needs completely on one side at all- I actually think it wouldn't be good for my DS at all if I did so!- and yet I still find being a mother relatively hard. I imagine that if one were to become a martyr for their children, or if personal circumstances meant there was little support available, or if for whatever reason someone constantly felt their own needs were seriously neglected, then that would increase the difficulty hugely.

OrmRenewed · 05/07/2010 14:03

What Maria said.

SiriusStar · 05/07/2010 14:20

Pointing out things that are harder is a bit like telling someone not to worry as you don't know what is going to happen.
Not particularly helpful in many cases.
I meet all my children's needs.
I try and think about the long term and try to raise them and equip them for their adult life and not just now.
Right now all I can see are the walls closing in. Nothing I do is good enough re my ds aged 5. Rewarding? How? ALl I see and hear is the constant demands, the whinging and whining. I have started getting anxious at the thought of having to speak to him as I just can't deal with the confrontation and warding off a flip out.
I want to leave. I won't, but most of the time, if I could go back in time and show me what it is like now, I would. I would only have had one. Never thought I would be like this. Desperately wanted children and thought I would be good at it. What a disappointment I am.
I did not sow this crap so why am I reaping it? All those who say it gets easier, what a load of bollocks that is. Just different flavour hard. I suppose it keeps it 'interesting'.
Hard job. Yes. Pull my head out my own arse? Trying. Desperately, before I drown in all the shit.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 05/07/2010 14:54

Sirius - Maybe the long term is what is making it so hard now - the more you worry about the future - the more you believe that what they do and say NOW is symptomatic of how they will "turn out", the more everything gets much bigger than it needs to be.

If it feels too much to cope with now - get some help! You sound overwhelmed and so down on yourself - please get some help - counselling for yourself, or help with parenting.