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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Chickenpox at wedding

120 replies

Poxymummy · 04/07/2010 11:04

My dd has chickenpox - the spots appeared yesterday. Problem is dh,dc and I are all members of a wedding party on Saturday. Obviously if the spots haven't stopped appearing by the middle of the week and if they haven't crusted over, dd will not be going. However if they have, my intention at the moment is to allow her to go. Question is I know that there will be a pregnant guest attending - day guest, but reasonably close friend rather than family - if she is concerned about dd being there, is it up to me to stop dd from being a flowergirl or is it up to her to decide what level of risk she's willing to take. Just to repeat myself if the spots aren't crusted over and are still appearing dd will be kept away and dh and I will take turns at sitting with her away from the service and reception.

OP posts:

thederkinsdame · 04/07/2010 19:02

What about other guests who may be in early stages of PG and people with compromised immune systems?

LadyLapsang · 04/07/2010 19:40

Also, what about people who may be about to jet off on holiday, don't think they'll thank you if a family holiday has to be cancelled due to someone getting CP.

PainSnail · 04/07/2010 19:44

I've had chicken pox THREE bloody times. Seriously unpleasent, and now I'm an adult and still not immune, I've been told to be really carefull about coming into contact with it as it would be much more serious. Please don't take her to the wedding.

tulipgrower · 04/07/2010 20:20

I've had CP twice (as 1yr old (mild) and as 12yr old (not mild)). Getting it twice is apparently not that rare, if you had it very mildly the first time around (often not diagnosed). The 2nd time around I was contagious for over a week after the pox appeared (confirmed by a doctor). I'm 18wks pregnant and we only started telling people last week. Pregnant ladies are all over the place! If I was now invited to a wedding and a child turned up with a serious contagious disease or a '24h since being cleared of a seriously contagious disease' (which I had not had at least twice), then I would feel forced to leave. Better safe than worried. And I think asking the bride and groom puts them in a horrible position. I think YABU, but I don't think you care.

borderslass · 04/07/2010 20:42

dd2 has had it 3 times at 10 months old very ill and we had to come home off holiday and twice when she was 4 actually within 6 weeks second time she was fine 1 or 2 spots the last time she was really poorly they reckoned because she got it as a baby it didn't really count.Actually had an argument with someone who point blank refused to believe you could get it more than once dd1's friend had it 5 times and had white scars all over her chest where the spots where.
I really think you should keep her home where she will be more comfortable.

drloves · 04/07/2010 23:37

thank you everyone who posted info links on cp & pregnancy .
Will defo get dd1 to the doctors asap ,and have printed off the info will hand it to her "real" mum in the morning.
I didnt know that cp could cause so much damage ....

thederkinsdame · 04/07/2010 23:37

borderslass - you're right that you can get it more than once. My nephews have both had it twice - as babies and then when older.

Lauries · 05/07/2010 00:05

To DaftApeth

The words 'airbourne illness' doesn't mean you can ONLY catch it from particles in the air. That is the just main way of transmission.

Flu is an airbourne illness but like chicken pox some particles will fall onto surfaces where they can stay alive for around SEVEN days!

Touch that infected surface and then pick your nose, rub your eye or eat a piece of cake and hey presto! You have chicken Pox!

To OP you being so horrifically, unbelievably UNREASONABLE!

How can you be so selfish?! How could you ever live with yourself if the pregnant lady wasn't immune and her baby was born braindamaged? Or if you (and yes, you could easily be contagious) or your dd gave chicken pox to a person with a transplanted organ or other immunocompromised person and they died

Stop being so selfish!

gtamom · 05/07/2010 05:15

Yabu.

biscuitsandbandages · 05/07/2010 08:24

drloves its very likely she will be immune as will have been exposed to the virus as a child but didn't show any symptoms - but better safe than sorry which is why we check

TheFoosa · 05/07/2010 08:42

my dh had cp as a healthy adult, wss VERY ill with it and had to be prescribed anti-virals

I know it's rotten bad luck with the timing, but yabu

Pennies · 05/07/2010 08:52

YABVVU.

As others have said what about others with a compromised immune system? I have recently finished chemo and I thought I went to a school show last week. It takes a while to get over chemo but my blood tests showed I was well enough to go. Obviously some child had some kind of stomach bug and their parents took them along and as a result I caught the bug and ended up in hospital this weekend. This was the first weekend that we've gone away for 6 months and I ended up in A&E for a large chunk of it and stuck to the loo for the remainder. I am NOT impressed with the selfish parent who knew I would be there and knew my circumstances.

You have NO IDEA who there might be going through chemo or may be at risk to this bug, and to expect the bride and groom to ring round all their guests because you think your 5 year old might be sad at missing the wedding is wholly unreasonable. I expect they've got other things to do in the run up to the wedding.

Keep her home. Do not expose people to her lurgie.

If I went to a wedding right now and saw a child with CP I would HAVE to leave immediately, and if I'd spent money on travel, outfit & accommodation I'd be very fed up and if I got CP or shingles I could be seriously ill. I would have no choice about it. You do have choice so please think about others here.

Pennies · 05/07/2010 08:54

I went to a school show. I didn't just think I did. Still got chemo brain obviously.

Again, don't take her. There's more at risk here than your DD's temporary annoyance at not going.

MrsGangly · 05/07/2010 09:48

I am 37 weeks pregnant. My neice developed chicken pox last week. Her GP said she's be fine 5 days after the spots appeared. My husband and I have both had it, so we went to see her yesterday as we planned with clear consciences.

Most people have had chicken pox.

80-90% of people who don't know they've had it are immune in this country.

I very much imagine the GP will say she is fine to go on Friday and I would ignore the bizarre scare stories here.

MrsGangly · 05/07/2010 09:51

Given the other stories here, we should perhaps not ever take our children outside in case of all the bugs they MIGHT be incubating!

misdee · 05/07/2010 10:03

OP URBVVVU.

we went to the farm with my BIL who is having chemo for leukemia. A child with CP sat next to him. as we couldnt tell if all spots had crusted, he had to call his hospital to get anti-virals sorted.

also my dh is immune suppressed as has had a heart transplant. CP could potentially kill him.

but maybe he should be the one walking round in a bubble, and parents can be selfish and take their ill kids out if they want to.

ho hum

Pennies · 05/07/2010 10:20

By MrsGangly Mon 05-Jul-10 09:51:17

Given the other stories here, we should perhaps not ever take our children outside in case of all the bugs they MIGHT be incubating!

Are you having a laugh? There is no doubt that this child has something that poses a threat to others. There is doubt whether she still will be carrying that threat at the weekend and whilst there's any doubt remaining she should not go out.

These are not bizarre scare stories and if you ever find yourself with the hideous misfortune to be in my shoes then you will understand the considerable risk taking an ill child out can cause.

This makes me v angry.

thederkinsdame · 05/07/2010 10:27

MrsGangly - I am glad that you were OK seeing your niece, but you need to remember that not everyone HAS had chicken pox. I wonder if you would be so relaxed about it if you hadn't had it yourself?

It is one thing to take a child to a wedding and not know they are ill, it is entirely another to do it with the knowledge that they could be contagious and could cause serious problems for a guest who may be recovering from chemo, had a transplant or a woman in the early or late stages of pregnancy who HASN'T had chicken pox.

You were warned and had a choice to see or not see your niece. Guests at the wedding won't be given the choice to stay away and by the time they know, it may already be too late for them.

If the spots were weeks old, it wouldn't matter, but the OP mentioned that she is still not sure if they will be crusted over, so there is still a risk she would be infectious.

MrsJohnDeere · 05/07/2010 10:37

I've posted about this what feels like a thousand times on AIBU threads but will do so again. I had chicken pox as a child. When I gave birth to ds1 (at 38 weeks) he was born with chicken pox. I was obviously not immune. I wasn't aware of having come into contact with anyone with chicken pox and I had no symptoms myself. Ds1 was very ill, in SCBU isolation for 5 days, turned blue and had to be resuscitated several times, and nearly died. I wouldn't wish that experience on anyone.

I know these incidences are rare but they do happen.

So, I think YABVU.

It is only a wedding. The world won't end if you or your dd miss it.

NestaFiesta · 05/07/2010 10:45

Mrs Gangly- hardly bizarre scare stories. My DS1 is only today returning to nursery after being the NINTH child in his class to have it, out of about 20. Its wrong to assume everyone's immune. My Mum had it at 40, my brother at 22. I had it at 15 and was off school for five weeks. Its not a given that most people are immune or have had it. Even older age groups are susceptible.

You were probably OK to see your niece as you have had it. This thread is about the OP taking a risk that her child may or may not be over CP and will be mingling in a large cross section of people.

Not bizarre- common.
Not scare stories- true stories.

Original poster

Poxymummy · 05/07/2010 11:05

Despite some of the randomly insulting coments, we've already decided that dd won't be at the wedding although she's very upset about it but understands why. As for the accusations of irresponsibility on my part for even considering the alternative, each of us as individuals is responsible for deciding on the level of risk we are willing to take in our lives and if i had a compromised immune system I'd be damn sure that I wasn't dependent on others being careful for my health's sake. Also despite all the research I've done I've never come across anything that suggested that the rest of us having already have chickenpox should be isolated while she's infectious, so for those who said we should all stay at home, perhaps you can point me in the direction of that advice or explain when the country doesn't grind to a halt as everyone who has a poxy family member stays away from work. I hadn't realised however that chickenpox could be so serious, especially for the sufferer themselves so thank you to those who shared their stories.

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 05/07/2010 11:20

'if i had a compromised immune system I'd be damn sure that I wasn't dependent on others being careful for my health's sake.'

REally? did you REALLY want to put that?

Pennies · 05/07/2010 11:20

if i had a compromised immune system I'd be damn sure that I wasn't dependent on others being careful for my health's sake

Poxymummy. We have to. Otherwise we would be housebound. Chronic long term conditions are enough of a prison sentence already without having to be under house arrest in case someone's too selfish to keep themselves or their chldren at home when they're ill.

Glad to hear you're not taking her and I hope she gets better soon.

Pennies · 05/07/2010 11:27

I was quoting Poxymummy in m first sentence there BTW.

fedupofnamechanging · 05/07/2010 11:49

Poxymummy - You say that as individuals we are respnsible of deciding the level of risk we are willing to take in our lives. The thing is, we don't have the right to risk other people. Glad you have decided to keep your dd home.

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