to wonder why some intelligent educated people just don't discipline their dcs?

[mayonaise]

Me, DH and our 3 dcs have just had an exhausting week with old friends of ours who came to stay with their 3 dcs. It was a nightmare.

We were friends with this other couple before any of us had children. Me and DH are quite strict I guess, we take the view that the parents are ultimately in charge, there are consequences for undesirable behaviour and the dcs have to pull their weight around the house.

Our friends dcs were rude to us and their parents, never picked anything up and either me or their mum did it, whined and demanded everything with no manners, refused to eat the food I cooked, and one of them was quite mean to my dd.

These are lovely old friends of ours, intelligent, succesful, civilised adults, so what are they thinking letting their dcs behave like this? Can't they see they are going to have such a huge problem on their hands, tbh they do already....

Marie what will happen is when she really can't carry him anymore they will entirely give up walking anywhere until all children have left home. Or maybe buy him an expensive skateboard in the hope that will tempt him to move along. We tried a 20 minute walk last week with our friends....oh dear. You would have thought they were dying.

Marine, I mean. Sorry.

We have friends who visit us once a year from overseas for a week with their 2 DSs and have struggled with similar issues. The mum is a really close friend of mine and its my only chance to see her but I do wind up dreading it a bit.
Her youngest is the same age as my DD (3), the other boy 2 yrs older and a real handful since toddlerhood. I well remember how shocked I was when he hit me round the face as a 2 yr old because I was talking to his mum! He has also hit my DD and started fights with other children wherever we go. He used to have enormous tantrums lasting ages and involving hitting and kicking his mum but less so this year.
They are definitely in the talking to him about why rather than negative consequence for bad behaviour camp. I find the father especially hardly seems to notice let alone intervene when his child is breaking my stuff. Their attitude to food I also thought odd. My DD is fussy. I can't make her eat but if she won't have what's offered it gets removed without comment no alternatives. They offer endless alternatives and will even follow the DC round the room feeding them whilst they play.
Its hard because you don't want your house trashed or DD hurt but I find it odd to discipline other peoples kids when they're right there. It also undermines your own parenting if others aren't playing by the rules.
We had the walking thing too- I think people don't walk far in the US
In the end I've decided the friendship is worth it and it is getting a little better as the kids are older.

OP - one of my best friends is like this. Just about the loveliest person you could ever meet, she is an absolutely wonderful friend to me. And she is not particularly quiet or flakey or lentil-weaverish, but she is hopeless with her children. Who are both really difficult and unpleasant company (aged 9 and 6). She is forever apologising to them for upsetting them when in truth they are just behaving really really badly. Its a mystery to me. And v sad because we now try and avoid family get togethers with them as much as we can.

Ah! ivykaty I see we are talking different age ranges - mine are just 3 and 11 weeks!! This would be a really interesting discussion to revisit when my DC grow up (which, I am reliably informed, is something that happens to DC over time... though motherofgod that seems to be taking an age when you're right in the middle of the baby/toddler bit!!!)

mamadoc we live in the US It is possible to walk when you live here. I agree this might make us slightly strange though

Bibbity how are you? (sorry, quick thread hijack, in reference to the posting you started elsewhere in MN)

Totally agree with your mayo, but then again I have zero tolerance for rude, badly behaved children. If other people want to accept that kind of behaviour that's their choice, but they won't be hanging out at mine!

Totally agree with you mayo, but then again I have zero tolerance for rude, badly behaved children. If other people want to accept that kind of behaviour that's their choice, but they won't be hanging out at mine!

Oops, sorry don't know what happened there.

I have a friend who has 2 DC. Now, to be fair I haven't seen her or them for about 4y so they might have improved hugely - but the last time I saw her they were about 4 and 2. They were pretty out of control - always interrupting, bashing each other, creating mayhem. My friend is a very mild mannered person but gets frustrated - her DH is one of those who does nothing, nothing, nothing and then yells.

Now - I know that she lost her first baby at term. And I suspect that one of the reasons her DC have been allowed to get away with so much has something to do with that. So I suppose I'm saying that sometimes there might be more to it than just ineffectualness.

I do think you are all so judgy and disapproving.

I have a friend who carries her 3 year old everywhere (he doent "do" walking or pram), but I would not criticise her for it, not even in my head. I have sympathy with her as it must be bloody hot in this weather! But her kids, her choices. I am sure hell grow out of it.

I ahve anotehr dear friend who lets her 3 and 5 yr old help themselves to ice cream fom the freezer and sweets whenever they want, even for breakfast. The kids are lovely though, if a bit spoilt food wise.

Another fiend whos DC dont eat veg.

A friend who still spoonfeeds yer 2.5 yr old every meal (doesn`t like mess)

I am always quite relieved to see everyone makes a few dubious parenting choices, nobody is prefect (apart from MNers).

As long as kids say "please" and "thank you" and are not nasty, it`s not a big deal surely????

If I go out with friends and their children behave apallingly, I just think: "Thank God I don`t have to deal with this". They might just ahve a bad day. It would not spoil my meal.

If a child eats brocoli with his hands, some of you would think "tut tut, no knife and fork", I would just think "great, he likes veggies"

I guess I am getting a bit judgy myself now (grin)

I do think it's rude not to eat what a host offers. If my child refused, I'd say fine, you are not eating anything then, and explain about what it means to be someone's guest.

But I agree with the many posts that say it's hard to make too many judgements about other people's parenting, when a lot goes on we can't be aware of.

I would be annoyed though if i were the OP.

I watched, open mouthed, as a typical Bodenista mother let her 3(ish) year old stand up in the trolley and slam her fist down one by one on a row of pies in Waitrose last week. Waitrose of all places!

At least little mini-Boden's fist would have been smeared in organic hydrogenated oil free pie filling!

Maybe it was a protest against the "dumbing down" of Waitrose products!

you go Chandon - totally agree

massive nasty judging on this thread - if these are your friends, what on earth are you like about your enemies?

So you don't parent the same way, big deal. In terms of the op, if it creates issues as it might if they are staying for a week, then don't do it. If they are real friends, you can find a way around it.

Yeah, I'm with chandon, too. Mainly because Dh tells me I indulge the children constantly.

I do shout at them, though, when my principles fail horribly. But I try the nice nice approach first.

But just to be devil's advocate, sometimes children can really play up and embarass you - and it is hard to come down on them in front of other people and at someone else's house.

My children are well behaved most of the time, but I certainly had the no eating, fussing/not wanting to co-operate at times and I would hate people to think I am a bad parent.........!!

I also think it's worth differentiating between discipline and punishment. I want to teach my children the correct way to behave, not frighten them into submission. That is not a comment on any particular post on this thread, but does represent my feelings about my own childhood. My brother and I were incredibly well behaved, but none of us (including my mother, who constantly cast herself as the bad guy) enjoyed ourselves very much, living as we did in the Perfect House of Tidiness and Good Behaviour. You could take us anywhere, though ...

pmsl at the pies

the class/education link is just insulting simplistic bullshit

a bit like saying "chavvy poor thickos on council estates never read to their children and discipline them by yelling "Ged 'ere", walloping them and then offering them a packet of crisps"

LOL @ this thread

Delightful to hear from all these perfect parents

You are all deluded if you think your dc's are universally liked and well behaved. Mine are f*&^ing hideous sometimes. Generally in public.

Furthermore, other peoples' children are generally revolting. Period.

I had a day like that last week

considers moving

LOL @ "you could take us anywhere though"

I totally get that. I know people who wear manners as a badge of smugness, yet seem thoroughly miserable

Emy72 - one of my sisters was a demon. We were all raised the same but she was rude and obnoxious in public or when people came over. She went out of her way to be difficult. My mother tried everything. There's a great photo of her at a family even with wild hair and a scowl on with her hands on her hips and a random twig in her hand. She was like a wild child.

She's 26 now and just soooooooooooo socially skilled it's unbelievable. At home in any situation and with anyone. Who knows why she was such a brat? She just was. She grew out of it. She is marrying a lovely man next year and seems to be 100% one of his family already.

You never can tell..

event, sorry