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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to worry about financials of MIL moving in with SIL?

78 replies

NoseyNooNoo · 03/07/2010 16:20

This is really is really on behalf of my DH who is a bit concerned.

We live in S.E. MIL lives in Yorkshire, is widowed, lonely and a bit depressed. She is 70, going on 85, and I've often worried what will happen when she can't cope anymore given that family is so far away. SIL lives in Ireland with her husband and chidren aged 15-18 years old. They have a medium sized house in negative equity.

SIL has asked MIL to live with them. This will entail MIL selling her house in Yorkshire, SIL selling her house and them buying a bigger house in Ireland. They expect to be mortgage free because MIL will fund it.

DH and I are quite relieved at this because this solves a lot of future problems / stress with MIL as her health gets worse. However, DH is I suspect a bit peeved that SIL and her husband are getting a good deal financially. We're all around the same age but DH and I will have a huge mortgage whilst SIL and her husband will have a similar sized house but be mortgage free. He thinks something should be put in MIL's will to account for the discrepency but given that MIL hasn't got tonnes of cash spare I can't see how things can be divvied up 50-50.

I think to some extent that he should leave it because at least his mum will be happy but I can see his point that his sister and husband will be getting an easy route to good-sized house without working for it - although looking after MIL in old-age seems like work to me!!

OP posts:

PeedOffWithNits · 03/07/2010 16:25

YABU

you can always invite MIL to live with YOU instead

what happens if SIL ends up caring for MIL 24hrs a day, doubly incontinent/aggressive because of dementia?? Is Dh going to pay her his half of what they would otherwise have to pay for a live in carer or nursing home??

perhaps she HAS put some thought into giving your DH some cash when they sell houses , but it would be very wrong to ask

SloanyPony · 03/07/2010 16:30

I would go with this and forget about the financials. The lack of worry and guilt you will probably "get out of" because she is living with family should outweigh it. Just remind yourselves of that. It might even be cheaper in the long run, but finances aside, it will be BETTER.

Just let it go.

nomorebooze · 03/07/2010 16:30

Sorry YABU! I hate the whole argument between siblings on how much money they are getting / being left! Remember these are our parents the people who raised us! they owe us nothing. x

Original poster

NoseyNooNoo · 03/07/2010 17:05

Peedofwithnits - she would not live with us, she hates our children. If she was to be cared for by a third party we would not pay half, we would pay all of her costs. It would be a given that SIL would not make a financial contribution

Nomorebooze - I think DH wanted to raise the issue now to prevent any arguments later on. My mum had a big row with her sisters when my gran died. It was really awful and to be honest I'd rather have nothing from my parents than have a row about it.

DH are both thrilled that MIl is moving to Ireland. We have been really concerned about her and this will make her very happy. If I'm honest I think we're getting off lightly. I just hope that SIl treats her well since she is very self-absorbed and unemotional.

OP posts:

LouAnnVanHouten · 03/07/2010 17:14

YABU

If after your MIL death you split the estate 50/50, then you SIL billed you for the 24hr care she is providing then you would probably be worse off. Your MIL being happy and looked after by family is priceless.

StrictlyTory · 03/07/2010 17:16

I don't think your DH can begin to imagine how much work it'll be when MIL gets old.

I personally would rather my siblings got every penny my Mother had than have her live with me. Harsh but true.

Original poster

NoseyNooNoo · 03/07/2010 17:22

I think DH does know exactly how hard it is having taken a long gap off between school and university to help his mum care for his father until he died of Motor Neurone Disease. I actually think it's his sister who is in for the shock. Just to clarify, MIL is not in ill-health now but she is very old for her age so I think things will get difficult quite quickly.

I really think we're getting off lightly!

OP posts:

Cretaceous · 03/07/2010 17:26

I think this all needs to be talked through with MIL and SIL. It's no good saying don't bother about the money etc. It all needs to be discussed upfront. SIL might not want to end up caring for MIL if she has dementia etc. How would MIL's care be funded then, if she's sold the house etc? If your MIL gets ill, and SIL looks after her for the next 20 years, I'm sure you'd feel she'd earnt the money. But what if MIL dies in the next year?

It's easy to say that the money doesn't matter, but I personally would feel agrieved in your shoes if MIL died shortly afterwards, and SIL kept all the money. (Luckily, there is no money in our family )

lazarusb · 03/07/2010 17:32

I don't think adults have an automatic right to their parents money. My dad isn't leaving my brother and I anything when he dies and we don't care. My mum is leaving me more or less everything and my brother bugger all but I don't feel comfortable with that. Maybe your dh should discuss this with his sister. Ultimately, your Mil's health is the paramount issue here, not money.

macdoodle · 03/07/2010 17:37

Gosh YABU totally, and greedy and money grabbing ...yukkity yuk!
If your ever so charming DH feels that strongly, why dont you have MIl come live with you, there you go problem solved, you'll only have to put up with he for ooh 10-20 years!! easy!

Original poster

NoseyNooNoo · 03/07/2010 17:40

I have previously said she wouldn't live with us because of our children. She also hates the south of England and we're not close enough to a Catholic church.
And I repeat that we think we're getting of lightly and are really please for MIL.

OP posts:

pranma · 03/07/2010 17:41

I worry a lot about this as I have 2dc and 3 steps.If I was left alone[dh 74 in moderate health]I would want to live with dd[she and her dh suggested it].However that would mean a similar financial problem.What I think I would do is split what I got for my house in half and use half to go in with dd.Remaining half split between my ds and 2 dss.Nothing to sd because she hates me

DuelingFanjo · 03/07/2010 17:42

What does MIL want to do? HAs anyone asked her?

Original poster

NoseyNooNoo · 03/07/2010 17:45

She wants to go to SIL. She has spent a lot of time there in the past acting as childcare for SIL's children so very comfortable there. She seriously would not want to live with us.

OP posts:

Cretaceous · 03/07/2010 17:47

You see, I think it's not necessarily money-grabbing. Nobody's been money-grabbing yet. It's just that you don't want resentment to fester. It might be by discussing it, the OP's husband won't want any money. But if it did turn out that the MIL died quickly, and SIL keeps all the money, I would feel that SIL had been money-grabbing, and wouldn't feel the same about her.

It's this attitude to not talking about money for fear of being seen as money-grabbing that leads to family feuds. Better to be upfront and all agreed.

YunoYurbubson · 03/07/2010 17:48

I agree with Macdoodle.

porcamiseria · 03/07/2010 17:50

let it go, agree

looking after an aged person can be very very hard work

and frankly for your DH knowing his Mother is in good care should mean alor more than money

if MIL dies younger will you ask for some money? exactly......

expatinscotland · 03/07/2010 17:52

'He thinks something should be put in MIL's will to account for the discrepency but given that MIL hasn't got tonnes of cash spare I can't see how things can be divvied up 50-50.'

He is being V unreasonable.

Why should he get 50% when he was have contributed FA to her care when she gets older?

Looking after an elderly person/being a carer isn't ever easy.

Your MIL is under zero obligation to discuss her financials with your DH.

Her money, her business.

I agree with you, he is getting off very lightly!

I live in another country from my parents.

My sister lives near them.

It is understood she will care for them and get the bulk or all of anything that is left once they die.

Sounds fair to me!

It is not my money as I did nothing to earn it.

thirdname · 03/07/2010 17:53

who exactly are you worried about?????

pranma · 03/07/2010 17:53

If they club together to buy a house you cant expect s-i-l to sell it when m-i-l dies.That would be very unreasonable indeed.It is your m-i-l's money and her life.

porcamiseria · 03/07/2010 17:53

also, full time care for an aldery person can cost circa 20K per annum

that would eat into it no?

Cretaceous · 03/07/2010 17:53

But if MIL doesn't die young, and they run out of money, what will happen then. Has MIL thought about all of this. I've seen so many cases where there's ended up being family ill-feeling - probably totally unjustified - where because no-one's liked to discuss it, people have assumed the worst of their relatives.

And what if MIL does end up having to go in a home in any case? Caring with people who are ill or have dementia can go on for many years. Has SIL considered this?

expatinscotland · 03/07/2010 17:56

That's between her and SIL, with whom she'll be living.

Pretty pitiful of him to get anything at all.

People are not automatically entitled to their parents' money, if there is any.

DinahRod · 03/07/2010 17:58

Tell dh the alternative would be her going into a home and selling her house to fund it. Practically it sounds as if they need a bigger house.

I don't know the system in Ireland but if MIL became too difficult to care for at home, then SIL might end up having to sell the bigger house to finance it or a tough job being her f/t carer. However much ££ SIL 'profits' by, dh ought to be sighing a huge sigh of relief at not dh shouldering the burden of care or have your marriage put under that strain.

Chandon · 03/07/2010 18:03

Sounds like a good deal for MIl and SIL, you and your DH just feel that if MIL dies soon (not likely, she could live another 20 years!)they have "easy money".

You say SIL is "self absorbed and unemotional".

It is you and your DH who sound "self absorbed and unemotional".

YABU, and your DH YABVU!

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