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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to think this is a very odd set up?

96 replies

Chil1234 · 03/07/2010 08:43

So the man works away from home five days a week, comes home Friday night to his SAHW and teenage children and is then expected to clean, cook, wash, do DIY and all other household chores until returning to work Monday morning.... whilst they all put their feet up & ignore him, apparently. The innocent question was 'what do you do at the weekend to relax?' because, frankly, he looks like a heart-attack waiting to happen and this was the story that spilled out. He sees it as a fair trade-off for being away all week earning a crust and leaving SAHW on her own. Didn't sound fair to me.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 03/07/2010 08:47

It is there life and his choice...

wastingaway · 03/07/2010 08:48

Well, if he's doing everything than that doesn't sound fair. He should certainly join in though, and the teenagers should be doing their fair share.

Perhaps this is a hangover from a time when she did need him to take over at the weekend, ie. when the children were small, and they've just not really re-assessed it.

Presumably he's got the evenings during the week free to relax though?

seenyertoeslately · 03/07/2010 08:57

Does he have a brother?

violethill · 03/07/2010 08:58

Sounds dreadful. Why is she sitting around doing bugger all for 5 days a week? Why are the wife and teenagers not doing their share of laundry, cleaning, cooking etc?

Sound on the surface as though he's in an abusive relationship. However, you never know what weird things go on in other people's relationships, and some couples do seem to accept very unequal partnerships.

clam · 03/07/2010 09:06

Sounds odd, I agree. BUT, it's never as simple as that, is it?
She might argue that he's been staying in a luxury hotel all week (if he has), being waited on hand and foot with all meals cooked, served and cleared away and laundry and room-service provided, while he spends his evenings in the sauna/gym/pool/bar/watching TV. So maybe she thinks he ought to pull his weight in helping sort out the family and home when he's back in it?
Just a suggestion.

BelleDameSansMerci · 03/07/2010 09:10

She might be arguing that he's been in a luxury hotel etc and will no doubt still be citing that when he has enough and clears off - poor sod! Working away from home all week is not a holiday and often means working until very late etc. It can be lonely and unpleasant.

toccatanfudge · 03/07/2010 09:11

agree that sounds very odd. And doesn't sound like a fair trade off for working away from home all week to me (and I'm a SAHM!)

toccatanfudge · 03/07/2010 09:12
EricNorthmansmistress · 03/07/2010 09:13

PMSL sounds like my DH who does some washing up and thinks he's some kind of housework hero. I bet she actually just asks him to contribute to the chores rather than sit on his bum and be waited on like a lot of working away men seem to expect (if you believe MN that is)

I expect there are jobs she saves for him that he is better at/she isn't able to do - so?

OnEdge · 03/07/2010 09:14

My freind was like this and one day he just left. His wife was so shocked but she had used him as her wage slave and mortgage payer for years. Treated him with no respect. He is a quiet gentle man too.

toccatanfudge · 03/07/2010 09:15

or Eric - he could be telling the truth - I did once know a SAHM whose DH worked away during the week and she honestly did expect not to have to lift a finger at the weekends and for him to do absolutely everything. She thought it perfectly normal............he buggered off after a few years - can't say I blame him.

violethill · 03/07/2010 09:16

toccata

I just think its important to raise the possibility of abuse, because if the genders were reversed, and it was a woman working away full time all week, and then doing all the cooking,cleaning, laundry etc all weekend while the husband was unemployed, I think there would be immediate shouts of 'Bastard! Abuse!' etc Whereas interestingly the first reply on this thread is 'His choice...'

If she is an abuser, she will have ground him down to such a degree he may feel he has little choice or control. That is the nature of abuse. On the other hand, as I said, there are some couples who accept very unequal partnerships, so it could be that for some bizarre reason they are happy with the status quo.

Original poster
Chil1234 · 03/07/2010 09:21

He lives in a flat during the week and works very long hours. Like I said, he looks quite stressed & when asking what he did to relax I drew a blank. No luxury hotel, no TV, no gym. And then he plays Cinderella all weekend for a family that don't give him the time of day. Odd.

OP posts:
bumpsnowjustplump · 03/07/2010 09:30

wow some girls have all the luck.... My dp feels hard done by if he has to put his dirty clothes in the was bin.. And our children are 3 and 16 months so still very small.....

I agree does he have a brother....

toccatanfudge · 03/07/2010 09:33

violet - definitely agree that if this were a woman we were talking about the shouts of unfair, abuse, bastard would be very quickly forth coming.

It's a very sad fact that, yes abuser by men is more common than abuse by women.....but it does not mean by any stretch of the imagination that there aren't women abusers.

thesecondcoming · 03/07/2010 09:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gibbberish · 03/07/2010 09:37

hehe seenyertoes, that was my first thought too...

YANBU, it is very odd.

But he is a grown up. It's his choice to do it I suppose. Unless she is literally standing over him holding a gun to his head whilst he is hoovering. (That's what I would need to do to get DH to hoover.)

toccatanfudge · 03/07/2010 09:40

2But he is a grown up. It's his choice to do it I suppose. Unless she is literally standing over him holding a gun to his head whilst he is hoovering. "

umless it was a woman in that position and then it would be ok so long as he wasn't standing with a gun to his head........

gibbberish · 03/07/2010 09:44

?

I didn't say it would be ok if it was the other way round.

toccatanfudge · 03/07/2010 09:46

no - but you said it was his choice as he's a grown up.

Thank goodness that women in abusive relationships who post asking for help don't get told "well it's your choice, you're a grown up"

and if it was a joke I apologise - have only had one coffee so far and busy trying to post on MN while making sure my DS's are ready to be picked up by their feckless father shortly

gibbberish · 03/07/2010 09:49

Twas a joke but that was exactly my point

Is ok if it's his choice, if it isn't and he's doing it because his wife is forcing him by being abusive, then it obviously isn't.

And it's the same the other way around too.

Enjoy your coffee

Tryharder · 03/07/2010 09:49

It does sound quite odd. Does he resent this or is he quite happy to do it all. If he has a cushy job away all week staying in 5* hotels, team meetings in the pub, then the wife might feel she is justified....

Oh just noticed that this is not the case...

OK. definitely odd then.

This sounds really awful but my brother knows a man who is unattractive physically, very quiet, a bit weedy, socially a bit inept... (sorry, I know this is awful and I sound mean)... he married a woman who is way above his league - a young Pauline Prescott lookalike, very glam, slim, chatty, loud, fun personality, etc... He is so "grateful" to her for marrying him that he does absolutely everything - works long hours, all the housework, all the childcare, all the shopping etc while she just meets up with her friends, lunches out, shops, goes to the gym....It's a bit of a family joke to be honest.

toccatanfudge · 03/07/2010 09:51

phew

it's just something I get a bit riled about (and why I won't go near the feminist threads - as I get annoyed when it's all "men are bad and abusers - women can do no wrong" type stuff

gibbberish · 03/07/2010 09:56

hehe I agree totally.

toccatanfudge · 03/07/2010 09:57

oooo lovely thanks - do you smoke? Got a couple of roll-ups ready rolled here