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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

..to think this is a very odd set up?

96 replies

Chil1234 · 03/07/2010 08:43

So the man works away from home five days a week, comes home Friday night to his SAHW and teenage children and is then expected to clean, cook, wash, do DIY and all other household chores until returning to work Monday morning.... whilst they all put their feet up & ignore him, apparently. The innocent question was 'what do you do at the weekend to relax?' because, frankly, he looks like a heart-attack waiting to happen and this was the story that spilled out. He sees it as a fair trade-off for being away all week earning a crust and leaving SAHW on her own. Didn't sound fair to me.

OP posts:

Gigantaur · 04/07/2010 15:57

how does he keep his shoes on while
smothering the platoon

foureleven · 04/07/2010 15:58

gigantaur, you are naughty.

wastingaway · 04/07/2010 15:59

Beats me Gigi.

I know what you're saying foureleven, but the chidren got to bed by, what? 8/9?

Gigantaur · 04/07/2010 16:00

not as naughty as someone that partakes in the clourful custom of shopping for persian cherry sheets

foureleven · 04/07/2010 16:14

well yes the children are in bed by then but that means the dad has been on the go since about 6.30 when he's left for work that day, and stops at 8/9 when the kids are in bed. The mum starts at around the same time when the kids get up (actually 9am in the case of the guy i work with who has the toddler as shes trained her son to sleep late) then stops when dad gets home at 6 and she hands the kids over.

So shes done a shorter day... plus time off at any times when the childs at school, naptime etc

I think in an equal and fair partnership both worker and stay at homer or mum/dad should have the same length working days. Its dis-respectful to the other person to expect more from one in the evening than themself as it places low value on what they have done in the daytime.

Mittz · 04/07/2010 16:15

You took the words out of my typing fingers MrsC....

If you give dogs bad names, in the end they bark to them...

I sometimes think some of the female of the species are a little too ready to be victims.

Tis true that if a woman posted this as her life he would be taking liberties and advantages left right and centre, but it is a man's situation, and he is still potentially taking liberties and only after an affair. God forbid that he might actually be taken advantage of, at his wicks end, and yes, maybe looking for some sympathy and compassion because he isn't getting it where he needs it.

PortiaNovmerriment · 04/07/2010 16:17

This is not an appropriate place for

parting the otter's proverbial milkshake.

RunawayWife · 04/07/2010 16:19

I think he needs to tell his wife to get off her lazy arse and do something or get a job

violethill · 04/07/2010 16:22

I agree foureleven. Also a lot depends on how many children there are. When I was on Maternity Leave with dd1, I could rest during the day whenever she slept, and tbh, bf was fairly restful too, as you tend to sit and relax/read/watch telly while doing that with a firstborn. I certainly didn't feel I had it any harder than DH who was out at work. The only time I felt being at home was probably on a par with paid work, was on my 3rd ML, when I had a newborn, toddler and 4 yr old at home, which was pretty demanding, and I could never guarantee getting the two younger ones to sleep simultaneously! Even so, I wouldn't have dreamed of handing all 3 over to DH the second he walked in the door - that implies that he'd been taking it easy all day and is pretty disrespectful.

I think the whole thing changes when the children are at school anyway, and if one parent stays home while the kids aren't there all day, then I would expect them to do all the household chores, as presumably that's the role they've opted for. Why anyone would want to do that when they have teenagers out all day is beyond me, but in the case of the OP, I think if that's the situation, then at least the lazy mare could get the housework done during the week.

foureleven · 04/07/2010 16:27

agred violethill, Id absolutely LOVE to be a fly on the wall of the home of a woman with kids who are at school and who doesnt work.. AND who doesnt manage to do all the house work in the week. Where on gods earth do those 7 hours a day go...

MeandMyKid · 04/07/2010 17:58

My OH works away 5 days a week and when he comes home he has lots to do, especially DIY and gardening because I am useless or do not have the physical strength to do certain things. At this time of year the garden is a nightmare and each week it is a shocker. He also cooks because I have cooked all week.

During the week he suits himself, has no family pressures and does all the leisure activities he wants. I on the other hand have no life during the week because I need to be at home in the evenings to watch the kids. Yes he works hard at work but he effectively has a break 5 days a week. Why should he come back home and do nothing. At that point he would not be acting as a member of the family and I would be raising another kid!

Mumcentreplus · 04/07/2010 18:05

sounds like pay back.. I would mind my own business

wastingaway · 04/07/2010 18:38

Foureleven, DH now does all of bath and bedtime for DS. During that time I put away clothes, wash up from dinner, tidy and hoover the living room, or do any other job that I haven't been able to do with a toddler underfoot.

Then we can both sit down together. Working day's the same length.
Plus I'm on 24 hour call, which he is not, as he could and in fact has slept through an earthquake before.

foureleven · 04/07/2010 19:09

MeandMyKid, I think your post was great. Im not suggesting it is your husband that OP is writing about but if it were you could be the voice of his partner. Proves things are never onesided.

In your situation yes it should all be shared.

Thats great wasteaway but you really dont have to justify yourself to me. That is exactly what I would expect of a fair deal. What I was saying I didnt like was when the person at home belittles the person who works by handing over the kids as soon as they walk through the door. Your set up sounds nothing like that.

hairytriangle · 04/07/2010 19:11

YABu! What a lucky family to actually have a father/husband who pulls his weight in the house!

foureleven · 04/07/2010 19:14

Its not lucky is it hairytriangle... a father/husband who pulled his weight is the absolute bear minimum of what i would stand for.

MeandMyKid · 04/07/2010 20:28

It winds me up when people say how lucky I am with a DH like mine. Yes he is the sweetest, loveliest man but it is the least that every woman deserves and I chose wisely! And if he wasn't happy he'd have b'd off age ago as he is damn handsome!

hairytriangle · 05/07/2010 19:13

Sorry if that wound you up.

emy72 · 05/07/2010 19:28

I don't know what it would be like with teenage kids, so I find it difficult to comment....

I know that having 4 small children (only 1 at school) then if I didn't have my DH around in the week I would be exhausted at the weekend and would NEED a proper rest.

I assume this woman does the cleaning/cooking/washing/shopping in the week, otherwise the house would be a complete tip/everyone would go hungry for the rest of the week?

Sounds like the bloke is just being asked to pull his weight when he is around and could be exaggerating a bit what he's asked to do as he'd rather put his feet up? just a thought xx

foureleven · 05/07/2010 19:35

If she doesnt work and the kids are at school she has 7 hours a day to do the housework, get the shopping in, decorate the house etc etc so at the weekend he really should be able to put his feet up. Apart from the cooking and washing up and washing of his clothes which are the only jobs that should be left over and should be shared.

The weekend is for putting your feet up a bit, thats why everyone has to muck in with the bits that do need doing, so each person gets a bit of a rest.

tootskeeper · 05/07/2010 21:19

Chil1234 It sounds like (as others have already suggested) that this is an attempt to make an approach. Also, your subsequent replies indicate that you would welcome an approach .

Your advice to him should however be fair, impartial and seek to bolster his marriage, improve his parenting skills and boost his self esteem. You should advise him that he needs to spend more quality time with his wife at the weekends and get his teenage kids doing chores around the house. As for DIY - I bet he likes doing it, otherwise he would pay someone to do it for him. Easing off the DIY is always a good move in any relationship.

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