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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

..to think this is a very odd set up?

96 replies

Chil1234 · 03/07/2010 08:43

So the man works away from home five days a week, comes home Friday night to his SAHW and teenage children and is then expected to clean, cook, wash, do DIY and all other household chores until returning to work Monday morning.... whilst they all put their feet up & ignore him, apparently. The innocent question was 'what do you do at the weekend to relax?' because, frankly, he looks like a heart-attack waiting to happen and this was the story that spilled out. He sees it as a fair trade-off for being away all week earning a crust and leaving SAHW on her own. Didn't sound fair to me.

OP posts:

DuelingFanjo · 03/07/2010 23:10

she possibly gets him to do a few things and he's making it out to be the world on a stick?

slouchingtowardswaitrose · 03/07/2010 23:11

he possibly fucks another woman all week too.

wastingaway · 03/07/2010 23:24

We know nothing about this woman's life.
he may suffer from depression, or another illness. She may be studying, or caring for an elderly relative, or volunteering or any other thing that might not be considered real work.

letsblowthistacostand · 03/07/2010 23:38

Another vote for 'she doesn't understand me.' Chil1234 it's not as ineffective a pick-up line as you might imagine. I mean, you're thinking about him aren't you?

slouchingtowardswaitrose · 03/07/2010 23:47

Here's how it works Chil.

He tells you he is abused/oppressed/misunderstood. She does fuck all/is a cow/is a bore/is a bitch.

You feel sorry for him.

You feel flattered he is confiding in you. You feel superior to the bitch.

He has you just where he wants you.

themildmanneredjanitor · 03/07/2010 23:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

toccatanfudge · 03/07/2010 23:55

oh FFSnot every man is a lying, cheating, twat, and not every woman is all sweetness and light.

toccatanfudge · 04/07/2010 00:02

"He lives in a flat during the week and works very long hours. Like I said, he looks quite stressed & when asking what he did to relax I drew a blank. No luxury hotel, no TV, no gym. "

No hotel where his bed is made, no going off to watch the football/go for a swim.

I've MET a woman (she was an acquaintance rather than a friend) and knew her for a couple year whose DH had the life that the OP describes, She was very proud of the fact that at the weekend she did absolutely nothing at all around the house. There was no working together on what needed doing it was "his job". Her children were no longer at the needing to be bathed, and taken to activities stage - they took themselves and bathed themselves. They even cooked most of her meals for her during the week.

As horrifying as it is to believe, there ARE women who treat their men like this (and yes there are men who like many women who get trapped in abusive/shite relationships who don't have the strength to get out of it).

Of course we don't know that the DH in question isn't milking the truth a little.....but then there's also no guarantte that he's not living in an abusive relationship.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 04/07/2010 08:24

What toccata said. Why on earth would you think he was shagging someone else just because he's working away all week? It's what people have to do sometimes.

As has been said, we have no real idea of what is going on in this situation. If the reality is as this man has presented it then it is pretty awful and I feel immensely said for him (and his DCs). If it isn't as he has presented it then we may as well not bother having an opinion because there are so many variables you could never account for them.

slouchingtowardswaitrose · 04/07/2010 10:08

How are they financially?

Why doesn't he just hire a handyperson/cleaner?

violethill · 04/07/2010 11:09

I agree Alibaa - it's very odd that for some people, working away during the week = shagging someone else. What sort of mindset makes that assumption?

I agree that the wife may be depressed - I bloody would be if I was sat at home all week with teenage children at school/college. No life at all.

zookeeper · 04/07/2010 11:16

I had an affair with a man years ago that started just like this. Be warned. The wife will have her own (more accurate) version of events I'm sure...

foureleven · 04/07/2010 11:20

She sounds very manipulating. But it is for him to realise that if he is unhappy in his life he is the only person who can change things.

And change things he should.

MrsC2010 · 04/07/2010 11:28

This is what I mean, talk about sexism! If a woman were in this man's position we would be all sympathy...we certainly wouldn't be jumping to these 'luxury hotels, shagging around, all a line, she doesn't understand me, the wife must be depressed or have something else we should all feel sorry for'. I'm not necessarily saying that some of this isn't true, but this really is awfully unfair surely? We complain sexism is alive and well when anti-women and yet automatically jump to these conclusions.

I have seen a few threads like this that make me a bit about 'equality'.

Original poster

Chil1234 · 04/07/2010 11:29

I'm not naive.... I haven't reached my advanced state of middle-age without realising that there are more than two sides to most marriage-related stories and that 'my life is sooo awful' is some men's pathetic way to get a pity shag. It was just that I found what he said surprising, whereas he was very matter-of-fact and clearly thought it was all totally normal. So I wondered if other people actually have the same arrangement and I've just not met many of them or if he's really a bit of a one-off. That's all.

OP posts:

foureleven · 04/07/2010 11:40

My dp had a kind of similar arrangement with his ex... she stayed at home all day while he was at work so when he got in, and at the weekend, everything fell on him to take care of.
It happens a lot. I work with a guy at the moment who has a new baby and two other men one with a toddler and one with two children at infant school.

They all get handed the kids as soon as they walk through the front door whether theyve worked 5 or 14 hours that day and whether theyve been working away or not... Hardly any free time at all.

Its shameful really.

wastingaway · 04/07/2010 11:46

Foureleven, if they didn't hand the kids over, when exactly would the mother get any free time?

I think the reason we jump to these conclusions is that it's more likely.
From the evidence we see in our lives and on these boards every day, men are usually taking advantage of women.

violethill · 04/07/2010 11:53

Absolutely MrsC2010

Anyway, the family in this situation has teenage children, so it's hardly like the wife is rushed off her feet all day.

MrsC2010 · 04/07/2010 11:56

It is just the absolutely hypocritical attitude of some postings (with regards what is acceptable behaviour towards woman as against men), and the assumption that all men are feckless, controlling, unfaithful liars that are out to shag anything that walks that gets on my wick.

foureleven · 04/07/2010 11:59

Well, after work hours my dp and I deal with the kids and any housey things together then when theyre in bed we either have time together or free time by ourselves in different rooms.

We sometimes have nights out where the other one stays in with the kids.

evening work should be shared not given to the man just because he hasnt been there all day... Otherwise when is his free time. When does he clock off?

There generally isnt loads of free time for anyone when there are kids involved so what there is needs to be shared out not all claimed by the person who is at home.

Bonsoir · 04/07/2010 11:59

"Foureleven, if they didn't hand the kids over, when exactly would the mother get any free time?"

Never. Like the father. No "free time" comes with the territory when you have small children.

violethill · 04/07/2010 12:00

wastingaway - when is the father supposed to get free time then? Or do you subscribe to that myth that doing paid work is a doddle, and that people have an easy time sitting in their offices drinking coffee all day?

I am all for equal shares, and of course in a family with young pre school children, then a parent at home may genuinely have no time off during the day. However, most families will have a phase where it's not 100% full on with no time off when you're a SAHP. eg a baby will have sleeps during the daytime which is 'time off'. Older ones may have nursery sessions which are 'time off'. And even when you genuinely don't get a moment to spare (and I;ve been there, on maternity leave with pre schoolers!) at least at home you don't have the prssure of having to meet targets or perform to a specified level. On the worst days you can stay in your pjs all day and feed the kids a sandwich. When you go out to work, no one makes allowances like that, you just have to get on with it.

It does sound as though the wife in question may have depression. Very sad that the husband seems to accept it all as the norm

wastingaway · 04/07/2010 12:25

Oh, absolutely, when both parents are home the workload should be shared.

It just read to me as though asking a father to look after the children when he got in from work was unreasonable, hence the .

I am aware that working outside the home is not a doddle, but it is different.
The pressures are different, as well as the rewards.

NonnoMum · 04/07/2010 12:31

Who told you that this is what his life is like?

Erm, him?

Sounds a bit like "My wife doesn't understand me..." or "we're married in name only."

Keep away. He is after an affair.

foureleven · 04/07/2010 15:53

wastingaway no, I wasnt saying that fathers couldnt come home and look after the children. The men I was speaking about all have/had wives that literally handed the kids over as soon as he got in because theyd been with children and doing housework 'all day' and now it was his turn.
Thats unfair and goes on a lot.

Mind you, none of them were forced to stay in their situations.

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