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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

..to think this is a very odd set up?

96 replies

Chil1234 · 03/07/2010 08:43

So the man works away from home five days a week, comes home Friday night to his SAHW and teenage children and is then expected to clean, cook, wash, do DIY and all other household chores until returning to work Monday morning.... whilst they all put their feet up & ignore him, apparently. The innocent question was 'what do you do at the weekend to relax?' because, frankly, he looks like a heart-attack waiting to happen and this was the story that spilled out. He sees it as a fair trade-off for being away all week earning a crust and leaving SAHW on her own. Didn't sound fair to me.

OP posts:

gibbberish · 03/07/2010 10:02

Thanks but no. But I do have a voracious appetite for wine, and I know it's early but....

bumpsnowjustplump · 03/07/2010 10:06

but when women come on and talk about these things then they are usually explisit. They explain exactly what is happening including what is said and as such it does show a bigger picture.

This man has said that he does everything at weekends while dw and dc's sit around doing nothing all day!! With no further info then I dont think you can make a decision that it is abuse. If a women said her dp was at home all week and she sat on his bum doing nothing all weekend i wouldnt shout abuse either with out more info...

MY dp sometimes asks what have I been doing all day, and it is a running joke that he thinks all I do is watch daytime tv sit on my but and eat cheese on toast all day.. With two children under 4 that is very unlikely but that is his perception as he doesn't see what I do as he is at work all week working long hours....

At weekends he pulls his weight and would probably say to others that he does everything at weekends, when infact he doesn't. Am I making sence ????

bumpsnowjustplump · 03/07/2010 10:07

OMG so many spelling mistakes so so sorry..

toccatanfudge · 03/07/2010 10:08

bumpsnowjustplump · 03/07/2010 10:09

oh toccatan do you have any sparkling over there?

toccatanfudge · 03/07/2010 10:11

ermmm - I have Bucks Fizz (not bought I hasten to add - won it on the school fete wine raffle lol)

purepurple · 03/07/2010 10:13

Not an odd set-up if that is how you live your life.
Maybe he misses his family so much during the week that he wants to do these things for them at the weekend?
Maybe he likes wearing a leather gimp suit and his wife stands over him in high heels and a whip?
Who cares?

bumpsnowjustplump · 03/07/2010 10:14

ummm am thinking I may stick with my coffee in that case !!! hehe!! thanks all the same

MrsC2010 · 03/07/2010 11:04

Again, I think if this was the other way around there would be a lot more outcry.

Butterbur · 03/07/2010 14:26

Maybe the wife is depressed. If she's a SAHM with teenagers, she may have so much time on her hands that she can't manage to do anything.

lifeinagoldfishbowl · 03/07/2010 14:33

Are you sure he's not saying this it sounds a bit like the "my wife doesn't understand me / we don't sleep together anymore" convo's

kickassangel · 03/07/2010 14:41

oy, tocc over here with the buck's fizz. i have a hang over & think it would be the perfect cure.

it depends entirely on how it was said - could be anything from him having a bit of a rant after a busy weekend (while his wife looked after the kids, did food etc, but he didn't notice) to a 'broken' man suddenly talking about how oppressed he feels when someone showed a little sympathy.

fwiw, when dh gets really stressed at work, it's the diy/housework etc that he starts moaning about first - he just accepts that work can take over & dominate his life, turning him into a miserable bastard, and assumes that the house, dd & myself will support him & not have any demands. so, when i tell him that there's things he needs to do at home, he feels like it's me that is bu, when really it's the work situation.

we need more info, but the op sounds like she's sympathetic towards him.

do you know his wife/get on with her?

BuzzingNoise · 03/07/2010 14:43

Sounds fine to me.

PiggyPenguin · 03/07/2010 15:26

I'm getting my dh to do all dc3's nappies this weekend, and all the cooking.

He spent 4 days last week in a 5 * hotel in a hot country. Every time I phoned him he was just going out to a restaurant/getting out of the pool/sunbathing/having a lie-in etc. I was getting up all night long with hot and tired children and doing all the normal daily grind of housework /cooking /childcare etc.

He was speaking at a conference so officially 'working', but actually taking it fairly easy on a jolly away from home as far as I can see. I'm sure he would claim to be hard-done by though today if you asked him.

Livingbytheriver · 03/07/2010 15:32

I knew a family with a similar set up once?the guy had cheated on the women and they both decided that there was no reason why the children should suffer as a result so the guy worked away and then came home and gave the wife a break. Odd but perhaps there is more to this than meets the eye?

..or like lifeinagoldfish says, he could be having that conversation with you?

pirateparty · 03/07/2010 16:00

That was exactly my thought lifeinagoldfish

"My wife doesn't understand/ appreciate me" followed by slipping his hand onto your knee?

Otherwise sounds either very odd, or you haven't benn told the full story.

Original poster

Chil1234 · 03/07/2010 16:04

"he could be having that conversation with you"

Hmm! Now that really would be a development... !! (Although as chat-up lines go, I think it needs work.) Sadly, it was just one of those throwaway conversations you have with people 'so what are you up to at the weekend?' where you're not really interested but you say it to sound friendly. The reply was more interesting than normal. Still.. none of my business.

OP posts:

jamiesolivers · 03/07/2010 20:54

Sounds just like my neighbours - he works all week - I often see him at the station going for the 7.30 am train and I know he often works away as well. She is a SAHM with DCs 13 and 16. Never see her but at the weekends he is hanging clothes on line, cutting grass and getting the shopping! Nice life for her.

MarthaQuest · 03/07/2010 20:57

Sounds like my DH, he does loads at weekends after working hard all week, but I have to discourage him from doing too much.

He finds it hard to relax and unwind, in some ways he is like a workaholic or a hyperactive kid, he finds it hard to switch off.

Maybe this is a similar situation.

wastingaway · 03/07/2010 21:05

Of course, she could be ill.

MrsC2010 · 03/07/2010 21:05

People are strange, if a woman had said this to a man would we all be assuming that she was trying to get it on with him or would we feel sorry for her? We'd certainly give her more benefit of the doubt I'm sure.

slouchingtowardswaitrose · 03/07/2010 21:12

Sorry, but we are feeling sorry for a man because he has to do housework?

Chil, I'm afraid this sounds to me like a typical 'she doesn't understand me' set-up.

princessparty · 03/07/2010 22:19

I wonder if his wife's version of the story would be the same ?
You don't think perhaps she does all this 5 days a week while he is staying in his luxury hotels, as well as ferrying kids about making sure they do their hw etc.I find it very hard to believe his family survive mon-fri without cooking or washing up, and that the washing for a family of 6 can be done all on a weekend ?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 03/07/2010 22:31

If this is true then I think it is incredibly sad - don't they spend time together as a family?

Definitely an odd set up.

toccatanfudge · 03/07/2010 23:05

"while he is staying in his luxury hotels,"

no the OP says later that's not his working away from home life......

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