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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be mad at DP's arguement?

84 replies

fyimate · 02/07/2010 22:11

So let me just start by saying, love my DP very much but he recently got very grumpy because the house wasnt as neat and tidy as he likes it, my argument is I have DD (4yo) to entertain ALL DAY as she doesnt go school yet, also have to go to the shops for groceries then when I get back usually do the hoovering/ironing/washing up dishes/clothes. Seriously, if I take on anymore than this my DD gets upset because she has no one else to play with but me. Oh and when I tried to clean out the cupboards whilst he was indoors (so he could watch/play with DD) he got grumpy because "it's not the right time to do it" ie I was getting in his way, and said I should do all these things when he's at work!...
AIBU or is he?

OP posts:

SloanyPony · 02/07/2010 22:13

YABU for putting up with this shit.

colditz · 02/07/2010 22:15

Well - how messy IS your house?

If the basics are done (the washing, the pots, non-filthy bathroom and some dinner - that's it, IMHO) then he has no call to complain. However, if you aren't managing to get anything done, then with one 4 year old who I am assuming does not have special needs, you should be managing this.

foureleven · 02/07/2010 22:16

He's being a cock but its not for long, she'll be at school soon and youll have all day to do that stuff.

GypsyMoth · 02/07/2010 22:18

ugh!! threads like this remind me of why i choose to remain with just me and dc living here!!!!

Original poster

fyimate · 02/07/2010 22:18

. His mum was/is a very hard worker, and he often tells me about how much she did for him growing up and how much she does now and basically he knows no other woman better than his mother
All fine and well but I wasnt brought up by a mother like that and I believe it will effect how I handle my home...or am I wrong?
I just (usually) do the basics (the list in the first post) and the rest comes in when I can.

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 02/07/2010 22:21

why does dd have no one to play with except you?put her in nursery get used to other children and adults before school.

as for the house,do a rota.he do stuff too

when she goes to school,get a pt job.she will be out house 830-15.00 no one can clean that amount of time.and with extra income get a cleaner

Original poster

fyimate · 02/07/2010 22:21

I should add he is very obsessive about cleaning, he cant stand dirty things. No my DD doesnt have special needs but I feel guilty putting her on the PC to play games just so I can tidy up when I know I could do more constructive things with her like equations! (which we do). And he has admitted that is something he wouldnt do with her (his way of saying I'm a good mum for teaching her)...but when I try to make my argument to him he makes out like I do nothing all day but sit on my bum.
And true, I have said to him, once DD is in school I wont be able to use my "excuse" but I dont think he believes me...

OP posts:

Jackstini · 02/07/2010 22:22

"my DD gets upset because she has no one else to play with but me"
This part made me quite sad - at 4 she should be eligible for some free nursery sessions - could you maybe let her have a few of those so she does have someone else to play with (plus it is great prep for starting school) That would then give you chance to whizz through a few jobs and, more importantly, have a bit of time to yourself.
He is BU though in expecting you to do everything and moaning if it's not perfect!

Original poster

fyimate · 02/07/2010 22:25

I have worked it out and so far I wont be able to earn enough, I will lose more money if I go into work.
As for rotas, it's hard enough to get him to sit with DD after work, he does try but ends up moaning about not having enough time for anything as he has to get up for work the next day. He doesnt work a 9-5 5 day week, his hours are very topsy turfy, sometimes he has to be up at 3am, sometimes 6am, or 2pm or nightshifts. And his days off are usually just one then work for 3 days then one day off again...

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thisisyesterday · 02/07/2010 22:27

well tell him if he wants to live with his mother he's wekcome to piss off back home

but when he lives with you he does his fair share of the housework

Original poster

fyimate · 02/07/2010 22:28

I should have put her in nursery but never did due to mine and DP's insecurities...he doesnt even want her to go to school but she is in September. I usually take her park to play with other kids, and as for family, well his sister has taken DD out ONCE in the whole 4 years of her life and that was for an hour down the shops...

OP posts:

foreverastudent · 02/07/2010 22:31

he is being vv unreasonable

tell him that being a mum is a full-time job just like his

if he wants the house cleaned he should hire a cleaner

foureleven · 02/07/2010 22:31

I heart scottishmummy

Dont worry about 'losing money' fyimate, maybe you will lose a tiny bit for a while but the first job you take is a starting point thats not the money you will earn forever. If you dont go back to work I predict about anoth 60 years for you of having this awfully pleseant sounding chap tell you to clean up after him...

Chances are even if you do work he will still expect you to do the cleaning as he sounds like a bit of a twat... but at least if this is the case you will be able to tell him youre leaving and can support yourself thank you veyr much!!

Original poster

fyimate · 02/07/2010 22:31

Lol thisisyesterday, I think I have actually said that to him and I know he would love nothing more, he is a mummies boy, loves her cooking and whilst he admits she isnt "the best cook in the world" he still loves it. She lives in Portugal btw.
I have left the bathroom to him simply because he didnt like the way I cleaned it...which means I didnt "clean" it. And he did try touch on that one but I said "well you said you wanted to clean it so I'm leaving it to you" To which he kind of shut up...I do rinse it after me and DD use it

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 02/07/2010 22:32

put her in nursery.you get a job/study or volunteer when she at school.a 4yo only seeing mummy is v limited circle.use your free nursery places.attend toddler activities

you both have bigger issues this isnt about domestic chores,but you know that

colditz · 02/07/2010 22:35

Hmmm.

it's not really very fair that he was too insecure to let her go to playschool like all the other four year olds in this country, but wants you to ignore her in favour of pointless busywork. does he not want her to have friends and be happy?

colditz · 02/07/2010 22:36

SM there's no point in nursery now, the term ends in 2 weeks!

Original poster

fyimate · 02/07/2010 22:36

Tbh we only really clash on the cleaning...otherwise we are all loved up
I try to argue my point but he just doesnt listen. I really wish I could leave DD with him and sit on my arse all day in a truck like he does...with the occasional heavy pushing of things into/out of the truck...I wonder what he would say then...

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Original poster

fyimate · 02/07/2010 22:39

He is VERY over protective of her and he admits it. He keeps saying how independant she will be once she is in school and has this picture that she will just ignore us both soon enough...
But I'm counting on having a really strong bond with her forever and have been trying to push him to do more with her too because she adores him and I know he loves her more than anything but he doesnt buy that she will have a great bond with him, he just assumes she will ignore him.

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scottishmummy · 02/07/2010 22:39

you both need to liberate that wee girl.and get her some pals.let dishes pile up and get out the house

is she going school sep?
she needs peer group contact
needs to run,fall over,scuff her knees have fun

funkychunkymunky · 02/07/2010 22:42

Equations? You do equations?

Original poster

fyimate · 02/07/2010 22:43

Yep, she's all signed up and has been to see teachers and had a little play with the other kids. She loved it, got v.grumpy at me for taking her home...but the visit was over!
...You've just reminded me, she fell over the other week and I kid you not, it's the first time she has grazed her knee...no sorry, second time...that is no tnormal for a 4 yo is it and DP was upset by it all!

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Original poster

fyimate · 02/07/2010 22:44

Oh yeah, subtractions and adding up. She's very good. She will do them if we pretend we are in school...

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scottishmummy · 02/07/2010 22:49

you two need to have a bloody good chat and start planning how to let her grow through exploration.positive risk taking is everything.is really sad her social circle has been so reduced,you need to plan playdates after school, activities and sign up for some after school.only 2nd time scuffed knee.most children of 4yo its twice a week

when she at school you should study/volunteer.
dont get sucked into domestic drudgery
let your daughter blossom dont just take her straight home after school

as parents you have responsibility to let them explore and acquire confidence that doesnt involve being Velcroed to parents

Original poster

fyimate · 02/07/2010 22:55

Yes, I told DP I want to enroll her into self defence classes soon and he liked that idea. I think I will see what out of school activities come up and see what she would like to do too.
Thanks for all your comments. I'm going to bed now and I'll check back tomorrow morn.

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