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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be mad at DP's arguement?

84 replies

fyimate · 02/07/2010 22:11

So let me just start by saying, love my DP very much but he recently got very grumpy because the house wasnt as neat and tidy as he likes it, my argument is I have DD (4yo) to entertain ALL DAY as she doesnt go school yet, also have to go to the shops for groceries then when I get back usually do the hoovering/ironing/washing up dishes/clothes. Seriously, if I take on anymore than this my DD gets upset because she has no one else to play with but me. Oh and when I tried to clean out the cupboards whilst he was indoors (so he could watch/play with DD) he got grumpy because "it's not the right time to do it" ie I was getting in his way, and said I should do all these things when he's at work!...
AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
GeekOfTheWeek · 04/07/2010 10:39

Agree with moondog.

If your dp is working full time then imo you should be doing the bulk of the housework.

Will you be going back to work when your dd starts school?

claig · 04/07/2010 11:40

the problem is everybody has different standards about cleanliness. Some are frankly obsessive about it. Sounds like he may be having a tough time at work and lets off steam by criticising your housework.

clam · 04/07/2010 12:28

Don't know where to start with this thread!
But I agree with the poster earlier who said this is SO much more than about the cleaning.

redskyatnight · 04/07/2010 14:01

Sounds like your DH might be over obsessive about the cleaning. But ... there are things you can do to help yourself. Definitely get your DD used to tidying up after herself (she'll have to do this at school anyway, best she learns before she goes). Also, if she's not used to amusing herself try saying "Mummy is just going to hoover round/fold the washing/whatever for 10 minutes" go off and do it and let her find ... something.

My DD is the same age and yesterday I told her to go off and amuse herself while I was doing some cleaning. At first she was rather desultorily drawing pictures when something occurred to her, she asked if she could chalk on the patio and an hour later she had created a huge board game (complete with pictures and very complicated rules!) using the chalks on the patio. She'd never have done this if I'd been standing over her - but she now has a great sense of achievement. (and I got the cleaning done)

livethedream · 04/07/2010 15:02

OP - how ironic you recently called me a bad mother because I want to go back to work! And here's you screwing up your child with your archaic domestic roles and stunting her social development with your joint neuroses! I'd say you're a much worse mother/role model than me!

ReasonableDoubt · 04/07/2010 15:05

I seriously feel my blood boiling every time this topic comes up on MN (which it does, often). Men 'coming home from work' and kicking up a fuss because the house isn't spotless?! I mean, WTF?! This is the 21st century, FFS.

I couldnt bear this dynamic in a relationship. I would go back to work.

marantha · 04/07/2010 16:02

Yes, but, ReasonableDoubt, no offence but you know if one person is out working all day and the other is in the house it IS perfectly reasonable for the person with the job to expect the house to be reasonably clean (although I must say OP's partner seems a bit obsessive about such things).

It's not sexist, really it isn't, if a WOMAN went out to work and had a househusband it would be reasonable for HER to ask "why haven't the dishes been done?"

I don't see why "it's the 21st century" has anything to do with it- it's about having duties that are both valuable but different.

marantha · 04/07/2010 16:05

As a female, if I were the sole worker and my other half was a househusband (who was in good health), I'd be mad as hell if he didn't do the housework. What ELSE would he be doing all day?

AgentProvocateur · 04/07/2010 16:16

PMSL @ scottishmummy "Do you live in the hood?"

ReasonableDoubt · 04/07/2010 16:18

No, I disagree@marantha.

For the house to be a proper pigsty is a bit unreasonable (if it happens on a daily basis), but when I stayed at home it was to look after my children, not be a housewife. DH worked at his job, I worked at looking after our small children all day, we both managed the housework and cooking between us and lowered our standards considerably because we were both busy and tired.

I didn't spend my days as a SAHM cleaning up all day. How can anyone live like that? What a truly boring life! I did a quick tidy up in the morning, a quick tidy up in the evening, a bit of laundry. The rest of the time I spent looking after my children. Major houseowkrgot done at the weekend, shared betwen me and my DH.

God, it's not exactly radical feminism gone mad, is it? Yet you'd think so sometimes on MN.

marantha · 04/07/2010 16:27

ReasonableDoubt I don't think it's a feminist thing, to be honest. What with men becoming househusbands looking after children during day and women going out to work, I dare say there's a few women who are now complaining that the house isn't clean.

ReasonableDoubt · 04/07/2010 16:34

I think it is very much a feminist issue.

shimmerysilverglitter · 04/07/2010 16:38

Ex h was like this, always pulling faces about the state of the house and huffing and puffing over milk pools on the table after breakfast etc. I remember on one memorable occasion almost crying with sheer exhaustion as tried to explain to my ex how busy I was with my 3 year old ds and my b/f on demand 6 week old (he never once got up in the night with either child). His response to me and I will always remember it was:

"Shimmery I know Busy and Hard Working Women (his Mum and Grandma) and YOU are NOT one of them"

On another occasion (around the same time) I was sitting feeding dd and he came and said quietly to me "can you come with me for a minute?". Led me into the hall and pointed at a skirting board with a layer of dust on it, he then said "I don't think I need to say anything else do I?"

Needless to say this man is my X.

However I too think that there is plenty of time to keep the house clean with one child and no job.

It is the attitude of "should be done when I am work" that would piss me off. It gets done with it gets done Pal and what you don't like you can always lump.

ReasonableDoubt · 04/07/2010 16:43

God, he sounds horrible!@Shimmery. I laughed out loud (in a macabre kinda way) at the skirting board thing. Seriously?

rosieposey · 04/07/2010 16:44

ReasonableDoubt we have exactly the same set up here, during the week i look after my DS (17 months) and do all the tidying up but housework, like real housework gets done at the weekend and my 3 teenage DD's chip in as well as this is a fairly large house with 4 bathrooms/en suites - there is no way i could get it done or keep it in showroom conditon neither would my DH expect me to.

Every day is different and some days i get more done than others occasionally if its been a long one i dont even cook dinner and the girls either fend for themselves or i grab something out of the freezer for everybody (not always cooked by me!)

My ex husband used to really be anal and get at me about the housework and tell me that was womens work and how crap i was at it ect, needless to say that along with his controlling ways and violent temper it soon made him my ExDH, my DH now just wants me and DS to be happy and doesnt give a shit about housework.

OP you say you are loved up but i think that for him to come home and have a go about the housework is bollocks, dont let him do that, you dont even have to explain yourself but it sounds like you do, im afraid i agree with other posters when they say there seems to be more to this than just a housework dispute.

rosieposey · 04/07/2010 16:50

Shimmery almost identical to me, my ex never got up for my babies either I dont even think it was a housework thing more a control thing. It was the same for me but exDH used to favour the tops of things rather than the skirting boards AND used to cite his Greek mother and grandmothers as paragons of domesticity. I would never have measured up.

Original poster
fyimate · 04/07/2010 19:05

That reminds me of something he said to me upon entering my newly furbished flat after I had DD. I was advised to put housework on hold by HV etc because when baby napped, I should nap. I ignored this at first, and became very exhausted very quickly so began napping when DD did, anyway he came in and commented on how I need to clean the house...I said I'm really tired and nap when DD does as advised (etc) which he didnt care about.
And he once, when we had company called me over and said, quite loudly infront of everyone, "What can you see?!" I said "A shelf with a tv box on it" (which might I add was tucked away) and he said "look again" I then saw dust on it...but I was really embarrassed that he had to say this infront of company.
I had actually been quite busy that week trying to clean out the cupboards because his mum and dad were due to visit and that was when he told me not to clean them whilst he's in the house....

OP posts:
Original poster
fyimate · 04/07/2010 19:21

Just want to apologise to Riven for my comments on your thread, I went OTT. Not much more I can say on that. I just see too many people who have more kids than they can handle and dont seem to stop to think about stopping, instead they have more. But I doubt thats you so if I could I would withdraw my comment.

No I wont be going to work when DD goes to school and have told DP I will have no excuse for the house not to be in tip top condition when this happens as I'll have a whole day. But I do think he needs to see what it is like to look after DD for a day and I will be interested to see if he gets anything done and see how much he moans.

OP posts:
clam · 04/07/2010 20:26

What on earth are you doing, pledging to "be better" once your DD goes to school?

He is not your boss, for goodness' sake! Tell him where to go.

GoodDaysBadDays · 04/07/2010 21:16

sunny2010 Thanks for clarifying the free nursery places thing...sorry to go off topic but if you use them in a ft nursey ie one that does not close in the holidays, do you then have to pay for holiday sessions? Can you opt out of these or would you lose your place?

fyimate As others have already said It does seem like there are much bigger issues here but I can sympathise.

DH is critical of my efforts at home, albeit in a 'nice' joking way most of the time but I know he still means it, just trying not to get in a row

I tend to just ignore it and carry on as I am. I have 4 dc's, 2 who have sn and don't have time to get it all done - i'd love to though, I do like my house to be tidy but am having to accept that it wont be for a very long time!

I'm starting to realise DH is never going to be a 'new man' who takes any responsibility for housework or our children. )He loves them and plays with them but it's clear they are my ultimate responsibility.

But he is the man I married and the man I fell in love with, and I guess he wouldn't be him if he was any other way

GoodDaysBadDays · 04/07/2010 21:21

Crikey just read that back and I sound like a down-trodden, depressed 'little woman'

I suppose I am really, just not nice seeing there in black and white

Enough of my self - indulgent hijacking, apologies for that

clam · 04/07/2010 21:23

If my DH ever "forgets himself" and asks what I've been doing all day, (over and above the usual meaning of the question) I'm afraid he gets a response along the lines of, "hmm, well, had my nails done, sat on my backside MNing for a few hours, ate chocolates, read the paper..... how about you darling?"

I repeat: he is not my boss. I do not owe him an explanation for how I plan my time. I am an autonomous adult; an equal in our relationship.

LadyintheRadiator · 04/07/2010 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
fyimate · 04/07/2010 21:57

Actually I think she has 3.

Beside the point, that apology was for her no one else. And it's hardly the same thing.

I can cope with one child. My question was AIBU or is he.

No worries Gooddaysbaddays.
Like you said though, he is the man..ok we're not married but we are together, so I know he expects more from me, I just thought it was U given he wants me to do it whilst he's at work and knowing I have full care of DD, it's not like she goes nursery. And whilst she will play alone, she wont do it for 8 hours whilst he's at work. She gets bored and wants to do something else.

OP posts:
clam · 04/07/2010 22:13

"I know he expects more from me"

He needs a reality check. YANBU.