Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To be mad at DP's arguement?

84 replies

fyimate · 02/07/2010 22:11

So let me just start by saying, love my DP very much but he recently got very grumpy because the house wasnt as neat and tidy as he likes it, my argument is I have DD (4yo) to entertain ALL DAY as she doesnt go school yet, also have to go to the shops for groceries then when I get back usually do the hoovering/ironing/washing up dishes/clothes. Seriously, if I take on anymore than this my DD gets upset because she has no one else to play with but me. Oh and when I tried to clean out the cupboards whilst he was indoors (so he could watch/play with DD) he got grumpy because "it's not the right time to do it" ie I was getting in his way, and said I should do all these things when he's at work!...
AIBU or is he?

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 02/07/2010 22:57

do you live in the hood?why does 4yo need self defence class

do book activities
make pals- ease up a bit
you study or volunteer.dont be beholden to his domestic demands

GoodDaysBadDays · 02/07/2010 23:06

Free nursery places are available in nurseries, not just pre schools, which will still be open in the summer hols. Might be worth your dd having a few sessions for her benefit and to give you a couple of hours to have a facial run the hoover round

dixiechick1975 · 02/07/2010 23:07

After school activities don't come up you need to plan if you want her to do them, there is often a waiting list.

Can DD swim? How about swimming lessons...in a sort of similar vein to Seld defence.

RiaHere · 02/07/2010 23:08

Are the people you meet in the park people that you know already - or just Randoms? Or do you have friends locally? If so, arrange a half day of babysitting each others tiddlypeeps.

Say, your DD goes with T'other Mother 8am - 12pm you could open all the cupboards, hide all crap in said cupboards, do a token vac 'round, spray approx. 1/2 tin of orange Mr Sheen in the air and then spend the remaining 3hrs 40 mins having a bath, eating chocolate and feeling smug! Happy days

Just13moreyearstogo · 02/07/2010 23:22

You've created a bit of a situation for yourself whereby your daughter expects you to play with/entertain her all the time. A four-year-old is quite old enough to invent games for herself, enter an imaginary world etc although I also agree with what others have said about broadening the circle of friends for both of you. You're obviously trying very hard to be a really good mum and that's great, but children have to understand that the household needs to be run and that one great way of getting mum's attention if they want it at that moment is to join in and help!!

scottishmummy · 02/07/2010 23:27

dd is about to embark on new opportunities,pals,challenges

you should do like wise.dont get stuck at home fluffing and folding

an adult needs more than being at home all day whilst child at school
work
study
volunteer
gym
book group
something

look online for local free short course going in your area.library for activities

Cake · 02/07/2010 23:33

pmsl at 'do you live in the hood?'

Op, why would it be so bad for your DH if your DD ignored you in the future? Is he not secure that he and you are the most important people in her life and will be at all times? Can she not focus on others too?

Cake · 02/07/2010 23:35

Erm, error -

should be: 'will be for a long time' rather than at all times. There will come a time (a long time from now) when someone else will be the most important person in her life.

Junglist · 03/07/2010 09:18

You feel guilty for letting her play by herself? Sorry but if jobs need doing she'll have to learn surely. My eldest always did his own thing when I was busy, he was even allowed to watch a TV programme

sunny2010 · 03/07/2010 09:29

I do think it is what you are used to growing up. I cant stand the place to be messy and I would never let my husband stay at home as he wouldnt keep it tidy enough and I know we would end up falling out so I just like to do it myslef.

I get my 2 year old daughter to help me tidy with me and put things back etc. She also entertains herself if I provide resources ie play food, arts and crafts materials etc. That way I can get loads done to. I also incorporate her in my cleaning routine. These are all good skills to learn as she has to clean when she is in nursery.

You wont be able to get the free place now as the entitlement cant be used over the summer holidays so you will just have to wait until school. When she is at school you will have loads of free time though.

Original poster

fyimate · 03/07/2010 09:54

Thanks for your thoughts.
DD does enter into her own imaginary world, but at times when she is feeling bored she wants me to play with her.
She used to help my dry cups and (safe) things after washing up, and I used to get her to help me hang the washing but she's bored of this now and doesnt want to.
She hardly even tidys up after herself so I always have a billion and one toys to put away...telling her to do it usually results in me feeling very frustrated and her saying "You're a big meanie"
Kids.
...Right now I'm asking her to write her name on her picture but she is claiming she doesnt know what I am talking about...trust me she does.
I think cleaning up after her has resulted in her becoming lazy if thats posssible for a 4yo.

OP posts:

kreecherlivesupstairs · 03/07/2010 10:15

I think you've made a rod for your own back. Children can and do become lazy, we lived in Thailand for four years and DD got very used to our home help picking up after her (I did too TBH). It was a real wake up when we moved to Switzerland and we both had to pull our socks up with regard to tidying up.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 03/07/2010 11:06

Am I the only one who was happy to leave the kids to their own devices when they were toddlers for half an hour here, half an hour there and get on with the housework? Or give them a duster and let them 'help' (or chew the duster )

I could still see them, hear them, talk to them (well, at them cos I never got replies ) and attend to them if they needed anything, but they didn't need me entertaining them the entire day. They developed imaginations and entertained themselves and each other! (and that's saying something, baring in mind they're autistic!)

So I think, since you asked if you were in other people's opinions being unreasonable - you are. Your daughter will never learn to entertain herself (an essential thing in life!) if you are her constant entertainment.

Callisto · 03/07/2010 11:23

Equations, sums and self defence for a 4 year old? That is actually quite strange.

Does your DD not have any friends that she sees and plays with regularly, once or twice a week? It is really important that she learns how to form bonds and relationships with people other than her parents. Random strangers at the park don't count.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 03/07/2010 11:36

Gawd, please let your child have a little bit of independence. By keeping her so wrapped in cotton wool you are teaching her that the world is a scary place instead of a wonderful place to explore. She should be knocking about with other kids, getting dirty and learning how to socialise with her peers. Poor child sounds smothered.

foreverastudent · 03/07/2010 13:13

I'm at your parenting style. Is this how you planned it? Is this how you/your DP were raised?

Ok so I know it's not abuse and I do respect the right for different parents to make different choices but I think you are building up problems for the future.

One of my closest friends was raised like this. She is 30 and has never left home and has only just got her first proper job. She has been to a psychiatrist for her emotional problems but still wouldn't be able to cope with the aspects of 'independent living' (paying bills etc) that the rest of us take for granted.

Original poster

fyimate · 03/07/2010 15:04

He was raised old style, got into all kinds of scraps, his dad wasnt about much, mum did everything for him.
I wasnt raised at all tbh. So maybe we are overcompensating.
Either way he is really annoying me with this cleaning, I was taking the washing out and as he was standing there making a coffee I asked him to turn the switch off for the machine and his response was basically no.
Then he thought it was a good time to mention he had cleaned the bathroom, something I should have done so I said actually you said that was your job and then he interrupted me and said "Look dont start this it's my day off!"...Actually I believe you started it!
Well maybe I do not have to entertain her an entire day but I still have to find things for her to do when she is bored. At the moment he is on his PC in the other room and she is playing with her toys next to me.
But I'm off again, will check back later.

OP posts:

lazarusb · 03/07/2010 15:25

Why is he comparing you to his mother? You are his partner and you do things for him that his mother doesn't- I can be crude and point them out- my ex used to do this. Oedipus anyone?

HecateQueenOfWitches · 03/07/2010 16:02

I still have to find things for her to do when she is bored

Why?

Not having a go nothing to have a go about. But seriously - why? When she is bored, you find her something to do. Why? She can easily find herself things to do - even at 4 - if you let her. If you let her be bored you develop her ability to stop herself being bored by developing her independent play skills, her imagination, etc. If you come to the rescue and 'un-bored' her then you prevent her from developing those skills. That is not a Good Thing. Honestly it's not.

mummy2theboys · 03/07/2010 20:51

Wow, think we might be married to the same DH. Identical issues, I know exactly how you feel. I had a massive show down and explained that his standards were unrealistic and abnormal. I was not going to spend time having my house look like a show home to meet in with his exacting standards. We agreed to meet in the middle, I now let his comments bounce off me and quite enjoy that when I make cakes with my two DS that there is crap all over the kitchen when he is around and he cant say anything. I was emotionally battered about this for some years and standing up to him did me the world of good. Let me know how it all pans out. Be strong, the years you have with your child you can never get back.

Original poster

fyimate · 04/07/2010 09:04

I have something else I want to talk to him about today but it's irrelevant to this, but I did however come up with a plan.
In August he has booked off a nice long holiday, however due to complications I dont think my passport will be ready until the end of August so we wont be going anywhere, SO I'm going to leave DD with him for a whole day and night and see how he gets on. I expect he wont do any cleaning in this time but it still may open his eyes to what I have to do.

OP posts:

claig · 04/07/2010 09:42

YANBU. He is being a dickhead. Your DD sounds great and very smart

mumbar · 04/07/2010 10:04

yanbu.

lol at only 2nd time she'd scraped her knee at 4yo.

I remeber when ds got his 1st black eye from banging into something at 2 1/2yrs and saying to my friend 'thank goodness I can relax now, I've waiting 2 years for that to happen and me having to deal with the emotion that came with it' Now at 5.10 we enjoy painting around the bruises on his legs to see the pattern - and it saves the paint as he uses much less than he would on paper iyswim

let dd be a 4 yo she'll thank you for it in the future.

and if you have time run a cloth round the bathroom!!!

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 04/07/2010 10:27

YABU to have allowed this situation to exist. DS is not quite 2 and he's learnt to amuse himself while I do jobs around the house. He's too little to set toys up himself but he'll come and ask me to build his trainset, or get out his drawing or lego and then he gets on with it.

Don't understand what you mean by insecurities meaning that you've not let her go to nursery - are you afraid of other people?

Others are right about you needing to plan activities now, everything gets booked up at least a term ahead around here even for pre-schoolers.

moondog · 04/07/2010 10:32

Anyone who can't keep a house clean with a four year old and no job needs their head seeing to.

Flip

1 2 3 4