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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want a strange child letting herself into my garden?

116 replies

mitochondria · 02/07/2010 19:27

We were sitting in the garden today, after school. There was a scrabbling noise. Gate opens. Small girl appears.

"My dad says I can come and play"

I don't know this child, although she lives in our street. She joined in with my boys last time they were cleaning the car on the drive with their dad. That day, she then came into our garden and started bouncing on our trampoline. I asked her if her parents knew where she was, so she went to tell them.

Today, we were just about to go and visit grandparents, who live locally, so told her it wasn't a good time.

"When will you be back? Can I come then?"

No, because then we will be eating our meal.

"What time will you be doing that? Can I come afterwards?"

No, because I want to spend time with my family. (I didn't say that last bit).

Girl is about 8 years old. My sons are 5 and 3. They don't know her either, she doesn't go to their school (different uniform).

Is this not a bit odd? I wouldn't let my boys go and pester some random family. Am worried now that she'll be turning up all summer.

Would it be unreasonable to bolt the gate from the inside so she can't get in?

Or is this just me being antisocial again?

Should I get rid of the trampoline?

OP posts:
fyimate · 02/07/2010 22:04

Oh and you have to be careful because as many have said, what will happen if she hurts herself in your garden? ...And there are many other things that could happen due to her being in a strangers garden when the parents are unaware....you never know how the parents will react either..

usualsuspect · 02/07/2010 22:04

You miserable sod ...I always had random kids in my house ..now I have random teenagers

SalFresco · 02/07/2010 22:07

YANBU.

WHen I was growing up, one child in particular used to come in our garden. If we were sitting in our kitchen eating, she would stand at the patio doors, face pushed against the glass, watching us. It was very unsettling! ANd in our case, her parents were taking the piss, once they put her over our back wall and both went to work

grapeandlemon · 02/07/2010 22:08

aw bless her

Goblinchild · 02/07/2010 22:08

She did want to play, but with the OP's possessions in the shed rather than the OP's children.
Sort of thing my son does when at other people's houses, but he doesn't invite himself.

2shoes · 02/07/2010 22:08

no keep the trampoline, just tell the girl to go away

Original poster
mitochondria · 02/07/2010 22:11

usualsuspect - but don't your children know the random kids?

Mine don't.

They're not quite at the playing out age yet - I don't trust no. 2 not to run into the road in front of a car.

If she comes round again I will go and speak to her parents.

OP posts:
fyimate · 02/07/2010 22:14

Op - be careful when you do. Start off by letting them know she has been frequenting your house and you werent sure if they were aware...judging by what their reaction is might help you with the rest of the conversation.

MrsvWoolf · 03/07/2010 11:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

violethill · 03/07/2010 11:55

I don't think you're being a misery guts either.

The people who are saying you are, are citing totally different experiences - eg a road where lots of kids of similar ages play happily in eachothers gardens, the parents all get on, etc In other words, a mutual thing.

This is entirely different. You have not even met the parents. Your own children are bemused by the situation. The girl is not coming to play with them, so much as turning up to nosey through your kids' toys and bounce on your trampoline.

I would get a lock on the garden door asap, and continue to be kind but firm if she knocks on the front door, and tell her when it's not convenient to be around.

narna · 03/07/2010 12:29

YANBU i would get another lock on the gate too,it would drive me crackers if it became a regular thing.

ronx · 03/07/2010 12:33

YANBU - it's your house.

cocolepew · 03/07/2010 12:36

I wouldn't speak to the parents, just lock the gate. We had visits from children up the street. We were in the back and they camein the front door ans into my dds room. I found them playing computers

AgentProvocateur · 03/07/2010 13:13

I think it's odd that so many of you think it's odd!

She came to play with your DC. That's how children make friends.

Why not just let her in, ask which house was hers and go and introduce yourself to her parent - you might make a new friend too! And these things are usually reciprocal - your DC could go and play in her garden.

If there are times when it's not convenient, just say so. Locking her out of your garden seems like a complete overreaction. She's an 8 year old child!

2rebecca · 03/07/2010 13:19

If she was similar age to your kids and they wanted to play with her fine. It sounds like she wants to play with your stuff not your kids and is too old and a pain to supervise. I'd shoo her out and tell her no she can't play you're busy. A bolt that adults can reach from outside but kids can't may be handy if she keeps being a pest.

more · 03/07/2010 13:49

Take it as a compliment!!
You say she just opened the back gate. She could probably hear you all in there, and she found your family really nice the last time. You also say that she did immediately start a conversation, and from the phrasing you have written it is a child's way of asking permission to come in and play. She did not just waltz in and start playing.
You are the adult and if you did not like that she did not knock on your front door, and wait for you or shout through the gate, then you should really have told her so, and explained that this is what she should do in the future.
Also again you are the adult, if it bothers you that much that you don't know her parents, do what I did when we first moved here. A kid came knocked on the door, and asked if she could play with my kids, I said yes but she needs to go give her mum my phonenumber and address, and bring back her own with her mum's or dad's name on it and address. Another time I went back with her and introduced myself to her parents and explained that we lived just down the street and here is our no.
I do however respect that we aren't all the same. I love to have my house filled with kids, it keeps my kids entertained, and they learn to socialise a lot better in my view (I could be wrong however).

secunda · 03/07/2010 14:02

YANBU

This kid is nothing to do with you. I bet the parents are just sick of her and send her off to be cared for by any randomer because they can't be bothered. It's not really your problem, you should save your time for your kids and not be a mug. Lock the gate for sure, and just keep saying no every time she comes round

2rebecca · 03/07/2010 14:19

I agree with More though that as the adult you don't have to give her explanations of why she can't play and can just ask her to knock at the gate not walk in and tell her it's not convenient. If you feel it will never be convenient as your kids are too young then tell her that.
When I was younger all the kids in the close used to play together regardless of ages, but mums worked less then and the parents all knew each other.
I wouldn't let my kids when age 8 just wander off down the road, letting themselves in other people's back gardens if I didn't know the adults or their kids.

greenbananas · 03/07/2010 14:28

My reaction to this is nearly always to say "Well, I need to speak to your parents first". And then I go to see the parents, (usually having first explained that "but my mum says it's okay" will not suffice). Sometimes the parents are horrified that their child has been so intrusive.

Although I don't allow totally random children in to play, I do allow pretty much anybody who has been given proper permission. This means that one summer I was completely overrun with children who came charging round to play as soon as they got up, and I had to impose a "No Sundays" rule. So - be aware that you might 'open the floodgates'...

and yes, take it as a compliment.

2rebecca · 03/07/2010 15:22

But surely if they are coming to play in your garden then you are the adult who should be giving permission? The opinion of the kids' parents is irrelevent.
I feel the main issues here are that the girl isn't playing with the OP's kids, just playing with their toys and that the OP doesn't want her there and she's playing with toys requiring adult supervision.
I'd just chase her out with an "it's not convenient, bye"
Pushy kids require pushy adults.

PeedOffWithNits · 03/07/2010 15:25

YANBU, some people kick their kids out all day to play and just dont want the bother of interacting with or looking after them - they want free childcare and someone else to be keeping an eye out for them

if you once make this kid welcome, you will never get rid. the parents will be buggering off to the shop etc without telling you "cos we knew where she was" and you will end up feeding her when she shows no signs of being called for a meal. my friend got rid of her climbing frame cos the local kids treated her house like a park and expected access to it every time her own kids were playing out

when we moved into this house 10 yrs ago, neighbourhood kids were snooping all over straight away, asking us all sorts of questions, following the removal men, trying to get in the van. I mean, we could have been ANYONE, the kids could have been hurt, not to mention the sheer lack of manners of getting in soemones way whan they are so busy.......same kids would fall off their bikes and scream and no parent would come

some kids are neglected and dragged up

thatbuzzingnoise · 03/07/2010 15:31

YANBU. I feel sorry for the child but her popping round uninvited could one day inadvertently cause a lot of grief.

A friend had this with a much younger child. The adult opened friend's gate for her and let the child in then locked the gate behind child. (Friend's dd and this little girl were friends) Dead bolt, up too high for the child to do it on her own. No one was even at home. Friend came home from shops to hear someone rattling her back door. Don't know how long the child was there alone in her garden. A worrying thing is also what if her dh had come home (alone) first to discover a then 3yo girl in his back garden. (My DH said he would have called the police.)

nagoo · 03/07/2010 15:34

I am in the misery camp

Why do I want to look after some strangers' bloody kid?

Bolt the gate immediately.

whatname · 03/07/2010 15:37

Ah, she just wants to play. I know it's a bit weird but don't blame her.

AnnieLobeseder · 03/07/2010 15:38

I can't believe the people who say you're a misery guts!! I'm more than happy for children I know, my DD's fiends and even their siblings, to come over and play pretty much any time. But a random child who my children don't know and isn't even the same age?!?! No way! It's weird and she needs to find proper friends her own age, with proper contact, introductions and consent between the parents. As others have said, if she injures yourself, firstly you don't know who to contact, and secondly, you would be opening yourself up to the possibility of a lawsuit.

Tell her not to come back ever.