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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want a strange child letting herself into my garden?

116 replies

mitochondria · 02/07/2010 19:27

We were sitting in the garden today, after school. There was a scrabbling noise. Gate opens. Small girl appears.

"My dad says I can come and play"

I don't know this child, although she lives in our street. She joined in with my boys last time they were cleaning the car on the drive with their dad. That day, she then came into our garden and started bouncing on our trampoline. I asked her if her parents knew where she was, so she went to tell them.

Today, we were just about to go and visit grandparents, who live locally, so told her it wasn't a good time.

"When will you be back? Can I come then?"

No, because then we will be eating our meal.

"What time will you be doing that? Can I come afterwards?"

No, because I want to spend time with my family. (I didn't say that last bit).

Girl is about 8 years old. My sons are 5 and 3. They don't know her either, she doesn't go to their school (different uniform).

Is this not a bit odd? I wouldn't let my boys go and pester some random family. Am worried now that she'll be turning up all summer.

Would it be unreasonable to bolt the gate from the inside so she can't get in?

Or is this just me being antisocial again?

Should I get rid of the trampoline?

OP posts:
teaandcakeplease · 02/07/2010 19:57

I live in some 1940's flats in a nice area, 3 floors, each with a tiny balcony. On the ground floor my neighbour downstairs has a little girl of the same age as my DS, my DD is 17 months older than them. However she loves going and playing downstairs with them, out the back in the communal garden etc. I try very hard despite the fact she's only 2.11 yrs to explain that she can't go every day and see them, and always ask if it is ok first, if she see's them outside and wants to join in. I sincerely hope they do not think the same as some of you do I always bake them cakes to say thank you or give them bottles of wine and 9 times out of 10, I come down too with my other child IYSWIM? But I try to not over stay my welcome.

QueenofDreams · 02/07/2010 20:00

T&C I see that differently - it's a COMMUNAL garden, so she has just as much right to be there as the other children. She's not going and letting herself into their flat is she?

This girl is just letting herself onto someone else's property, which is a different matter.

Goblinchild · 02/07/2010 20:00

'Girl is about 8 years old. My sons are 5 and 3. They don't know her either, she doesn't go to their school (different uniform).'

Bit different to your situation t&c.

Ah yes, my retirement cottage. Yes please belle, all ideas welcomed.
I was thinking of a deep pit BBQ. I've never tried Hawaiian cooking.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 02/07/2010 20:04

I suppose I hanker for the old days when all the kids played together outside, from the whole area, was really nice for the kids (but probably extremely annoying for the parents!)

LetThereBeRock · 02/07/2010 20:07

YANBU.

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 02/07/2010 20:07

A pizza oven is a great idea aswell.

traceybath · 02/07/2010 20:09

Lol at Goblin.

And I don't think you're a misery guts at all - the little girl shouldn't just be coming into your garden.

And more to the point her parents should know where she is and not just let her intrude upon other people.

You see this is what puts me off having neighbours - just don't get this problem with the cows in the neighbouring fields

Do feel a little sad for the girl though.

Original poster
mitochondria · 02/07/2010 20:15

She didn't actually play with the boys at all. Just went into our shed to see what sort of toys they had. They stood there looking a bit bemused.

I think it was the rudeness that bothered me. If she had knocked on the gate and said "Is it OK if I come and play?" I might have been slightly less miserable about it.
We were still just about to go out though.

OP posts:
alicet · 02/07/2010 20:44

We have a lovely set up in our estate where 7 houses all back onto the same back lane. 4 of the families (and sometimes one other) get on really well. Our children go in and out of each others gardens (not if gate shut though if not invited although our next door neighbours have said boys can go and use their trampoline if they like when they're out and we have reciprocated with our climbing frame). And us grown ups share wine / nibbles / chat. Sometimes if one of us has stuff to do the others look after the kids. Noone takes the mickey and it works great - I love it.

However this is totally different to a child we didn't know pitching up. If that happened I wouldn't be happy either. Not least because when you don't know the parents you are putting yourself in a very vulnerable position. She could go back and say ANYTHING about you. Ok so that is probably paranoid but I don't care. I am always happy to help a friend with their children but I'm not taking care of a strangers child unless it was an emergency.

MustHaveaVeryShortMemory · 02/07/2010 20:50

YANBU. Get a bolt and a padlock - good basic security anyway .

NonnoMum · 02/07/2010 20:55

Blimey - strange child arriving. Won't go. Sounds like something off Dr Who.

Was she transparent? Or did she have any strange gadgets with her?

ivykaty44 · 02/07/2010 20:58

this is so sad - I can't beleive how things have changed in my life time I shall go and weep in the corner and be thankful my dd's and the other children up and down the street didn't have parents like op - they all played all ages and this is hwo children talk and ask question - ITS NORMAL

nancydrewrocks · 02/07/2010 20:58

This girls 'pushy' behaviour is the sort of thing that seems utterly bizarre, irritating and unreasonable when your DC are 3 & 5.

When your DC are older it is normal and your reaction will seem bizarre, irritating and unreasonable. Although I do draw the line at random children helping themselves from the drinks fridge...!

PlanetEarth · 02/07/2010 21:01

No way would I let her in, even if we weren't just going out. Misery guts? Strange comment. Adults you barely know don't just invite themselves round to your garden to sit in your deckchairs or sunbathe on your lawn, do they? It's just not normal, and she obviously needs to learn that. (And so, maybe, do her parents).

alicet · 02/07/2010 21:02

Ivykate we have this set up too.

Presumably though the key difference between yours and my set ups and that of the OP is that you actually KNEW the children / parents in question in which case yes, it is great.

Not so great if you don't know the parents from Adam and something happened to this girl. And not so great to be used as free childcare by a total stranger when you want to have family time. I wouldn't be happy with this.

Just a thought op - I wouldn't presume that the childs dad ASKED her to come over - it may be simply that last time you had told her to check with her paretns so this time she is being crafty and telling you its OK rather than having parents who don't give a sh*t. Where we live 8 year olds ride around in groups on bikes and all look out for each other so it wouldn't be odd that parents didn't realise either.

I could be wrong but I'd think of this before you say anything to her parents

mozette · 02/07/2010 21:08

ivykaty I don't think it is normal to go strolling into someelses garden to play. I certainly didn't do it when I was wee and there is no way that my DD will be doing it.

As someone said, after working all day the last thing I would want to do is entertain a random child who can't take a hint

Original poster
mitochondria · 02/07/2010 21:11

I suppose I am being a little selfish. As a pp said, I have other people's children to look after all day. I like to just have mine at home. Or their friends, who have been invited and who are actually interested in playing with them and not just their toys.

I think I might find out where she lives, go and introduce myself to her parents and suggest that my two boys might like to go and play in their garden for the afternoon.

Mwah ha ha ha.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 02/07/2010 21:12

No a;licet - I didn't know the children or the parents...BUT gueess what I made some great friends by going and knowcking on the front door and saying "is it ok if xxx plays in the garden with my dd?

This is why it is so sad that neither the op or the op's dh went and found the parnnts and said is it ok if xxx washes the car with uis - and oh hello your my nieghbotr we are such and such.

People seems to live in bubbles and it is really sad - cos actuall to just be aquanted would be good, a few words hear and there.

sad sad and sad

GiddyPickle · 02/07/2010 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

booyhoo · 02/07/2010 21:21

traceybath we were always finding random cows in our garden when we lived in the country. we loved it, dad's lovely garden didn't

ChippingIn · 02/07/2010 21:23

A spot of fence sitting....

YANBU in wanting to spend the little time you get with your boys with just your boys or friends of your/their choosing.

YABU in thinking that this is strange/abnormal behaviour from a child. Although not so common these days as parents are far more restrictive with their children, but this was/would be more common when children were allowed 'out to play'

When she comes back, if she lets herself into the garden just ask her not to do that and tell her if she wants to play she needs to knock at the door.

Next time, when you aren't going out, let her in to play with the boys, if they have a good time - then great, a new friend. If she's a pain in the bum, send her home and next time say 'No, not today, we're busy'. Just remember that children have to learn social boundaries - so be ready for the questions. It's annoying - but not abnormal!

hairytriangle · 02/07/2010 21:36

Well yabu, as it's your garden, but bless her, she probably just wants to play ! perhaps she's lonely and enjoys playing with your kids.

ipodmama · 02/07/2010 21:47

YANBU - The father could be a serial litigationer- sent his DD round strangers (thats you ) garden and has prepped her to have a 'little accident' on your trampoline. Before you know it your up to your eyes in solicitors- youve seen the ads 'NO WIN NO FEE'........

MayorNaze · 02/07/2010 21:49

i think its really odd

i would be saying no not today love and locking the gate

fyimate · 02/07/2010 22:01

Get more locks on the gate for starters, but just for security.
I find it very odd that the parents havent even come over to see who you are, for all they know you could be dangerous! Maybe they've seen you with your DC's so are taking the "whatever, she has kids so it's fine" stance? Either you block this child out completely or go round to her house and speak to the parents. If you see they are drunken chavie layabouts then I think you have your answer to the girl's behaviour.
Sounds to me like the parents dont care where she goes...unless she just sneaks out the house?!
At 8 I would want to know where my DD is all the time!! And would never let her just walk up to strangers, especially walk into their house!!

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