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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

confused about abortion

86 replies

leona33 · 02/07/2010 16:48

i really dont no how to start here. i feel i am lost for words.

ok will start with some background, have been with dp for 5 years and we hv 3 dcs under 4.

things are very hard atm. i am 8 weeks pregnant and know i can not have this baby. everyday is a struggle i am suffering from depression and find looking after the dcs hard going. i constantly feel tired and feel that i could be giving them more. i feel as if we are struggling to survive atm let alone live.

i know i have to have an abortion. but can any one explain why my body is urging me to love this baby? i had a scan yesterday and just wanted to see the baby more than anything, i was screaming inside when the nurse had finished and i hadnt seen the baby. my friend is preg and when she brings up midwife appointments i feel so sad. why is this? when i know we cannot cope with another baby, why is my body yearning to keep it?

i hate the thought of arbortion i really do. but i have to think of the dcs i already have.

i feel as if i am buckling under the pressure and stress of this. i am a mess. i need some help and i am constantly feeling anxious and stressed. please help.

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 02/07/2010 16:50

i don't know i'm sorry
feel so bad for you
would adoption seem better to you?

msrisotto · 02/07/2010 16:51

Oh leona i'm so sorry you're going through this. Do you have anyone you can talk to about this? You can't help differences in your head and your heart, painful though it is, you obviously have instincts that differ from your conscience.

slushy · 02/07/2010 16:54

Because your instinct is to protect your baby you must do what is right for you, but abortion is not a easy option 6years after mine I still regret it I am sorry to say I am only saying this because I wish someone had told me this before .

Original poster

leona33 · 02/07/2010 16:54

thankyou for being nice to me i think i deserve a thrashing.

stealth i know i could not carry this baby and then give he or she away. it would kill me.

msrisotto i feel like i cant talk this through with anyone. i feel wrong fr wanting to love this child when i know how hard things are atm. i feel as if i admit i want to feel something for this baby i wont be able to have an abortion.

OP posts:

slushy · 02/07/2010 16:55

Damn name change didn't work .

Original poster

leona33 · 02/07/2010 16:56

slushy i am so sorry

i am sat here in tears. i just dont know what to do.

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 02/07/2010 16:56

It's mother nature doing her thing.

I'm presuming you will be offered counciling, and if you really feel you can't go through with the pregnancy, find out about couciling as soon as possible, and have the termination as soon as possible, or you won't be able to go through with it at all.

Sending you lots of hugs, I know how you feel.

NomNom · 02/07/2010 16:56

You poor thing

I can't advise anything other than to tell you that when I had an abortion, the only way I could go through with it was to deliberately and coldly make damn sure that I didn't get attached to the pregnancy. No looking at scan pics, no thinking of it as a potential child, nothing. I knew having another baby was wrong for me and my family so protected myself in the only way I knew how.

It sounds to me like you'd benefit from some urgent counselling on what your next move should be. I'm sure the dr could organise something considering your feelings about it.

Take care.

Jaquelinehyde · 02/07/2010 16:56

Leona you poor thing, this is a heartbreaking situation. Have you spoken to DP about it?

How old are your other dc's and when you say you are just surviving is this all emotionally or are you fonancially struggling too?

msrisotto · 02/07/2010 16:57

Does he know that you are pregnant?

twolittlemonkeys · 02/07/2010 16:58

I would never have an abortion myself, but know several people who have, one of whom bitterly regrets it. I think if you are in any doubt you should continue with the pregnancy or this will haunt you. JMO. How about SPB's suggestion of adoption?

msrisotto · 02/07/2010 17:00

And a lot of people don't regret it. You have to decide for yourself unfortunately but having the support of your partner will no doubt make it slightly easier either way.

winnybella · 02/07/2010 17:02

I had an abortion, but I didn't want another child and didn't have any maternal feelings for the embryo.
Now, remembering how I felt about my (wanted)DCs in early pregnancy- I think if your instinctive response to having termination is a 'no' doing it can be extremely traumatic.

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 02/07/2010 17:03

I had a termination and it's haunted me ever since - it is definatly not an easy option. I have (soon to be) 3 DSs 4 and under, DS3 was a complete suprise and I know I'll struggle to cope esp. with depression myself. I would say you need to really get help, from every source you can. From my experience I am far more of a wreck for having had an abortion than if I had had the baby. If you thought /knew you could cope, had a bed of support etc, would you feel different?

PlasticCenturion · 02/07/2010 17:05

You need to talk to somebody. You don't deserve a thrashing. I think regretting an abortion is something you do if you do not feel supported, make a snap judgement or go against your true wishes. If it is right for you and you choose it as the path for you, it does not stand to reason that you will regret it.

Please see your GP who will refer you on straight away. Or straight to your family planning clinic if you have one nearby. You need to talk to somebody and then make a decision.

I am so sorry.

thesecondcoming · 02/07/2010 17:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

slushy · 02/07/2010 17:06

Leona I think you really should speak with someone. This is a hard choice ( I would say the hardest) and you should not do it alone. Although what I did does still hurt me I know I had no other choice. I am really sad you have to make this choice I hope you will speak with someone.

drloves · 02/07/2010 17:07

Leona just want to give you a big hug across internet.((hug)).
Its a very hard choice you are about to make, there are no right or wrong choices here. The only thing you can do is make the choice based on what you really want. Your body is flooded with hormones that just make it harder.
No one who has an abortion really likes the thought of having one, but sometimes its necessary.
Talk to your dp , really talk about how you feel about the scan.
Dont just do something because you think you have too.(regardless of choice)
Depression is awful to live with , it makes the smallest of things seem almost impossible to do. Have you got a good gp/councellor you can talk to ?
If you get the right help with managing the depression it can work wonders.
Even changing your meds to another type might just be enough to lift you back up.

Confuzled · 02/07/2010 17:10

It's quite normal to start off an impossible pregnancy certain you need an abortion, and then the hormones kick in and every instinct you have is to protect the foetus. It's how we're programmed, most of the time. For what it's worth, I too had an abortion of a baby I desperately wanted to keep - I did see it on the scan - and 8 years on, I don't regret it and it doesn't haunt me at all. It was the only choice I could make at the time and, sad as I will always be when I think about it, I rarely do and I know it was the right choice. Or rather, because in this situation there is no right choice, it was the least unbearable one in the situation at the time. Nobody can know in advance whether they will regret a termination or not, sadly, but my own experience is that life moves on and you move past it, as with all hard experiences.

Be kinder to yourself. You are in a horrendous situation, and worrying about the impact on your existing dc, not yourself. That is not selfish. Can I suggest that you contact Homestart? Three under 4s is more than almost anyone could cope with, and Hom-start will give you a bit of respite and support. That is exactly what they are there for. You need and deserve some support, and so do your kids, irrespective of your choice over this pregnancy. Mothering is bloody hard, and Homestart exists as a result.

I agree on the urgent counselling. Try to focus on what you need for yourself and your family, and you are in such a hard place. I'm so sorry.

boiledegg1 · 02/07/2010 17:13

Feel very for you. It sounds as though you want it in your heart but not your head. these people offer counselling to help you decide.

Original poster

leona33 · 02/07/2010 17:18

drloves i have been struggling as i have not told anyone i am depressed, i wasnt even sure it was that myself. but i just feel numb sometimes no motivation or energy and yes the smallest task seems impossible. for example i have just cooked my dcs a roast. i got the chicken and potatos done and then started to panic about getting the veg done. then i wasnt sure if i could do it at all. sounds ridiculous doesnt it. but this is what my life is like all the time.

yes my dp knows and he has said he will support me whatever i do. however he has said he does not think we could cope with another and thinks abortion is for the best. i want to agree with him and to some extent i do.

our dcs are
dc1 3.10
dc2 18months
dc3 6 months

thankyou everyone for your kind words

OP posts:

MathsMadMummy · 02/07/2010 17:18

hugs to you OP

and slushy - sorry your namechange didn't work but don't worry about it, nobody is judging you either.

I have no idea what to say Leona, but it has to absolutely be your decision xxx

Confuzled · 02/07/2010 17:26

Boiledegg1, that phoneline is run by hardline anti-abortion Christians. I personally think you should mention that fact when recommending it.

slushy · 02/07/2010 17:29

Thanks mathsmadmummy .

pranma · 02/07/2010 17:30

No one can decide for you but your op is so very sad.If you are depressed now I think an abortion would devastate you whatever else happened.Your oh has said he will support you and in your position I think I would keep the pregnancy-you already love the baby.
Good Luck whatever you decide.

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