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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

confused about abortion

86 replies

leona33 · 02/07/2010 16:48

i really dont no how to start here. i feel i am lost for words.

ok will start with some background, have been with dp for 5 years and we hv 3 dcs under 4.

things are very hard atm. i am 8 weeks pregnant and know i can not have this baby. everyday is a struggle i am suffering from depression and find looking after the dcs hard going. i constantly feel tired and feel that i could be giving them more. i feel as if we are struggling to survive atm let alone live.

i know i have to have an abortion. but can any one explain why my body is urging me to love this baby? i had a scan yesterday and just wanted to see the baby more than anything, i was screaming inside when the nurse had finished and i hadnt seen the baby. my friend is preg and when she brings up midwife appointments i feel so sad. why is this? when i know we cannot cope with another baby, why is my body yearning to keep it?

i hate the thought of arbortion i really do. but i have to think of the dcs i already have.

i feel as if i am buckling under the pressure and stress of this. i am a mess. i need some help and i am constantly feeling anxious and stressed. please help.

OP posts:

Original poster

leona33 · 02/07/2010 18:14

congratulations drloves! thats fantastic .

congrats on your twins, how wonderful!

thanks for showing me a light at the end of the tunnel.

OP posts:

drloves · 02/07/2010 18:15

i once cried because i had streaks on my window ....tescos depresses everyone , they probably didnt notice ((hugs))

EricNorthmansmistress · 02/07/2010 18:15

Jesus OP you are in a bind FWIW I would not have another child with two so young, let alone a 3+ yo as well. Of course your instinct is telling you to keep the 'baby' - you are a mum and a woman and biology is strong. It doesn't mean it's necessarily the right thing to do (it might be, I'm only saying that biology makes fools of us all sometimes) and sometimes we have to make hard choices. I wish you the best.

And when the dust has settled I urge you to look into a more reliable method of contraception. You seem to have been constantly pregnant for 4 years.

MeandMyKid · 02/07/2010 18:17

Talking from experience you will really regret having an abortion. It mentally scarred me for years. I would urge you to have this child and get sterilised or get OH to have the snip so this doesn't happen again.

EricNorthmansmistress · 02/07/2010 18:19

Have read the rest of your posts. I see you feel you could manage if you weren't depressed - then go and sort the depression, put the decision on hold, a medical abortion can be done up to 13 (?) weeks and is not too horrible a procedure. Go and sort it, now. You will think more clearly when you take the black dog in hand.

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 02/07/2010 18:19

I think sterilisation is abit extreme but , obviously if it's what you want, you do need to plan what you want to use afterwards. I have researches and researched and for me a copper coil sounds best - no daily pills to think about, or puke up, no condoms to have to use and from what I have read it seems the best option with depression as it has no hormones - you can have it put in from 6 weeks after birth and forget about it for 5-10 years.

MathsMadMummy · 02/07/2010 18:21

so do I take it you're not on anti-depressants? (sorry just skim-read the rest of the thread

anyway I just started sertraline as it's one I can take while BFing but I found out you can also take it while pregnant so it may be worth considering?

Original poster

leona33 · 02/07/2010 18:29

no i am not on anti depressants mathsmadmummy. thanks for that.

if i was put on anti depressants doyou think they would help so quickly? so that i would be able to feel on top of things by the time the baby was born? i dont want to make our situation worse and thinking about it getting worse scares the hell out of me.

OP posts:

Original poster

leona33 · 02/07/2010 18:37

i am off now to bath my dcs ready for bed. thankyou for everyone who has taken the time to post. often i get panicy about bathing them but tonight i feel ok, so talking this through has helped me so much. thankyou.

i will be abck on later once i my dcs are in bed so im not ignoring anyone x

OP posts:

tadjennyp · 02/07/2010 18:40

If you are only 8 weeks then you would have another 7 months to get things sorted. I had post-natal depression which kicked in around 5 months after ds' birth. I forgot how to cook too. The anti-depressants did help as they took the edge of the despair I was feeling. Get as much help as you can with your three to give you some breathing space. You don't have to make this decision today but you do need to go to the GP to get help. I hope you feel better soon.

MathsMadMummy · 02/07/2010 18:40

problem is everybody's different - but it sounds like they're worth a try. my PND is very mild and they've made a difference very fast.

they're not a magic bullet for everyone though, it depends really if there's other issues behind your feelings, as you may benefit from counselling too.

either way, whatever you end up deciding about the baby, you need to get the depression sorted ASAP. please remember there is no need to be embarrassed about it xxx

Confuzled · 02/07/2010 19:11

Honestly, and as another PND sufferer, the biggest help of all was more sleep, and the occasional bath without little people crying for attention. Drugs too, but if you can put some support in place that means you feel less like every day sucks more out of you than you had to start with, and more rest, things could look a lot better. Friends and family plus HomeStart could be a godsend in your situation.

Is there a Mumsnet meeting near to you? A Surestart Centre you could take all the kids to so you could have a coffee and talk to other mothers while they play? Mothering is hard. You love them so much you'd die for them, but at the same time sometimes you just want an off switch, and other adults can help provide a measure of that, to me anyway.

I'm honestly not anti-abortion, as my posts show. I've had one myself, and don't regret it. But if the depression is the reason, and not having 4 kids, then I do urge you to think very carefully indeed, and look into what support and help can be accessed so you are less depressed. Even if you do still decide on a termination, at least you will know it was an informed choice, and the right one in your situation.

Confuzled · 02/07/2010 19:12

"whatever you end up deciding about the baby, you need to get the depression sorted ASAP."

Agreed. Your kids need you to do it as well. (That always works on me as a guilt trip. ;))

lovingthesun · 02/07/2010 19:22

I just wanted to add a postive about having an abortion (if that's possible) I had one almost 13 years ago & have never regretted it, ever.
I've also had a miscarriage (at 8 weeks) & that was far far worse.

I now have 2 DC who are 7 & 3, a husband, house, stability etc. I couldn't have coped 13 years ago - I could have got by, but that's it & imo, it wasn't enough.

Agree though you must get your depression sorted out, help you cope with your other DC - they need you to be well.

ChippingIn · 02/07/2010 19:26

Leona (HUG) the situation you are in sounds awful. I agree with everyone who says you need to go to the Doctors and get some AD's. However, I would go to a different GP as yours sounds awful. I have never been on AD's myself, but I have friends on them and the difference is amazing - they have all started to feel able to cope with life and 'normal' (fwtw!!).

I have never had a termination myself, but having read many of these threads over the years, there are plenty of women who cope fine and have no regrets, but they do seem to be the ones who aren't questioning it as you are - the ones who really didn't want to mostly seem to regret it. I think if you could get some AD's sorted - your whole life would look different and you can't undo a termination... I wouldn't do it.

If you were prepared to say what area you are in, you would probably get some lovely MNers offering to help you out a bit with your LO's so you can get yourself sorted out.

Whatever you decide to do regarding this pregnancy you need to get your contraception sorted out so you don't put yourself under this stress again x

CinnabarRed · 02/07/2010 19:27

Just wanted to let you know that I too am on sertraline for PND (have two DSs; DS2 is 11 weeks old), I'm BF and the ADs made the most amazing difference in under a week. My PND was crippling - I was suicidal and unable to get out of bed some days.

If you are as fortunate with your ADs as I was then not only will you be sorted by the birth, but maybe even by the second trimester.

MathsMadMummy · 02/07/2010 19:38

I've been looking at the HomeStart site, looks like a great scheme.

hope kids bedtime is going ok

CinnabarRed · 02/07/2010 19:42

I've just checked the sertraline packaging and it says that it generally takes 2-4 weeks to take effect.

Easywriter · 02/07/2010 20:38

Leona 33, I just want to send you some of my love as you are in a desperate situation that is being made harder with your pregnancy.

First of all a well mummy is the backbone of a well family so you need to sort out your depression as a priority.

I too am on sertraline (though my depression isn't post natal), I began just over a year ago. I found everything SO hard and I would probably start crying at least 10 times an hour. The sertraline (after about 4 weeks) allowed me enough head space to think clearly and it strikes me (that as well as some sleep) this is desperately what you need.

I don't profess to know anything about abortions but I think you need to be able to think clearly to make a decision that you can live with.

Whatever you decide, people like me will be thinking of you and (virtually) supporting you, but get yourself that headspace first.

Big hugs

nancydrewrocks · 02/07/2010 20:47

Leona I feel for you I really do. Sometimes abortion is the right thing to do. I had one 15 years ago and at the time part of me desperately wanted to keep the baby but I knew it wasn't the right thing for me (different circs to you - I was very young).

It was not easy and I occasionally wonder what if - but only in the most vague of manners - but I have never once regretted it.

And boiledegg that was out of order

DingALongCow · 02/07/2010 21:18

I had an abortion two weeks ago with what would have been my third child after a multiple contraceptive failure. It was absolutely the right thing to do (physically, mentally and financially) but it was the hardest decision I have ever made in my entire life. I was so close to sprinting out of the clinic and it was a battle between my logical side and my maternal side and there was lots of waiting around in the clinic which gave me plenty of time to reflect. Part of me so desperately wanted that child but the rest of me knew I could not cope with the consequences. The scan at the clinic was the worst point as I watched the women slide the unseen picture of my baby into my notes and she told me how far along I was- five weeks and six days, something I dont think I will ever ever forget.

I opted for a surgical procedure without sedation to get out quicker and it was quick, only 2-3 minutes, it was somewhat brutal but not particularly painful. Recovery physically has been uneventful but the first week I spent as an emotional wreck. Now the pain has faded somewhat but sometimes it hits me like a sledgehammer in the stomach and I find myself curled in a ball sobbing and wondering what if. These have got further and further apart but I dont think I will ever forget this.

Abortion was totally right for me for many reasons, but it is certainly not easy and having had children before I think makes it harder as you have all those memories of happy pregancies, scans etc. If you got your depression sorted out do you think you could cope with the physical reality of another person to look after and be responsible for - this is what it boiled down to for me, I knew deep down that my existing two stretch me to the limit, I have no more to give. Can you logically and clearly see a fourth child joining your family. If you can then everything else is manageable I think. For what its worth I struggled in the way you describe with DC 2 and seriously debated abortion with him but the difference was I knew I could just about manage two and the benefits outweighed the negatives. He is a joy and I love him to bits but as I said I struggle every day to balance the needs of the children with my own.

I hope that made sense, its not something I find very easy to talk about and only DH and my mum know I had it done but I had their support all the way with whatever I had decided.

Confuzled · 02/07/2010 22:47

"can someone expain to me what homestart is please? sorry if i sound stupid, just i havent heard of it."

Sorry, sorry I missed this - basically volunteers support you in mothering the under fives. They are all CRB checked and trained, have all been parents so know what hell on wheels it can sometimes be, and will play with your kids so you can do the housework, or do the housework while you play with your kids, or alternatively just listen to you and support you emotionally. They also run all sorts of schemes, toy libraries and so on. They'e sort of a friend who is meant to be one sided, so all to support you, not anything back expected.

I really think that if you have a local scheme and can get on it, that time to yourself could be a real help. After all, it's what we all lack with babies and toddlers.

Confuzled · 02/07/2010 22:48

DingALongCow, sharing that was really brave of you, and it was also really good advice.

Original poster

leona33 · 03/07/2010 00:54

thankyou everyone for your replies. i have been thinking it through all night and still my heart says one thing and my head another.

DingALongCow thankyou for taking the time to share your experience. you are very brave and i respect you alot. it cant have been easy for you to share your story and write it down. hope your ok now and recovering well.

i am definatly going to get help for the depression, without a doubt.

everytime i think about having an abortion all my instincts are screaming no but in reality i no it wont be easy. i want my dcs to enjoy their lives and not struggle. however i look at my dcs and my heart melts. i have so much love for them that it makes me sad to think i could terminate their sibling but in the same sense it makes me sad to think they will be affected if we have another child.

maths thanks for thinking about us at bedtime. it went really well tonight dcs loved their bath and enjoyed playing. i ahve also pureed dc3 a weeks worth of chicken and veg, so that takes some weight off my shoulders.

thanks for everyone who has posted.

OP posts:

MathsMadMummy · 04/07/2010 10:59

how are you doing today leona? didn't get online yesterday, but thought of you. hope you're ok.

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