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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

confused about abortion

86 replies

leona33 · 02/07/2010 16:48

i really dont no how to start here. i feel i am lost for words.

ok will start with some background, have been with dp for 5 years and we hv 3 dcs under 4.

things are very hard atm. i am 8 weeks pregnant and know i can not have this baby. everyday is a struggle i am suffering from depression and find looking after the dcs hard going. i constantly feel tired and feel that i could be giving them more. i feel as if we are struggling to survive atm let alone live.

i know i have to have an abortion. but can any one explain why my body is urging me to love this baby? i had a scan yesterday and just wanted to see the baby more than anything, i was screaming inside when the nurse had finished and i hadnt seen the baby. my friend is preg and when she brings up midwife appointments i feel so sad. why is this? when i know we cannot cope with another baby, why is my body yearning to keep it?

i hate the thought of arbortion i really do. but i have to think of the dcs i already have.

i feel as if i am buckling under the pressure and stress of this. i am a mess. i need some help and i am constantly feeling anxious and stressed. please help.

OP posts:

pranma · 02/07/2010 17:30

No one can decide for you but your op is so very sad.If you are depressed now I think an abortion would devastate you whatever else happened.Your oh has said he will support you and in your position I think I would keep the pregnancy-you already love the baby.
Good Luck whatever you decide.

DuelingFanjo · 02/07/2010 17:31

I think, if you really don't want an abortion then it would be very much the wrong thing to do. I have had one and never regretted it but you are already questioning the decision.

Can you get help for your depression?

pranma · 02/07/2010 17:31

Sorry I didnt mean to post twice and dont know how to delete one.

Squitten · 02/07/2010 17:32

You have to make the decision that you will be happy with. When my son was 5mths old, I fell pregnant again unintentionally. I felt much the same as you do now, in that I wasn't coping very well with my son and the idea of having another child made me feel sick rather than happy. Me and DH were agreed that we did not want that child and I terminated at only 5 weeks or so. I most certainly do not regret it at all and I am now pregnant again with a baby that was planned and very much wanted. I truly believe that if I had had that child, it would not have gone well for any of us.

Unfortunately, only you can know what's best for you and I wish you all the best with your decision. I would say that if you do really want to terminate, do it sooner rather than later. Good luck!

Original poster

leona33 · 02/07/2010 17:33

i feel if i keep bothering the doctors they will unable to help. when i first went to the doctor and said i could not keep the baby she treated me like dirt. no one has even explained to me what will happen or what to expect. i just feel i am being judged by them.

OP posts:

Original poster

leona33 · 02/07/2010 17:35

yes i really want to get help with the depression, i want my life back. i just dont no where to start really.

OP posts:

slushy · 02/07/2010 17:36

Leona I also want to add that I was pressured into deciding to quickly because they wanted me to have the easier option of the tablets. Don't let people try to hurry your decision take your time and think through it.

drloves · 02/07/2010 17:40

oh leona , i think you have post-natal depression (or anti-natal depression).
I get that after every birth ive had. its horrible.
Trust me on this , the best thing you can do is go to your gp and tell him/her how you are stuggleing each day.The depression itself will make you exhausted , never mind all the stuff you have to do with the little ones you have.
If you get anti-depressant tablets take them everyday.you wont think theyre doing anything
at first, because they can take up to 4 weeks to work properly. All they do is re-ballence the chemicals in your brain ,so that it works the way it should.This will make you feel better.
If you can get referred on to a councellor as well , even better! It will help your recovery and help you clarify your thoughts.
Please be aware that both giving birth and the end of pregnancy (either termination or miscarrage) can bring on post-natal depression.
.If you can get help with the kids for a couple of hours so you can "escape" for time to yourself ...even just for a cuppa at a cafe do it .It will help.X

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 02/07/2010 17:47

WOuld you feel different of someone could wave a magic wand and cure your depression? I know how you feel so well, it sounds bonkers but something as simple as boiling vegetables can be so overwhelming. It's not nice, but you have to think of the future in both situations. Your DCs wont be .310, 18m and 6m forever. I guess next sept DC1 will be at school, DC2 pre school. One day they will all be, say, 8, 6, 4 and 2 and 8 and 6 year olds (from what I know of my nephews) are quite abit easier. YOu won't be knee deep in toddlers forever, but, possibly you could be affected forever by something else. But, if it's more than that, if you really don't think it's an option to continue then you need to be clear and 100%. I didn't let myself be 'tempted' by the 'best case scenario', but I think, painful as it is, you have to think about it. Even if it's to be sure that even still you feel you cannot do it. Do you have help for your depression? I finally re-admitted to myself recently that mine is infact worse than I think and am taking everything my midwife has to offer now - Ifelt abit proud to think about homestart, but I feel now I have to bite the bullett and somewhat get my depression 'sorted' - at least a few more steps to improve it, as I had got into a hole again.

drloves · 02/07/2010 17:47

leona , no one has the right to judge you .
sometimes when depression has a grip on you it can make your perseptions of how other people act seem a bit off... the gp might have just been having a bad day herself.
Dont let that put you off going back .((hugs))
Try get the depression sorted first , then decide about the abortion .
You need to get yourself on the road of recovery before you make a final decision.

Confuzled · 02/07/2010 17:51

Marie Stopes is regarded by the anti-abortion lobby as pro-abortion as they are a medical provider. But they do have practical info on abortion options and what they involve on their website, here, that you can look at in your own time and without fear of anyone judging you.

This sort of decision is unknowable, really. Everyone responds so differently afterwards and, rather like mothering, you can't know how you will react until your choice is made. So I think the counselling, from a truly independent source, is essential in your situation.

If private care is an option, and you decide a termination really is what you want, it may be a good idea. There's not the same sort of wait for treatment. The kindness and consideration, though, should be present in the NHS. I was lucky - my GP was wonderful. Yours should be too. You absolutely should be treated with respect and compassion, and I am furious for you that that isn't happening.

Original poster

leona33 · 02/07/2010 17:54

asecretlemondedrinker yes i would feel different if i did not have this depression. as this is what is making everything a million times harder. i find it impossible to do small tasks and everything builds up on top of me. whereas before i could just rush round and have the house loking tidy in an hour now it seems impossible to do it in 10 hours.

if i did not have this i know i could physically cope with another baby and my dcs would not be affected.

OP posts:

drloves · 02/07/2010 17:58

LEONA im sitting sobbing after i read your last post .
I could have writen it 6 years ago ...please make appointment to go back to your gp.
x

Original poster

leona33 · 02/07/2010 18:01

sorry drloves so sorry to have made you cry.

ok i will go back to my gp. what can i say? i am scared i will get there and not be able to say anything.

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 02/07/2010 18:01

You really, really need to discuss the depression with your GP, and see where to go from there.

I totally understand how depression slows you up.

Do you have money and space in the house for another baby?

Confuzled · 02/07/2010 18:01

You won't be depressed forever, though, and it's treatable. If you feel you would keep the baby without the depression being involved I think that's a big red flag, tbh. That isn't you being unable to cope with 4 in general. That's you being unable to cope when also ill, and you won't be forever.

Are there friends/family who could care for the kids a bit to help you sleep more - take them to the park for a couple of hours while you go to bed, that sort of thing - sleep deprivation alone is a horrible contributor to depression. If you have 3 tiny kids no wonder you feel drained.

Please call Home-Start. Nobody can manage kids and depression and sleep deprivation alone. If you can put a support system and some treatment in place, so you aren't so depressed, then things might look really different.

drloves · 02/07/2010 18:02

i hate to nag , but if you had ear-ache youd go for anti biotics..theirs not much difference with AD`s imo. Some you can take during pregnancy (if you decide you want to continue.)

Original poster

leona33 · 02/07/2010 18:02

and drloves thankyou so much for your kind words to me. have you recovered from your depression now? hope you dont mind me asking

OP posts:

drloves · 02/07/2010 18:06

Leona , you are sweet , im supposed to be trying to help you here ,and your sorry im crying.
im crying because i remember the feeling , and being afraid and thinking id never get out of the "black pit" ....And thinking it would be better if i wasnt here then i wouldnt have to decide.
best thing i did was get the right ad`s.

Original poster

leona33 · 02/07/2010 18:07

lynette yes we have space for another baby and we could manage just about with money.

i do have friends who have dcs themselves and cant really ask them. i have my mum who helps out when she can. but she has problems herself and i dont like top put on her.

can someone expain to me what homestart is please? sorry ifi sound stupid, just i havent heard of it.

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 02/07/2010 18:07

Sure start is a brilliant idea...do call them!

LynetteScavo · 02/07/2010 18:09

sorry, I meant home-start!

Original poster

leona33 · 02/07/2010 18:09

drloves yes its awful isnt it. think i will definatly go to the doctors. i just feel like i am letting the depression take over atm. i need to get on top of it. but it just seems impossible. i burst into tears in the middlr of tesco today .

OP posts:

drloves · 02/07/2010 18:11

Yes LEONA i have , it took some doing ,a bit of juggeling with the meds but im fine now. still have off days when things can be dark...but mostly lifes good.
I ended up miscarrying in my case , but once i was getting better i found i was expecting again. ...the twins start school in summer ...i ended up with loads of kids btw , 5 births 3 step. i didnt think id cope but i have. i dont mind you asking .
i was on seroxat (made me worse ) then put on fluxotine 20mg it was uped to 40 mg before i improved. im off all meds now and have been for 2 years.

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 02/07/2010 18:13

"You won't be depressed forever, though, and it's treatable. If you feel you would keep the baby without the depression being involved I think that's a big red flag, tbh. That isn't you being unable to cope with 4 in general. That's you being unable to cope when also ill, and you won't be forever. "

I was trying to post something like that, but I am not very good at putting myself in words The way I see it, there is a few different paths. But only one I believe, from your posts, will ever be 'good' - keep the baby and get 'better'. You could have an abortion, but unless you are so sure, it'll be there, forever. If you get better afterwards, you may wonder if you could have coped. If the depression is the main reason for this, hand on heart, being brutally honest, I wouldn't have an abortion. Take all the help you can - homestart, health visitors, anything that may be happeneing at your childrens centre etc., anti depressants... I struggle with meals and get so swamped, so DH and I try and get a weeks food sorted when I am bad. He will make packed lunches to keep in the fridge so I don't have to worry about lunch, we will cook up a few meals and freeze so when I am bad, all I have to do is put the dish in the oven. There may be playgroups for your DCs that are a sort of respite - your midwife or health visitor will know.

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