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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To put my 3.5 month old baby in nursery

107 replies

strawberrycake · 02/07/2010 11:03

I'm being made to feel like an awful mother for doing this. Basically I have to work, but can afford to get by on p/t money. An excellent opportunity has come up at work for a 2 day a week well paid position and it's mine if I want it.

So my choice is-
return to work when baby is 3.5 months old for 2 days
or
wait the intended 9 months but then end up full time.

I decided the best option is the first as in the long run we have lots of quality time together and I can be around for him. I have taken him to a few nurseries to check them out and he seems to love the atmosphere. He's always loved new places/ people (we joke it started after being born with 12 people in the room!). He's not a clingy baby at all, doesn't really like too many cuddles or sleeping on people, happy in his cot and loves routine. Generally a very happy and healthy strapping boy.

However, whenever I tell other mums they react like I've decided to abandon him to the wolves! They are mainly not returning or taking the full year. I just want what's best fr him.

OP posts:

Mbear · 02/07/2010 21:46

I put ds in 3 days a week from 4.5 months as I was returning full time. Great nursery and lovely staff and he loves it (he gets all excited when he sees me putting the baby carrier on in the morning). He gets all excited to see his keyworker too, which is lovely. I did think of a childminders but the ones where I live are busy with school children am and pm so ds would end up in a pushchair for about 3 hours a day, which I didn't want.

Also, I was always going to work F/T so also thought that the earlier he started the more he would be used to it when the seperation anxiety kicked in, and cross fingers we have had none so far. Few tears if I hand him over to staff he doesn't know (holiday cover etc) but other than that it's fab.

Just before I went back I had a major wobbly and thought I had made a horrible mistake interms of returning to work and the nursery, but I just had to remember that I was so happy with it when I first saw it, so had to hold on to that. It works for us, but only you can know what is best for you.

Original poster

strawberrycake · 08/09/2010 11:39

I'm re-reading this as it's getting closer and closer and I'm getting more worried.

I REALLY love him and I feel a little torn, because I need some sort of break. I have NOONE at all to have him even for an hour. I know others out there don't either, but it's tough. I feel crap for leaving him though.

OP posts:

teenyanne · 08/09/2010 11:46

YA certainly not BU, if it works for you and your baby, sod what everyone else says. FWIW I've just gone back to work 3 days per week, with my dd at 9 1/2 mo in nursery, I felt so energized being back at work (and feeling like I am me again), I wish I hadn't such a long time off. In fact I feel that I'll probably do more activities now with her in my days off than I did when I had the whole week (and ended up putting lots of things off til "tomorrow").

Congratulations on the promotion.

wigglesrock · 08/09/2010 11:46

I put my dd1 in a nursery one day a week from 3.5 months, I went back to work part-time when she was 5 months old. I only got 6 months mat leave, she is now 5 (how did that happen!!) she is happy, healthy, outgoing, makes friends easily, took to primary school like a duck to water.

I was SAHM with dd2 who only really started to come out of herself when I returned to work at the beginning of this year (she is almost 3) If you can afford p/t work, go for it, you do need a break, get some adult routine, I have really enjoyed going back to work and I have a shitty job!!! Congratulations and good luck

Original poster

strawberrycake · 08/09/2010 11:53

Thank you. I need to stop goggling articles about this (The Times comes up A LOT). I love him dearly but I feel a bit loopy. He sleeps most the day and I just seem to wander around waiting for him to wake unable to do anything. I feel under such pressure to be a SAHM, but I hate housework, I love getting out. I love playing with him but he's still at the sleep/ grizzle age mainly.

OP posts:

Lizcat · 08/09/2010 12:00

It is normal to felt torn as you get closer to going back to work and from talking to many people it doesn't matter how long you take you still feel it.
No matter what choices you make as a mum there are judgy people around who will try and make you feel bad. We all make the best decisions for our own family with the information we have at the time.
I went back to work full time when my DD was 12 weeks old, I found a lovely nursery who had extensive experience with very little babies. In addition to eating, sleeping and being cuddled DD did body painting big piece of paper on floor splogges of paint on baby and they roll around followed by a lovely splashy bath in the huge belfast sink with the other little baby and two nursery nurses. Singing, stories, lying under baby gym, squishing playdough whilst sat on a nursery nurses knee. We still see two of the nursery nurses who looked after DD and they still have a close relationship with her 6 years on.
It was so the right choice for us.

LadyGoneGaga · 08/09/2010 12:14

2 days a week is nothing! And if you find a good nursery with carers that you and your son like he will be fine. I was completely jittery about going back to work when my son was 11 months - it just is a jittery time. And if this means you can continue two days long term it really is a golden opportunity. He'll benefit from getting to spend more time with you when he is toddling, two, three etc. I work f/t which I hate but has been a financial necessity. My little boy is fine, yours will be too.

SalFresco · 08/09/2010 12:58

DON'T GOOGLE!!!

Ignore people who are trying to make you feel bad about your decision. Your situation sounds like a fantastic balance. I agree that it is much harder to leave older children, (and they are much more fun to spend time with - when he is older, you will be glad you already have a great part time arrangement!)

You will be fine, and so will he

Manda25 · 08/09/2010 16:28

I went back to work 2 days a work when my son was 4 months old. It was a great balance .... 5 whole days to spend with my son .... and 2 days at work for a rest ;0)

Ignore people trying to make you feel bad about your decision - it has got nothing to do with them!!

btw - my son went to a nursery (i felt better about a nursery too) and loved it there until he left aged 5. He is now 8 and being 'dumped my his uncaring mother at birth' .... hasn't seemed to of effected him too much

violethill · 08/09/2010 17:33

Go for it!

I bet your ds will settle more quickly and easily than your friends' children in they take a whole year off too. From the child's perspective, the whole clingyness thing starts to kick in around 9 months -one year, so actually, the increased maternity leave actually works against childcare from that point of view. 20 years ago most of us who returned to work did so when our babies were around 3 months. Mine never had any problem settling, whereas colleagues who have babies these days are finding it harder to settle their children into nursery.

Sounds like a great job - take it.

ChippingIn · 08/09/2010 19:19

I know you said on the original part of the thread that you didn't fancy a childminder - but have you thought about it anymore? I really do think they are a better option for young babies.

Or hand him over to AuntyChippingIn I'd love to have him a couple of days a week - well I'd like to keep him actually, but would settle for a couple of days a week!!

TonariNoTotoro · 08/09/2010 19:22

Only read the first bit of the thread, but wanted to say YANBU at all. It sounds like it will work for you and will be a better option long term.

Starting nursery at 9mo can sometimes be really difficult as that tends to be when the separation anxiety is very strong.

(I had to start DS at nursery at 10mo and it was pretty hard, but I didn't have a choice unfortunately.. )

staranise · 08/09/2010 19:26

I went back to work pt when my DD1 was 16 weeks as this is standard maternity allowance in Spain (very few countries are as generous as the UK). My UK friends were horrified but it was fine, I was able to continue bfing, saw plenty of DD etc.

There's a big difference between two days a week and full-time childcare. Go for it, it sounds great.

reallytired · 08/09/2010 20:17

Needs must.

Three and half months is young to send a baby to nursery, but ten years ago it was quite common for babies to start nursery that young.

A young baby will do well in a GOOD nursery. IMHO a good nursery is better than a childminder. You have more reliable care and there is safety in that there are several adults in the room.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 08/09/2010 21:43

DD started with our CM at 8mo and I went back to work 3 days a week when she was 9mo. It is great to be back at work and I love the time I spend with DD because we have a break from each other. DD does brilliant stuff with the CM (things that I don't do with her). I was worried to start with but it's fantastic to have a purpose and to be out and about with make-up on and just a handbag (no buggy, nappies or baby!!)

In fact I'm hoping to time any future children so that I can continue working part-time.

mumeeee · 08/09/2010 21:48

I personally wouldn't put a 3 month old into nursery at all. But if you really have to work then putting your baby into nursery for 2 days will be fine and as you say you will still have a lot of time with him. It's not like you are leaving him there for 8hours a day5 days a week.

Original poster

strawberrycake · 08/09/2010 21:49

Chippin- IT's a case of finding that super-trustworthy person to leave ds with. Also finacially CM may be pushing it. A lot are around 6perhour+ 7.30-5.30 (average day) = £60 a day as opposed to nursery £40. Once I'm full-time that's £400 a month extra.

OP posts:

nelliesmum · 08/09/2010 21:59

Don't you DARE not do it..do you know how hard it is to find a decent part-time job out there???? If it was full time that would be different but Baby will be fine in nursery, mine had a wonderful time not being stuck at home with a bored and depressed mother.

By the way, if you don't want the job, let me know the name of the company, I'll have it:)

mrsfollowill · 08/09/2010 22:01

strawberry- I was in your shoes 9 years ago! Mat leave was much shorter then and I put 17 wk old DS in nursery 2 days a week. He was fine! He did this for 4 years until starting school and still remembers being there. He is happy, healthy and very well adjusted. If you are happy with your chosen nursery (as you seem to be) then go for it. You get five days at home with him and will still be his primary carer. You also will not have the problem of CM ill/on holiday. Please don't beat yourself up about this.

vbusymum1 · 08/09/2010 22:04

As some have already said going back to work after 3 mths was quite normal when I had my first over 10 years ago and nurseries had waiting lists for baby places.
This may seem strange to new mums now but no-one thought it odd at the time.
If you're happy with the nursery then you should do what works best for you and your son. I've noticed a definite anti-nursery theme on here that I've never come across in real life.
I hope your return to work goes well.

PinkElephant73 · 08/09/2010 22:08

A 2 day a week career job is gold dust - go for it!!
It will be easier for him to start nursery now than going full time at 9 months when separation anxiety has kicked in.
I had to send DS1 to fulltime nursery for a year when he was 14 months old. It was very hard, not an ideal situation but something that had to be done at the time.
He is a happy well-adjusted and loving 10 year old now so did him no harm.

scottishmummy · 08/09/2010 22:27

jump for the 2day job what a peachy deal.nursery does no harm

look at Ofsted for nursery report,ask for recommendations

and do grow thick skin, esp for the precious moments mamas and exaggerated tales of someone knows a girl who said they beat dem babies doncha know

i returned at 6mth fulltime - delighted to return.chose a excellent nursery.

minipie · 08/09/2010 22:27

Wow, am very jealous of the 2 day a week opportunity.

Do it! Long term it is clearly the best option for both of you.

DS will be fine. If you wanted to start on one day a week and build up, is there any way your DH could take a day off per week for the first couple of months (only 8 or 9 days in total) and look after DS?

(Ignore me if there is no DH/DP, can't tell from your posts).

Oh and don't read those articles! The subtext always seems to be "the world would be a better place if women remembered their place is at home with the children"... gah!

inveteratenamechanger · 08/09/2010 22:33

A friend of mine did exactly the same and is really pleased with her decision. Go for it.

womblingfree · 08/09/2010 23:49

I returned to work 3 days a week when dd was 18 weeks old. I was lucky that we had family to help out and dh worked shifts.
Dd was fine, and I realised when my friends went back when their babies were older that I would have found that a lot harder than doing what I did.

Best of luck whatever you decide.

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