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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To put my 3.5 month old baby in nursery

107 replies

strawberrycake · 02/07/2010 11:03

I'm being made to feel like an awful mother for doing this. Basically I have to work, but can afford to get by on p/t money. An excellent opportunity has come up at work for a 2 day a week well paid position and it's mine if I want it.

So my choice is-
return to work when baby is 3.5 months old for 2 days
or
wait the intended 9 months but then end up full time.

I decided the best option is the first as in the long run we have lots of quality time together and I can be around for him. I have taken him to a few nurseries to check them out and he seems to love the atmosphere. He's always loved new places/ people (we joke it started after being born with 12 people in the room!). He's not a clingy baby at all, doesn't really like too many cuddles or sleeping on people, happy in his cot and loves routine. Generally a very happy and healthy strapping boy.

However, whenever I tell other mums they react like I've decided to abandon him to the wolves! They are mainly not returning or taking the full year. I just want what's best fr him.

OP posts:

babysplotface · 02/07/2010 14:11

Sounds good, agree in DS' nursery the youngest in the baby room is very much loved.

Good luck

isthatporridgeinyourhair · 02/07/2010 14:16

Go for the part time job - sounds great. Also much easier for a baby to adjust now rather than at 9 months. Nursery care IME is equally good as a nanny or CM. You know the nursery and your baby and if you're happy then that should be the end of it.

Runoutofideas · 02/07/2010 14:17

I presume there's not a best of both worlds option where you can take the part-time promotion job but delay starting it until the time when you would have gone back anyway......?

allbie · 02/07/2010 14:44

The baby will enjoy the balance and stimulation. My babies went to nursery from 6/7months for 1 to 2 days a week for work reasons and have grown up absolutely fine! If you have to work then you have to make such decisions and 2 days a week sounds good. Trust your instincts when choosing the nursery.

cestlavielife · 02/07/2010 14:51

aboslutely fine !!

rememebr that maternity leave used to be only 16 weeks not so long ago - five years ago??

so everyone who worked put babies in nursery /childcare at 3.5 months!

i certainly did !!

cestlavielife · 02/07/2010 14:52

and only two days a week - this is hardly abandoning your child!

GetOrfMoiLand · 02/07/2010 14:57

Judgy local mums need to mind their own business. You are NOT being selfish.

2 days a week sounds great. There is NO problem with going back to work when your baby is 3 months old. I did this years ago - went back FT when dd was 3 months. Like others have said maternity leave provision was a lot less in the old days.

I have worked full time ever since and dd is 14 now - no regrets whatsoever. We are very close and she is a happy girl. You just make up for it in other ways I think - I co-slept with dd for years as it was nice to have the nightly closeness, we had sacrosant days (I had Friday afternoons off so always did something just the two of us).

Don't listen to the naysayers - someone will always be judgy.

Can't speak for nurserys as have never used them - dd went to a childminder, who I knew very well and was absolutely lovely (dd and childminder ar facebook friends now). Just do what you think is right.

Rhian82 · 02/07/2010 14:58

DS couldn't sit up when he started nursery - he was fussed over loads as the smallest (cutest!) baby there and got tonnes of stimulation and attention.

sausagelover · 02/07/2010 15:00

At this age he won't be able to sit up and play with other babies etc, but there was a 4 month old at DS's nursery when he started and she was often being carried by a member of staff or in a baby bouncer/baby gym etc and seemed to just enjoy watching what was going on and listening to the songs etc. And they sleep a lot at that age.

In the situation you described I would go for the PT option.

whoneedssleepanyway · 02/07/2010 15:07

Go for it Strawberrycake, sounds fantastic you will gain so much more in the long term.

I am with you on nursery, i was so worried about making the wrong choice on CM or Nanny, and we found a lovely nursery that DD1 has been going to for 2.5 years and DD2 has just started, 3 days a week and it is perfect.

Well done.

neverquitesure · 02/07/2010 15:40

Hi strawberrycake. You are not being selfish - you are simply seizing an opportunity to pay your mortgage and have an amazing work life balance at the same time. Yes, it would have been great if this opportunity had arisen a few months down the line, but life doesn't work that way.

DC2 has had a pt nanny since I went back to work when she was just 6 weeks old - which caused a few raised eyebrows but I am self employed so don't have the luxury of paid maternity leave or a business that ticks over by itself when I'm not there. Her and DC1 have an excellent nanny who we are all very happy with.

However, FWIW I would perhaps reconsider going down the nanny route if you can afford it - or at least ask your nursery's policy on how they will cope if and when DS has trouble settling for naps - e.g. will he be left to cry or do they have slings/wraps/carriers for unsettled babies.

mistletoekisses · 02/07/2010 15:50

OP - sounds fantastic! Go for it and forget about what others are saying to you. Gives you a fantastic work/ home balance IMO. You'll get to 9 months, leave your DC for 5 days a week and be gutted for not taking this up.

People will always find something to judge you over. Learn to let others judgements roll off you.

Original poster

strawberrycake · 02/07/2010 17:04

Wow-is this the most agreeable aibu thread ever? Thank you, you've cheered me up, I thought I was being sensible.

To the person who asked, the opportunity for p/t is now because I work in a school and the post will be created in the staffing structure at the beginning of the academic year. It'll be grabbed by others pretty quick if I don't seize it!

As I said before I have no contacts for childminder/ nanny and feel uncomfortable leaving him in the private care of an unknown. The nursery has a big friendly baby room and the staff were warm, instantly wanted to hold him/ see him. I think he'll be the darling of the baby room for months. Frankly he'd also be rather happy napping/ watching people from a bouncy chair even if he spends time in it! He loves people watching, and everyone comes to him anyway. The bigger babies kept kissing him.

I think I'm a better mum too with a little time apart, it makes me treasure the time together truely. I know everyone is different, but the odd break from each other seems to work for us.

OP posts:

Rhian82 · 02/07/2010 17:11

I'm the same, I think I'm a better mum for the time spent away. I forgot about the kissing as well - DS always had the little girls coming up and giving him kisses, they all loved him!

violethill · 02/07/2010 17:45

Sounds fabulous - don't listen to anyone who tries to tell you otherwise - they're just envious

mumbar · 02/07/2010 17:51

I had to go full time when ds 4/5 months and it was ok. I then went part time until he was a year as after going back for 6 weeks the oppotunity arose. He seems none the worse for ware for it and is now 5.10.

Do what YOU feel is best.

cleo78 · 02/07/2010 17:59

I can imagine that there is a risk that the small babies get left in bouncy chairs etc, but in my experience my DS was fussed over like there is no tomorrow!! I actually got a bit worried when he was no longer the youngest (and as I said before, because of our mat leave being 55 days from the date of delivery, they come in pretty young!), but shouldn't have been! The women who look after him are just fantastic and dote over him! And i have the extra hassle of not being at all fluent in the language here, but it has never been an issue.
The only thing I found that I didn't like was that he loved it there and them so much that one day he clung to the woman rather than trying to get to me like he usually does! I felt my heart strings then....eeks! BUT if I'm going to have a 'complaint' then I think thats probably the best one to have eh?

Chil1234 · 02/07/2010 18:02

"However, whenever I tell other mums they react like I've decided to abandon him to the wolves"

If you can remove these horribly judgemental people from your social circle, do so. So much for 'sisterhood'

cleo78 · 02/07/2010 18:06

Oh...and I'm definitely in agreement with your comment about being a better mum for it. Everyone is different, and I soon realised that I was not going to be cut out for being a full time mum and house wife (even if it had been an option!). I've always had respect for those who can do it, but now it's through the roof!!

sunny2010 · 02/07/2010 18:46

I did it. I work in nurseries but put her in a different one to where I was working when she was first born as I was studying for my childhood studies degree. I did it without a second thought and didnt cry/didnt felt guilty about it once. I dont see anything wrong with it

scottishmummy · 02/07/2010 18:50

yes it is good baby room,do it.grow a thick skin ignore nay sayers.good luck

christina1971 · 02/07/2010 21:10

Wow! Sounds ideal and rare! A really nice balance- good for you!

christina1971 · 02/07/2010 21:10

Wow! Sounds ideal and rare! A really nice balance- good for you!

iamamug · 02/07/2010 21:21

YANBU I am lucky enough to work 3 days a week in a very good job with a good salary - to walk into this job doing 3 days on this money would be impossible if I hadn't been here for a long time and then gone on maternity leave. I was f/T before DS2 and didn't even know P/T would be an option.
DS2 went to a fab nursey for the 3 days - he actually had health issues and the nursery handled them beautifully - they truly loved him and there were many tears when he moved on to school.
I was an older mum and had spent many years getting a good career and had a huge set back when off for 12 months with DS1 - it took me years to get back to where I was.
DS2 is now 8yo and I have a lovely life - the stimulation and the money at work - and the fun and joy of spending time and being around for all my boys the rest of the time -
Please don't be bullied by other mums that don't have this opportunity - go for it - you are very lucky and obviously earned the promotion.

PaulineCampbellJones · 02/07/2010 21:25

Go for it! I wish I had such a good option as you. My DD is the youngest in the baby room (6 months now). She is very much loved by the nurses and has really started to develop quickly because of all the things they do with her.
Also much better long term for you. Good luck!

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