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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my kid needs to see a shrink?

93 replies

MeandMyKid · 01/07/2010 12:56

My 10 year old son has been mentally abusive to me for the past four years. He is always telling me how worthless, lazy, fat and ugly I am. This happens from the moment he gets up and starts again when I pick him up from school. It doesn't happen due to him not getting what he wants. He could be eating his breakfast or playing on the DS and then just comes out with it. He says I am a crap mother and wife and doesn't understand how Daddy (thinks the sun shines out of his ass) loves me.

So, I am no oil-painting but I am certainly no pushover either and I don't have low self-esteem. I don't let him away with bad behaviour and come down very hard on him. So far his computer ban is now 6 months and counting! If anything I wear the trousers in the family and OH would do anything for me and he is the kindest, sweetest man.

Anyway, I am beginning to feel very worn down by this and don't know how to manage it. He actually finds me disgusting and thinks I am worthless and mimics a mentally abusive partner. He has never witnessed such behaviour and OH and I are so confused.

Should I take him to a shrink? He also lies and would probably make up stories about me to the shrink - think Damien (the omen).

Does anyone else have a child like this. My other kids are adorable and I treat them all the same.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 01/07/2010 12:58

does your dh back you up?
you seem ot have a very low opinion of him too

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 01/07/2010 12:59

He must have seen it somewhere. Grandparents? Uncles? Aunts? Someone has shown this boy how to behave in a shitty way. However, it also sounds like you don't like him much right now. How do you react when he treats you badly?

PortiaNovmerriment · 01/07/2010 12:59

I can think of one MNer who posts about similar stuff.

proudnsad · 01/07/2010 12:59
Hmm
ZZZenAgain · 01/07/2010 13:00

some kind of counselling might be worth trying for him/you/the family. It ahs been going on quite long enough and I don't know just off the top of my head how to go about fixing it.

Is it just you or does he have problems with kids at school too, his teachers?

Original poster
MeandMyKid · 01/07/2010 13:02

Have a low opinion of DH? I just said he is lovely!

My son is very talented and clever and does really well at school in music, sports and academics. I put no pressure on him to excel but talent-wise he is the most talented of all my kids. The only low opinion I have of my son is the way he talks to me and after 4 years it is quite understandable.

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 01/07/2010 13:02

did something happen when he was 6 that might have triggered all this?

IFancyKevinELevin · 01/07/2010 13:02

Doesn't sound like a very nuturing environment. You are going round in circles, he pees you off, you punish him.

There's no happiness at all?

I take it daddy lives somewhere else?

AgentZigzag · 01/07/2010 13:02

If he's like this, and you see him as different to the other children, is it possible it's a bit of a vicious circle in that you don't interact with him like you do with your other children and he picks up on it?

It doesn't excuse his behaviour though, and it sounds terrible for him to say things like that about you.

Is he like this with other people? Some sort of tourettes/OCD?

What does he say when you've asked him why he says it?

scurryfunge · 01/07/2010 13:03

6 months seems like a long ban for the computer....what incentive does he have to behave?

StealthPolarBear · 01/07/2010 13:04

no i meant of your son
it just struck mer that there was nothing positive at all about him in your op
=that said i can see why & this must be really hard

ZZZenAgain · 01/07/2010 13:05

I do think it is worth trying to get to the bottom of it and if a therapist could help with that, why not try it?

Original poster
MeandMyKid · 01/07/2010 13:06

ZZZenAgain,

He is ok with most teachers but does prefer male teachers. If a teacher talks to him in a baby voice he rolls his eyes and tells them not to patronise him. He is like marmite and some teachers love him and others hate him.

I do love him and he has so much potential but frankly I would be happy if he had no abilities but was just a sweet kid. I only dislike him when he lies and says these things to me but then wouldn't everyone be the same?

OP posts:
TulipsInTheSunshine · 01/07/2010 13:07

4 years of behaviour like that would make any mother struggle to like their child tbh so i think it's a bit unfair to chastise the OP for that fact.

Does he watch tv shows that could be giving him these ideas? Read books aimed for an older teenager/adult? What's his peer group like, do they behave similarly?

I think a psychiatrist might be a good idea... a good child psyche will be able to tell if he's lying and making up stories about you and even if he believes these dtories himself it doesn't excuse his behaviour towards you.

OkOrNot · 01/07/2010 13:07

i'm guessing when he behaves then the ban will be lifted?

5Foot5 · 01/07/2010 13:07

What is your DH doing about this? You say your DS thinks the sun shines out of daddy. If this is the case then maybe some strong reinforcement from your DH that this is not the way to behave, that daddy loves mummy and is very upset at this behaviour might help?

scurryfunge · 01/07/2010 13:09

What does his father deal with it?

scurryfunge · 01/07/2010 13:09

Sorry how does his father deal with it?

ZZZenAgain · 01/07/2010 13:09

"He actually finds me disgusting and thinks I am worthless and mimics a mentally abusive partner. He has never witnessed such behaviour and OH and I are so confused."

something must be quite wrong here, you know. Is he seeing something he should not be seeing at a friend's house?

Hope you can get somewhere with it, sounds horrible. If any of us 3 had dared speak to my mother like that, my father would have intervened and would have been very strict about it too. No way would we have got away with that

Lynli · 01/07/2010 13:12

How are things at school. I have a friend who had similar problems with her Ds, it turned out that he was being bullied at school and he was too frightened to abuse the bullies so he expressed his hatred to his DM. She got family counselling and it really helped.

I don't think he really hates you he is angry about something which may be connected to you or not. Could you get your DH to talk to him man to man. You have got yourself in viscious circle that you need to break try to ignore him.

I would not worry about him telling lies about you as any good therapist would know they were lies and probably decode the reason behind them. I would take action now before he gets into puberty as the problems could get worse.

Best of luck

Original poster
MeandMyKid · 01/07/2010 13:12

Dad is at home and he and I have a wonderful relationship. As for nurturing I am very affectionate with all my kids and he even runs up and cuddles and kisses me in public which none of his friends do. At night I lay in bed with him and read and then we snuggle and I always tell him how beautiful he is. I do tell him he hurts my feelings when he says these things but I don't punish him for saying it. I punish him for lying.

TBH, he gets more positive attention than the other kids because we are worried he is screwed up and we want to make sure he is ok.

I have no idea what the trigger could have been.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 01/07/2010 13:14

so he's not always like this?
How des your DH react when he hears it?

ZZZenAgain · 01/07/2010 13:16

it is indeed possible that it is a reaction to bullying at school seeing it started when he was around 6

You're sure it is not the ILs?

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 01/07/2010 13:18

Hang on, so you don't punish him for talking to you like crap? You need to.

FlookCrow · 01/07/2010 13:18

The ban has lost its impact. It should have an ending, i.e. "You have misbehaved for xyz reason. I am taking away the computer for 1 week. You will have it back at the end of the week". The punishment can't be ongoing, otherwise it becomes the norm.

You can take him to a psychiatrist, but I find that often is detrimental, the behaviour is drawn attention to and therefore rewarded. Maybe a doctor would have another suggestion? I would definitely not reccomend long term counselling, especially to one so young.

Also put yourself in his shoes, why would he want to be nice to someone who is constantly punishing him? He is obviously not making the link between his behaviour and the punishment, or if he is, he doesn't care.