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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my kid needs to see a shrink?

93 replies

MeandMyKid · 01/07/2010 12:56

My 10 year old son has been mentally abusive to me for the past four years. He is always telling me how worthless, lazy, fat and ugly I am. This happens from the moment he gets up and starts again when I pick him up from school. It doesn't happen due to him not getting what he wants. He could be eating his breakfast or playing on the DS and then just comes out with it. He says I am a crap mother and wife and doesn't understand how Daddy (thinks the sun shines out of his ass) loves me.

So, I am no oil-painting but I am certainly no pushover either and I don't have low self-esteem. I don't let him away with bad behaviour and come down very hard on him. So far his computer ban is now 6 months and counting! If anything I wear the trousers in the family and OH would do anything for me and he is the kindest, sweetest man.

Anyway, I am beginning to feel very worn down by this and don't know how to manage it. He actually finds me disgusting and thinks I am worthless and mimics a mentally abusive partner. He has never witnessed such behaviour and OH and I are so confused.

Should I take him to a shrink? He also lies and would probably make up stories about me to the shrink - think Damien (the omen).

Does anyone else have a child like this. My other kids are adorable and I treat them all the same.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 01/07/2010 13:22

That is strange that he snuggles and stuff with you, and then is really horrible.

Like other posters say, can you see any patterns to when he's doing it?

OrdinarySAHM · 01/07/2010 13:23

It does sound like he is angry about something and venting his feelings onto you. Have you asked him why he is angry? Would it help to talk to his teacher and find out if he is having any problems with any children at school?

Original poster
MeandMyKid · 01/07/2010 13:23

Oh he can be cuddling me and in the same breath say, "you look so fat in that today"!

DH, although sweet, does not have much of a backbone when it comes to discipline. It has to get to the point where I am in tears and only then he gives our son a bollocking. He is also in denial so if it is down to parenting it must be me, not him, or it is not our son's fault and he cannot control himself and I shouldn't be getting cross. On the very rare occassion he is rude to is dad, OH hypocritically goes mental.

My son seems to put values in material things such as looks, sportiness and cleverness. I don't work and am overweight and have no qualifications and I think I am the opposite of what he values. However, I do value myself as I love being a mother, think I'm a jolly nice person and have no interest in ever working!

OP posts:
BoysAreLikeDogs · 01/07/2010 13:25

where would he hear such terms as lazy fat worthless, crap mother and wife? Do you get referred to as these things by family, or by yourself?

What birth order is he ?

tutusare4 · 01/07/2010 13:26

I think you need to talk to your dh - he should be backing you up as soon as your ds says a thing against you.

Maybe his slack attitude with regards to your ds being rude to you is seen as a thumbs up to ds?

Original poster
MeandMyKid · 01/07/2010 13:28

He is the youngest and no one has ever said these things to me or about me - especially not me! LOL!

Re the computer. He did actually get it back last week for having a glowing school report but this week he decided to use his clarinet to play hockey in the garden so back in the cupboard it went. He has a 6 month ban but if he has periods of good behaviour then the ban ceases. But forget the ban, it's not the issue in the scheme of things!

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 01/07/2010 13:32

It is an issue if inconsistent or lengthy punishments have no impact on his behaviour.

hester · 01/07/2010 13:32

Yes, I think I would be seeking expert advice. Have you talked to your GP? Or your local CAMHS?

Original poster
MeandMyKid · 01/07/2010 13:33

But why is he saying these things to me?

OP posts:
ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 01/07/2010 13:34

It does sound rather inconsistent. My eldest DS has always been very easy to discipline, but my youngest is rather challenging. He has to have immovable boundaries, or he runs rings around me. Bless 'im.

scurryfunge · 01/07/2010 13:34

He has learnt this behaviour from somewhere(tv?computer? though more likely someone in the family) and he is not being challenged for saying it.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 01/07/2010 13:35

I think he's saying it because he can, and it gets a reaction. Also, he doesn't get punished. Great way to get attention.

loopyloops · 01/07/2010 13:35

Does your son actually understand that you are hurt by these things? It sounds like he loves you and doesn't fully comprehend what he's saying. I don't mean to worry you but have you though about possible Asperger's? People with Aspergers find it hard to experience / recognise emotions. Does he have any other "differences" with your other children? If you are sure that there are no external factors (bullying, abuse, negative friendships, grandparents etc), I would seriously think about a session with a psychologist. Your GP should be able to help you, if not then ask for a referral to CAMS.

Good luck

Original poster
MeandMyKid · 01/07/2010 13:35

I am going to see how the summer hols go and if there is no improvement I think I'll take him to a private shrink. My sis is a GP and says we would be on the waiting list for 18 months as it is not deemed as serious.

OP posts:
Jamieandhismagictorch · 01/07/2010 13:35

What you are doing is not working. When we are stuck, I think outside help is called for.

The word "shrink" has very negative connotations, but yes, you do need outside help. Go and discuss his behaviour with your GP and they may make a referral to CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service).

He sounds very angry and you need to get to the bottom of that so you can find the best way to help him and yourself

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 01/07/2010 13:38

When we were struggling with DS2, we were referred to Barnadoes. They sent someone to the house once a week for six weeks, and it was hugely helpful. Sometimes you can't see where you're going wrong until someone else points it out, IYSWIM?

BoysAreLikeDogs · 01/07/2010 13:39

he is saying them because

he can (no effective reprimand from DH)

the punishments used are in his case ineffective

You might want to work on your own self esteem so that you project a more confident don't-diss-me-attitude and DH certainly should be modelling don't diss your mother. Even if he's not overtly undermining your parenting, DH could think about the way his body language leaks information about his attitude to you

Original poster
MeandMyKid · 01/07/2010 13:39

loopyloops,

I have thought for years that he might have aspergers. The autism specialist couldn't tell me either way and said I should decide if he as it. He is so academically brilliant at school that the school dismiss the idea of Aspergers. I agree with the emotion side of things but when someone says something back to him he is distraught or affronted!

The reason he is not punished for saying mean things to me is because I am trying not to react to it. I have been advised by many friends not to react as that is what he wants.

OP posts:
Jamieandhismagictorch · 01/07/2010 13:40

Flook - with all due respect, a mental health professional is there to help the family answer those questions you mention - they work in teams (psychiatric nurse, Clinical Psychologist, child psychiatrist/pyschotherapist). Onece referred by the gP, someone will assess and decide, with the OP and her son, which way forward, which might include counselling, social skills help, assessment for learning difficulties etc etc

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 01/07/2010 13:42

You don't have to react with anger, you can just calmly say 'Well, DS if you're going to be rude to me, I'm afraid that X will happen'. Then follow through with X. Every time.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 01/07/2010 13:44

MeandmyKid - sorry - but I don't know where your sister has got that from. You wouldn't have to wait more than a few weeks for an assessment from CAHMs. You don't know, at this stage, whether what you need is a "shrink" (assume you mean a psychiatrist?)

Callisto · 01/07/2010 13:46

Can I just point out that your son is not materialistic for valuing academic and sporting achievement. Perhaps, as you don't, he feels you have nothing in common with him and don't value his achievements?

But this has been going on since he was 6? He has learnt it somewhere. I can't imagine any 6, 7 or 8 year old behaving like this if he comes from the kind of loving stable background you describe. Not punishing him for being mean is barmy. Would you not punish him for being mean to another child? If my DD, DH or anyone else spoke to me like this they would be in serious trouble.

AccioPinotGrigio · 01/07/2010 13:47

Does he speak to anybody else in the family like this? His siblings? How about other people generally?

Have you asked him why he says these things and explained to him how they make you feel? Can he do empathy?

AgentZigzag · 01/07/2010 13:48

Not being funny (does that mean that I am?) but what other things have you tried over the four years? After just a year of this going on I would be at the end of my tether and seeking outside help.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 01/07/2010 13:49

.. my thoughts exactly Agent