Asking guests to bring stuff to a party

[LilyTheDrink]

AIBU to think it's a bit rude to ask guests to bring food to a party?

I have just put this to the test here in Oz as well - we've been invited to a barbecue this weekend for a friend's birthday. So I asked if we should bring anything, as I usually take meat and alcohol and was told that was the way this barbie was being run as well.

SunnyD - that made me smile - I remember the first time I heard that phrase up in Brisbane and I did wonder whether or not it meant bring an actual piece of crockery, on the principle that the host might not have enough!

When we have a barbecue and invite family/friends, they almost always ask "would you like us to bring anything?" If they offer, I am happy to let them bring something - I generally just say "that'd be brilliant, what would you like to bring?" Very easy. When we're invited to someone else's barbeque (family or friends) we also ask if they'd like us to bring anything. It's the way I was brought up to offer to assist in that way, just like I would offer to help clear and clean up afterwards.

I must be really rude then. I nearly always do this. Not specify what people should bring, but in the fb invite (which, lets face it, is the way most of my life is organised these days) I tend to say something like "something for the table would be lovely, but if you can't do that, we will be very happy just to see you". I've even put it on the wedding invite, although, tbf, I think our wedding will be cheaper than most to attend - no formal clothes, even the bride is coming on public transport, no gifts (well, except for the food) and so on. We do know some of our friends are travelling a long way and/or are skint or too busy, but I know I enjoy making a plate of sandwiches or whatever, so maybe some of the other guests do. If not, they don't have to.

The other thing is, the more people come, the more food there is, iyswim. I'm having two parties/gathering this week alone with no idea how many people are coming. I can't cater for everyone I have invited and then chuck out 50% or whatever. Same with the wedding- we have bought a buffet for 100, but who knows if that is too much or too little.

As others have said I think there is a distiction between a formal party and a gathering of friends or family.
I would never dream of expecting dinner party guests to bring food/drink although a token hostess gift is always appreciated.

However at a 'gathering' I would expect folk to chip in and in fact am currently feeling pretty resentful because people aren't. I have a group of closeish friends. There are 8 of us and we try to get together on a monthly basis. Money is an issue for some so a restaurant is out but only 2 folk have houses big enough to accomodate everyone (I'm one of these).

If people would contribute I'd be happy to continue doing it but ican't afford to spend the 200 quid it costs to host every second month not to mention the fact that I always get left to do the cooking and cleaning up.

It irks me that there are three people who never reciprocate at all by hosting. One of whom never even brings wine or any other hostess gift. Maybe I'm graspy but I'm also not running a free restaurant.

oh that would irk me too OF. I'm the skint one of my friends, and they do understand if I can't bring something along. But I do usually manage to at least rustle up a bottle of wine.

We have "bring a plate" in NZ too. Confused the heck out of me at first . Bringing food to dinner (potluck meals more common) seems to be more common here than in the UK, especially for barbecues.
I'm now in the habit if asking what we can bring, foodwise, if we get invited for dinner. We usually end up bringing dessert

"Bring a plate" would have confused me too! Wonder if anyone has ever taken an empty bottle to a "bring a bottle" party!

in general YANBU

If I host a party ai I expect to cater for my guests, if people brihg some stuff. great. but not dependant on it

i have a friend that always wants you to bring food and it fucking annoys me TBH, I'd take a hostess gift anyway but its the being "told", seems tight

A less specific request e.g. "whatever you fancy on the barbeque" would have been more polite. I can understand why they would want some help with the food, but there are ways of asking...

I'd be unimpressed to be asked to take chicken drumsticks - I don't think they are good barbeque food as they can be difficult to cook through.

I would probably ring the host and ask if they minded me bringing fillet steak instead in order to take control and undermine the host but making it really obvious that it wasn't about the cost.

I wouldn't have a problem with it at all. In my circle of friends one couple is a lot better off than the rest of it. As they have the big house and garden the bbqs are always at theirs. However well off they are I would not expect them to provide food for 50 people. However much money they earn its all relative, they have bigger outgoings, business to run, etc. I have no idea for their big house, etc how much surplus cash they have.

I don't think I'm told what to bring but I always ring up and say what would you like me to bring. Its no good if 50 people all turn up with a pack of sausages. But if I was told/asked what to bring then that would be fine, saves me a phonecall.

12 chicken drumsticks isn't going to kill you.

It's the norm to bring something along to a BBQ - a bottle of wine and some sausages or whatever. I wouldn't need to be asked, but asking for specific items does help avoid having 80 million burgers and no rolls.

I don't care how wealthy the hosts are BTW. If only "poor" hosts are allowed to ask you to BYO then there'd be a stigma attached to it. Far more democratic to do things this way. My friends and I do this for all big parties (40ths etc) not just BBQs. If we felt we had to supply everything every time, we'd never be able to afford to host anything!

YABU.

Having read these posts I now understand a little better why my MIL was so anxious about asking people to bring a dish to our wedding... Having said that, everyone commented afterwards on what an amazing idea it was, as everyone tried to make the best food they could. We did provided quite a lots of it, and endless alcohol.
I think it's absolutely fine and on another note, I have a couple of friends who won't eat food prepared by other people (OCD), so it makes it easier for them.

I find this thread surprising.

Whenever I go to someone else's for dinner / a gathering I always take a bottle of wine (and once a birthday cake). Not because I think we will drink the wine (we often don't), but as a gift for my hosts. Who are very kindly having us over and giving us food and drink and tidying up afterwards.

I wouldn't object to being asked to bring some food either.

I think it makes sense to ask people to bring a plate/some meat or whatever - because if, as has happened to me several times, you cater for it entirely yourself and then it bastard well rains, half the guests don't turn up and you are left with a mountain of meat that needs something done to it.

As cat64 says - most people don't have that much fridge space!

At least if people bring it with them, then you have a proportionate amount of food to the amount of people at the party.

think it sounds normal to me, especially as its a bbq

When my friends and I host / go to a bbq we automatically take an item of food along be it drumsticks, burgers, meringue, as well as liquid refreshment. It just seems courteous to do so.

We've even had dinner parties where everyone brings a different course.

YABVU. They have invited you to a BBQ which they are hosting. If you don't like the terms of the invite then just politely decline it.

YABU - we host a BBQ for DH's work collegues every year.
usually about 50 people we provide bread products salads and it is agreed that folks will bring offerings to be cremated and whatever they would like to drink.

our main role is to provide a place for the gathering to take place and the rest is up to them

HOWEVER
for a more formal dinner party I wouldn't ask friends to bring food, and even for a smaller BBQ we would provide all food.