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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in not wanting my parents to keep buying my children things?

52 replies

KAEKAE · 26/06/2010 22:29

My parents don't see my children that much; they don't live too far from us, so no excuse there really. However, when they do visit, they insist on having to give my children a big bag of new toys, clothes and sweets. Now, I may sound ungrateful but it annoys me. I feel they are trying to buy their love with things they don't need.

The last couple of times they've seen them they've bought my 2.5 son chocolate and Haribo, which I hate my son having. He is too young. I don't mind him having the odd treat but taking it upon themselves to open a big bag of Haribo at 10.30 in the morning and giving them to him really pisses my off especially when I've asked them not to buy them. At first I thought well, when they leave I'll just put them away and DS won't have them, however, they now know I do this so open the packet and give him them. In the past I have been known to get into disputes with them about similar issues as they just won't listen to my views re my own children. Am I being unreasonable or should I just lighten up?

OP posts:
winnybella · 26/06/2010 22:34

I think for you the real issue lies with your parents not seeing their grandchildren often.

If they see them once a month, I would lighten up- occasional candy or choc will not affect your ds's health adversly plus it's what all grandparents do.

onepieceoflollipop · 26/06/2010 22:39

I have very generous parents too.

I think you have to find a balance. Some people do give gifts (sometimes excessively) as a way of showing "love"

I always say thank you very warmly because the intention (in our case) is kind and lovely.

Re the Haribo example I would probably pick the bag up (whilst thanking them) and say to ds that I will go and get a little bowl. Then take bag into kitchen and put a few in the bowl. If they say anything (unlikely) say firmly and positively that he will be looking forward to a few more after lunch.

LilQueenie · 26/06/2010 22:41

If you are against your child having sweets for whatever reason and the grandparents do not take any notice of what you say then simply take them and bin them! Maybe then they will get the message of be sure to make a beverage of snack they hate to eat themselves. Maybe harsh but if they dont respect your rules then what can you do?

onepieceoflollipop · 26/06/2010 22:43

Also re the sweets if you really don't want him to have them then suggest alternatives that they could supply. for example I used to prefer the dcs to have chocolate buttons or organic snack bars or raisins and my relatives had no problem with getting those as treats.

tethersend · 26/06/2010 22:43

I saw a great quote the other day-

"Spoiling the grandchildren is the only revenge a parent gets"

No idea who said it, but it seems apt.

I think you should lighten up. You did ask

imgonnaliveforever · 27/06/2010 00:58

I would be annoyed if gps were buying sweets for my 2.5yo ds, so I would say you should put your foot down. It may feel like just the odd treat once a month, but once their taste buds get a feel for all that sugar there's no going back. And once they know what haribo looks like they will start to spot it in the shops and asking for it.

Given the concerns about childhood obesity, and the amount of sheer crap there is out there for kids to eat, I am keeping my dcs away from sweets for as long as I can. My ds gets treated with grapes and raisins, and he's happy enough.

Plus if you keep letting them undermine you it will cause problems, so stand up for yourself asap before they buy him anything worse!

Mumcentreplus · 27/06/2010 01:25

ask them to buy fruit instead...they just want to treat him..and actually chocolate is not so bad better that sticky sweets for children...

PortiaNovmerriment · 27/06/2010 01:35

I would just intercept it and quietly get rid put them away.

pranma · 27/06/2010 09:51

'Grandchildren are your reward for not strangling your teenagers'
Why deny your dp the pleasure of a bit of spoiling?Surely the clothes are welcome?As for the sweets just be firm,limiy quantities and bin surplus.Mind you I would never buy Haribo for a 2 yr old but I can go a bit mad with the Magic Stars on occasion

NestaFiesta · 27/06/2010 18:38

LilQueenie- bit harsh- their intentions are kind even if they're getting it a bit wrong.

Before I had my 2 DSs, I used to love buying things for my young nephew. It made me feel involved in his childhood and included in his life. The main pleasure was seing his face. Sometimes the gifts weren't suitable and my brother would tell me nicely, but I didn't mind as he knew my intentions were good and I was doing my best.

Cut your parents some slack and also do what onepiece says. Decant them into a bowl and save for later. I'm sure even your parents don't expect them to sit there and eat a whole bag at 10.30! YABU, one day they'll be gone and you will look back on these times when your DCs were little and overindulged by them.

flaime · 27/06/2010 19:05

Tell them that the DC are beginning to expect treats everytime they see them and that you'd rather the kids got excited about seeing their grandparents instead of what they were going to bring them.

We had similar probs with my MIL and it did sink in with her eventually

lovechoc · 27/06/2010 19:11

OP, my folks had DS for the day, took him to the park and went shopping for something they needed, DS shouted 'Toyrus!' and they decided because he mentioned it they'd take him in to get him a toy and a puzzle!

I wish they wouldn't do that because he'll be thinking he can get toys whenever he wants them. I think they should just be limited to Christmas and birthdays personally. I know they mean well but I can understand your post too, it is annoying.

lovechoc · 27/06/2010 19:14

oh and my own dad bought DS a bag of haribo sweets (100g) and passed them to him in the buggy! When he got back most of the sweets were gone out the packet - I was so angry. He NEVER gets that amount of sweets ever. No idea what my dad was thinking, even my mum (who was with him at the time) said she was puzzled too. They now ask me first if it's okay if he has a sweetie. I told them anything miniature sized is fine and if it's haribo it's to be the miniature bags too. Think they learned their lesson (DS is 3yo).

Snobear4000 · 27/06/2010 22:27

Tell your parents DS is diabetic. Tee hee.

usualsuspect · 27/06/2010 22:29

ffs

Rafaella · 27/06/2010 22:31

My FIL used to give our DCs a couple of quid from his pocket when he saw them once a month or so. DH asked him not too as they had begun to expect it and the little one was talking about looking forward to seeing him because he would get money. He took it well and stopped giving them the cash but I felt sad for him as he just wanted to treat them - he was lovely. Sadly he passed away not long after and I still feel bad about it. I hope I can treat my grandchildren one day without being told off - although I agree that sweets are not right, but a trip to the toy shop is fun for everyone if you can afford it.

NestaFiesta · 28/06/2010 11:40

What Rafaella said. In the grand scheme of things, some occasional spoiling and toy buying isn't a disaster and gives the GPs and DCs so much pleasure. Its not every day, and its not forever either. One day they won't be here to do so.

RiverOfSleep · 28/06/2010 11:48

My DC have quite a lot of GPs and Great GPs - some buy them lots of things, others don't. Some see them often, others don't.

They are closest to the ones they see most. Children love presents and my DC would accept presents and sweets until the cows come home but still save their affection for the people who spend TIME on them.

So I wouldn't bother trying to change people. I must admit I do try and suggest things that they'd like/need sometimes as if I know they are going to buy them something it might as well be useful!

LeggyBlondeNE · 28/06/2010 12:00

WRT the material goods (rather than sweets) I would have a problem with that becuase a. our house is small, and b. I feel very strongly about not wasting the world's natural resources on things we/I don't need.

I'm trying to wean certain people off buying me Christmas and birthday presents, because I honestly don't want them and just feel distressed at having to deal with things I can't fit anywhere and sometimes actively dislike! It's not going very well but my plan for kiddies is to set them up with Amazon lists for people to get things from so I can at least make sure that presents are all welcome ones!

So ... I would say not unreasonable, but I don't think you'll have the easiest time stopping it. Could you instead get him a piggy bank and then they can make a show of putting money into that, which you can split between savings for when he's older and extra birthday money?

TenaciousMe · 28/06/2010 12:11

If they don't see them that often then i'd just let them. they're Grandparents FGS, not extended parents. they probably love seeing your DCs happy faces when they get a rare treat and are happy to be the ones that give it to them,

If they were coming every weekend with sweets and bad stuff then fair enough, but if it's not often i think you're being a bit mean tbh.

JuicyLips · 28/06/2010 12:15

YANBU I have this problem too, an know how frustrating it is. Have talked to mil about her giving toys and sweets so often and she has got better at not sending him home with tonnes of sweets, but if we are all out for the day she will just buy him sweets instead of any decent food and does it without asking.

fifitot · 28/06/2010 12:19

My mother does this. She visits every 6 weeks or so (they live 150mls away) and comes laden with gifts - sweets, toys, clothes etc for my 4 year old.

it drives me mad. I know some would say I was being ungrateful but I just think it is over the top. DD expects presents now and associates Nanna with them.

When I question it I just get a 'It's the Grandparents role to spoil the grandchildren' comment or some such.

However I have 'issues' with my mother about control etc so this is just one little symptom of a much bigger picture. If it's just the present buying for you then probably not that much to get worried about.

diddl · 28/06/2010 12:24

Here´s a thought-have you tried talking to them about it?
Or tell them what they can bring?
Or put some stuff away for Christmas?

Or ask them to open a savings account and put what they would spend in there instead?

What a problem to have-my parents spoil their grandchildren

Lighten up!!

fifitot · 28/06/2010 13:33

Coincidentally just had my mother on phone to tell me she has bought DD some stuff from Disney shop totalling £50. This is on top of recent birthday present. It's more than we as parents would ever spend!

I wonder why my mother thinks she has to buy affection like this?

Pah!

MathsMadMummy · 28/06/2010 13:47

YADNBU regarding the sweets - my DD just turned 3 and would only have a couple of haribo. when it comes to diet, your kid your rules! (my parents are well-trained )

with the rest... is getting clothes really a problem? if you asked for next size up, say 3-4/4-5yrs it could be really useful as you then won't have to buy as much when he grows.

having too many toys is a PITA but I can understand they want to spoil him. I don't know if you feel DS is old enough but have you thought about taking him to any clubs/classes? Tumble Tots, toddler music classes, swimming etc... maybe they could pay for that instead as he'd get more out of it?